I’m leaving. Am I doing the right thing?
Following on from my last blog I decided that I couldn’t live with the uncertainty seven days a week of not knowing if his kids were going to be over.
I explained this to him and that although he didn’t want set days, I needed at least two days/nights when I would know, in advance, that they weren’t going to be there.
Backstory to this is that my (now ex) SO had his kids every weekend which I didn’t mind. I asked once whether he would mind picking them up later on a Saturday OCCASIONALLY (I work Mon-Fri) so we could have a Friday night/Saturday day to ourselves and he said ‘no, that he wanted as much time with his kids as possible’. OK, I left it.
He will also randomly collect them in the week to stay over.
He never gives me any idea about when they will be in the house or when they will be leaving. If I ask he would always say ‘I don’t know yet’. So often, the first I’d be aware of them coming over would be on his way out to collect them. The first time I’d be aware they were leaving is when they would start collecting their stuff.
I don’t mind the kids being over at all but I really struggled with the unpredictability of it all week on week but I put up with it.
I felt he crossed a line when I planned a night in for us. I spent all day in the kitchen cooking us a meal, bought us wine in and I was just about to jump in the shower when he tells me he is about to pick up one of his kids for an extra night. Obviously I was upset and he got angry with me initially for restricting the time with his kid! Then he tried to compromise by saying ‘we can eat now and I’ll pick him up in an hour’. The end result of this night was that he watched a movie with his kid downstairs and I spent the night in our bedroom.
After that I told him clearly that I wasn’t happy with being dropped and that I needed a couple of nights to know for sure, he wasn’t going to surprise me with a random visit. He agreed and we made up.
Fast forward two weeks and it’s not happened so I made the decision to leave him. We aren’t married and don’t have any kids together. We do own a house together though.
I’ve decided I’m sick of not knowing what his plans are until the last minute and being treated as though I have no right to ask when it comes to his kids.
He messages BM a lot too. His excuse is that he likes to know what’s going on. I found out last year that he’d lied about his kids party and actually went to the movies with BM and his kids. When I asked to see his phone on that occasion I saw daily communication between BM and my SO. Conversations were mainly about the kids but irrelevant messages (can you make sure the kids brush their teeth... for example). I noticed he’d sent photos of the kids from our trip away camping to her (during the time we were away). They would also discuss mutual friends and the tone of the messages were very friendly. I told him this couldn’t go on and he agreed and I let it go. Fast forward a year and he never discusses any communication with her and never shows me any of the messages. I was ok with that and respected his privacy. However, I saw recently that he had wished her happy birthday and made a joke about her age. I don’t know what else has been discussed during their messages, this was the only message I had the opportunity to see. They also buy each other presents from the kids on special occasions even though BM has a SO and I’ve told him I’d handle it. He told me he'd asked her to stop and that I'd sort out but I found out that was a lie too. He says he does this to keep her on side but it seems her feelings trump mine.
His response to me explaining why I had decided enough was enough was that if I’m willing to end a relationship so quickly then he agrees and happy to move on.
I’m obviously heartbroken but I think I may have been a bit of a doormat if I’m honest.
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Comments
Personally, I think you are
Personally, I think you are absolutely crazy ... for not leaving him AGES ago.
All he is interested in is his own personal gratification and he doesn't care who suffers for it. He wants to see his kids whenever he can and he doesn't even respect (respect is another of the above-mentioned cornerstones) you enough to keep you in the loop and let you know when and for how long. Does he get some kid of a perverse thrill out of that? Why does he lie (there you go - trust is yet another cornerstone) to you? Does he think it gives him some kind of power over you? He seems to communicate more and better with his ex...
I'm curious about somethings - how is your relationship with his kids? Do they talk to you? Ignore you? Confide in you? Why did he get divorced?
I think you've wasted enough time on this person. He has accused you of running away from this sham of a "marriage" - he will never own the fact that he has not made the slightest effort (quite the opposite, in fact, he sabotaged it) to actually try to build a marriage with you.
You deserve so, so, so much better. Rejoice in your newfound freedom, learn to be you again and, above all, keep busy for the next few weeks and block that bugger left, right and centre!
Your reply is exactly why I
His kids are ok with me. They are polite and sometimes I'll do stuff like baking with the younger one. I've never really had a clear reason why his marriage broke down. He said he hadn't loved her in a long time and only stayed for the kids. She actually kicked him out though but he said they both weren't happy.
Your reply is exactly why I have found so much help on this site. He has sabotaged the relationship completely and I think I've been telling myself a story about how much I actually meant to him. Actions speak louder than words.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to me. Reading your reply this morning when I feel so low has completely lifted my spirits
You are more than welcome.
You are more than welcome.
Now what are you going to do with your day?
A walk? A run? A ride? A swim? A movie? Coffee with a friend? A pampering session? Baking bread is actually quite good for the morale because you get to punch the dough about (lol) and the smell of it baking is very uplifting. It doesn't really matter what you do as long as you don't sit at home and dwell.
They weren't happy and she
They weren't happy and she kicked him out because he made executive decisions without ever consulting her and he never treated her like an actual partner. Guaranteed.
You did the right thing.
I respect that he wants to be a good dad but he has to be a good husband. It's not fair that you are out on the wayside. You deserve better.
Yes you are!
Here's to your new found freedom and happiness! Never accept less from others again!
Yes, you are absolutely doing
Yes, you are absolutely doing the right thing. He will never change, I don't believe that he thinks he is doing anything wrong. He may agree with you at times and says things will change, but that is only to pacify you. He thinks that you are over reacting and he has no considerations for your feelings, your relationship, or you, period.
Let him have his life with his kids and BM. YOU concentrate on yourself, healing and being okay being with you, and you will find someone who actually wants to make time for you. Someone who doesn't make you feel that you are just a side piece.
This guy does not respect you and has no business being
In a relationship!!
you co-own a home meaning any guests need your permission. Its not unreasonable to have me time too and although his kids are his family, they are not yours.
Couples where the kids are always first and the relationship put last never survive because one day you wake up and have grow so far apart because you refused to work on the relationship
You definitely did the right
You definitely did the right thing. He wanted to have his enmeshed life with BM and the kids as his first priority, and he treated you like a "side piece." He likely will move on quickly as others have said, and he may try to act like they are so happy and such a solid couple. He won't change though. You are so much better off.
He had no respect for you
BM must be controlling your home. That why all the last minute stuff.
I could not live like this. Just being the maid and babysitter
I would have left when I
I would have left when I realized relationship with BM was too friendly and overstepped that coparenting boundary. Coparenting means you make CHILD decisions together, or at least attempt. This does NOT include: going to the movies, buying gifts, wishing happy birthdays, and being at their beckon call for anything. You did the right thing!
This alone would have been
This alone would have been reason enough to leave: “He messages BM a lot too. His excuse is that he likes to know what’s going on. I found out last year that he’d lied about his kids party and actually went to the movies with BM and his kids.”
Sounds to me like both him and BM want to have their cake and eat it too. I like what someone said once about how anyone looking for a partner should really look for their male or female equivalent. So, you don’t have kids, for example, try to avoid those with kids. If you make a fair amount of money, look for someone the same, and so on.
It’s not to say that you cannot find happiness with opposites, so to speak, but just the fact that you lack experience or may not know what you are getting into adds additional issues to a relationship to navigate, and especially in step-situations, there is enough to navigate without one partner, the one without kids, for instance, having to continually second-guess if this is normal or not when dating someone with kids. Of course if someone wants to have their cake and eat it too, they’ll claim it is normal. It is not normal at all to put your current SO or wife in the position of feeling like sloppy seconds.