Done..
Its been awhile since i posted anything. I guess because for a few months my ss was not living with us. He had been kicked out of our place for being verbally abusive and an out of control alcoholic. My ss is 19 now and has now moved back in with us. For about 6 months he lived with his grandfathers side of the family untill he pushed them to their limits. He was previously kicked out of his grandmothers house for pulling the same thing. My partner (his mother) and I both agreed if he came back here to live with us their would be zero tolerance for alcohol and that co-habitting with us would require for him to do his part in cleaning up. He's never had a job in his life nor the desire to look for one. He also has no plans to go back to school to which funny enough his enabling grandparents had the brilliant idea of buying him a laptop for his birthday so that he could do online classes. Lets be real its been 4 month since he got that laptop has only used it for watching youtube. So here we are he's 2 months in with us and hes back to drinking and doing a whole lot of f@#$ all nothing. There is nothing i can do or say to my partner anymore. I have done my best to be there for her and support her through all this but my patience has run out. Its been 4yrs of this and nothing has changed. The Enabling continues with her and her parents. Everyone buying him his weed, his grandpa buying him not 1 but 4 packs of ciggarettes, grandma giving him $25 bucks every friday for seeing a counsellor? They all say they dont provide him money but they do, money and more! If were him I would not bother with work either. Why earn my own money to buy these things for myself when its all just being handed to me? Im really going to resent her and her son if I dont move out. I dont want to break up with my partner but i feel moving out is the best solution. We contstantly argue about how she deals with him and his behaviour. We make rules but their are always exceptions. To her, 2 nights of drinking is better than 5. Its a toxic environment and i am turning into a person i dont like. Every weekend he drinks and gets s@#$ faced. My partner complains, but shes too afraid for him because he has no idea how to take care of himself. Last night he went to hang with his "friends" at a park. His "friends" are old homless adults who influence his drinking by the way. He has no friends his age just his gf who enables him as well. Anyway, my partner says she fed up and that hes old enough to figure out how to get home. He wasnt suppose to drink last night cause its sunday, both her and I work. Of course he wasnt gonna abide by that. Hes 19 he does whatever he wants. She gets a call from him asking for a ride. We are both already in bed sleeping and she explained that to him. But once again, she goes running out that door to go pick him up. Is that crazy? She constantly complains but yet she still does this kinda s@#$ for him? Its been like this and it will be like this for a long time. I just cant live like this anymore. My home is not a place i can de-stress and relax. Its the complete opposite and I am over it.
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Comments
Yes, she's an enabler - she's
Yes, she's an enabler - she's addicted to him, like he's addicted to alcohol. That's a toxic environment to live in. Save yourself.
Leave it's the only way you
Leave it's the only way you can stop being dragged into this toxic mess. She's either going to help enable him into the grave, or her own grave. I feel bad for her, but she needs some tough love to understand that she is not helping her son at all. Best of luck to you.
Thank you
Thank you. Blogging here really keeps me in check (i guess alot of us on on check) Sometimes it feels like im goin crazy but this forum keeps me sane.
You are not crazy. Your
You are not crazy. Your partner is not fulfilling her part of your arrangement. She is letting you down.
There is a difference between parenting a minor child that needs you- as a parent it is your job to help them- and being the parent of an adult addict and general failure to launch.
She is failing him, she is failing you. It is time to either kick them both out or for you to leave depending on who owns the house.
It doesnt get any better
Over time, with this pattern they both have developed (probably long before you showed up), it will only get worse over time. Your partner is not placing your relationship at a priority - enabling her toxic spawn is her priority.
SDnow21 - she was like that. At 18, she "decided" to ghost us and leave without any contact, or discussion. Then 1.5 years later we hear from Toxic Troll that Feral Forger is moving in with her. Great, at least we know where she is. They continually bicker and fight, and sometimes it comes to blows. Feral Forger knows exactly her buttons to push for guilt, etc.
Well Feral Forger started drinking and doing drugs 19-20, and no job, just hanging with friends. She turned 21 last April and more party party. Toxic Troll gives no consequences and has paid the price when Feral Forger stole checks and cashed them against various bank accounts.
Not saying this will happen with SS19. But saying the enabling gets worse over time. Feral Forger SD21 STILL has no drivers license, no college classes and no JOB. Shes been traveling and exposing herself all over the place during lockdowns (virus? what virus? Im young and want to have FUN!)
Get out now. While you can, before you get stuck more than you are...
Frustrating
Oh geez ya sounds very toxic. I would never mak my spouse choose all i know is she will do anything and everything for him. I moved into her place so even more so I just feel like i dont have a say on what goes. And fair enough im not his parent it isnt my place on how her and her family want to deal with him. All i know is im not down with how they handle it. Zero consequence for anything.
Choosing
Its not really about choosing its about parenting.
She is failing him by refusing to give rules with consequences. And its up to you to choose to stay or leave. Consequences for her (in) actions as a parent. This will not get better.
Then again
What type of marriage do you have. If your DW keeps on telling you untrue stories. His promise for " zero tolerance for alcohol and that co habitting with us would require for him to do his part in cleaning up". Is out the window and your DW is taking his side.
You moving into her home , is your first problem. Your wife haveing no respect for you is another problem. This kid is never going to get better with your DW doing everything for him. He will get a GF who will move in with you.
Followed by a baby
Because let's face it - the type of person who is this overall irresponsible is not going to suddenly become responsible enough to use birth control.
OP - your only hope for a happy life is moving out.
OP, my mother enabled my two
OP, my mother enabled my two addict siblings until the day she died. It cost her a closer relationship with me, and she still did not change her behavior.
Save yourself.
Terrible
Im sorry to hear that. Thats really tough I'm sure it cost you ur relationship with your siblings as well. Id feel that way anyway.
No kids with her?
I couldn't tell if you have bio kids with her. If so, that would be another wrinkle. But if no bio kids, I agree with everyone else, get out and save yourself from the coming grief.
You can't fix the alcoholic,
You can't fix the alcoholic, and you can't fix his enabler. Has she sought help for herself from a counselor specializing in addiction? Or attended Al-Anon meetings? Anything? Surely she knows about these avenues for help and support for herself. If she won't even do that much, then her addiction to enabling her son is just as bad as his addiction to alcohol.
You can only take care of yourself. If SHE suffers no consequences for not taking care of her relationship with you, then maybe you're enabling the enabler. Time to get out of there.
Flashing back
I was reading thru your blogs and saw the term, "Loving them to death" in reference to enabling patents. It made me remember my ex-mother-in-law. She was a sweet person who had 4 kids she loved and an alcoholic husband. I think she was physically incapable of saying the word "no". Of her 4 kids, #1, my ex, died of cirrhosis after damaging his health and losing his family due to drugs. #2 was healthy. #3, a daughter, died at about 40 - drugs and alcohol, leaving 2 sons. #4, an artistically talented son, died at about 35, drugs. I loved her for being a sweet, giving person but she enabled each and every one of them, kept them from suffering consequences, had them living with her as adults and "loved them to death".
Def goin down that path
Im afraid he will be going down that path if they do not let him fail or be accountable.