Need to vent ! My Step situation
I got with my significant other in August of 2018 and became pregnant in November of 2018. He already had 2 children at this point with his ex wife, one little girl now 7 and little man now 3 , mom abandoned her kids was binged out on meth and in jail when we got together. He was very very adamant about getting me pregnant to begin with. Which I kinda liked because I hadn't experienced it before
now I see that was a major red flag .. but I guess I'm naive and believed that everything was in the name of love. Now fast forward and I see he was probably just desperate for help with his kids and thought hmmm if she has my kid she's stuck playing mom role. Anyways I instantly got along with the kids , I felt love and joy and belonging and happy to be apart of a family . Also I felt so bad for them that their mother had just left . I felt like a fierce protector of children. I felt like I was nurturing the humanitarian inside of me. Looking back now I see it was only the puppy love phase that brought on positive emotions. I didn't have my own children at this time .. I had NO IDEA what it meant to be a mother.
So I end up finding out I'm pregnant December 9th 2018 . His little girl was super excited for a baby sis the kids Bonded to me instantly and everything seemed so great.
they didn't respect me as a parent yet at that point so it was just fun .. low responsibility felt like I was a fun aunt or something.
Come January their mom gets out of jail and starts taking the kids on the weekends and going from full time to having that help .. omg it was so amazing. She was diligent with picking them up , didn't trash talk me , and everything seemed to be going well. Keep in mind my lover told me that he served her divorce papers while she was in jail and there was no way she could deny them.
we kept this weekend routine up so well I was so very proud of us being responsible adults for the sake of the children.
My daughter is born August 2019 ,
I love and appreciate the bond she has with her bro and sis , she loves them and they love her . They are forever siblings . And actually there's so many things I love and appreciate about my skids. I always say the best toy I can reccomend for an infant is a 7 yr old and 3yr old sibling ;)
So we made it ! We successfully nailed step parenting . We had it all together , everyone's happy ! We even managed to swing holidays fairly without fighting and would even do things all together . Halloween , even Christmas Eve I allowed her to stay over to wake up early with the kids on Christmas. Did I enjoy it ? Fuck no wtf I hated being around her , but I smiled and enjoyed myself for the children because lemme tell you guys IT WAS PERFECT The kids were so happy seeing everyone together. They were SO happy being able to see their mommy every weekend and knowing that she was back and not leaving them again ...
Well a few days after Christmas their mom started showing signs of drug use again and went off the deep end, revealing everything to me. I found out that meth head mom and my SO had been sleeping together since she got out of jail , and he had never actually divorced her . They slept together all over in OUR home on Christmas Day and many many other times before then.
and listen when I tell you he gave me NO reason to believe this was happening behind my back he assured me over and over that it was indeed over and everything was for the kids.
Once I found this out within 2 hours I took my baby girl and moved back in with my mom and dad
I was devastated at the reality of single parenting , devastated that everything I worked so hard for never existed . The basis on which I built my family was fraudulent !
I was terrified
terrrfird of a custody battle
terrified of his ex wife who's a convicted felon being around my baby girl .
Just such a deep betrayal I literally cannot even explain the trauma this has caused me. Anyways he begged and begged for me to come back Then low and behold TWO days after I left he FINALLY started the divorce / custody processs The beginning of 2020 he legallay divorced her and was granted full primary custody of the kids.
I went back a month after leaving in February , fell pregnant again in March Before even having a chance to process this trauma . I just wanted my loving delusional life back. Now Everything is different. I resent the kids so much I hate being around them Im so annoyed all the time I hide away in my room as often as I can. Their mother is back on drugs back in jail hasn't seen them since Christmas Day 2019. They call me mom, the laundry .. the dishes the messes the constant coming in our room at night trying to sleep in bed with us and I literally cringe when they try to be affectionate with me . I feel jealous of the bond they have it's almost like my daughter and I feel oddly left out. I don't love them , it's nothing like the love and patience you have for your biological children . I have no passion for them at all . It's like their father betrayed me and now I'm just so detached from the whole thing. I care aboht my daughter and my son and I tried my best to be the most amazing step mother I tried my best to change the narrative and prove that stepmothers aren't evil ! But the feelings I have towards these children are indeed becoming evil. I want them out of my life I don't want this huge responsibility any longer. I see her face when I look at them . I was lied to and manipulated into this position but I take responsibility for my choices . I need help
what should I do
What would you do ?!
What does it sound like happened here ?
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Misdirection- wow!
the kids have done nothing to you. If you want to be mad and disgusted at someone - look no further then all of the adults in this situation.
Yes I know I don't treat them
Yes I know I don't treat them as if they have done something to me. They have no idea what I'm feeling deep down I treat them with love and I'm hiding away all my horrific feelings towards them hoping it's something I can heal from and move forward
It's not right, but i do
It's not right, but i do understand the resentment you feel toward the kids. They were used as the justification to keep BM close enough for your SO to cheat with her. They will be the reason you and your SO can't cut her out of your lives completely. The reason your SO has to talk to her, text her, and go to her house or have her come to your house anywhere from weekly to 10 times daily depending on how dysfunctional and drama-adddicted they are (and they sound pretty bad.)
I get it. "But it's for the kids, and kids come first!" "She's the mother of my KIDS!" "You have to put your feelings aside and focus on what's most important, the KIDS!" If he's a crappy parent and the kids run the house, and he doesn't back you or undermines you - "But they're just KIDS! Be the adult!"
It makes you want to say, well, "Fk the kids then!" and have nothing to do with them. It's understandable. It really isn't their fault, though. Idk if it's some kind of psychological transferrence or what, but the blame does lie with your SO.
I also do get that it is hard to be a single parent so you don't want to face the fact that he is entirely the bad guy here. I would advise maybe trying therapy to see if you can get past these feelings toward the kids and also trust him again. If either of those is a no, leaving is likely the best option. If you do leave, reading these boards may help you set boundaries with him as your ex and see what mistakes a lot of bioparents make in new relationships, so you have a chance at starting over with a quality relationship. And take it slower next time. It takes time for the newness to wear off amd allow you to see people for who they are.
Welcome to the site!
I find it hard to understand why you would get pregnant a second time after going back to a man who betrayed you with his ex. Why bring another child into this chaos? What would I do? I would never have gone back to him in the first place. The previous poster is right, your anger should be focused on the right person, ie your partner - it is not the kids' fault, nor even the BM - she had no obligation to you. Your partner did and he betrayed you - he is the one who deserves your anger.
Trauma
Sounds insane prob more so than it actually is.. In my eyes I I was giving our family life a second shot . I chose to forgive him before healing myself . Getting pregnant was an accident but he is a great father and provides a great living for us. The anger is definitely geared towards him 100% the kids are a product of him So it's just difficult . I am not mean to them at all ever they love and adore me. these feelings are soooo internal and I know how sensitive kids are so I do my best to smile and act sick or tired most the time but what I'm really dealing with .. the resentment the hatred it's just overwhelming going to see a counselor this morning because all of this is a result of my own choices !
I’m struggling to see how you could even be intimate with him
and get pregnant within a month or 2? Why you would get actively be trying to get pregnant to a man you just met? People even see marrying within 18months as too quick at times...
he had sex with the bio mum for the kids? Umm ok??
it was a mistake to even remain in this relationship.
once a cheater always a cheater!!
Felt like a normal response
Felt like a normal response after someone cheats to revert back . I wanted my family back I wanted my daughter to be with her dad .. I wanted to give it a shot again
all before allowing myself time to heal and realize what happened . This is a series of bad choices on my end , I see that. I do have the capacity to forgive and move forward but all of these feelings seemed to arise spontaneously and they are intense .. seeing a counselor in the morning . Also forgot to mention I've actually known him for 14 years ,him I and baby mom all went to the same highschool , him and I actually dated our freshman year
She is not "baby mom".
She is not "baby mom". Honestly, I know this probably will sting... but she was WIFE. YOU were/are baby mom.
He lied to about MANY things... including his divorcing his wife. He got you pregnant to trap you, twice. Twice. And you want to stay with him so you can be a SAHM? Seriously, have some self respect.
Do remember you are modeling relationships for your children and they will learn from you what are acceptable ways to be treated and to treat others. Do you want your children to grow up and be treated like you are? Do you want them to treat people how your boyfriend treats you?
Dig deep and really think.
Get on birth control, then get out
This man is a user of people - especially you.
He is a disgusting pig with zero respect for you.
In addition to birthcontrol (get something like an IUD or implants that can't fail easily) and leaving his a$$, get some counseling.
Your ability to identify and pick loving life partners seems very broken.
He definitely used me right?
He definitely used me right? Do you think he loves me at all ? Do you think he's going to cheat again ? I just don't even know what I'm dealing with anymore . I don't know what he's capable of .. hes since put a ring on my finger and is vowing himself to me and only me but I just cannot see past this mistake right now
Yes, he used you.
Yes, he used you. It doesn't matter that you knew him for 14 years, he used you. Because he has known you for so long, he knows your vulnerabilities. He insisted you get pregnant, knowing that would keep you around and caring for his children. He lied to you about getting a divorce, because he knew you wouldn't get involved unless he was divorced. He will cheat again.
OP, I think you made a series
OP, I think you made a series of mistakes here (getting pregnant by a married man 3 months after you met, going back after he cheated on you in such a horrible way, then getting pregnant again), and it's time to cut your losses and move on.
Move out and set up a custody schedule so he can have time with the kids, too.
I say this in a caring way - therapy might really help you figure out why you put yourself in this situation so you can choose more wisely next time.
Forgot to mention I actually
Forgot to mention I actually have known him for 15 years and we previously dated in highschool
Knowing someone a long time
Knowing someone a long time gives you a false sense of security and you will more easily accept the red flags that may be present.
I would really really advise you to get on reliable birth control, and get thee to a counselor and start your healing process.
Your hatred of the children is likely a protective thing because if you hate the rightful person it will deprive you of the comfy life you see yourself building with this person.
He cheated all over your house. With BM.
Take a look at a cheater website called Chumplady (www.chumpldayd.com). "leave a cheater gain a life" is the mantra. It will help you gain the strength to leave this situation. Do you want your children growing up in an unhappy dysfunctional home? Modeling the behavior they see?
The skids and your children deserve better.
Im sorry you are going through this. The only other alternative is to become a "stepford wife"...pretending your way through...
But you are 100 percent
But you are 100 percent correct thanks for responding
This is a mess.
This is a mess.
Honeslty I STRONGLY suggest finding a GOOD therapist. You're projecting your negative feelings for your DH onto the skids... Which it totally normal. But some therapy may help you process everything so YOU can move forward for YOU. Don't worry about parenting them, taking care of them, etc, this is a time for you to figure out how to heal.
i don't know if the relationship is right for you, honestly I didn't last and I didn't have nearly half that shit... I had no kids with him, which I know is affecting your decision-making. But just make sure you think things through and make a decision for YOU, not becuase you pity the kids, not becuase you don't want your kids to be from a "broken home."
I couldn't survive, and frankly I commend you on being as level-headed as you are in this chaos.
This guy played you, knocked
This guy played you, knocked you up to trap you, cheated on you IN YOUR OWN HOME ... where are your standards, girl? What made you think he'd be a better father to your child than he is to his own?
He needed a woman to be a bedwarmer and Instamommy, so he went out and found a vulnerable victim - you. He's using you, but you're also using him to avoid being independent and self-supporting. That's not a very stable foundation on which to build a relationship. Now, there are two more kids in the mix. Poor things.
You need to make friends with reality, and strive to do better for your kids because this relationship is not going to last. You've chosen a man of poor character as the father of your children, and they are going to suffer for it. The onus is on you to be the best possible mother you can be, so get in therapy and start improving your skill set so you can make a good living. Being a housewife is a luxury you can't afford.
I feel I left out some
I feel I left out some important details . While venting you sort of stick to the issues and not the things that you're grateful for. Him and I had a past before he had kids, I've known him for 14+ yrs. he's not some random man off the street .When everything came out that he had been hiding he instantly sought out therapy, stopped smoking weed , stopped with the beer , and we concluded after few therapy's sessions he's dealing with dissociation issues deeply rooted from childhood . hes working on himself. He's a great father I cannot take that from him . He works hard as hell for his family.
He's a talented artist going on 10 years with an amazing self started business we work from home together hand painting custom large scale fine art canvas and also graphic design . It's a dream life worth fighting for. My daughter is exposed to so much hard work and creativity , I am not just some stupid girl lost in a delusion as my post may have made it seem.
Instamommy and vulnerable victim ... yes in ways I will need to accept that as the reality of the foundation of my relationship and take the steps to change that .. I have the tendency in life to sort of .. chase lost puppies if you will .
I was born with rose colored glasses , I'm working on it.
Also in your mid twenties with no children you have different views on life .. I wasn't aware about what parenthood truly meant . also living a somewhat sheltered life I was naive ! I didn't know that people could be this way . I was unaware that this type of manipulation exists .
I figured I would dedicate myself to my new family and in turn I would be respected and appreciated that's how it works right ?!!I believed he was divorced because why on earth would someone lie about that ?!
how could someone lie about that ?! this is a major slap in the face and detrimental life lesson I am in the midst of .
It doesn't feel like I'm avoiding being independent I miss my independence if anything . I'm learning and I have my lessons to teach my own kids
I am taking this SO seriously I want to be the Best I can possibly be for everyone involved
and that means owning up to all this resentment and hatred left in my heart right now and how to manage it
my first counseling appointment is in 3 hours .
this blog has already helped me SO much
thank you for responding and giving me a space to talk
Leave
The answer to your problems starts with leaving. You can figure everything else from there. Even as an internet stranger, I don't need to know any more about your situation to tell you this with confidence. There is no way you're going to have a happy life with this guy or get past the resentment that you already feel toward him after what he did to you, and staying with him is just prolonging a horrible situation.
I don't know all the details about your life and situation, but I have no doubt leaving is going to be very hard with two young children, but you can do it and you have to do it to get your life back on track. I highly recommend not seeing him or any other man for a good long time while you get your life together. A new relationship (or continuing in this existing disfunctional relationship) is going to cloud your judgment and get in the way of the hard things you need to do.
This is a time where you need to be a strong woman and do hard things.
Good luck.
First check out some links on
First check out some links on reproductive abuse. Then call your local crisis center for resourses and counseling.
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/know-reproductive-coercion/
You're just as nasty as his
You're just as nasty as his wife. You both don't care about where his dick has been as long as you're both getting it.
Oh well enjoy looking over your shoulder the rest of your life.
All for the sake so you don't have to support yourself.