I have a constant argument going on inside...Am I asking too much...then I want to scream NO I'M NOT!

I feel like I’m told by DH often that I’m asking for too much.  I think there may be some truth to this; I have high expectations of my partner....but do I really have expectations that are too high?  I struggle to know if I truly am asking for too much or DH is a gaslighting butt munch.  Sorry sarcasm is my coping mechanism.

I have this terrible toxic stew and DH’s way of dealing with his toxic family, daughter, and the toxic BM is by ignoring it all.  He often tells me I should just let things go, don’t worry about what people think.  Easier said than done.  We don’t have contact with IL’s anymore, so maybe he’s right about this one.  I’ve done my very best to go NC with BM and SD18, but DH is not on board with that.  For BM or SD18.  I can understand his need to still try to have a relationship with SD18 (even though I'm sure this is going to end up really messign with us both), but I really don’t understand the need to converse with BM in anything but a text.  He shares custody of SD13 who is self-sufficient and requires very little communication between her parents.

DH has on many occasions claimed to agree that he should only talk to BM by text message (mostly to protect himself and be able to prove what has been said).  Then BM calls several times in one day and texts “Call Me” and he always does.  This time I tried to make it lighter by joking.  BM starts calling and he says “maybe it’s something we can’t discuss in a text like she wants SD13 to start having custody time with her again” (She has been with us during the entire COVID stay at home order).  I say why do you always fall for this and eventually I SMH and tell him to do what he thinks is best.  This time with one caveat. If he gets her on the phone and she wants something that could have been texted he has to say at some point in the conversation to her “I’m a sucker.”  I thought it would be funny and maybe show him that he really is a sucker.  So (of course) BM wants nothing except to tell him SD13 needs to wear a coat when they meet in the park later.  I’m standing by waiting for my “I’m a sucker” moment.  DH rolls eyes gets angry and never says it.  I refuse to let it go and even the next morning I wake up and say, “do you feel like a sucker.”  I find this highly amusing and can’t stop laughing about it.  He does not.

Behind the joke though is a real question; what is his need t talk to BM?  It feels like a sickness to me.  I don’t understand why he wants to align himself with this toxic person.  She has created so many issues for him, for me, for his daughters.  He denies none of this but still “has” to call her when she insists. He’s a sucker.  Me asking this and not getting an answer leads to a fight and I end up feeling like crap again. I’ve asked him to explain this in writing.  I want us both to see his dysfunction in writing…maybe it will help him realize he’s choosing this over his marriage...maybe it will help me realize he's choosing Toxic BM over his marriage.

Second big issue; I asked for some boundaries for Mother’s Day.  Nothing big, just be sure I don’t have to interact with SD18, BM, or Shitty IL’s on that day.  I also asked him not to force SD13 to celebrate me.  In the past it has just made us both uncomfortable.  She doesn’t want to (probably because of her toxic mother) and I can tell she doesn’t, so I feel bad.  He did this and it was actually nice to have no expectations and I wasn’t disappointed.  I feel like DH punished me for these things.  He got super drunk the night before; I woke up to a mess in the kitchen and him sleeping on the couch.  He did rally from there and make sure he helped my D15 make me breakfast and celebrate me and picked up a lovely carry out dinner. He did not publicly celebrate me however; which I get is a little thing...but while I’ve dumped all Shitty IL’s from my social media; he has not.  I felt like it would have been a good way for him to stick up for me and show IL’s how he feels.  I asked him about this the day after Mother’s Day and I got the regular bull from him.  “you just never want to be happy and you just want to sabotage things” “it’s never enough for you” and completely invalidating my feelings.  I've asked for an explanation in writing for this too.  I keep thinking things will make more sense to both of us if he writes it down.

I find myself asking if I am asking for too much all the time.  I really don’t feel like I am (I'M NOT). I feel like DH has put me in a position of having to deal with a world of dysfunction.  I feel like he is not able to (or just doesn’t want to) protect me from the dysfunction.  I feel like I’ve made good boundaries with IL’s (got rid of them on social media), BM (I have almost zero contact with her even if I have to skip an important SD13 events), SD18 (I’ve blocked her on all social media and on my phone).  I feel like he hasn’t and so we are still connected to major toxic crap.

I feel like when I try to talk to DH about my needs it is met with strife. I’m made to feel like either he’s already providing me with this need or I’m asking too much (AND I'M NOT).  In the last few weeks it is my biggest concern with my relationship with him.  We talk about it in counseling and the counselor has some really good insight about his upbringing that causes this.  I think she is probably right…DH says “he doesn’t know” if she’s right and he’s not sure why he behaves this way.  That’s just not enough anymore. We have a fantastic counselor that knows us both well.  She has amazing insight especially in DH’s many insecurities but if DH doesn’t recognize these then the counselling is useless.

I selfishly don’t want to blow up my life by divorcing DH (But is there anothe logical choice).  I love the life we’ve built and I feel like in lots of ways we are close to being ok….but are we (I'm not right now)?  I feel like I don’t want to throw in the towel and let all of these toxic assholes in our life win…but is that a good reason to stay?  I’ve justified some of this by recognizing that all relationships have issues and maybe I should just deal with these…but is this healthy for me?  If I’m questioning the basic goodness of my husband and wondering if he’s a manipulative butt munch, then do I even belong in this relationship with him.

I know I’m tired of having to fight so hard for my needs big and small.  I know I’m fatigued from the toxic merry go round of his world.  I’m starting to wonder if at the center of his toxic world is a very broken man that encourages this (maybe even by accident if I’m being generous) behavior.  Maybe until my husband wants to remove toxic it won’t go away….or maybe until I remove husband the toxic won’t go away….or maybe I’m just asking too much. Maybe I’m scared because every time I divorce and reset it seems to get worse.  Maybe I tend to focus on the negative instead of the positive.  Maybe DH belongs with Toxic BM and we would all be happier that way.

I’m confused and I can’t seem to get myself sorted out, ugh!  I just know I want peace; I want to feel adored; I want to feel respected; I want to feel cherished; I want my needs to matter…and I don’t and they don't. F$%@ I don't want to go through all the crap of divorce UGH!