Reality check, RE: feelings of guilt
Hello all,
This is my first post- apologies in advance as this post may be long. I'll start by saying that I married into blended family- I had one son, husband had one daughter and together we made 2 more (boy and girl). Long story short, our marriage didn't last because stepdaughter had a SUPREME mini-wife syndrome, and learned very quickly to manipulate husband with narcissistic traits and crockodile tears. Husband had no balls at the time (still doesn't) to set stepdaughter straight. We divorced. Years went by, our children from previous marriages grew and left their respective nests.
While divorced, Husband had lost his house due to poor financial managment; I managed to buy a house on my own.
Husband and I gave it another try, with our remaining 2 teenage kids. Everything was going well, I even rekindled my relationship with stepdaughter who has (seemingly) grown into a smart, young woman. Stepdaughter sitll had some issues of "control" but I picked my battles and let is slide for the sake of keeping the family together.
On this particular day, stepdaughter (now married and 3 months pregnant) waited for me to leave the living room where all the family was sitting, and proceeds to ask her Dad if he would sponsor a $5,000 (not a typo) baby shower... Dad who takes pride in being "the provider" agrees without consulting me first. I come in the living room and stepdaughter announces to me "Guess what Dad said he will sponsor a baby shower" I said (without knowing the whole story) "Of course!!!"
The following week the conversation came up with our 2 bio children... "I can't believe you guys are going to do a $5,000 baby shower for stepdaughter!" I said "*****WHAAAAAT??????" that amount is unacceptable, our kids are now HS seniors and contemplating college, we owed the IRS, and we had a deposit on a cruise for our vacation, etc., etc. NO WAY WE COULD AFFORD THAT AMOUNT!!! So I immediately send a family text message to everyone that was in the living room and heard stepdaughter ask for the expensive baby shower and asked if we could scale it back, because there was no way we could afford that amount with everything going on. And just like that my relationship with stepdaughter went to $hit as I am the "wicked stepmother" again.
We tried working it out to no avail, because as you may know narcissists never admit to wrongdoing and insists that the "fallout is my fault- and husband doesn't really respect me as a wife because if he did, he would have said "let me discuss with wife, before we decide to host the babyshower" (she's right on that one, but I digress).
So, I'm thinking of doing a will, with all this COVID-19 business- and I'm leaving stepdaughter out of it. I really have no obligation to her, much less if she doesn't like / respect me. But I'm strugglin with guilt feelings...
Any words of wisdom, please?
HMS
Honestly, your husband should
Honestly, your husband should have been the one to tell her it had to be scaled back. He put you in the position of being the bad guy.
Yep.. I agree with Tog.. your
Yep.. I agree with Tog.. your DH should have been the one to deal with this. (I have a feeling a group family text was also not the best way to delivery sensitive news to her... it made the "rejection" more public?)
As far as your will? You are absolutely able to do what YOU want with what YOU have earned and built in your lifetime. You are not obligated to include his children in your bequeath.. unless there is a significan't portion of what you may leave that would have been built/earned by your DH and perhaps you inherited from him with the intent to pass on to "all his kids".
Believe me at the time of the reading of the will.. you won't be around to care anyway.. or deal with the fallout...so do what makes you comfortable.. you are not obligated to make your will an open book to the family either. it is a personal decision.
You have no obligation to
You have no obligation to leave anything to anyone in your will. DH and I agreed that we take care of each other first, our bio kids second. He has a decent pension but zero assets, so NOTHING other than some material things will go to his kids (nor to me for that matter). I guess one of us will have a house to sell, but we're long ago out of any childhood home and any of that entitlement. I will have a decent retirement income as well, but I also have significant assets. That will go to my bios if there's anything left after I enjoy my retirement, and I don't feel one bit guilty about that. Those assets were built from my parents and myself.
I have a decent relationship with DH's kids, but I don't feel one bit obligated to leave them anything.
You aren’t obligated and do
You aren’t obligated and do not need to feel guilty.
I would rather leave any money I have to my bio kids, I would never have left anything to my now ex step kids.
My own mother often jokes about leaving money to a cats home. It wouldn’t actually surprise me if she did. It’s her money, I don’t feel ‘entitled’ to it and it wouldn’t bother me.
If I ever were to leave anyone anything I will never tell them I was going to do so either.
However, everyone had different opinions and I appreciate that.
Welcome to the site!
You should have no feelings of guilt whatsoever, except maybe for overestimating your DH's sense and capability regarding financial management and managing his adult kids. I hope you have not put his name on the deeds to your house! He is a complete twerp for agreeing to foot the bill for this ridiculously expensive baby shower, which was an excuse for her to squeeze him for as much cash as she thought she could get. You can make a will leaving stuff to whomever you choose, that is your right.
Thank you all for your kind
Thank you all for your kind responses and opinions. I know I should have let DH talk to SD about scalling back the baby shower... However It was such a boundary violation of my household's finances, that I knew I had to take the reigns and run with it. BTW we ended up cancelling our vacation to accomodate A babyshower for SD (not exactly a $5,000 one...) but she refused every suggestion. We ended up giving her reasonable amount of cash.
Regarding sending the group "family" text.... This is what I hate the most... the double standards... It was ok for SD to put DH on the spot in front of the family to ask for an expensive babyshower? Yet, when I use the same method and include the same family members is wrong? SD can give it, but not take it???*scratch_one-s_head*
No, DH is not on the deed and we did a pre-nup. My guilt comes from wanting to treat all the kids the same... but since SD has been so disrespectfull, talking $hit about me to my kids and DH behind my back, I figured why reinforce the bad behavior. Last Christmas I went out of my way to purchase Xmas gifts for SD, her husband and the baby, and when DH and my kids went to visit her and deliver the gifts- instead of saying a simple "thank you" she went on a major "character smear campain" about me. I. AM. DONE!*sorry2*
Canceled Vacation
Wow, i would be SO SO freaking mad if I was, firstly, circumvented like you were about the shower, and secondly had to cancel my vacation because of rude SD's baby shower. Although with COVID Im sure that its in everyones best interest right now to sta in place.
What was your Dh's response when he told you about the verbal sewage his daughter dearest was spewing about you?
Does he realize how lucky he is that you got back with him, in spite of his failed relationship toxic spawn?
Just wow.
Dh has 2 daughters, one I get along with fabulously, Munchkin SD14, and one I keep a great distance from, Feral Forger SD21.
I have no bios of my own, sadly.
Feral Forger gets nothing of mine except a vintage Alice in Wonderland illustrated book, although Im seriously rethinking this.
Munchkin will get my life insurance $$$ for college if BOTH DH and I pass a the same time. Im thinking that if we both pass, I will beqeath all to my dad, with instructions to manage the house and other assets to benefite Munchkin only. Thats if we both pass. Otherwise its DH's to do whatever, although I told him that I would haunt him if he benefited Feral Forger with MY assets.
We have completely separated finances and both contribute equally to all bills and mortgage as well as big ticket items, like tvs and our new fishing boat. Anything that he has thats "left over" is his to do what he wants. He bought Feral Forger shoes for a job that she was fired from for positive drug test, but thats on him, thats his "left over". I made a promise not to bug him about it.
So - hopefully in the future you might consider separating your finances...hes shown himself to be irresponsible.
P.S. Ill be mad at you if you decide to leave that spoiled cretin a dime of your cash or assets.
You said it
Why reinforce bad behavior? Boundaries are healthy. I wouldn't give them one cent. Are your bio kids in your hubbie's will?
How dare she ask for that
How dare she ask for that much. How dare your husband agree to it. He does know the financial situation you are in right? If he "needs " to do this then he gets another job or sells some toys to pay for it. You have two teenagers at home, what's wrong with him? Rhetoric I know. I have an ours baby now 11. All the bios and skids are over twenty. Any extra we have needs to go to our kid. They had thiers.
It's not good etiquette for family to throw a baby shower.
Im pissed for you OP.
What an entitled young lady!
I can't believe the nerve of her! You are showing a lot of restraint, this can't be the first instance.
You and your bios should have
You and your bios should have went on the vacation and left sd's dad (he seems to think that's the most important title) home. His vacation funds were spent on his daughter's baby shower.
And yes, covid or not, you should have a will to protect your children. Clearly sd's dad can't be trusted with money.
Seriously? He spent your vacation funds on his adult daughter's baby shower!
Ridiculous! When did it come to these lavish weddings, themed
birthday parties for toddlers, (who have no idea there IS A THEME) and expensive baby showers?? The idea of a baby shower is to get FREE GIFTS to assist in providing for the baby.
People used to live very modestly. They got married on the money they had. I know and elderly lady who told me she and her husband got married in the 1940's on $50! That included her dress, his suit and their cake. They had to wait to buy wedding rings becuase they couldn't afford them. They were married 70 years until his passing. It seems the people who got married with the least stayed married the longest and nowadays some weddings last longer than the marriage does.
Nowadays there is no concept of delayed gratification. Everyone wants to live like a Kardashian in their early 20's. Brand new homes with granite counter tops, no fixer uppers...brand new cars in the driveway, nobody can buy used and work their way up to buying a brand new car. It's really and truly so very sad. I mean, what do you have to look forward to and set goals for if you "have it all" by the time you're 30?
I feel social media is largely responsible for people feeling like they have to "prove" something to the world. Well, I came from the family belief of if you don't have the money you cannot afford it and therefore, cannot do it, whatever "IT" is. That's the gene pool I come from.
I'm really hoping this lavish "baby shower" was shut down. I can't get my mind around how a baby shower can be THAT PRICEY??
So tragic that this relationship was given a second opportunity, only to see that he has still placed SD in the driver's seat.
Maybe you've provided an update, I will check, but in the event you haven't, please do!