I don’t know what to do!

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My SS25 moved back in with us in September and does not speak to me or my 3 teenage kids. It is causing such a problem with me and my husband. SS moved in after quitting an engineering job to go back to school for philosophy. He didn't get into the philosophy schools and has been living with us with no job, doesn't contribute around the house and he is a hoarder! His room smells horrible, he has garbage in there and hasn't washed clothes or sheets since September. My husband is afraid to confront him because SS gets so angry. I saw his room when he went for a walk one day, then told my husband to look and deal with. He dragged his feet and kisses his sons but because he is such a lax parent. I believe in rules and structure and kindness. I spoke to my husband a million times about this but he doesn't deal with it. SS barely goes to see his BM unless she begs him, I'm so close to calling her over here to deal with it. Worst of all he ignores me and my kids like we are trash. I make dinner every night, he eats a ton and has never said thank you. Yells at his father all the time saying the f word and my husband laughs. I have no respect for my husbands parenting. His daughter was so rude to us too but at least she moved out. Any advice?

Welcome to the site!

This vile cuckoo in the nest who is your SS, has to go, simple as that. Even if he were polite and helped around the house, I don't think it's a good idea having adults well into their 20s, allowed to live with parents - they need to be making their own life by this age. I can sympathise because my SD25 still lives with her mother - she is a gigantic failure to launch. But I have told my DH in no uncertain terms that she is never living with us. If BM is willing to tolerate it good luck to her, I am not.

You tell your DuH that it's

You tell your DuH that it's time he manned up and ejected this sponger from your home. A marital home is for two adults only and this interloper is making family life impossible. Not only does he bring nothing to the table, but he is actively damaging your family life with his attitude, your home and its worth if you decide to sell. Who knows what the disgusting mess in his room is concealing... Why should your kids have to live with this filthy, obnoxious, rude boor of a leech? What kind of memories will they have of their teen years? And what kind of an example is this person's presence setting for them?

First thing Monday morning, take yourself off to the courthouse and find out how to legally evict this parasite if his father won't do it.

And be ready

To chuck daddy kins out the door after SS25 if DH doesn't support you.

No man is worth this amount of misery!

Money

I don't make enough money to leave, believe me I've thought about it. I signed a pre nup before marrying and his home is still his home.

Then make your stepson's life

Then make your stepson's life a living hell. Demand that he clean his room, put his dishes in the dishwasher, wash his clothes, clear the table at the end of a meal, anything and everything that a member of the household should be doing. And don't forget to vaccuum near his room as early in the day and as often as possible (make sure you knock the wall and dor often).

As for your pathetic husband, have you let him know how much of a turn-off it is watching him kiss his son's ass? That you long for the day when he gets his balls back? That you've nearly forgotten what the word "desire" means? If not, DO IT.

It is a turn off

You are so right. I'm not attracted to him because he has no balls! and I will make my SS life hell, I am so loud in he mornings. Because you know he sleeps all day, goes to bed at 6am!

Then go for it! And enjoy it!

Then go for it! And enjoy it! Youi'd be surprised how much noise you can make even with simple things like emptying the dishwasher. Even if you only throw pot lids underarm ... *diablo*

And make sure you insist he participate in family life and especially chores. If your DuH balks at that just tell him that you're trying to make sure he really feels like a member of your family - where's the harm in that? Doesn't he want his son to feel at home?

Great ideas

You are too funny! And I'll talk to him he HATES that!

My husband is afraid to

My husband is afraid to confront him because SS gets so angry

Then they can both leave.

There is absolutely NO WAY I would put up with this crap. No way I would have let a 25 year old, who quit his engineering job, move in with me, in the first place.

And, let me get this straight, he quit his job before even knowing if he was accepted into any schools? Sure.

You are going to have to put on your big girl panties, set your kindness aside for the sake of sanity, and deal with this, since your ball-less husband won't.

I would be beyond pissed if my husband was more concerned about upsetting his grown ass son, who is sponging off of me, than he was about me and my feelings and comfort.

Get this man (or men) out of your home.

Yes

Yes quit his wonderful job before getting into schools. Spoiled brat.

I am very upset my husband doesn't consider my feelings. Has always been his kids first. And I cannot kick them out, it's my husbands home. I signed a pre nup and don't make so much to live on my own with my kids in college.

So, he knows there is nothing

So, he knows there is nothing you can do about it, at least, at the moment.

How long have you been married? How did you support yourself before that? Can you get a second job or something?

I am not judging, I just hate to see women become so dependent on a man that they have to put up with less-than treatment.

I know that when you love somebody, and think that they love you, and you are committed and making a life together, it's easy to get comfortable. Then, crap like this happens.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this nightmare of a hoarder/loafer.

We’ve

Been married 7 years. I had a decent job but was laid off. Now I have an online shop. I work from home. Every month I make more and more money, so I am hoping one day I'll make enough to leave. But it's so sad we were doing great as a couple! As soon as his kids left, things got better. He's a decent stepdad to my kids. Makes me sad because I do live him.

Your kids are in college?

Your kids are in college? They can take out more loans and work to make sure their classes and living is paid for. Or, you all work and contribute to a home together. You can also look at moving in with a roommate to help keep costs down.

You have to decide whether living above your means is more important than your mental (and possibly physical) health. You have the option of taking a second job, too. Not ideal, but would get you out and preoccupy you while you figure out next steps.

If you stay so your kids get the "full college experience" at your own detriment, you teach your kids that they can either walk all over you OR that they should endure this kind of behavior by others because "Mom did it so it must be okay".