I am sorry you are feeling so bad - it might be worth going to the doctor and getting some anti depressants, since you do seem depressed, from what you say. As numerous of us have told you before, you are in a markedly abusive relationship and of course you aren't happy.  I was the same, I had a colossal nervous breakdown towards the end of my first marriage and spent time in a psychiatric ward.  I had to end the 24 yr marriage for my own mental health, and I did.  If you get some meds from the doctor, it might lift you up enough to enable you to take some action to change your situation.  

(((HUGS))) I am sorry you are going thru this.

Have you considered having a few online video therapy sessions? Is that possible to do?

There are  many very compassionate people here on ST you can vent to.

Let us know if you decided to find an online session. OK????

Keep us posted............... please!.

There is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor about this. Anti-depressents saved my life at one point. I was on them for about a year and a half when my kids were young.

If you had a broken bone, you would get help, right? This is no different. Get help, feel better. 

Sounds like anxiety, not depression, to me. Therapy and sleep aids changed my life.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

1-800-273-8255

If you need to talk to someone who can say something more helpful than you need to be more optimistic, call someone for help. If calling a friend or your doctor is too much right now call the above number. There is a way through this, and there are people who can help. 

I call that my whirlwind. It's like a freight train of unhappy thoughts, they gain traction, pick up more, get bigger and suddenly it's a tornado of negative ideas tearing through my mind. It's noisy and destructive. My amazing therapist taught me coping mechanisms to make it stop so I don't spend hours suffering needlessly. 
 

it's ok to get help. It's ok to ask your doctor for meds and to find a good therapist. Not all therapists are the same so don't feel bad if you don't click with one. You deserve to be happy and you are allowed to seek help in times of stress. 

Go get some help.   Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. Just make sure you do your due diligence in selecting a quality and qualified therapist or Phsychiatrist.

Meds are also nothing to be ashamed of.  My son is under the care of a Phsychiatrist and his quality of life is notably more positive when he maintains on his meds.

Similarly to you, he will spend way too much time in his own head and tear himself down if he is not careful.

He postponed therapy sessions after the Covid lock down started and failed to renew an Rx.  It only took a week or two for him to notice a decided decline in his enjoyment of his life.  After a call during which his mom and I sternly guided him to call the Doc, he renewed his Rx and a couple of weeks later was back to being the man he enjoys being and happily lamenting being a hermit.  He started running with a friend of his so his isolation is not as nearly complete as it has been.

I generally am an extremely positive and optimistic person.  Though after a 14mo and counting job search and 12 week and counting social isolation period even I can spend a little too much time with just me.  Fortuneately, my DW is home in the evenings so I get a break from myself and we enjoy out time together for a few hours every evening.

Take care of you.  

In addition to the advice you've already received, try to get some exercise and spend some time just relaxing outdoors.  It really helps.  Resist the urge to stay in bed.  Also avoid excessive sugar in your diet.

You've reached out here and it's now time you reach out to professionals. You need some help beyond what our words can offer. Please talk to your doctor. Sorry you are going through this. It's tough.