Failure to launch
Started dating BD 3 months ago. BM passed away of cancer at a young age last year in August. SD13 And SD11 are great kids, however BM was a helicopter mom and coddled and babied them. They are very sheltered which makes them a little different from other kids thier age. BD is very over affectionate with SD13. When we met she was sleeping in his bed every night even when menstruating. I have since partially moved in and have gotten her to sleep in her own bed. However BD baby talks to her (daddy's lil princess, daddy's lil angel, cupcake, and more nauseating terms). It did get to the point where I finally snapped and politely addressed it BD this past weekend after we did a family dinner with my older children. After dinner BD and myself were sitting on the couch and SD13 came over to join. He took his hand off my leg, and held SD hand while watching a movie. That was my breaking point... especially after my 18 year old asked how it felt to be the third wheel.
I did address it with him that night and he became very emotional- more about Mother's Day becauE it was the first without thier mom. They were supposed to go visit thier moms grave the next morning and he asked me not to go since this was a first time for all of them (SS11 did not want to go)- I went home because my emotions were out of control and I needed time to think... and then I found this forum!
Mother's Day morning I never heard from him. I finally text him at noon and he said he just needed time with his kids. NO BIG DEAL... I totally get that Mother's Day would be hard! However, when heading to my moms for dinner was when I found out he woke up at 6am, went and got SD13 and they laid in bed sleeping together and watching TV.
I have read many things on mini wife's and I do not think this is the case. After talking with SS20 he even agreed BM treated them like "baby birds" and they are socially awkward because of it.
how do I bring this up again? I should not feel that if I am gone for a night there will be another "woman" in my bed. She is developed, she in menustrating- she is a woman! Also, how do I tell BD that the baby talk needs to stop. My own family has even said it's embarrassing to watch! I just want what's best for my SK and for them to grow like normal teenagers.
please help!
Welcome to the site!
Since BM only died 9 months ago, I feel it is very soon for you to be moving in, even partially. This family is still grieving very actively. And yes, your boyfriend may well be speaking to his 13 yr old with inappropriate baby talk, but maybe you telling him that is also inappropriate at this stage. If you feel like a 3rd wheel at this point, maybe you are and you should back off for a while and let them deal with the death of BM in a way that feels OK for them. In a year or two it may be the time to address the coddling and baby talk.
Too soon indeed. BD asked for
Too soon indeed. BD asked for my help once quarantine started and homeschooling began. He definitely struggles with structure and ensuring school work was completed. I have even had to have my daughter come over to help with some of the school work being sent cause apparently I missed 6th grade. Lol
Regardless of what her body
Regardless of what her body is doing, a 13yo is far from being a woman. This is a child with full grown lady bits.
So, quit considering her as a woman and treat her as what she is. A child.
As for your SO, I would say that he is pretty much a lost cause as far as being an equity life partner for you at least until he and his kids work through the grieving process. His wife died a year ago. He nor you have any business even attempting a serious relationship until he has transited the grieving process which all of the grief experts have established as being in the 2-4 year range to work through. Fine, be friends with benefits, but do not engage beyond the occassional adult date night for a few years. Other than that, stay away.
Better yet, move on. If you are still available in a few years, revisit the relationship if you are interested.
Leave this family to process their grief and stop your efforts to control them. This has no chance of a successful outcome without an extended period of time for them to work through their grief and for this man to cut the umbilical cord he has with his younger kids.
I am interested in SS-20. What is his condition considering he also just lost his mom?
SS20 has a different BM. He
SS20 has a different BM. He just now is coming around more because him and the SK BM did not get along after the new family was made. As stated above BM was a heavy drinker and angry drunk leaving lots of arguing and domestic situations.
I see why SS20 is more
I see why SS20 is more reasonable with the relationship you have with his dad. Regardless of how much of a POS BM may have been, grief filters a lot of the toxic out of reality for those who experience the loss of even a POS loved one.
The risks of engaging in this relationship are more than I would accept considering all of the drama BM represented. Never forget that your SO married her and had kids with her which makes his character and judgement extremely suspect IMHO.
In reference to your original question, launching is not something that is even a thing for a preteen and a 13yo. Failure to launch comes in to play much later. Issues with an 11yo and 13yo are parenting issues. Though BM's obvious character issues invariably had impact on the nature of the kids, daddy's co-sleeping with a pubescent teen as well as his child centric parenting style are equally to blame for the nature of these kids. Working through the grief requires some level of tenderness and emotional support, however, a loss cannot be allowed to derail required progress for a kid to grow up. Though a recent loss will be far more visible regarding the behavior of those grieving, progress should not shit down completely.
My family went through this when my youngest brother passed away. We worked through it together. Mom and dad maintained their own relationship and supported their two older surviving sons through that process. Many families do not survive a significant loss. Probably the most difficult job immaginable is the spouse and SParent joining a blended family after the death of a spouse. It is made worse when the prior partners collectively where shitty parents.
Take care of you.
Thank you all for reminding
Thank you all for reminding me why I don't post in public forums. I didn't asked to be attacked, I asked for guidance for children that are so sheltered and socially behind. As far as me being semi moved in... so be it. I've seen people have great relationships that started quickly. These SK absolutely adore me. The SD13 comes to me with issues she can't talk to her dad about. She adores my older daughters and loves having girls around for "girl time" since she really has no friends. I don't regret my decision and I don't think I am a nanny or a maid. Just concerned about how to help these 2 grow into adults when they are so socially behind.
These kids needs professional help with the lost of there mother
That the first thing and the first failure of BD. Him dumping his kids on you and your BD is his second red flag. He wants a replacement mom. Not a lover. If he is the only parent, he should not be working long hours,his kids need him, more then his work.
He has to make changes, he needs to find child care for his kids when he working, not you.
You are not happy, Happy people do not post here. So after three month, your not happy, it's only going to get worst .
He must find child care. You must come first,
Whoa.... slow down! No child
Whoa.... slow down! No child can process the death of their mother in such a short amount of time. Your DH's responsibility is to ensure that his kids have the tools to manage this. Instead, he went and looked for someone else to do his job for him. Unacceptable. Why are you taking this all on?