Haircuts and heavy stuff
How does everyone deal with the skids coming in with horrible haircuts? SD10 used to have long hair and it keeps getting shorter and shorter. Her mother is trying to convince her she's gay, and its just really sad shes trying to push a child into a direction that no 10 year old has any business in. My fiance told SD10 (as shes "coming out" to him) that he certainly loves her and will support any decision she makes as long as shes old enough to understand what it means. That was several months ago, and now she has admitted to us she doesnt really think she's gay. SD10 is trying to make her mother happy by being gay and is so brainwashed by BM. I know we cant really say anything about the terrible haircuts but Im not really sure how my fiance and I should be handling the other stuff. There's been moments she drops her guard and admits to me she likes boys or XYZ boy in her class she has a crush on. But other days shes a stone cold BM minion.
We just dont really know what to say to her when she makes comments about her hair or sexuality...
What do you mean
What do you mean, her mother wants her to be gay? How do you know this?
Is the haircut terrible because it was not done well, or is it a style that you don't think looks good on SD? A short cut is not necessarily a terrible cut. Does SD like it? The one thing about hair issues, it will grow out in time.
This is weird: why does BM
This is weird: why does BM want her to be gay? Is BM currently with a woman? Or does she just want attention for having a kid who is different?
This is emotional child abuse, but sadly, you can't prove it and CPS wouldn't take it anyway. I agree that all you can do is work with SD on building her own sense of self and not letting BM tell her who and what she is. Hope that works, it never did with my SS. He has just decided to take the path of least resistance by assuming BM's sense of her self for his own.
Is mom dating a woman?
Is mom dating a woman?
i have a friend who left her hubby for a while and dated a woman....during that time her oldest DD13-ish.....decided she was gay.... mom took hubby back about a year later and the DD claims now that she is not gay.
as for the haircut....just ignore it. BM often lets SD17 cut SD12s hair......I have to ignore their appearances.
What the.....?
What the.....?
BM cheated on my fiance
BM cheated on my fiance several times with guys and girls and when he left, she started having the neighbor girl in for sleepovers. The skids wpuld tell us that mommy lets XXX sleep in her bed and suddenly goes to parties dressed as a rainbow butterfly. We arent really sure what the heck is going on as she is extremely secretove, but people in town have asked fiance if she is gay looking at her Facebook, which he is blocked on.
We are of the opinion that it makes no difference to us who she us sleeping with, but she is constantly trying to share with the skids all her life details. We dated for a year before I even saw them and ut was even longer before I was sleeping over.
She wants SD to be gay because she thinks it will really bother my fiance. But it only bothers him because a child is saying it without understanding the meaning.
It is extremely complicated and I cabt even begon to describe all the terrible things BM has done. This girl is insane, on anti-psychotic meds among others, threatened to slit my goats throats when she found out we were dating. She truly is one of the most narcissistic crazy people Ive ever met. Everything she does is to try and hurt my fiance and she doesnt care if the kids are in the middle of it. I'll have to wrote more posts before ypu guys can truly understand the psychopath we are dealing with... Sorry for the long post!
I really think this poor
I really think this poor child needs counseling!
Be gay, whatever, but only if you are. I would have the same feelings if a parent was trying to push a child who isn't straight to be straight. All that matters is that no one is putting sexual labels on a 10 year old. My daughter at 10 was still playing with baby dolls, not thinking about sex.
Exactly. Just let them be
Exactly. Just let them be kids. But she has free reign of her new iPhone that isnt allowed to come to pur house, so she has access to all the internet. She was posting on YouTube and tik tok that she was gay as well. Shes too young to even be on those sites! And the couple times she did bring it over before, he screen time history said she was on the phone almost 40 hours that week, and she was in school that week.
I have conflicting opinions
I have conflicting opinions on how your DH should address this.
On one hand, if BM is pushing a harmful narrative that may escalate, then he needs to address that through CPS, his attorney, school, doctor - wherever the derangement is permeating. If this is TRULY a form of pathogenic parenting (and it could be), he needs to do some research on the topic and get a handle on it ASAP before SD ends up going through hormone therapy for something she doesn't want/need/believe.
On the other hand, it's possible that SD is bisexual and is trying to figure that out. I was 11ish when it hit me that I might also like girls, but I didn't have any language for describing it. I hadn't even really been introduced to the terms gay or lesbian by that point.
However, that didn't stop me from having crushes or sexual feelings towards people I found attractive. I grappled with it internally and knew enough to keep my mouth shut about it at the time. But, times have changed for the better, and it's possible that SD has some of the language or is trying to figure out if these budding feelings extend to others and what they mean. 10 year olds aren't too young to start having these internal questions and feelings. Too young to act on them, but not feel them.
I think the best bet is to be a safe space while also learning signs of distress and mental abuse that you can monitor for in SD. Also, develop a plan for how to address issues if it shows more readily that this is BM pushing SD into this role. There is always the possibility that SD is mimicking BM, which BM is likely to encourage. That is borderline a problem, but not one that your DH is going to be able to address easily.
It may also be worthwhile to reach out to a nearby LGBTQ+ youth group or PFLAG. Both organizations could likely answer some of your questions and give you some direction. Also, your DH speaking with a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ+ youth might help him better understand what to look for (and he may want to compare notes with a therapist who specializes in pathogenic parenting).
TIme for daddy to get this
TIme for daddy to get this kid with a counselor/therapist for an extended therapy regimine. Therapists are mandatory reporters if there is abuse or neglect of children involved and this has all of the earmarks of abuse.
There is a fine line to be walked in supporting questioning youth. The balance between being supportive/accepting and getting kids any professional help they may need.
In the situation you describe, I would get this kid with a discerning therapist who can identify between a kid who is truly questioning and one being abused by a manipulative parent with an agenda. It could be either situation, or both.
Good luck.
Haven't we all had bad
Haven't we all had bad haircuts at some point or other?! Maybe there is a way that she could style it to make it look a bit better? Or maybe you could buy her a cool hat or something? Obviously do it all subtely and if she loves her haircut there will not be anything you can do really.
As for the sexuality thing, just leave it be. She may change her mind again, she may not. Just be supportive, tell her that you want her to be happy and that you know that whoever she chooses to date when she is older will be lucky to have her as a girlfriend because she is awesome. It is normal to start having crushes and be thinking about relationships at that age. It doesn't mean that she is thinking about or wanting to have sex. I had crushes on a few boys at school at that age (and a big one on Tom Cruise!) My sd11 just came out to her dad as bisexual. It is not unusal for pre-teens to be thinking about these things and it does not mean that BM is forcing her to say that she is gay or that sd is thinking about sex.
These things did not happen when we were kids because being anything other than straight was still pretty taboo and it was just assumed that everyone was straight and if you weren't you probably did not feel confident enough to come out about it at that age or did not understand what it was because it was not discussed openly as much as it is today.
Ignore BM. You do not know what is going on at her house, just ignore her. Keep loving sd and keep accepting what she has to say with open minds and without trying to second guess what is really happening.
Unbelievable
The child sexuality choice should be there own. She a bit young to be making any sexuality choices at her age. When kids hit there teens yeah I understand because there hormones everything have kicked in. Why is bm pushing this gay thing? Seems like attention seeking on BM part.
But I be letting sd know that it okay to be either way. But she know more about all that when she gets older. Not to listen to bm because it not bm choice. The heart will want who it wants. No other person can tell you what your heart feels.
To you and others, why is she
To you and others, why is she too young to make choices and/or question her sexuality? It's not just about who you want to have sex with. It's about people you find attractive, people you have strong feelings for, people you want to interact with, etc. Why is it okay to assume that kids are straight and push that narrative at a young age (kids have crushes, and I've heard many parents jokingly gush over little Susie and Timmy being kindergarten boyfriend and girlfriend, or telling their daughters that a boy likes them when they pick on her), but when a kid questions whether that extends to just the opposite sex, now they're "too young" to question it?
Being straight or gay or bi or anything else runs far deeper than who you want to have sex with, and it's rough in a hetero-focused world to work through that and piece it together. All because kids are more vocal about it now than in the past doesn't mean it's a fad. We grappled with it when we were younger, but we just didn't say anything.
Many 10yos can't get through
Many 10yos can't get through the night without wetting the bed and need to sleep with their wubby to not be afraid of the dark. They have zero clue about their sexuality. The % that do have any inklings on their sexuality at 10yo is so small as to be statistically irrelevant.
My SS was infatuated with a beautiful little girl from 2nd grade through 7th grade. She truly was a stunningly beautiful little girl then young woman. My SS is gay. His epiphany on being gay did not come until he was in his late teens.
Parents need to raise their children. The children can navigate their sexual proclivities as they progress into adulthood.
Certainly some children come to clarity regarding their Homo/Hetero/Bi status earlier than others. Like all kids, those kids need stable, structured childhoods with involved parents who raise their kids within structures of societal norms. Be honest, do your best, never give up, etc, etc, etc..... Sexual orientation really is not anything that parents should be involved in. Parents have the duty to their kids to raise those kids in a manner that gives the kids a strong foundation for navigating life in common society successfully. Sexual orientation is the child's to navigate as they gain the experience and maturity to understand sexual orientation and how it applies to them. Parents certainly should be there for their kids as they navigate that process but parents have absolutely zero business choosing the sexual orientation of their children.
Keep in mind that any orientation other than Hetero is such a small % of the population that the established "norms" for raising children successfully work almost universally. ~98% of the population identify as Hetero. Those who are not Hetero represent a true statistical anomaly. There is nothing wrong with them. They just don't fit the "norm". They are someone's child, they should be loved, supported and accepted.
My SS-27 came out to his mom and I when he was 20. He was extremely nervous during that conversation. It ended up being anticlimactic. He is our son. He is truly a man of honor, integrity and of standing in his profession and community. We love him and are proud of him. That did not change when he came out. Our hopes for him and expectations of him did not change. We want him to have the opportunity to have what his mom and I have together and what his grandparents have when he finds his life partner. We want him to navigate that process as smoothly and with as little heart break as possible. But it is his journey to navigate.
Let the 10yo be a 10yo. Her sexual orientation will unfold over the next 5-10 years. She should never be forced down that path ever and absolutely not as a 10yo. This is her journey to experience. Let her be a kid. BM needs to STFU and let this little girl be a little girl. DH needs to smack the crap out of BM any time she pulls this "10yo is a lesbian" crap. Figuratively of course.
All IMHO.
I'm not disagreeing that BM
I'm not disagreeing that BM needs to STFU and let the girl figure it out for herself with support from her parents as she asks questions and tries to navigate this.
I'm talking specifically about how we, as a society, are okay with pushing sexual orientation on kids at a young age SO LONG AS that orientation is heterosexual. Parents joke that their kids will get married, or tease their kid when they have a crush on another kid. No, parents aren't pushing sex, but they are romaticizing child relationships.
Society shouldn't speak out of one side of its mouth and talk about how cute it is that Timmy and Susie make such a cute kindergarten couple but then expect a kid to silently navigate the types of relationships they want to have because we think they're too young to question it.
So which is it? Are they too young, or is it cute and wholesome? While those norms work for 19 of 20 kids, that one kid who starts questioning (and usually questions earlier than their actual epiphany of who they are) is going to hit a roadblock when they try to mimic what their peers do but with someone of the same gender, and then get told to silently figure it out when they're older even though they're thinking about it now.
The thing that hurt the most when OSS came out to DH and I was that he was nervous and worried to come out to us. He'd been "hiding" it since he was 11/12 and didn't speak to us about it. But he talked to people. He talked to his friends. He reached out through the internet. I'm glad he did, but that was a bit of a gut punch, as someone who is part of the community, to know that he *still* didn't feel comfortable to even say "hey, I'm struggling with this and am not sure which way it's going to pan out". I've HAD that struggle, and it's isolating. My good friend had that struggle, and he'll tell you the same thing.
You're right, parents shouldn't push sexual orientation on their kids, but that includes hetero ideas of proper relationships, too.
I would say that society does
I would say that society does not force orientation on anyone. Human nature is overwhelmingly hetero. Non hetero people make up 2% or less of the population. This has nothing to do with forcing and everything do to with mammalian biology. The species would not exist if heterosexuality were not the norm.
The totality of human history has established hetero centric gender roles and societal structures as the norm. Nothing is forced from a general societal/human perspective.
There are physiological and psychological differences between males and females that influence hetero centric societal norms.
I completely agree that non hetero people should not be shunned. However, neither should they get any more consideration than hetero kids as far as their orientation is concerned. No one has hetero pride parades, no one marches through life spouting how special being hetero is. People model what they know and what the entirety of human history has established as the norm. For 98%+/- sexual orientation isn't even a thought or consideration as far as their own status is concerned. There are many of us who it becomes a consideration for as people we love navigate a non hetero journey.
Society is formatted for the norm. It always has been and it it always will be. Outliers should be accommodated but you don't change what has been overwhelmingly successful for the entire history of human existence because little Johnny likes to wear frilly dresses rather than his cowboy outfit with six shooters on his hips or little Sally likes to bang on boards with a hammer in coveralls and tool belt instead of prancing around in mommy's high heals and a princess dress.
Nearly universally little boys like little boy things and little girls like little girl things. Little boys grow up to like the former little girls and little girls grow up to like the former little boys. An extremely small % are LGB and an even more miniscule % are T.
Everyone is Q, on any number of things at different phases of life. I am not sure why Q is even in the acronym. Q = Questioning right?
We went to the grocery store last night. As we were meandering through the store a couple passed us in the opposite direction. That couple was two beautiful young women holding hands while shopping. Obviously a couple. What struck me about them was not that they were a lesbian couple but was the scowl on their faces and the "go ahead and say something" glare in their eyes as they passed people. So I smiled and gave them a bright and happy "Good evening ladies!" The smirk got deeper and the glare more pointed.
Chips on shoulders does not make for positive social acceptance or positive human interface.
My kid is gay. He does not parade around spouting about being gay and scowlingly challenging people to accept him or daring them to say something about his being gay. Yes, he struggled. Yes, it broke our hearts that he did not feel that he could talk to us about it. It broke our hearts to hear of his struggles and that we could not hug him and be there for him on that specific part of his life. Though we were always there for him, so... we were there. We were just in the dark on his journey as a gay young man.
The fact is, the overwhelming majority of people really don't care. Hetero people do not celebrate being hetero. We just are what we are, we don't really care if people are hetero or not.
IMHO the confrontational perspectives of non hetero communities cause so much negative PR that they are counter productive. People just need to be who they are and live their lives without rubbing the nose of society into what amounts to a statistical anomaly.
I suppose my position is in line with my behavior based perspectives with a big chunk of loving my gay kid thrown in.
We told him that life can be hard and how he lives his life as a gay man could make it a whole lot harder. I told him that I wanted him to promise me that he would keep his head in the game, to always be aware of his surroundings and to stay safe because not everyone would be accepting of him being gay. He scoffed at me and said "Dad! You know me. I am not going to be parading around bare assed in leather chaps and wearing make-up." We all laughed our asses off .... together.
Strictly hair cuts...
We let BM handle haircuts. Yes, there has been one that SD hated. Up to her chin. We don't care how it looks as long as she is having good hygeine and likes it herself. Honestly, hygeine is the biggest thing. Her hair is somewhat curly, but she doesn't brush it or wash it properly (very rarely). Her hair is in knots and her scalp is in really poor shape. We stress the importance of taking care of your hair as opposed to how it looks.
I think there is plenty more to worry about than a haircut
If any of this is real I would think a call to CPS is in order. First what 10 year old is gay? They shouldn't even be having thoughts of sex or sexual orientation. Next if BM was having neighbor girls in for sleep overs in her bed that sounds criminal.
There is A LOT wrong here and this Childs dad, your SO needs to step in immediately and have this child removed from BM's care!!!
I have a friend whose
I have a friend whose daughter told him once that she had kissed a girl, and she had liked it a lot. He tried to answer calmly and have a neutral face. Ok, it was a piece of overwhelming news for him. After one week, he convinced her to go to a psychologist to find out more about her and answer why she did it. She accepted. He found out that she did it because she saw someone else doing it. But, the girls do not appeal to her. So, I mean SD 10 maybe is trying to imitate someone. It happens. Now, she likes horrible haircuts. After a while, you would see how she is doing charismatic braids. She may follow some tips on http://myhairbraiding.com/dutch-braid-vs-french-braid/ as the daughter of my friend is doing now.