adult stepdaughter issues
I have 3 adult step daughters. They all have families of their own. I've been married to their dad for 22 years now. I was NOT accepted at all for many years. There is still one that refuses to see me as part of this family. I'm the one who always contacts her (I'm trying to NOT do that anymore). She lives in a dfferent state. When she does talk to me, she talks to me as if I'm an outsider. When she talks with her dad she will use her kids names and her husband's name but with me it's "I take care of my family." It's a very cold and odd way of how she talks with me. I feel that she puts up with me only because I'm married to her dad. She will argue with me with just about everything. But if my husband (her dad) said the same thing to her, exact wording - oh it's ok and she will agree with him. I'm just about done with her. My husband KNOWS how I'm treated and I ask him, "do you see this?" And he says, "yes, I do." But he feels that they are grown adults and there is nothing he can do about them anymore. Which yeah... I get it. The other 2, I'm just guarded with them. I've been down some ugly roads with them and there was one time with the oldest one that I didn't think we would ever talk to each other again. But my husband NEVER did anything to stop their rude behavior from the start. They were awful with me from the start and we had many arguments (husband and I) about them. As the years went by, they got better only because they saw I was not going anywhere and they might as well be civil at least. But this one (middle adult kid) is just rude. Any ideas? At least we are not in the same state anymore which really helps.
First off, you might want to
First off, you might want to post in the adult forum since many of us with adult skids only look at that forum.
Second, why do you care what she thinks? My SDs are in their 40's and they hate my very existence. The closest one is a 12 hour drive away. All I can say is hallelujah. If people want to hate me for no reason other than I exist, they can do it from far away.
Your SDs aren't going to like you no matter how nice you are. They may "come around" as you and your DH grow older, feeling out what they expect to get from an inheritance. You need to write off any relationship with them and focus on your marriage only.
And remember when dealing your DH that men care about their comfort first. Not you, not his children. Don't be the one that disrupts his comfort.
I would be relieved that they
I would be relieved that they don't live closer! I wouldn't have any interaction at all with someone who was habitually rude to me, and probably minimal interaction with the other two, if they treat me like a pariah. It would be civility only and I wouldn't try to start any conversations. It's a shame your husband didn't intervene early on when they were rude to you - but cowardly DHs often don't for fear of the effect on the relationship with their kids. So we end up getting all the shit - not a happy situation.
I gotta say, 22 years is a
I gotta say, 22 years is a hell of a long time to keep trying to win these stepkids over! Be done with them. Be civil when you have to see them, but don't be the one contacting them or doing anything for them. You aren't family to them, they aren't family to you. You are Dad's wife, they are your husband's kids. Nothing more.
Get on with your life and let them go. You did your best, no need to try any further.
Yeah i was 15 months into a marriage with hubby and a newborn
And already lost it with hubby about skids, it hasn’t gotten better and actually intensified
i don’t involve myself with them anymore but when hubby has his momentary lapse in judgement asking i let it go and meet with them blah blah blah, i tell him i hate his kids as they are nothing but disrespectful and why would i want my day ruined by them as its constantly been like this
Agree with all above. Plus,
I'd spend time learning about how to disengage completely. That's the best thing to do with adult skids who are a problem. Read up on it on the disengagement section here on STalk.
Everyone involved is an adult,
and the situation is not likely to change. Your challenge is to accept things as they are, recategorize these women as distant connections of your DH's, and move forward. Disengage. Stop hoping for something that is never going to happen and give yourself permission to let go.
Female skids are generally more difficult, and with three of them plus a conflict avoidant husband, you were a set up to fail from the start. SDs often triangulate and practice relational aggression against SMs; they are territorial and band together. They also gossip and feed off each other. The dynamic is ridiculously common, and not personal at all. These women would have rejected any woman your DH married.
Emotionally disinvesting is a process, and it all happens in your mind. Make no announcements, just choose to let go of the bs and focus on filling your life with things and people that make you happy. Your DH's relationship with his adult kids doesn't have to affect you.
I would add
Get your financial ducks in a row in case anything ever happens to your DH, as they will band together against you, once he is gone, or incapacitated.
Your DH is full of shit. If
Your DH is full of shit regarding not dealing with his adult children. If he had balls he would inform his kids that you are his wife and he will tolerate no one disrespecting you, even his supposedly adult children. He would make that message a hill he would die on and keep their noses rubbed firmly in the stench of their nasty behavior towards you and the disrespect that they clearly demonstrate toward their father and his wife.
But... once they are severed, balls do not grow back all that often.
You are likely stuck with a neutered husband.
My condolences.