I disengaged 17 yrs ago.  As your SD is only 6 it should be fairly easy to change the subject when she brings up BM.  My younger SD was about the same age when I first disengaged - not that they talked to me that much anyway.  When you say "there is a constant stream of crap" coming from BM - what do you mean? By text, email, phone?  You can block her on all these.  Your DH should only respond to messages which are about an emergency, or a pressing practical issue to do with his kid/s.  

Hi From skids 1.5 yrs ago and never met bio mum and never will. Hubby has survived perfectly well not seeing the exwife for 11 years +, i have no reason to meet psycho exwife, she trashtalked so much bs about me all false and untrue which sd’s knew and they told their dad to forget about it, that their hcgubm narcissist is ok now when she isn’t even remotely...

i have been firm with my husband since 1.5 yrs ago there has been too much abuse and disrespect from them for me or my 2 little kids aged 3 & 4 be expected to be around them as they have never ever shown to want to maintain a positive relationship so my husband needs to manage his relationship with his kids alone.

currently he is overseas working essential services and we likeley will not be able to see one another till end next year so as stressful as it is me and my 2 kids, its way better than being subjected to daily skid abuse in our marital home.

As a SM in a situation with a very juvenile, HC BM (likely with BPD, but undiagnosed), it's difficult. Pretty early, I cut the woman off from my own life, but she still manages to have an outsized influence in our home because SSs (who are now teens) willingly act as her spies. They report back to her on everything and also regularly tell DH that he needs to do this or that, because, "mom says you're supposed to." It's really driven a wedge into my relationship with SSs. I actively avoid one, because he's lied about me to DH's family and also he lies about our home to BM to cause drama. 

I have mild PTSD from the early years. When her ring would come onto DH's phone, I would have a visceral reaction. Now, she's supposed to communicate only through OFW, so he doesn't get as many notices, which helps. But, he still pulls me in to the drama that comes through OFW. 

Early on, a counselor told DH that he needed to find someone else to support him in dealing with all drama from BM, because if he kept expecting me to be his support, then our relationship would end, because I have no support in dealing with it and I'm also a target for her. It doesn't help that his family is completely sh&tty when it comes to BM. He has no one else. It helps that now he's also becoming immune to her manipulations. She always tells him how the kids cry because he doesn't do X, Y, Z for her and he finally can see that, that's all BS. 

The only thing that helps me is that I know what is true. I know that DH and I are good people and that DH is a wonderful father and that BM is crazy and mentally ill. So, even if others believe her and try to tell us that we're wrong, I know that they are wrong. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but it least it keeps me from going over the edge every time she tries to raise a stink. 

When hubby did. Once communication went to email so she couldn't ruin our day to day lives with texts and calls. And especially once he stopped being bent into going there putting ss to bed, playing free babysitter on her time etc. Now we don't have to have anything to do with her it's a lot easier. We still have to hear about her loads when ss visits but we just smile and feel sorry for him, the rubbish he parrots out from her. I think to successfully disengage your partner must be fully on the same page, and doing nothing that would upset/bother you re bm and stepchild 

If step problems are affecting you, then you have to find a way to distance yourself and let go of being so invested. It's a matter of self preservation, accomplished by changing your way of seeing the dysfunction and mastering your thinking concerning it.

I grew up in a home with a lot of constant low level chaos, and worked a stressful job. But even with my high tolerance for drama, my DH's dysfunctional baggage eventually had me to the point I developed depression and health problems. Even years on, my heart starts racing if the phone rings late at night, and the C-PTSD affects me. Still, disengagement brought calm and peace back into my life. 

Being exposed to or the target of prolonged conflict, and having no control over it, can trigger our fight or flight instinct. We become hyper vigilant, always trying to anticipate the next crisis, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. For a lot of SMs, this state becomes constant. We feel that our lives and loved ones are constantly under threat. Whether this is actually true on not, we feel unsafe, and our bodies react to that. In order to feel safe again, we have to get away from the threat - but short of divorce, the best option is to gain emotional distance.

I am disengaged from both of my DH's adult daughters and his family as well. Each disengagement was a matter of self preservation and an acknowledgement that the only thing I had control over was myself. The dysfunction in my DH's family goes back generations and is not about me, so I get to choose how I feel about it and how much of it I allow to ooze into my life.

Disengagement is the process of emotionally distancing oneself from some thing or some one. It's about letting go and removing oneself from the equation - a change of philosophy, all inside your head. It's accepting that that the poo isn't your problem, and releasing attachment to it. Despite what you wrote, it isn't your job to deal with your H's baggage. You've made the common mistake of taking on his burden, but you need to put it down and train your thoughts to leave it all alone. Your focus should be on yourself, your own baggage, and being just a wife.

Work with your therapist on gaining emotional distance. Continue to work on your disengagement journey (don't tell your H about it, either) and be kind to yourself. Slip ups and backsliding happen, and people may pressure you to reengage, but stay on course. It's so worth it!

Thank you ladies for being so honest. I think you guys may well save my relationship. It's horrible that we're all having to go through this but wonderful that we can support each other through it

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