What is SO's role now?
When SO and I first started dating three years ago, SD was 19 and a freshman in college. SS was 15. They were dependent minors and I accepted that I would have to be the one to take most of the initiative to build a relationship and I did. Things started out OK, but now I'm on this site because it ended in epic failure. SO saw the issues brewing between me and SD and didn't do anything about it because he didn't know what to do. I believe the bio parent who invites the new person into the family has a responsibility to help the newly formed unit bond. He failed all of us with his inaction. We all failed in our own way.
Fast forward three years. SD is 22, finished college, and has a full time professional job. SD is 18, graduated from high school, and also landed a great full time job in a factory. He's allowing them to live at home for as long as they need. What is SO's role now? SKIDs are bona fide adults capable of independence. They can make their own decisions about whether they want a relationship with me. SO has far less influence over them. Is it reasonable of me to expect SO to correct his adult kids when behave badly toward me? Or am I justified in saying that I will treat his adults the same way I treat every other adult in my life who is disrespectful to me without regard for whether they are his kids.
SO and I haven't talked about me interacting with his kids again since we got back together after a six month break. I'm just not sure if I should tell him that I need him to start leading us as a family or if I should tell him that his kids are adults now and I will handle them the same way I handle every other adult in my life who is disrespectful to me, which is to completely disengage from them.
I'm really trying to navigate to a peaceful solution while at the same time protecting myself based on what I know about all their insecurities and personalities.
Both things need to happen.
Both things need to happen. You should disengage, and he should set limits on them if they are rude to you.
Also, SD at least needs to move out, and SS soon, as well.
SD22 needs to move out into
SD22 needs to move out into her own place, especially if she is "behaving badly towards" you on a regular basis. You can disengage and still stand up for yourself. I am of the opinion we should all "do no harm, but take no shit".
Zero tolerance for any rude
Zero tolerance for any rude of toxic crap perpetrated by any adult related or not.
End of discussion.
DH steps up and has your back or call a locksmith to install programmable code locks that you can delete codes for. Then let the adult squatters know that their presence in your marital home is completely dependent on their behavioral choices.
Oh, geez
Just DTMFA.
There is real value in partnerships, and true power in the partnership we call marriage. Else people would not keep attempting to form them. But the key term here is "partnership." Partners do not treat each other, or allow each other to be treated, the way your "partner" and spawn are treating you.
Without concerted action on your part--a lot of work!--and a lot of luck, this is not going to change. Life should not be this hard. Aren't there any childless heterosexual men where you live?
He should insist his kids treat you with respect
He should insist his kids treat you with respect, it doesn't matter if they are adults. And you should handle them like you would any other adult that disprespects you.
It seems the easiest solution is to only see SO at your house. Why subject yourself to their bad behavior?
You really have to ask?
You really have to ask? Please think more of yourself.
His kids should be in a place either together in a 2bedroom place OR living with other peers splitting costs.
Realizing it doesn't matter
I'm realzing that my question doesn't matter. Even though SO's Adults are now capable of independence, its obvious he thinks he has gained 2 new adult friends to hang out with. He has found a new activity to do with SS18 on top of the activities they've always done. There's no time for the two of us to find a hobby together that allows us to make our own friends because he's giving them the majority of his free time. I've never seen this sort of co-dependence before. SO is really going to struggle with romantic relationships if he can't separate his role as parent from friend.
I believe the bio parent who
You expect this from a man??? Honey, how many chick flicks do you watch? Men don't care about your comfort, only theirs. He wanted you to go along with and mold to his dysfunctional situation.
You think 18 and 22 yr old skids are going to suddenly start listening to you and following your lead rather than the cushy no stress zero boundaries lifestyle their father provides??? It would be wise to refer to skids as SO's family rather than yours. I highly doubt these young adults think of you as their mother.
You do have choices:
Be a doormat and "stay sweet" (FLDS plural wives motto)
Disengage and realize there is no changing the situation
Live seperately from SO and his skidults
RUN AWAY!!!
I'm living option 2 and 3
We're LAT now but its just a matter of time before he'll start complaining that I won't go around his Adults. I would like nothing more than to turn my heart off and run away, but the heart doesn't work that way unfortunately. I've tried.
Dober, I am sad for you. It
Dober, I am sad for you. It can be hard but you have to believe you can do better and want to do better.
You're wise to realize what is happening and ask what SO's role
is now.
I love that you've had the epiphany that he failed not only himself, but you and the adult "kids." He had a duty IN THE VERY BEGINNING TO LET THEM KNOW DISRESPECT OF ANY KIND WILL NOT FLY. Because he has not done that, and they are "adults" capable of self-support, though not on their own, he has laid the foundation for the cubs to remain in the den for life, if they so choose. You on the other hand will always be viewed as an outsider because HE HAS NOT DONE HIS JOB. Because of that, and many of us being in that same situation, we have elected to completely disengage. I refuse to be around ANYONE who will not respect me or celebrate my magnificence! LOL. In all honesty, you have to be your own defender because he, like many "men" will not do anything to rock the boat with their little precious babies. Remember, to these dads bad behavior is better than no behavior, and all SK's eventually threated to walk away from daddy if he chooses to have a wife/life, or if he doesn't do as they say. Most are master manipulators, and it has worked very well for them. They are accustomed to holding daddy in the palm of their hand.
I wish you joy and happiness in your journey.
He won't change...and don't marry him!
If your SO hasn't had your back or laid the foundation for his (then teens) to respect you, it likely won't happen now.
GET.OUT.NOW
Since mid-March, I've paid over $4K to a lawyer to get me out of the hella mess of a VERY short marriage that included live-in SD24/DaughterWife (was to be only living with us for 3 months to finish school). STBXH promised me that her behaviors would change 'after we get married.' Well, it didn't happen and he REFUSED to see any issues because, well, all was well in HIS world. After we got married and moved into the house we bought, I held my tongue on saying things that NEEDED to be said to her...but I'm a lady and a professional...and wouldn't treat someone as shitty as STBXH and his DaughterWife treated me. I'm not a victim, I'm just telling you like others' on here...life is TOO SHORT to be unhappy! Save yourself the heartache, the arguments, the money on anything legal...your SO will not change. If he spins it that you're trying to make him decide between you and his daughter...well, that could be a messy conversation/argument.
I disengaged for a couple weeks before I left that sham of a marriage and it was a lot of work. I stopped cooking (I love to cook) because I'm not cleaning up their kitchen messes before I cook, stopped grocery shopping, stopped being present around them and I just didn't ENJOY living like that. But that's me.
If you can work out things with a great therapist, go for it! Just don't marry him.
We are hoping the best for you because you certainly deserve it!!
Your example and confidence
Your example and confidence are inspiring.
Thanks for sharing your journey.
thanks but this divorce stuff stinks!
Stinks to high heavens! Countless hours of going over financial documents, seeing what a horrible financial mess he is in...and I was ok with continuing to pay my own bills while he is still paying top dollar for the 'lifestyles' for his DaughterWife (24), her bf (26) that lives in the house now, and his other ungrateful entitled adult daughter (20). None of the adult kids work...STBXH can continue to work his tail off for them to live their lives of leisure. I witnessed it, so glad I escaped.
Yes, it does stink. It
Yes, it does stink. It always seem to be more difficult on the victim of the toxic spouse than on the toxic spouse themselves. Even though it is the quality who will thrive following the splitting of the blanket.
How is the sale of the home coming? Or did he buy you out of your half?
Enjoy your new life and... don't forget to send video clips of your sipping umbrella drinks from beach resorts after everything is finalized and he is broke and scrounging to support his harem of a polluted gene pool and their friends.
Living a good life is the best revenge... and what we should all be doing.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
Getting my happy back one day at a time!
Hi, thanks and thanks for asking.
Unsure what will happen to the house, bought it the end of January so no equity. I don't care if STBXH sells it or burns it the ground. Looks like a judge will determine this though. STBXH argument is that I didn't put money into the house so a judge might force me to sign the quit claim deed. I have no reason to budge and in no hurry to make decisions without thoroughly combing through ALL documents...and calling out the info that has conveniently NOT been provided. I'm almost finished combing through the docs.
I'm renting an apartment less than 5 minutes from the beautiful Florida panhandle resort area called 30A. Fluffy white beaches and the beautiful water truly earns the title of the Emerald Coast.
Today is a very beachy day!
Self-care is a very mindful thing we all need to practice, especially when we face stressful times or feel overwhelmed. It's a daily reminder on my calendar ;--)
Stay great!!
Every day you tolerate and
Every day you tolerate and suffer through this is a choice. Start making better choices. No love should cause continual pain, no partnership can survive when one partner does not value the relationship and partner above all else, love and relationships are not about pain and suffering. They are about thriving, journeying through life together, and addressing all issues together.
Your SO is not worthy of your commitment as proven continually by his actions and choices.
Take care of you.
Move on.
Agree ^^^^
Speaking from a woman's perspective since I only date men. ;-) I've known many women that have never had a really GOOD solid relationship with a man...so I think it's difficult to compare or really 'see it' when a man enters the life of the woman and does some of the bonehead things we read about on here. Do women want a guy to 'fix' or play mommy to his kids? Ladies, when men treat us right, we know it, we feel it, we see it, others' see it. However, when we have to question why our feelings, thoughts, suggestions, expectations, etc are constantly being invalidated, then our answer is right there.
When I met my STBXH at age 49, I thought, "Ok, we each bring about 50 years of life exeperiences to this relationship and you know, relationships take the hard work we hear about." So women need to really weigh out the differences between 'hard work' and 'struggling' in the relationship. Dealing with a guy with textbook Narcissistic Personality Disorder, enmeshment with his daughter(s), no boundaries with ex-wife/Biomom, lacking integrity in finances and in business, being emotionally checked-out, inconsistent or moody...are just some indicators of BIG issues that are on the horizon.
There are some amazing MEN out there so please don't settle. I settled...in many ways...and I won't allow that to happen again.
Know your self-worth...hugs
I am a man who only has dated
I am a man who only has dated women. And I agree with you. When I see either a man or a woman who treats their partner as far too many people on STalk are treated by partners I just shake my head..
There are amazing people out that there. That so many give up before finding one is stunning to me.
I'm really struggling with
I'm really struggling with this story line, and it's a popular one around here, how do these dads have a sex life? How do the women they do find put up with it? Boggles my mind. I have way too much respect for myself to get caught up in a situation like this with a grown man. OP I really hope you aren't just a FB for him. You deserve better.