10 years of marriage and the nightmare is only beginning
I’m sorry if this post is long, but this is my first time posting and I feel I must give some background.
In the beginning:
DH and I got married when I was 18 years old and he was 23. I met him when I was an impressionable and idiotic 16 years of age, but there was zero chance of my being with him so young, especially since he had a 2 year old at the time. I should have known when I met him that life with him would not be an easy thing, because his baby mama was already causing drama in public where he, I, and a bunch of our mutual friends, had been getting food/drinks.
He had tried to get back with the Ex to make things work for the child, and they ended up having another child. YAY! Despite everything, we reconnected later on and got married when I was 18 (almost 19) after living together for about 8 months.
As an 18 year old, I was idealistic and believed that I could change the world. My DH and I tried to get custody of the kids (SD 1, SS 4), which in CA was stupid because they will give a mother custody even under very horrible circumstances. We lost the battle for custody and things just continued as they were, visitation every other weekend and kids blaming me for their parent’s separation. She would go so far as to tell her son to piss all over our bathroom. BM would feed lies and horrible things to the children so as to make life hell for us. A year later BM got married, and she is right now in the middle of divorcing SF (stepfather, so as not to confuse SD with step dad). BM is seriously one of the laziest POS out there: refuses to work so she can get assistance from the state, constantly expecting my husband to pay more money for expenses that are not the kid’s, never buying new clothes for the kids so they go around in rags that are either WAY too big or small, and she spends her ENTIRE life on video games (where she met her soon-to-be ex-husband and now, her new boyfriend). She has even told my SD that she refuses to go to work so she can get more alimony from her soon to be EX.
Between the time of us losing the custody battle and now, my DH has been working his ass off to make ends meet, while I have been working and going to school, all the while he has been raped up the butt for CS that is never used on skids. Visitation was always on BM’s terms and intermittent. Often, they would visit whenever there were breaks from school and she had things she wanted to do without them there.
Currently:
Long story short, the current situation is that BM is divorcing SF, and after a week of being at her parents’ house, my high functioning autistic SS has been kicked out and is now living with us until she can “find her own place”, though she has ZERO reason to move considering she doesn’t pay rent and doesn’t want to work. BM told my DH that this situation would be short term, but now my SD is texting my husband (with newer phones than us thanks to the state paying their bills) begging him to let her move in with us and trying to manipulate him to feel sorry for her.
My DH is torn; he has never had feelings for the kids the way most parents do, due to the way she has molded them to see him (and especially me) as the enemy, despite our number of failed attempts to integrate them into our family and offers to let them live here. However, he feels responsible for doing what is right by them as human beings in need. The truth of the matter is, they don’t actually want to live here (which happens to be 1 hour away from BM). They get mad at their mom and then they get over it and don’t want to abide by the rules we have in place here. Why would they want to stay with us where there are rules and discipline for breaking those rules when they could stay with BM and do whatever they want so long as she is preoccupied on her video games? We have always given them the option to live here, but the first time they are disciplined, they throw a fit and want to go home or just sulk and completely ignore us. Not to mention, BM enjoys the control over the children and needs them to validate herself, and as CP, she decides what happens with them, and only does anything to suit her ever-changing whim.
Oh, it gets better though. My DH is without a job, barely collecting any unemployment, trying to go back to school, while I am in nursing school and trying to continue working, and we had to sell our house to have some savings in our account to make ends meet while we pursue our education. And NOW is the time he wants to move them into our home…. Even IF they stayed here and the CS order was cancelled, she would have ZERO income and ZERO ability to help US pay for my Skids’ expenses, which would be even harder for us to do!
I’m overwhelmed. I haven’t even had much interaction with my SS, nor is he a horrible kid, but I find myself resenting my situation more and more and withdrawing from my husband. I don’t want them here, but already my husband is asking me where we should enroll my SS in school… I tell him “nowhere” because BM still has full custody and makes all decisions for my SS. He gets mad at me, but I don’t know what else to say…?? His son has said he doesn’t want to go to school here and doesn’t want to live here long term! The worst part is, though my SS is somewhat manageable, despite living like an animal, my SD is a freaking nightmare. I’m panicking!
How do I disengage when they are living here under the same roof? I feel like my husband depends on me to help out and co-parent, but I’m at the point where I think that it was his decision to have kids with her, it’s his job to handle their needs. Yet, I also don’t want him making decisions that will impact me without me being apart of the decision. You know?
On a different note, it hurts me to think about wanting my own children that I’ll never have with my husband. He’s had children that resent him for leaving their mother and a horrible experience with his ex that has put him off of wanting any other kids. And honestly it puts me off of wanting kids too… It sucks because I feel like if I were with anyone else, I would have my own children instead of making up all these excuses of why it isn’t a good idea so I can feel better about the fact that it is never going to happen for me.
I feel like I’m a terrible person for not having feelings for my DH’s children, but I can’t change how I feel or don’t feel. It shames me to think that I have more feelings for my two dogs than I have for those kids, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I just know that his children moving in with us FT will definitely strain our marriage, which we already have to work hard at without adding his children to the mix.
Thanks for listening to me rant. I wish you all luck with your own situations.
Don't worry, as soon as DH
Don't worry, as soon as DH tries to collect CS from BM, or stop the CS she's getting, she will come get SS.
But in the meanwhile, stand your ground that you are not okay with him moving in full-time, ever. And considering your DH has little paternal feelings for them, you can be forgiven for having none yourself.
By my math, you are 28 - are you sure this is the right guy for you long-term? Don't give up having kids if you really want them.
Wow! This sounds horrible
Wow! This sounds horrible for all. What a challenge. However, I also commend you for being honest and being able to get at the heart of the matter so quickly. “How do I disengage when they are living here under the same roof? I feel like my husband depends on me to help out and co-parent, but I’m at the point where I think that it was his decision to have kids with her, it’s his job to handle their needs. Yet, I also don’t want him making decisions that will impact me without me being a part of the decision. You know?” I’d be resentful too in that situation. Any one would.
Good thing you found StepTalk. Otherwise, if you went to a mom’s site or such, I’m sure you would have been told what a be.atch you are for not just sucking it up and taking it. There are two kids’ lives to think about here, and such. But, as you point out, they are not your children. If these kids are brought into your home, you will have the burden of much responsibility without any authority in reference to these kids, and you will have a HCBM to deal with too, and it sounds like also your DH is well on his way into morphing into a Disney Dad, if he wasn't already.
My first question is, have any of you checked on the legalities of such an arrangement? For example, determining the length of the exchange, child support (is it going to end for BM, as it should, or is DH going to just “let it go,” which would be quite asinine), the ethics and legalities (perhaps) of moving an autistic child from a home he is familiar with, etc. BM may be a horrible mother, but she is his mother and he is more familiar with her. So, if anything, I’d insist DH look into that first.
Secondly, putting BM’s issues aside, DH is right in that HE does have an obligation to his children. You do not, but he does. As much as he may not feel like their father, and I get that, because divorce (either on purpose, accidentally or accidentally on purpose) does have a way of alienating fathers from their children, nonetheless he still is dad.
Above all, remember you are not a terrible person, and you need to seriously think about your options. You may have more than you realize. You also need to seriously think about whether or not you are willing to forgo children for this man.
There are the usual options to leave or stay or disengage. Personally, I’m not sure disengaging would work well in this situation. There is just too much going on. To disengage, you’d basically have to move out, which is, another option. Is there someone else you could stay with in the interim (temporarily)? This is why you’d want things in writing or done legally, because if the term is six months, let’s say, you could plan on moving out for that length of time. However, I’d admit, even given a contract, you never know. . . Step-parenting is always a crap shoot, even with so-called “solid” contracts in place. But, in theory, you’d live with family or friends for several months while your DH gets this sorted out and they are back in custodial care of BM.
The other option, is to just throw in the towel. And, if you really want to have kids of your own, seriously think about this. Also, don’t let anyone tell you this isn’t an option. You’ll be getting it from your DH, BM, all sides, about what a ho you are for not wanting to suck it up and take it. BUT, you are not the family’s maid or servant or steward. You are a person just as they are with your own hopes, dreams, aspirations, etc. Parents need to look out for their children, yes, but you, especially in this type of situation, need to look out for yourself.
Think very seriously about this, see a counselor if need be, but above all, remember you are not a terrible person and you have value and worth just as much as anyone else here. Take care, and best of luck to you. And, it is easy to finger-point, we all do that, but at the end of the day, all that may really matter is, it is what it is and what are YOU going to do about it. You cannot change BM, you cannot change DH and his obligation to his children; all you can do is change yourself.
YES! ALL OF THIS!
YES! ALL OF THIS!
Sorry if I missed this... but
Sorry if I missed this... but how old are the kids now? I'm assuming still young... which means a long road ahead for you and DH. If he is being honest about not having paternal feelings, I think you should validate that for him and make him feel NOT guilty for that. He hasn't had a relationship with them and it has totally been on BM accord. If the kids are "staying" with you, I would let BM know the CS will be stopping. I'm guessing she will then come running to get the kids.
Have an honest conversation with DH about having kids. There was another poster on here lately with a similar issue... I think she was late30s though. Don't settle for not having kids with this guy if you would want them otherwise.
I think if you can come to a conclusion with a PERMANENT solution about where the kids live and also a temp order for CS due to COVID I do think y'all can get back on track and focus on your own relationship.
Deal-breaker
I feel that if you want children in the future and are young enough to have them, you must consider leaving.
I regret that I did not have my own. I love SD14, truly, but at the end of the day, shes the daughter of another woman and will always be enmeshed with that.
Knock that crap off.
You are not a terrible person.
Now for the key question. Where is the upside for you in this relationship? Your DH has ruined his life by breeding twice with a woman he claims to have never loved. And he is ruining your life by failing to deal with all of it effectively. A marriage has to be beneficial for both partners in the marriage. If not, there is no reason for the marriage to exist unless one partner is willing to sacrifice their own happiness for the other.
So, what is there in this marriage for you?
If the answer is not immediate and far more than just a forlorn hope that he will extricate his head from his ass and make a concerted effort to deliver on happiness for you, why stay?
Take care of you. Be happy. Move on.
I agree with everyone else
I agree with everyone else here that you should consider leaving. I was very young when I met my DH and we have been together over a decade and it never gets better. In fact it just gets worse. I ended up having children with my husband and sometimes I feel as though they are put on the back burner. SD treats my husband like crap and blames him and me for her life being so difficult because he parents are not together. My husband pays a ridiculous amount of child support and our lives are dictated by SD and BM's ever changing moods. It's a long way to 18.
Sadly, it rarely ends when
Sadly, it rarely ends when Skids turn 18 or even when they finish college... if they ever finish college.