Life...
I haven't been on here in a while. A little background as a reminder. We got custody of my stepson 2 years ago. He is non verbal autistic. I also have three kids of my own with my husband.
My stepson broke his tv and my husband blamed my other two sons for not watching him. We are currently in a standoff because he is wrong for this. Its not my sons job to watch their brother. He did it with a bat that he shouldnt have had. And yes it would have been nice if they would have came and told me he had it but they are 5 and 6.
I am working from home due to this virus. My husband expects me to do my job, watch all the kids every second of the day, help them with their school work, do my stepsons therapies, do tasks my husband calls home with during the day, clean and have a home cooked dinner. I'm over everything. I have so much resentment built up that its unbelievable.
My husband cant handle his son so guess who gets to take care of him. I never get a break from him. Even when all my other kids are staying at grandma and grandpas i still have stepson. Then on the rare occasion that someone does say they will take him we have to do stuff my husband wants to do.
His BM started to call him every Sunday a couple months ago. She did good for a few weeks now its every 3 weeks. All he does is cry when she is on the phone. I figure she will eventually just stop calling and then pop up again in a couple years.
This situation is turning me into someone i dont want to be. I got back to work on the 18th so hopefully that will help. But at this point i am done going above and beyond. I will be doing the absolute minimum from this point on. I shouldnt be the only one doing all the work yet everyone else gets the benefit.
Sorry this is so long but i really just need to vent and get it out. I love my family but im having a really bad time right now.
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Comments
Ugh. I feel really really bad
Ugh. I feel really really bad for you. This is not right at all. Your husband has to do more.
What would he do if you left him? Does he realize how stressed and overworked you are? Can you (as a couple) financially survive if he doesn't work 60 hours a week.
Personally, I could not deal with this. And, it's ok if you can't too. Look out for you, no one else is.
Your husband works 60 hours a
Your husband works 60 hours a week and has full custody, wow. Is he working so much so he can avoid taking responsibility for his son? Yes your husband is wrong, a 5 and 6 year old should not be responsible for a non verbal autistic half/step (?) brother. I work with people with disabilities, a few with severe autism. All their TV's are locked up and behind plexi glass so they don't get broken. One of my clients will hit the plexi glass when a commerical comes on. It is concerning that ss is destroying property with a bat. I'd be cautious of him around the younger kids. What if he gets aggitated and decides to hit one of them with a bat? You may think it won't happen because it hasn't yet but behaviors can change suddenly. Is the kid medicated? Is he getting treatment from professionals not just you? Please get outside help and hire relief where you can. I know covid is an issue now but it will pass. This is the time to plan for your own sanity and the safety of the younger kids.
Two things about your post jumped out at me
Two things about your post jumped out at me. Your SS went after the tv with a bat, what happens if he decides to go after his brothers with the bat?
And why in the world is your husband calling home and giving you tasks to do for the day? He may be working 60 hours a week outside the home, but I bet if you add up all the hours you spend doing your paying job and all the household work and childcare, they add up to way more than 60 hours. He can just do any "tasks" that he thinks need to be done himself.
What is the plan for the children when you return to work? Who is going to look after SS then? Maybe they could start now?
First thing I would do is have him start picking up dinner and bringing it home. You are doing way more than your share and he needs to start stepping up.
Under normal circumstances
Under normal circumstances taking care of a child with disabilities is stressful. You have every right to feel overwhelmed. Your DH had no right to blame your sons. Since it sounds like DH isnt going to help, I would start looking into local developmental disability organizations for extra help. Usually services like mentoring and respite are available to give caregivers a break.
Wow... bob’s right, your
Wow... bob’s right, your husband sucks. Why is there a bat in the house? That needs to go, or be locked up where the kids can’t get it. Why is he expecting a 5 & 6 year old to be carers for his disabled child? I can’t even wrap my head around how unreasonable that is. He needs to find a carer for HIS child.
ETA - yes to everything winterglow said below! I’m honestly aghast at everything your husband expects of you. I’m sure if you could switch places with him & be the one working 60 hours a week outside the house whilst he does everything you do you’d be gone in a second, and he’d have a major reality check. What an asshat.
Yoiur husband is an idiot. I
Yoiur husband is an idiot. I hate, HATE, HATE people who do not understand that working from home is a full-time job. You are not sitting there twiddling your thumbs wondering what to do with yourself. You do not have the TIME to babysit, clean, cook, let alone do therapy with a disabled child. I don't care how many hours your DuH is working outside the home, he should be pulling his weight with his child(ren?) and around the house. Dammit, does he have some kind of intellectual disability or something? What are you going to do if you get fired for not performing up to scratch because you're too busy with all the rest. And next time your DuH calls with things for you to do (WTF?!), calmy tell him to stuff it and lay the phone down.
10000000%!!!
10000000%!!!
Just to clarify a couple
Just to clarify a couple things. My husband is self employed and has a lot of health problems. He got full custody because there wasnt any other choice. BM was going on drugs and taking SS around to different guys houses. We did what we had to do to keep ss safe. There was no one else so it was either us or he went into the system or worse. I knew it wouldnt be easy and that it would strain everything. Its not easy with a disabled child. There is a bat because my sons play baseball. Ss got into the bag and got it out without anyone knowing. I really dont think he was being nefarious about it. I do believe it was truly an accident. But that doesnt excuse DH for getting onto my two sons regarding this. He doesnt even realize that im not talking with him yet because hes giving me the silent treatment (like this truly hurts my feelings with the way i feel) this may be our longest argument yet.
And regarding his health problems (which are pretty big part of our lives) he has tried everything. Been to countless doctors and specialist but nothing comes of it. The only thing that has helped was MJ but he didnt want to risk relasping since he had a history of drug abuse when he was younger. So we just deal with it.
My life does suck right now but im trying to be optimistic. There may come a breaking point but this isnt it. I dont want to break up my family if i can help it.
Despite his health problems,
Despite his health problems, your DH should be grateful that you’ve taken on his son the way you have. And it’s ridiculous that he expects a 5 & 6 year old to be watching after their non-verbal brother. It’s unfortunate that he’s as unwell, but your plate is beyond full. You’re right that none of this excuses his reaction to what happened, you’re very lucky it was a television SS hit and not one of the other kids. Regardless of how your husband got custody, he can’t lay it all at your feet then get upset with you when accidents happen. You could easily just walk away, and then where would he be? You aren’t legally obligated to care for his son. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, it must be incredibly stressful.
What about programs to help
What about programs to help you with respite care? Are the day programs that SS can go to? Honestly, and I have a SS who is Autistic (20 yrs old), he is age adjusted to 13 and if you think of him as an immature 13 yr old and not a grown man, we are fine. He can do the basics. However if I was in your shoes, I would be looking at some kind of in-patient living/ group home/ special care type place for him.
That is just too much. Taking a baseball bat to something is scary. Like another poster said- what if that was one of your other children's head's instead of a TV? It isn't SS's fault. But it isn't yours either. You shouldn't be the sole caregiver and you are.