Desperate or just plain dumb?
I've been reading so many posts about everyone and their issues with step kids and partners. These men are just unbelievable when it comes to their children. All common sense seems to just fly out the window. Are they so desperate for their children's approval and love that they are willing to go through hell to appease them? Or am I expecting too much and they are actually dumber than a box of rocks and think they are doing the best for their kids?
My husband, for example, is desperate yes, but now I am thinking he might be just plain stupid. BM has been alienating SD for her entire life and finally paid off for her. SD cut him off and left my husband heartbroken. Now suddenly BM is trying to help him and SD "repair" their relationship. He seriously believes that she now cares! Does he not remember the years before? The horrible months leading up to SD's exit?
Dh is texting BM about how SD is and what he should do. BM just keeps saying give it time okay it's been almost 6 months, how much more time? BM gave him a birthday list for SD and told him to stay away and just drop off the gifts. She said after SD's birthday she will try to get her to come visit. Well that's funny because just before SD went no contact BM was constantly texting and telling her and DH how she never has to visit again and can do whatever she wants because she is close enough to her birthday and she can finally be with her one real family.
My husband sent a birthday message to SD and then to BM to make sure SD saw them...no response. Now he is on some wild goose chase trying to drop off the gifts for SD because BM keeps changing the meet up day and time for over a week now. How does he even believe or trust anything this lady says? I'm really starting to believe that he is just stupid and gullible. What is wrong with these guys!!!
They are terrified of losing
They are terrified of losing their kids, and instead of dealing with that fear in a healthy manner, they chase the kids, trying to buy their love, and accepting terrible treatment.
The solution is for them to step back, tell the kid they love them very much and the door is always open, then stop responding to BM, stop chasing, and focus on healing that fear and trauma that they've been through. But that provokes that anxiety of losing them, so instead, they chase and allow BM to be the puppetmaster, in the desperate hope that they will get time with their child.
Honestly, all you can do is disengage and let him know he should handle it however he pleases, but you will not be jumping through the hoops with him, and you won't be funding it, either.
I'm pretty disengaged for the
I'm pretty disengaged for the most part, right now I am just watching it all unfold in disbelief. He sometimes asks for my opinion but I just say you don't want my opinion because it's not going to make you feel good. I'm just wondering what's next? I've started making a lot of changes around the house because I am ready to move forward with life. Hopefully he'll wake up one day.
I'm thankful that my DH was
I'm thankful that my DH was not the type to ever grovel, beg for his son's love, try to buy him, or engage with BM and let her pull his strings. We were able to let go as best we could, move on and thrive.
DH used to play the desperate
DH used to play the desperate role of doing what SSs want (one SS in particular), because he was terrified of losing him entirely. About a year ago, he told this SS (as part of a counseling session) that while he wanted to see him, he was not going to fight and force him to come to our house and he was not going to chase him. Also, the best thing DH ever did, was to remove BM from his conversations with his children. She is no longer the gatekeeper. If she says they are upset about something, he doesn't discuss with her, he goes to them directly and tells them that it's okay for them to be upset, but he is always there to discuss with them. He also doesn't negotiate with her anymore over time changes.
But I agree with the posts above, when divorced fathers are the NCP and have a HCBM who uses the children as bargaining chips, there is a lot of fear about losing their children. I also think that divorced NCP dads don't always process through their own grief and loss. This is compounded by the fact that HCBMs often spent years abusing these dads and telling them how terrible they are. My DH told me he was "totally messed up" after his divorce, even though he was miserable with BM, and it took him a while to "get out of the fog" that he had been living in under BM. He'll tell me that he didn't even realize that what BM was doing or what he was doing in response was not normal and was dysfunctional until I pointed it out. I'm not sure I believe that is 100% true, but maybe he could not longer ignore it once I started pointing out that he didn't have to say "how high?" every time BM said "jump!"
Did your SS eventually come
Did your SS eventually come around? If so, how long was it that he stayed away? That's a sad situation to be in. As for contact, how did your DH go about it? Did he do it when they reached a certain age? Did BM still interfere?
My husband was a teen dad never married to BM and they actually had a very one sided but decent, civil relationship for awhile. They were only together for 1.5 years and split before SD turned one. BM got upset that we started dating and she rushed and married a military guy after 6 weeks of dating that's when everything went to hell. From then on she made life awful. As for communication, BM and her husband intercept all communications between DH and SD. So SD told DH not to contact her very often and she will only speak in person to him. If she does communicate with him via text it's mostly using emojis. DH doesn't really negotiate visitation with BM sometimes he will directly ask SD but SD directs him to BM or her stepdad. My DH is only communicating with BM now because SD won't talk to him at all.
SS never truly went away in
SS never truly went away in my situation. BM insisted that DH reduce his time (from EO Friday evening to Sunday evening to EO Saturday morning to Sunday evening). She also insisted the DH go to counseling with this SS. It sort of backfired on her, because, despite BM's expectations, the counselor did not tell DH or SS that DH was a terrible father. Rather, she told SS that he was lucky to have a father that clearly loved him and cared so much about him. I think sitting through the counseling sessions helped SS as well (they both cried together and DH told him how much he loved him, boys don't often get that from their dads). SS has also been more honest with DH about how he feels conflicted, because he feels as though BM is expecting him to be upset or angry with DH. I'm not sure he even always realizes how much he is revealing. DH reminds SS that he can always talk to him about anything. I think that is actually a comfort to SS, because BM is so "chaotic" (as my counselor calls it). So, in many ways, we got lucky. I think we also got lucky because this SS likes to spend time with DH and likes to do many of the same things as DH, so he wants to see DH. We'll see if we are still able to keep that going or if the older teen years and further chaos with BM will push this SS away, but I think DH has made it clear that he will always love this SS and will always take him back, so maybe that will at least give DH some comfort that he's done what he can.
It sounds like he is letting
It sounds like he is letting BM use SD to control him. I would not be ok with watching him jump through her hoops.
Desperate, dumb, gullible and GUILTY
They don't call it Guilty Dad Syndrome for nothing. Whether that guilt is misplaced or real is up for debate. BM spent years alienating SD while also generously giving DH the opportunity to be "involved" by letting him financially contribute to extras. After all, if daddy doesn't want to pay then daddy doesn't care right?
And on the topic of birthdays! Right now DH is trying to get a hold of SD so he can drop off her 21st gift before her birthday. He asked me for my opinion and I bluntly told him anything going to SD these days is a waste. Frankly it's ridiculous to have to chase someone down to hand them a gift!
It's definitely a very sick
It's definitely a very sick situation to have to watch. Very disturbing. I don't think these men have any self-love. No way a person who loves himself or herself would allow another person to treat them like that. It's like they have no standards whatsoever. I love my adult kids, but there is no way in hell I would ever let them use or abuse me. I think most of us on this board feel that way. Therefore, I am starting to realize more and more that this sick dynamic really does start with these fathers.