Seriously need insight/advice ANYTHING!!
Good morning all!! I found this site and am hoping for some advice or insight on my situation, as I am at a complete loss. My family just takes my side, not what I'm looking for, DH family takes their side(duhh), i want outisde 3rd party impartial opinions. Here goes...
I have a blended family. I had 2 children prior to meeting DH a boy(now 7) and girl(now 5). My husband had 3 boys who are now 15, 13, and 7. We have 1 son together who is 1. We have been married for 4 years, though we have known each other my children's entire lives and i met his boys when they were 3 and 5. Just for background, 5 of the 6 live with us full time, my 2, our son and his 2 older boys.
The problem...
I LOVE ALL OF MY CHILDREN. However, out of the 6, there is 1 who I am growing more and more frustrated with DAILY!! honestly, the reason im here seeking help is because i am so fed up and so burnt out im considering taking my 3 children and leaving. I adore my husband, i dont want to destroy our family, but I also value the safety and wellbeing of my 2 children I brought into the dynamic.
13 year old step son we'll call him "SS" for sake of anonymity. SS is awful to me and my kids most of the time. Always has been. His mother is only around when its convienant for her, in/out of prison for drugs. Shes been out now a yr and shes sober but has only seen her boys 2x. Shes useless as a mother js. I raise them, he calls me mom, but treats me like trash. He does have ADHD, but he is taking medication daily, has counseling and an IEP at school. I make ALL the appointments, and I take him to them.
This child acts like a grown man when DH isnt around. When DH is around hes the picture of a perfect gentleman. I Constantly have other parents at my door complaining about him, cops have been here 3x in the last 2 yrs. He has been caught smoking, sending nude photos of himself to girls(cops came). He denies ALL of it, even caught red handed. My monster in law always shows up when hes been particularly awful and conviences DH either he didnt do it or it was MY fault. According to her and SS, I lie to get him in trouble. So i spent a small fortune and installed security cameras throughout my home, theres no evading a video w/ audio. Still hes rude, calls me names, DOES NOT LISTEN at all, throws things, back talks. Normal for a teen in a sense I know bc we have a 15yr old who does similar things but NOT like SS. He mocks me like 2 yrd old, follows my younger ones around and aggravates until they cry. Hits them, yells at them, pushes them around and then blames them. DH NEVER watches the video footage when i tell him about an incident, he just rolls his eyes and walks away.
2 days ago a woman came to my door to speak with me about him, her daughter rides the same bus and they share a bus stop. She said he was trying to push my 5yr old in the road in front of cars and was kicking my 7yr old in the shins "because he wouldnt listen". Her daughter stepped in(yayyy for mom she raised a child who doesnt stand by & allow bullying) and said something to him and he went off on her. The mother wanted me to be aware of the bullying and to let SS know to stay away from her daughter or she wouls contact police(he threatened her). I bring this to DH attention, he yells AT ME because it's "something everyday, always some drama around here everyday", he did nothing w/ SS. So, I removed ny children from the situation altogether, I work from home currently(thanks covid) and so i leave work everyday to walk them to school. I no longer allow my son to sleep in his room, he sleeps on the couch, bc SS hits him, trys to choke him, sits on him etc while hes in bed. I fear for my sons safety around this kid. EVERYTHING is an argument with him, and its always and i quote "your(my) fault for being so rude because you love everyone more than me and you would even care if I ran away or died". Mind you I buy ALL of their clothes, shoes, food etc, I go to ALL school functions especially for mothers day. I ALWAYS show up, I ALWAYS make an effort to make each of them feel loved in an individual way.
Lately, im so burnt out with him that I have started getting snappy. When he speaks to me, I snap back a response, or walk away if hes being nasty. I cringe when he comes in from school because i know whats left of my day is ruined and will be sent arguing, and stopping him from hurting or bullying my kids. My 7yr old.. 7.. Who hasnt wet the bed in 3 years.. Has started peeing the bed. I cant help but corelate that with SS being a pint sized terroist. NONE OF THE KIDS CAN GET ALONG WITH HIM, INCLUDING HIS BIO BROTHER, WHO BEGS ME TO LET HIM KNOCK HIM OUT. He got into fight with a severely autistic boy at school, and blamed his ADHD. "He cant help it, he has anger issues" to which the school says if we donr get him help they will contact DCS.
2 weeks ago his mom took him and his brother for the weekend. When she brought them home she let us know she busted his a** 3x. 1 for smoking, 1 for being hateful to her new spouse, and 1 for calling her out of her name. She let us know she cant handle him, and I need to put my foot down because hes awful. Like seriously?? I do?? Why? Hes not mine, hes yours, take him with you and get him the hell away from my kids lbvs.
What do i do? I will not give DH an ultimatum bc thats wrong, i would choose my kids everyday all day and i expect him to do the same. My relationship is falling apart. DH says i hate his son, and since i get along w/ 15yr old he says I play favorites and that 15yr old is my son now not his. He is mean to 15 yr old, hes an amazing kid gives no one any trouble at all but bc SS is terrible he takes it out on 15yr old, calling him lazy etc. DH and I are not speaking right now bc Ive hit my limit with his son, and he "doesnt know what to do". Ive asked so many times in 4yrs for his help raising HIS SON. but no. He comes home, starts drinking(only way to cope w/ his kid) amd just diaappears leaving all of it to me. Anytime SS gets to DH(happens often) he will scream, ground him then SS decides he doesn't want to be grounded and irritates DH until he ungrounds him. When all the back forth really gets to DH he takes him to the monster in law and drops him off for some "tough love" yeah right she babys him. She's a whole other issue for another day, DH would still breasfeed of he could lbvs.
Please give me insight, advice or just words of encouragement. Do i leave? Stay? Talk some more? Counseling? Am i being over dramatic? Anything, everything, i need help.
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Comments
Take your kids and leave. You
Take your kids and leave. You should have done the FIRST time SS abused one of your kids and your DH didn't want to hear it. You're responsible for your kids. I would never let anyone touch a hair in my two without raising hell.
I have left before because of
I have left before because of him. Not long after DH couldn't "handle him alone" and shipped him off to BM. I came home, fast forward 3 months she goes back jail, boom a living hell all over again. Your right though, i shoukd have left already, it just crushes me that this little a**hole is destroying my marriage, and our son togethers ability to live with us both. Our son is the reason im still here.
You are not the problem, your
You are not the problem, your DH is, he's a piss poor father who has heaped this situation on you and blames you for his lack of parenting. I would tell the school to call DCS on SS13 and let your DH deal with it.
I would also leave, I would not allow my children to be abused that way daily. You are forcing them to live in a horrible toxic environment and they have no say.
Your right! Its hard to hear
Your right! Its hard to hear but your right. I have allowed my children to become his victim.
You are being woefully under
You are being woefully under-dramatic. I would have been out of there the second time this kid laid hands on mine. I don't believe in the strange measure of installing security cameras INSIDE MY OWN damn house. Catching abusers after the fact still leaves victims. Your DH is failing as a parent and spouse, and I suspect as a human being as well. Maybe when DCS gets involved you will have had enough?
Honestly, the love for my DH
Honestly, the love for my DH and our son has kept me here. I have taken measures i thought that were pro-active. The physical violence toward my 2 is relatively new, at first i thought just step sibling rivalry. Hes jealous etc. Wrong!! Hes a pint sized terrorist.
Welcome to the site!
Your DH is supremely lazy and is deep in denial about SS, who sounds like a sociopath in the making. You and your children are entitled to expect to be safe in your own home and they palpably are not. I would advise you to leave with your three children before someone gets seriously hurt.
One consequence of staying is
One consequence of staying is that your kids don't experience what a loving family looks and feels like. They won't know how to build their own. I'm sure they do know that the current situation isn't normal, but they don't know any alternatives.
I agree with the others, you need to leave this situation to protect them, and likely get them into counseling so they can deal with the trauma they've experienced. Because it IS trauma and it WILL affect them in life.
You tried your best. You just can't fix something that isn't yours to fix. That little terrorist is screaming for help and your DH is actively ignoring it.
What about your SS7 - does he
What about your SS7 - does he have a different mother? Does your husband have much parenting time with him, and does your psycho SS13 terrorize him as well?
Wonder if your H would take action if it were his own younger child being mistreated. Or if SS7's mother would report abusive behavior.
SS13 is wonderful with my bio
SS13 is wonderful with my bio son1, SS7 we get him Every other weekend, SS13 irriates him by just acting like a 2yr old until he gets him mad and throwing a fit. SS13 has put hands on SS7 but bc he doesnt live here its not been as bad. SS7 has a different mother, who is better than SS13 BM but I doubt she would care, shes pretty dumb. In the eyes of H and the in laws the sun rises and sets this terrorsits ass.
I'm with the others. There is
I'm with the others. There is nothing here for you except frustration, anger and trauma for both you and your kids. I'm not sure how you can love a man who behaves this way, but he's harming both you and all the other kids in the home with his inability to man up and parent his kid.
Get out before CPS removes all the kids.
This kid needs a therapeutic
This kid needs a therapeutic boarding school or military academy. If DH balks at the cost maybe reminding him that rehab and criminal defense attorneys are also expensive. Your DH is very disappointing.
We attempted to enroll him in
We attempted to enroll him in military school onve before. In our state they wont accept them unless they have been reffered by the state for repeated criminal offenses. I'm as good as gone though, my mind is set. I have to protect my children. I will look into the boarding schools and show my DH because even with me gone the kid needs help. I wont allow my BS1 around him alone until a change is implemented.
Look at other states. Also- I
Look at other states. Also- I have put this up before in other boards there is a school in Texas that my IT rep had to send her son to. She said it completely changed him and they got grants. All they pay for his his clothes and flights home for breaks. It is a therapeutic school.
calfarley.org
I wont allow my BS1 around
I wont allow my BS1 around him alone until a change is implemented.
Don't EVER allow him around BS!! Are you kidding me?? Divorce your husband, document all of this abuse to only allow him SUPERVISED visits.
I've looked them up for
I've looked them up for family members. There are some that are state run and some that health insurance will partially cover. Some are like private schools but with therapy and they aren't dependent on the state for referral. They do cost money so your DH has to see the value and be willing and able to send him. Protecting you and the other kids from harm, gaining peace, and avoiding things like attorney fees, medical bills, and (God forbid) funeral costs for him or those he hurts in the future has to be worth it to him. He has to get out of denial and face this.
"I will not give DH an
"I will not give DH an ultimatum bc thats wrong..."
WHY? So everything you've been putting up with is a-ok? Your DH ignores everything and treats himself with alcohol. And you don't want to stand up for yourself and your kids? And it's ok for your kids to be in harms way - actively in harms way? They are being abused.
I haven't even read the responses but I suspect we'll all say the same thing, it's OK to leave, preferrable in fact.
She has to make sure that her
She has to make sure that her son she has with her husband won't get unsupervised visitation, though. What if the kid is there without her? Sending "Chucky" away would be the better option for now if that's a risk.
Agree!!
I feel so emotionally drained and confused. My head has been upside down for several months. My home feels more like a prison than a home. I have to ensure the safety of ALL the children. Honestly, i worry for SS15 without me here. I worry how BS1 will be on visits(hate that) without me here. My BS7 and BD5 are from my previous marriage, this time i wanted so badly to keep my family unit together. More and more i see thats not going to happen.
OP: Do you have recordings
OP: Do you have recordings from the cameras saved?
Every minute of every day
Every minute of every day inside and out for 2 months. I have videos of the cops talking to him, parents at my door, him being abusive physically and verbally. And on and on.. I save EVERYTHING to protect my own ass A. If he were to lie on me in a big way and B. To prove to a judge that their all crazy.
GOOD!!!! You need it to get
GOOD!!!! You need it to get DH supervised visits with BS without SS around! Don't think that he wouldn't try to hurt him if he had the opportunity.
Not at all!!
Nothing about my situation is okay!! The reason behind me saying "i wont give DH an ultmatium bc its wrong" is because when i have vented to family members in the past they have said well tell him to choose.. "Its you and BS1 or BS13" If given that choice I would choose my bios all day everyday. I feel like telling him either you kick your son out to live with an even worse parent or i will leave is wrong. Then he will resent me for making him choose between me amd his child. Its easier and more logical to me that i just leave. Choose my bios, and my mental health over his son.
But the ultimatum isnt you vs
But the ultimatum isnt you vs. his child.
It's your husband protecting *everyone* in the household from abuse, vs. you removing those you can (i.e. yourself and your bios) from the abuse.
Touche!!
I guess i didnt think of it that way. It just felt wrong. I guess if I were just being a crazy jealous SM it would be wrong, but this is a safety issue for everyone except SS13 and H.
shocked and dismayed
Honestly. This one seems easy from the outside. Protect your children. Your comment of "I dont want to make DH choose"..well, its not even a matter of choosing, its a matter of protecting the family.
The more I read, and saw your responses, the more apparent that your "D" H is the problem here. He is failing all of you. Rolling his eyes? Not viewing footage of proof that his evil little monster is in fact an evil little monster? Seriously? Get the authorities involved, obviously HE will do nothing. Protect the others. Because obviously HE will not.
SS13 is half the big picture problem. Your husband is the other half of the problem. Blaming you. Ok, well I think after youve left H and SS, please seek therapy for yourself, because you have been programmed to think that the upside down world is the real world.
I will need some time to process this...
Hes pushing kiddo into the road? Choking kiddo? And this is ok?
yikes. Sorry OP, all I can really advise is to call police and get SS out of there and then consult an attorney. SS13 is not destroying your marriage, Husband is.
The thought to involve
The thought to involve authorities has occured to me numerous times. However, the fear in that for me, and the reason i have not is because i am still here. Im horribly afraid of terrorist will concoct in his twisted brain. Lying comes naturally to him. I do not want him to twist, lie or manipulate the situation while my bios are here in the line of fire.
Can you get someone else?
Do you have any other contacts that know of this situation? Someone you can show the videos to?
Document everything possible.
The school guidance counselor
The school guidance counselor, and his pediatrician. He has 1:1 therapy at school but with a licensed 3rd party provider its a way to "help students without affecting attendance" but im not allowed to voice concerns without H present to sign off.
This is critical ...
I want to remind you that children CAN BE sociopaths & predators. Children are capable of unimaginable evil. Yes, there is always something behind the behavior, but it's over your paygrade to figure out.
DH and SS13 need to move out. Move in with in-laws, whatever. You need to protect the remaing children.
My SGS was CONVICTED of sexual assaults on siblings, cousins & neighborhood children at 11 years old. Let that resonate for a moment. Convicted sexual predator at 11 years old. You can PM me if you wish.
Save your children & yourself. If DH & BM will not address the situation, the courts will eventually. You don't want the court system in your life.
Be aware that you can lose custody of your children by allowing them to remain in a risk-filled situation. CPS will yank those kids away if they decide you're neglecting them by keeping them in a documented at-risk household. Just as if you let them ride with DH if he's drunk driving.
Stay safe & good luck
Agree your DH and MIL is your problem.
Saying that. This kid needs professional help, not school counselor, or fath counselor. But someone with a MD
If this kids mother is crazy most likely it was passed down to him. The gift that keeps on giving. Unless your DH does something to save his family all is going to be lost. Hard to tell you, it's hard to believe, your are allways looking for it to turn around. You you have a life long problem with SS Maybe medication will help
Hes currently on meds for
Hes currently on meds for ADHD, monitored by his pediatrician. I think he needs a child psychologist. DH disagrees. DH says he doesnt know what to do with him, but shoots down any option involving DR'S or Authorities. He thinks the little psycho will magically wake up one day and have outgrown being a terrorist who disrupts our entire household.
Videos
I so wish I could attach a few clips from the camera footage here. For those asking, they are 24/7 video surveillance I have had them about 3 months maybe a little longer, and have all data saved both to a hard drive in my room and to a cloud storage. I surveil my kitchen, living room, front porch, back porch, back yard and hallways. No footage what so ever of bathrooms or bedrooms except who comes and goes, no inside footage for privacy reasons.
I hope that you can do something
To save your bios and yourself...Good luck!
This kid doesn't need to be
This kid doesn't need to be allowed back in your house. If DH doesn't like it, he can leave too. You need to find the strength to put your foot down and protect your innocent kids before he kills one of them. Pushing young kids in front of cars is not normal. Your DH is pathetic.. balless...negligent...