How do you respond to "You're not my mommy/daddy!!!"

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Anyone know? How do you respond to this type of claim after you spend years putting so much into a child that isn't even yours?

Anyone experienced this?

Apparently this is supposed to be the biting comment when a child/teen is frustrated or mad at you.

If it's a little kid, like a toddler, then really I wouldn't take it so personal as I feel they don't understand what they're saying and how much it may hurt. And I feel I still have many years to hopefully change their attitude towards me as a SM.

But if it's a teenager (like my 15 yr old SD who dropped that bomb on me many times)....then for me it's, 'I know and I praise the high heavens everyday that I'm not your mom. Now kindly pack your bags and get out of my house.'

How do you respond to this??

I would say you are correct I

I would say you are correct I am not your mom or your dad, but I am the person in charge and you will do what I say.

How about "No, I am not

How about "No, I am not because any child of mine would have better manners and be more appreciative of people who have gone out of their way to love them, take care of them, help them when there is no biological or legal requirement of them to do so". Then stop doing anything for her. No cooking, shopping, money, rides, laundry, cleaning, anything.

I have 2 15-yr-old SS's. Even before I found this site and read about disengaging, I started to do it. 6 months ago I got the "you're not my parent" BS from SS. So I pulled back. I go to 1 out of 7 baseball games (instead of every one that I used to go to), I don't give them rides anywhere, I don't offer to help with their homework, I don't do their laundry, I don't clean their rooms, etc. I let DH do it. Now, I need to disengage with my words too and not get sucked into the parental need to help them.

At 15, they are who they are. It's too late to change them or teach them basic manners and it's not our job anyway. I know it's hard to not take it personally... I KNOW it is!!! But they don't care if they hurt our feelings... in fact, that's their aim. So why do we let them? Time to take the power away and just not care and focus on our own lives.

My reply was always, "No, I'm

My reply was always, "No, I'm not, but I am the adult & I as long as you are in my home you will do what I say".

I heard this from my 23 year

I heard this from my 23 year old SD last year. I told her "You're damn right I'm not your dad because if I was, I would've put my foot up your ass a LONG time ago and you wouldn't act like a spoiled brat!"

You say OK I will remember

You say OK I will remember that. When they ask you for something later you say did you forget I'm not your mom, so I can't do that. This ranks up there with a kid saying I hate you to a parent.

Mine was "and that's too bad

Mine was "and that's too bad b/c you would've stood a chance in the real world!"

I've gotten this response

I've gotten this response once and my probably not so good reaction was a combination of a few suggestions, "You're right, thank the lord! But you still have to do what I tell you and you better zip your mouth right now because if I hear another disrespectful word out of you, you won't eat a decent meal for a week."

Someone on here has a great

Someone on here has a great signature "I am aware I'm not your mother. If I was you wouldn't behave the way you do" or something similar. I love it

My dream response would also

My dream response would also be something to the effect of I am not who their mother is. "Thank you Captain Obvious. You're right. I make better choices than your mom. I've never done crack or been a whore, much less combine the two." lol.

Hahaha I like it!

My SD8 told me this a few

My SD8 told me this a few years ago and my response was "you're right. I'm not your Mom and I'm not trying to be - however, when you are in MY house you will listen to me and you will follow my rules, regardless of how you feel about me"

Alternatively, my BD13 tried this one (you're not my father) with her SD (my DH) and he told her something very similar. BD13 later told me that hearing him say he WAS NOT trying to be her Dad helped her actually SEE him as a father figure and she now calls him Dad. Go figure with that one!

Since I disengaged and never

Since I disengaged and never interact with my SD17, I never have to worry about hearing this. I do get to hear her singing the praises of her perfect bio-daddy to the high heavens, but at least I can leave the room when she starts that.

for you. I don't hear that

:sick:

for you. I don't hear that phrase either. BUT i do get to hear how awful BM is, but they are actually close to her. Its all fake

SD13 says :"You can't tell me

SD13 says :"You can't tell me what to do. You are not my mom!"

I say: "No, I'm not. But I am here and I'm not going anywhere. So go do what I asked or you will not be allowed to __________ for the rest of the day. If you continue to be disrespectful, you will not have __________ tomorrow either. You can make your choice."

DH is usually standing right next to me. In the past he would not enforce the grounding totally. While enforcing for that day, he would always give in the next day. We have been working those things out in counseling. I fear for our relationship if he doesn't back me up. I can't live like that. I don't think he realizes that he is putting our relationship on the line when he does those things. He is giving SD13 permission not to listen to me and to continue her reign of terror.

How do you try to get your skids under control? (I see a new thread coming..."

The one and only time this

The one and only time this was said to me, my response was, "You are right, I'm not your mom and you may not always like the things I do or say, but you can always be sure that I love you and have your best interests at heart."

This was the best way I could think of to keep her from seeing the pain. I figured if she knew how much it hurt me, she would continue to say it whenever she was angry. I'm sure she's THOUGHT it again since then, but she's never actually SAID it.

I like this one. Thanx. I'll

I like this one. Thanx. I'll keep it in my back pocket until I need it with SS10. So far, with SS15, I've said "You're right, I'm now, but I am in charge of this house and when you start paying the rent the way I do, you can boss me around."

I haven't had to deal with

I haven't had to deal with this with my adult stepkids, but my son was sometimes a brat to his new stepdad when we first got married. "You're not my Dad" was something my son quite often whenever DH told him to do anything. I wasn't happy about it, he did get reprimanded for it, but I also think that that kids are looking to push a stepparents' buttons. DH was always good about defusing it, by saying something like "I know I'm not you're Dad but love you now- go clean you room'.

Hahahahaha When our 13 year

Hahahahaha When our 13 year old twins, my SD and SS, said that I told them, rather loudly because they were upstairs and i was at the bottom of the stairs; DH was feet from me and silent, that I did not have to do Jack for them. Around that point I disengaged, DH is such a softie and thought I was too harsh so I decided to let him see just exactly what a demanding, self absorbed, downright rude and obnoxious set of twins he really had. Some two years or so, was not counting, later he is now giving them some tough love. Not before time!! Oh, and I say what I mean and mean what I say, I am such a bitch!!

I respect being a bitch. I'm

I respect being a bitch. I'm in training

I made it clear from the

I made it clear from the start, "No, I'm not your dad. That means I'm under no biological obligation to take your crap!" But under no circumstances would I let that go without addressing it. When they say it, it is designed to be a challenge to your authority in the home, not just something to hurt your feelings. The point is that since you're not their biological parent, they don't really have to listen. The day that any child in my home, regardless of age or parentage, decides to tell me they don't have to listen, for ANY reason, they're going to be in for a rude awakening. Besides that, I think that if you're wife/husband hears this and doesn't put their son or daughter in check, then you have bigger problems.

I've heard this one from my

I've heard this one from my SDs. I tried it out once early on with my stepdad. The response he gave me, and the one I used with my own SDs: "you're right, I'm not your mom/dad. I'm not trying to replace them. I love you and am looking out for your best interests, so you need to do as I say."

I would respond "THANK GOD!"

I don't really interact with

I don't really interact with my SD14; I make DH do all of the yes or no's or chores.....etc. I think she may WANT to say it to me at times; but I don't think she ever will because she's kind of scared of me and doesn't want to take me head on.......LOL fine with me...