Need to Stop Getting so Emotionally Involved
So my DH has a tornado of an Ex. She shows major symptoms of Munchausen by Proxy as well as Narcissitic Personality Disorder. She is constantly making everything an argument and then just responding with "I won't be communicating on this any further." as if that ends the conversation. She is toxic and manipulative and has nothing in her life except SK7.
She has adapted her entire identity around him and his made up problems. She got a job for people with special needs children (he is undiagnosed and 100% functional), tried to get him a motorized wheelchair for field trips, filed an emergency hearing over gummy vitamins and is an overall nutter.
But he is the ONLY thing she has going for her. Her family is small and in another state, she has lost nearly all her friends and she seems to have a new job every year. She claims to be this badass female warrior but all she does is talk about her past and try to claim DH was a narcisisstic abuser and alienated her from everyone in her life, and how all her problems stemmed from their relationship.
They were together for over a decade, she suffered from depression, anxiety, bipolarism, and even some minor post partum after SK7's birth. DH tried to get her to see a therapist repeatedly, even once at her own mother's insistence. They seperated because he couldn't handle putting SK7 through her erratic behavior and didn't want him to grow up in a house where the parent's were always fighting.
I originally tried to look at the situation as unbiased as possible because I knew I only had half the story, but we've been together for over 4 years now and from personal experience, I'm pretty confident his side of the story was spot on.
She is basically a child in the sense that she can't see the world from anyone else's perspective. Every scenario is only how she sees it, she is always the victim, the defender, never the problem. Anything bad she sees in herself is projected on to someone else. If anyone says something she disagrees with she moves on to someone who will say what she wants to hear (SK7 has had 3 PCP's since I've been in the picture and at least 5 PT's, not counting the dozen specialists that all said SK7 was healthy).
My problem is I care about all of this. I'm invested. I want her to change so that SK7 doesn't get hurt by it. But the more invested I am, the more I see her in SK7, and the more I fight with DH. I care too much about all of it when in reality her life is none of my business and I can only control the time I have with SK7. Beyond that its not my business.
But how do I stop getting so emotionally involved?
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It's easy to say "disengage"
I'm sure we are all going to say, "disengage" but it's easier said than done. When we care about the child, its is pretty hard to do. I feel for you watching this all unfold.
Stepping back, gaining
Stepping back, gaining emotional distance, disengaging - whichever term you prefer, it's all a process that starts in your own mind before manifesting in action.
Learning ACCEPTANCE was huge for me. What is, is. Things were screwed up before we came along, and it's not our job to try and fix things. Everyone has their own path, and lessons they have to learn along the way. To interfere in another's lessons is wrong.
I developed a few deceptively simple mantras that I would repeat in my head when faced with dyfunction. It could be as simple as "It's none of my business", "I'm not going to interfere" , or "I have to take care of me". Just little reminders that keep us in our own lane. I've told myself "I'm not interested" so. many. times., and guess what? I'm not interested!
Me: over here.
Dysfunction: over there.
Come to think of it, we SMs need to steal the Mandalorian's motto: This is The Way... to peace in steplife.
If you are a reader and
If you are a reader and seeing things in print helps you understand, then I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It really does start in your mind. Spend too much time and energy focused on this and will have a breakdown of one kind or another. It's not healthy in the long run. Rxjuliemccoy knows firsthand as do I.
I really cared a lot about my
I really cared a lot about my SS at first too - he was 10 when I met him. His mother is also personality disordered, toxic, etc - (she used to say "this conversation is over" - much like yours.)
Gradually, as I watched my SS slowly turn into his mother, my give-a-f*** went away. Now he's 20 and I have as little to do with him as possible. He lies, cheats and manipulates just like his mother. Plays the victim like his mother. Doing nothing with his life, but none of it is his fault.
You cannot change this woman, in fact, you can't change ANYONE. She is not likely to make any effort to do anything different. If your DH is able to get full custody, that's the best thing he can do for the kid, but if not, he and you need to prepare for the fact that not only will your SS likely not do well in life, BM will most likely alienate him from both of you eventually and he will refuse visitation (usually around 14 or so, when BM thinks the court will side with her in not forcing him to go). My SS had nothing to do with either of us for over 3 years.
Guard your heart - this won't likely turn out well. If your SS is the rare kid who sees through his mother and thrives anyway, great - but don't count on it.
You can only control your own house
It is difficult to not get emotionally involved. I find that it's easier if I tell myself "you can only control what happens in your own house."
My sd9 is feral, neglected and abused in the other household but there's nothing I can do about that so I only focus on my house. I specifically focus on doing educational activities with the child when she is here because I cannot in good conscience have a child in my household and not help them with education. I also focus on her hygiene routines when she is here.
perhaps pick one or two items that you can focus on when your skid is there and help him master those items. That may help fill that need you have to become emotionally involved without actually being emotionally involved; you're just helping him master a task or two-that's all. That has helped me a lot. Good luck!
Oh hun, been there. One thing
Oh hun, been there. One thing I can say is that I hope you are able to emotionally disengage because it wears you down to your soul. Your DH needs to make sure the doctors talk to each other though- You wouldn't believe how many of SS's diagnoses would "resolve" after a simple phone call letting them know that the family history she gave was false and to please consult with Dr. ____ on this matter because you have already found that x,y,and Z aren't real and he doesn't have them.