YSD and her Hurtful Games
I have suspected for some time now that YSD's display of just 'adoring' me, thinking I'm the best thing ever for DH as well as them, etc..has been nothing more than that - a big phoney baloney display, put on to look like a good guy, when deep down she's got issues with the relationship between DH & I just like her sister, OSD, and her Aunt (SIL)
Many things over the years that were hurtful, but I guess could be written off as something else, and not wanting to believe that all is not as wonderful as it seems with her and I, stupidly chose to quiet that voice and think the better of her instead
But after a video call with her and SGD and DH & I a couple of days ago, I was left feeling like she not only deliberately walked all over me and treated me like garbage, but that she took absolute pleasure in it too
So DH & I - me actually - bought all sorts of wonderful little things for SGD and DH & I mailed them out. Toys, chocolates, nice gifts, adorable card for SGD as well as one for YSD and SSIL as well
YSD agreed to a time that DH& I along with YSD and SGD could do a video call and we could see SGD opening her package from us. Both DH & I were pretty excited - not a lot going on these days LOL
Now SGD is not quite 3 and as they live out west we don't see her face to face often. YSD and her family visit every year or so and we go out there every year or so. So in SGD's short not quite three years she's only had about three occasions where we've had any real in person visits with her.
On all of those visits SGD has had about as much time with me as she has with DH and she has been pretty accepting of both of us.
I have noticed on each visit, even before she barely had started to talk, she would start off with knowing DH was "poppa" and not quite sure who I was, YSD seemed to encourage her more to be around DH, and would be more vocal about SGD adoring DH. It's not a competition and I could care less but it was pretty apparent to all of us that SGD got pretty attached to me even if not encouraged and the last visit we had with them, even YSD had no choice after SGD was more that happy to be with me that "SGD is pretty taken with Disillusioned"
Yet on the video call a couple days ago,which is the first we've actually seen SGD in a while (so certainly nothting much we or I could have done to change that) it was the total opposite
As soon as we get on the call the child says "Hi Poppa!" nothing to me
When they open the gifts and YSD says to SGD 'what do you say" SGD says "Thank you poppa!" not a word to me
DH mentioned "and Grandma Disillusioned too"
A little more chit-chat with YSD and then SGD says "I love you poppa"...at this point I'm thinking, good one, you barely know this man so hmmmm, did your Mom tell you to say that?
And then SGD says "You're the best Poppa"...again, I'm thinking since this little girl barely knows her grandfather rather funny that she would tell him he's the best
Seems to me YSD prepped SGD for the call, made sure to tell her to say hello to DH, thank DH, tell DH she loved him and that he was the best. And of course, not one word to me because of course although YSD insists that SGD call me Grandma and everyone expects me to play the role, no respect for my role, for me, or even for all that I've done, is given. Quite the opposite. Couldn't have been more obvious how tottally unimportant and invisible I apparently am
And the whole time, YSD had this weird smile on her face
Hmmmm....satisfied that she had made me feel like garbage?
Guess I never do learn.
Always having a big heart and wanting to believe my YSD does care about me, is not like her sister or aunt and doesn't have those issues. That she wouldn't deliberately do anything to be hurtful to me, but, that sure did feel like a real kick in the face!
Don't think I'll be doing anything thoughtful for her or her family again
What is it with these adult skids and their issues?
Oh my, I'm so sorry you had
Oh my, I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I know the feeling to finally get smacked in the face from the "SD that loved me" when the mask come off. I remember telling you a few years ago, in one of your posts, that your YSD reminds me of my YSD, just by some of the signs she would give you but then turn around and give you a sweet card or gift. She wasn't as obvious as your OSD (like mine wasn't) but little things here and there to let you know, her real feelings while pretending in front of your DH how much she loved you.
I think our YSD's learned what NOT to do from their big, catty sister's and around our DH's. It's what I call "fake love". My YSD has decided to stop contacting my DH and let him initiate so of course, she no longer have to pretend with me, even before the coldness she became distant and just focused on my DH, when at one point called/texted me more than DH. She's still pleasant when around but very distant and phony. I think your YSD realized she doesn't have to work so hard to get your DH's approval and that's the vibe you're getting. Oh, and I'm sure your OSD addressed her disapproval to your YSD about the whole loyalty thing (eye roll). Their issues is, I believe, is that they feel they should be our DH's #1 priority and love, even though it's a different kind of love. They feel threatened by our presence. I used to always see the shift in my YSD's body language when my DH would correct my OSD's rude behavior and discuss it with YSD and I when OSD would storm off crying or pouting. It was like she felt a way that my DH would defend me and not her sister, OSD. Or if my DH hugged or kissed me in front of her/them. My YSD also told me, 3 years ago at my fil repass that OSD didn't like me because I was a reminder that her parents would never get back together. They have different BM's and my OSD BM and DH never co-parented or liked each other and OSD knew that and never indicated that thought but YSD (her BM is the exW) has told me before at 6 y/o that she wish her parents were married and her SDad and I was married (SD has no recollection of them being together). DH talked to her and she never said it again but I know for a fact YSD was projecting her feelings onto OSD when she told me that.
I'm not sure why your YSD has an issue but I'm guessing it's jealousy. I would just be polite but distant and hopefully one day, your SGD would form her own relationship with you.
Very good points Focused,
Very good points Focused, thank you! And yes you called this a long time ago! Our situations are similar. Totally agtee with everything you've said. And sorry you also are dealing with this!
Dis, yours is a cautionary tale.
I just started on the SGK saga about 6 months ago when SD had her son. But thankfully to those who posted here, I took seriously their heartbreaks about SGKs and have kept my emotional distance.
Like your SD, mine has put on a face and has never been blatantly hostile. Cold as ice but never rude. Lots of microagressions but never anything she could be confronted on. Like your SD, I think these daughters harbor deep resentments, maybe even hatred, and are masters at hiding behind false masks and phoney words.
I had hoped that once SD married and had her own child she might mature and reflect on her relationship with her father. And maybe even warm up to me a bit. Hasn't happened. And it won't. For that reason, I will never look upon her child as anything more than a cute kid who belongs to someone I have no relationship with. I suggest you do the same from this point forward.
Small children have a way of creeping into your heart. Yet when it's the child of a stepkid, you absolutely must keep your emotional guard up and avoid becoming attached. As you're now learning, Dis, you think it's going to be OK and then they use that innocent child to twist the knife deeper.
Your SD purposely excluded you or she has never even considered you SGD's "grandma" in any shape or form. In either case, she had made it clear in words and deeds that you are irrelevant to her child. The child will grow up being coached that. Lots of stories abound on here about how shocked and heartbroken some StepGrands are after 10 or even 20 years when the so-called grandkids easily shut them out of their lives.
Don't let that happen to you. Be glad you have learned the truth after 3 years. From now on, let your DH develop his own relationship with his granddaughter. Let him buy gifts, initiate contact, etc. As Chzy said, DISENGAGE. When calls happen, find a way to be out of the room after an initial, brief "hello." Treat this whole situation like it is some former coworker of your DH - a person you've met but really have no relationship with.
I'm so sorry ... seeing the true nature of your YSD is hard to take. But now you know. You know!
Great advice 2Tired, and glad
Great advice 2Tired, and glad to hear you're keeping your distance as well.
Yes it's not only smart but necessary. And yes, I now know. And that knowledge is good. The dilema of maybe she is maybe she isn't, is done. I know where I stand and I much prefer that. YSD will not benefit from my big heart and generous spirit any longer. Not my thoughts, actions or finances witll go towards her any longer.
Somehow it makes everything so much easier!
Have always found OSD and SIL easier to understand and to take than YSD, because although they were more nasty and obvious in their actions at least I knew where I stood
YSD was way more confusing as she appeared to be just great in words, but her actions seem contrary and ya, at the end of the day she may well be harbouring even more hatred and resentment that her sister and aunt
Life just became so much easier for me - they are all on my list people to remain oh so pleasantly and politely disengaged from!
Wishing you all the best as well!!
Yep, time to disengage.
Yep, time to disengage.
Personally, I don't understand why anyone would want to deprive their child of another grandparent and more love, but, whatever.
Perhaps her sister and aunt have gotten into her head, after all.
Yes hereiam, I think perhaps
Yes hereiam, I think perhaps they have.....