Flustered with step son...
So hello everyone, this is my first time posting here or actually have reached out to anyone about this. I am a step father who has been one for the past six years now. I also have two children of my own (one five year old boy and a four year old daughter) I want to ask for guidance as I need it. The schedule for him is 50/50 every other day but has been every two weeks since covid started. The ex dad gets to count him on his income tax and we have to pay for medical insurance and is a major ass about everything. He took my wife car away and had to start life with a cheaper one which was fine but life was very hard for the past years since we had to cover everythingfor the child. Also the ex would make sports a time to where when it was on our days we would have to go out..Well anyway I try to be the best step dad I can for him but sometimes when I hear about him of him coming over out of nowhere,it gets me very flustered and it's very difficult to overcome the feelings of this. He is fine with me as I am with him. I want to be a great person but in my head I think of all the time I lost out on with my children being at a younger age having to focus on him and not my kids and also financially not stable those years. We are making better money now but sometimes I wonder how it would have been if I would have not become a stepdad... Please don't judge me as I'm just letting out what I feel..iblove my wife very much and would never want to leave her but the stepchild makes me feel like I want to leave when I hear of him. Even my kids will mistakenly call me his name (which hurts).
Bio dad should be paying for SS support
All of it. He should be paying medical insurance, CS. Ect. Or your DW should be working to pay for her DS. Don't let bio dad get away with it, does DW still have feelings for the ex? Like he one of her kids ?
How do you know she doesn't
How do you know she doesn't make more money? Women don't get to just get a free ride as parents.
How old is the SS?
I see your son is 5 & your daughter is 4.
He should be..
He has called cps on us three times already and everytime he did they were all dismissed because we were not harming the kid at all. I do not believe she does cause it was a abusive relationship too. My SS is 12.
We won't judge you
Don't worry, nobody on here is going to judge you. We have all had our individual hells.
So it sounds like 3 issues: 1) the SS sounds like there are serious issues with him calling CPS repeatedly. 2) you perceive the financial arrangements to be unjust. 3) undefined boundaries around the father. You seem to be exhausted by the whole thing, who would blame you. Is that the crux or is there more?
Welcome to the club - many on
Welcome to the club - many on here wonder what life would be like if they never married someone with a high conflict ex. If your wife was abused by him, she likely doesn't like to make a fuss and stand up to him, but it's absolutely imperative that she does.
Every other day is a crazy custody schedule, at twelve it should be week on/week off. And your wife should ask you if he can come over extra time, or at least let you know.
All three of them..
Yes the ex husband manipulates the young boy by teaching him its alright to tell a lie sometimes and disrespectful towards his mom so he learned it from him and does it from time to time but I put him in his place when I do not like the way my SS talks. I felt like I could have given my children so much more while they were younger and not have to struggle so much. And yes I'm very exhausted from it... Ive told her before I want to change the contract agreement but nothing has happened...and prothe reason why I am venting is cause just a couple hours ago, out of nowhere we are getting the SS and I kindve make a pruny face so she knows I'm irratated by it but we had already made plans for today just us... I feel like I should be fine with him coming but hey at least ask me.. I know it's your child but still... What about our children.. Right?
Clarification
So the 4 & 5 year olds are your kids with your wife?
What does she think? That part seems to be missing here. She has a problematic 12 year old who the Ex is not parenting properly. The SS has caused serious problems in your home with the CPS calls. She cant just be ignoring these flashing red lights. What does she say? Her ex was abusive so I get it that she might want to avoid a financial fight with him but she obviously sees the financial stress. At the very least, i think you guys need a more defined visitation schedule. But that is just the start, the SS's issues would be my main concern, if I were her.
4&5 year Olds are mine and hers
We have taken him to counseling now for a couple years and they say he is better but Idk... Dad really messed his head up. When they told him they were divorcing he threw it all at the wife's fault and the boy was just crying.. I feel a bit broken and like I should be on anti depression meds honestly. I don't want to tear my family apart just cause of this situation...
Counseling
I dont know about the anti-depressants but i would very seriously consider counselng. If your wife wont go, go by yourself. I went during a very low period, 5 kids involved, long story. It changed my life when all seemed hopeless. You guys need outside help to figure out what to do. There are 5 oeople whose lives will be positively changed by you, with or without your wife, going.
Yes..
Yes I'll reach out to counseling..I need more guidance cause right now I just feel like I've been in auto pilot mode now for way too long.. Thanks you every one and if you wanna throw your two cents in still, please do.
Does your wife work?
Does your wife work? Financial stress was the main issue for us in the early years. That's why we were married for 10 freaking years before we even tried having our own kid.
You resent the 12 year old and his Biodad for competing for resources with your kids. I get that. I do. But your SS didn't choose to have two kids back-to-back. And the difference between claiming two kids versus three kids on your taxes isn't going to actually improve your financial situation. It's a few hundred bucks once a year.
If you did a bit of soul searching, I believe your financial stress is mostly due to your own choices individually and as a couple. Once you admit that, you can actually start planning on how to fix it. Maybe one of you needs to go back to school? Maybe one or both of you is underemployed? What can you do within the next six months that would increase your earning power?