I am so sorry.  I understand why your heart is broken.  Step family dynamics are so complicated.  You said the boys love and like you, I'm sure it wasn't intentional.

I feel the same way.  I've been in SS's life since he was 1.  BM had custody until he was 9.  When DH got him he was a mess.  He was violent, disrespectful, a liar, a thief, a criminal in the making and failing 3rd grade.  Of course DH buried his head in the sand and did nothing.  SS had done so many horrible things in his young life.  Long story short I stepped in and got him the help he needed, encouraged him, spent time with him and helped him build his self esteem.  Now he is 13 and has made a complete 360.  He was the captain of his basketball team and the coach of the girls team.  He does his chores EVERY DAY with no complaints.  A totally different kid.  I often wonder when he grows up and becomes successful in whatever he chooses to do will he only credit BM and DH?  Will he even acknowledge me and the times I was there for him when his own parents weren't?

The way that I have chosen to overcome these feelings is that I look at it like everything I do/have done for SS13 as charity.  I do it out of the kindness of  my heart with no expectation of anything in return.  It helps protect my heart.  And just as with charity I give what I can and it is totally optional.  It's up to me decide what I give (time, money, affection).  I do what I can when I can and I don't expect anything in return.  Of course it's nice to be appreciated when it happens, but that's not why I do it.  I look at SS the same way as any other charitable cause that I contribute to.  I see someone in need and I help when and if I can.

I feel bad for you.  These "milestone" events are big ugly bombshells in stepfamilies.  As an outsider reading your post, i actually think the day went as well as could be expected.  When you said Whackadoodle walked over, i thought, oh no, she wanted to dance with your DH, thank God it wasn't that. I know only time will soothe your hurt, but dont you think every person there, including DIL's family, knew that you've been the real mother figure for years?  And if they didnt, Whackadoodle's appearance and demeanor proved it.

I had a similar feeling at SD's 1st wedding which I planned, orchestrated and we paid for.  After working my bu** off. at the reception, i found myself sitting alone for awhile. The SKs were all with BM who hadn't lifted a finger.  I hate these events.

I feel for you so much! Major milestones are HARD & rarely do stepparents get the credit they deserve. You're definitely not alone in feeling bad on a big day!

Honey, all I can say is I really feel for you.  I’m going to quote a portion of what you wrote, because I want others to see this:

“After the ceremony she puts her claw on my shoulder and thanks me for helping take care of her boyees. In a tone which implied to me that I was the nanny. . . .  The dances! I was not prepared for dances. SS dances with his bride, DIL dances with her dad and then Whackadoodle slithers across the grass to dance with SS. And it hit me, hard. I basically helped raise this kid for that moron and she shows up eight years later, after the hard work has been done, and waltzes in like MOTY. I turned to DH and my lip was quivering (which I hate!) and my eyes were filled with tears and I asked him if it would be OK if I left for a while and he said yes. I went into the bathroom and cried until the music stopped. 

My heart is shattered with the realization that I will never be that important. They like me, maybe even love me, but I'm always going to be behind the scenes. I've always been a behind the scenes person, even at work and I don't like the spotlight or attention but for some reason this really bothered me.”

I had similar happen at my SD’s wedding, only with the feeling like sloppy-seconds coming from my DH vs. my boyees.  Truth is, you can never prepare for something like this.  You can never prepare for the realization that your DH (or SKs that you raised as your own) are not truly yours.  I always say at my SD’s wedding, I lost both of my SKs and part of my husband. 

Maybe it is jealousy, but I won’t call it so.  Others might, but what it really is is the realization that what you thought you had, a basically normal life or marriage, you don’t.  In my case, I wasn’t jealous of BM or SKs, but I was totally infuriated with my DH for treating me as everyone seemed to be doing, and that was as sloppy seconds.

I’m sure there are many non-steps who don’t get SMs’ reactions at a lot of these type of events, but truth is, who goes to an event with their husband expecting to be treated like anything other than their husband’s spouse?  Every other married couple, for instance, can go to any event knowing for sure that they will be together and that there won’t be any drama over who is with who.  That is not true for SMs.  We, on the other hand, have to go wedding, showers, baptisms, birthdays, etc., always wondering if somehow our relationship with our own husband is going to be somehow challenged; or, in your case, your relationship with your boyees.

Take care OP, and take some solace in that at least your DH has your back.  That doesn’t always happen.  You’ll need to, like I had to, think this through.  Yes, in our society, BM will always be seen as the heroine, regardless, and even if someone else technically raised her children for her (remember, you raised them for your DH too).  On the other hand, I’m afraid, SMs will always be seen as “behind the scenes,” and that is even with their own spouse!  In my case, tho., I don't have to suck it up and take it.  And, now, years down the road, I rarely do.

I remember your story very well from the old days. 

BM can waltz in and PRETEND to be MOTY, but most people at that wedding knew the truth, and if they don't yet, they will find out soon enough. And that includes your stepsons, they know who and what their mother really is. I remember your stories of her sending them garbage as presents and them dumping it in the trash.

Remember the expression: The true test of your character is what you do when no one is watching.  BM is good at putting on a show, but you were the mother figure they could count on.

Oh Helen, huge HUGS.

I don't know if this helps, but I remember when SS22 senior day at football and they asked who he wanted on the list.  He could have upto 4 family members.  DBDB was never at a game unless it was a photo op so of course she was attending this one and told SS22 that her, her husband, her mother and DH were the ones walking him out.  He told her that he didn't want step father but wanted me and SS17 to walk him.  She of course freaked.

He was upset because he knew who was always there for him and supported him in all he did.  He told me that he felt "obligated" to have her walk because it was his mother.  That little sentenance let me know that he did appreciate me and he does loves me and didn't want my feelings hurt.  In the end it was just DH, DBDB and SS17 walking him out as it should be.

Please know that your SS knows who was there and who wasn't.  Wackadoodle knows it too!

I really feel for you. I don't know your whole story but, I feel like this will be future. Even though it's years away I still think about these things. Just remember your skids know (mine are teens and they have it pretty much figured out) and so does everyone else I'm sure. The show must go on in BMs head even though most of it is fictional. 

My BS was married in a smallish ceremony.  My Ex was always a deadbeat dad and we had no contact.  But BS stayed in contact with him and his new wife, a photographer.  So new wife offered to take pictures at the wedding.  Afterwards, i realized that my face only appeared in about 3 of the pictures.  I'm laughing now, she must have thought, i can't stand to see that BM's face!

Moral of the story:  don't have your enemy taking the pictures.