I can sympathize with the father for HIS daughter calling you Dad. However, it doesn't seem he is an active father, so I'm not sure he has the right to tell his daughter what to call you. If that was my daughter, I'd be happy that my daughter has a step who cares about her and is nice to her. He sounds like he's just jealous and hurt. Also, you've been involved in her life since she was under 3, makes sense she looks at you as a father figure.

I totally understand where you are coming from, been there! But the above poster is right. 

When I met SD, she was also 5. BM was not involved AT ALL. She lived in another state and DH had custody. SD loved me dearly and wanted to call me "mom" because she said "you take care of me." Needless to say BM magically resurfaced and did the same to SD. Made her promise to never call me that. At the time I was hurt. I was basically raising her while BM was absent. And it seemed to me that BM's sole purpose in life was to make our family miserable and drive a wedge between us. 

Looking back, I realized I shouldn't have tried to fill that role, but rather support my DH and HIS parenting decisions. Sucks to say, but you really don't get a voice.  At the time, I felt obligated to have a say since I took on SO MUCH of the workload as a parent. Honestly more than EITHER of her bios. Big mistake. 

Realize you are there to support your wife and HER parental decisions. Maybe one day you'll have your own bios and can focus more on them. As a step you really have no say or doing in how they turn out as adults. It can be frustrating at the beginning, but now, I can honestly say is FREEING. Best of luck. 

Her bio dad is her dad.  You are not her dad. You can parent her and love her but you are not her dad.  I feel like you should accept being called your name or whatever if her dad objects.  A lot of moms would go crazy if their kid called another woman mom.  Don't make a big deal and allow your skid to call you your name - it will be easier on her.

I applaud your stepping up. It seems like no matter what stepparents do, they can't win. Maybe let this one go and come up with another name for her to call you "Daddy (your name) or Papa (your name)", maybe? That takes away his power to "win" on this one issue, as a lot of people will likely take his side and he may use it as justification to be a pain in other areas. Sticking to this issue takes away from all the other things you do. 

Who moved 6 hours away? Her father already has to deal with the fact that his daughter spends far more time with you than she does him. He feels her slipping away and it sounds like he tries to be more involved with her than her mother (and you) "allow" him. Gross. You aren't her dad. You should have never encouraged her to call you dad when hers is active in her life. Dad's aren't interchangeable and replaceable just because husbands and wives are.

What does the custody order say in terms of visitation? Why does he live so far away?

Besides that, not wanting to meet you nor have his wife meet his ex may not be spite, just not wanting to be buddies. Because there's no reason to be. Also, living so far away makes it hard for him to attend "school things". If the distance is hard on your SD for such a short length of time, maybe the CO needs to be adapted to better cater to the current situation? It was possibly drawn up and made official before the person who moved away, moved away. 

So many unknown factors here ...

I met my DW when my SS-28 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.  I couldn't care less about the SpermIdiot.  He is a POS waste of skin.  Yes, he created my SS with my DW but he is and never has been my son's father. Regardless of what he or the nasty SpermGrandHag thought or felt.

My DW has never met any of the Spermidiots parade of breeding partners or random GFs and has never cared to. She/we dealt with SpermClan behavior and could not have cared less beyond that.

Now for who is the dad. You are.  You raise this child as your own while she is in your home. You are her father, her dad.  That her biodad is being a toxic manipulative dipshit does not change that though it does clearly demonstrate whe her REAL dad is.  That would be you.

Your daughter chose to call you dad, my SS did the same with me. In fact I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy).  That sent the SpermGrandHag into appoplexy and she nearly stroked out over that any number of times over the years.  As her idiot son continually showed how much of a POS he is she got more wrapped around the axle over my son calling me dad.

When SS would come home upset and confused over the manipulations of the SpermClan during visitation we would discuss what a StepDad is, a BioDad is, and what a REAL dad is.

We made no secret that his BioDad is the dad who made him with his mom, his StepDad is the dad that is married to his mom and that a REAL dad is a dad who works hard every day to provide a safe home for him to live in, provides safe vehicles for him to ride in, provides good schools, a safe neighborhood, teaches him to tie his shoes, to ride his bike, to read, to write, to use the toilet, coaches his sports teams, attends his parent teacher conferences, all of of his school events, reads him bed time stories, tucks him in at night and loves he and his mom very much.

His mom nor I ever told him to call me dad. He made that choice when he was a toddler.  When his SpermGrandHag told him he could not call me dad because I was not his dad we discussed it.  What he calls me is up to no one but he and I.  I gave him a choice. He could call me dad as he always had or he could call me Mr. (LastName).    He decided to stick with dad.

Over time as he grew up I remained Dad(dy) and the Spermidiot became Dad(dy) FirstName.   In blended families the name, position and title of Dad is earned each and every day.  BioDads are granted the title at the birth of a child. A StepDad has to earn Dad every single day. So what a spermdonor has to say about it means absolutely nothing to me.  If BioDad earns it great.  I for damned sure have earned it and will continue to earn it.

My SS-28 calls me dad, he refers to the Spermidiot as "Gangster Dad".  Whe he and his coworkers are sharing family stories he will occassionally tell a "Dad" story that does not fit with his coworker's understanding of me and the Spermidiot.  They will jump on him with a "That can't be your dad who did that. That has to be GangsterDad."

My SS-28 asked me to adopt hi when he was 22.  We made that happen. He wears our family name on his uniform. He and his mom have made our name just that much better.

So, you and DW need to quit worrying about meeting BioDad and his DW, you need to quit tolerating the toxid SpermDonor manipulating your daughter and give her clarity on what a BioDad is, what a StepDad is and what a REAL dad is.  In your home and your family you are Dad. Your SD gave you that title because you are earning it... every day.

It is very interesting to me how many people get wrapped around the axle about what goes on in the home of the other side of the blended family equation.  IMHO the tanttrums that are thrown over the turf of "Mom or Dad" is inticitive of a deficient parent.  Of course my perspective is that of a StepDad with no BKs.  Though I do have a son.  One who I have raised as my own and who I am proud to have my family name.

Kids are smart. They know who their REAL parents are.  They will not call an unworthy SParent Mom or Dad even if one of their BPs insists on it. At least not for very long.  "You're not my dad/mom" can make an involved quality Sparent cringe but... smart kids are more than capable of recognizing a SParent who is their REAL mom or dad. 

All IMHO and experience of course.

Keep up the good work... Dad.

It sounds like you love this child and that is great.  If you want to do what is best for the child, do what you can to keep the drama to a minimum.  It isn't necessary for everyone to meet one another- they live many hours away and the bio parents can communicate when needed.  This little girls father does sound like he is trying to stay in her life-  don't try to limit the amount of time that he spends with her if it has been agreed upon in a CO.  I like the idea of finding a special name for you - just not Dad.  That would hurt any dad or mom especially with a child at a young age.  It would be easy to confuse a 5 year old child with this situation.  Make it easier for her.

The only thing you can control is YOU, and you know this causes your SD stress, so tell her that bio dad is her DAD, and you will be *your name* or whatever nickname you come up with.  After all, he IS her bio father, and he is entitled to love her, too, as you do. You are currently also causing stress and blaming it on him. You should have, IMO, discouraged her from calling you dad from day one.

If he wants more time with her, perhaps he should go back to court and get larger blocks of time so there is not so much traveling. But neither you nor your wife have the right to keep him away, no matter how much you might want him gone (which also would be hurtful for your SD, if she lost her bio father).

I am a stepmom, and I get why bio parents don't want their kid calling the step parent the same title they have, but they cause so much damage by making a huge deal out of it. I get where you are coming from with allowing her to call you Dad. I really do. My advice is to make up a nickname kind of thing. My SD10 calls me a name that is sort of like my name but also sounds like "Mom" quite a bit but clearly isn't the word "Mom". I never tried to get her to call me "Mom" though she wanted to (her mom was very involved in her life and it just didn't feel like right thing) but this nickname upset her mom, however, I ignored her complaints. As long as it's not the SAME title bio parent has, they have no real leg to stand on in vetoing it if you can get the kid to standfast . I was sure that I didn't want my SD calling me by my first name (unless that's really what she wanted to do and she didn't). Reason is because I was very much involved in her upbringing. 50/50 custody. And even with most teachers, kids don't just call them their name. It's a sign of respect and specialness for a parent, Aunt, teacher, etc to have a title or special name. When her mom made a big deal out of my nickname, that was kind of the final straw for me, I got kind of resentful and jaded, and to this day, I am less bonded with her kid (my stepdaughter). It's not a willful decision. I can't help it. It's an emotional thing. If you push someone away, you may get what you ask for. Kids need their step parents to love them as much as possible. I hope you don't let his bullshit insecurity get to you. 

I always caution against letting SKs call you "Mom" or "Dad" because you have ZERO control over the long-term relationship with your SK. Only their parents have that control.

My SSs had a SF growing up that they called "Daddy". YSS was particularly fond of him because he spent a lot more time with him than he did DH (due to court orders and a PASing BM). And SF loved being called "Daddy", and I truly think he loved the boys.

How do you think the boys felt when BM left him? YSS was hurt. A lot. Instead of figuring out how to have a healthy stepparent/stepkid relationship, they went full father/son. So when BM divorced SF, she wasn't just cutting out a mentor, or uncle figure. She was removing a FATHER from her kids.

I'm not saying your wife is going to leave you, but you have ZERO control over whether she will or not. And when dealing with young kids, you have to err on the side of caution. You can have a loving, healthy relationship with SD that doesn't involve her calling you, and equating you, with her dad. If she is confused, it's because no one is teaching her how those relationships are different.

Be honest with yourself. You WANT her to call you "Dad" because you feel like you've earned it. You likely also want to be called "Dad" because you don't feel the XH has deserved the title. You're entitled to feel that way, but no one is entitled to imprint that on SD. She doesn't get to dictate whether you remain in her life or not, and you have no rights to dictate that, either, should you no longer be legally tied to your wife. And those two reasons alone are why you need to come up with a different dynamic that is good and healthy but isn't father/daughter. You can't guarantee or promise that she'll always be your daughter, so don't set her up to think that you always can or will be. You can't make that promise, no matter how unlikely it may be that you'll not be around.

The circumstances by which a SP remains forever and truly becomes the parent are rare. Divorce is far more likely, and we need to normalize it being okay for SPs and SKs to have a separate type of relationship that can be healthy.