QUICK - need advice just got slapped in the face with an ultimatum (new SM here)
OMG am I ever glad to have stumbled upon this site...seriously I've been thinking to myself for the past 2 years (4 years we been together) I was married to hubby, that I was an evil lunatic!
OK....I am a stepmom of a 15 year old stepdaughter...well more like stepbrat. Due to a medical condition I have been unable to have children of my own (I'm now 38). So initially was EXCITED to hopefully bond with his daughter. I have never been able to get through whatever wall she has put up against me. I have gone above and beyond the call of duty to be a part of this girl's life knowing that she had to watch her parents divorce. She simply hates me...dislikes me...makes snide remarks and tries to sabotage my relationship.
We get her every weekend and it's the same thing. I'm a sales executive and I put in a lot of hours, so I do value my days off. Up until 7pm on Friday night, it's time for me to drop everything I do and cater to HER. Cooking, cleaning, throws her shit everywhere, demands attention from daddy, invites her pot-smoking friends over like she owns the place, inhales everything in my fridge. One time I went to the bathroom to find a huge TURD on the fucking floor :sick: (see what I'm dealing with here???), apparently she stumbled in from drinking with her friends. We recently bought a house a year ago and I personally spent MONTHS and thousands of dollars of my own money to paint, decorate, and fix up her room and fill her closet with clothes. Not a thank you, not a hug, nada. Just walks in like she owns the place and chomping her gum and going through all the clothes I bought and surfing the web.
Anyways, me and hubby have been planning a 2 week romantic getaway cruise for the past 6 months to the Caribbean, for just the two of us. She found out about this and says (thinking she's invited) 'Oh that's gonna be fun, I can't wait!' I clarify for her 'Actually it's just going to be me and your father.'
Not more than 30 minutes later I hear sobbing coming out her room, on the phone with mommy crying 'I always feel left out!! They do nothing for me! I hate coming here!! I just want to spend more time with them, I love my daddy and don't wanna lose him :jawdrop: ' Then her mom calls MY cell, ranting and raving how I'm trying to exclude her from her daddy and yadda yadda yadda. Her and I had a huge bitchfest, with her hanging up the phone on me, stepdaughter crying in daddy's arms and begging to go home. So he drove her! She hasn't been back in three weeks. 
}:) Anyways after spending the past three weekends of taking luxurious bubble baths with champagne and watching Grey's Anatomy re-runs I get a call yesterday from bio-mom. Asking that we 'please' take her on this cruise with us just one time, she would be paying for everything....otherwise stepbrat won't be coming back to this house and that her dad will have to make the visits there if he wants to see her.
I'm worried that he'll give in. Cause it will be a cold day in hell before I go anywhere with that witch (especially if I'm paying for it!) Two, a part of me does feel really cruel to be thrilled that I might never have to see her much anymore, I want it to work and for us all to be happy. But at the age of 15 and four years of this crap from her I feel it will never end and she will never change.
How do I come up with a win-win situation WITHOUT bringing her with us??
It is manipulation plain and
It is manipulation plain and simple. And pretty common amongst spoiled skids.
This tactic, ignoring bio parent when they don't get their demands met and making threats.
My own SS7 has been doing this the last few weeks because his father won't sleep with him all night. The thing is, you can't give in PERIOD! What message will you be sending? It will never ever stop if you do and the demands will get more hurtful and ridiculous as the days go by. I've read enough true testimonials to that on this site.
Go on the vacation just the two of you without the daughter. She'll get over it and come back around when she wants something. Do NOT cancel the trip. Do NOT let her come along and spoil it for both of you. Do NOT let BM interfere in your time with your hubby by interjecting and demanding things. Do go by yourself and have a great time if your hubby refuses to go without the daughter. If he tries to trick you and bring her against your wishes, then make it a point to try and invite a friend so you will have a great time without them. Then the next vacation plans you keep to yourself! Lesson learned.
You can plan a "family" vacation at a later date if you like. Make it short and do something where your SD15 will be out of your hair, like an amusement park. Let her bring a friend and be your nice casual self. It will have the added bonus of making SD15 look like a liar when you aren't the demon she paints you to be to others.
You know kids should be taught to be considerate of their parents feelings and happiness too. Too many skids aren't learning that. Doesn't she want her dad to be happy too? Doesn't she appreciate the fact that you love her dad and try to make her happy too? Obviously not.
Of course her father has to be on board with some of this for it to ideally work.
Good luck! Your happiness is important too!!
That is just crazy! She is
That is just crazy!
She is manipulating you guys! The cruise was planned for the 2 of you. SD will live & if she chooses not to come over again then she is excluding herself from her daddy's life. I would first tell hubby if stepbrat goes then you will stay home. And while they are on their romantic cruise together you will be more than happy to pack their things for them so they can move out when they get back. There is no way on earth i would tolerate this crap & you shouldn't either!!!
what has dh said??? i would
what has dh said???
i would be THRILLED if sd never wanted to come to my house again, ss, too....
The only thing DH has said is
The only thing DH has said is 'I don't want my daughter to feel excluded. She's only 15 and is at the age where one always tries to fit in. I just want all of us to be happy.' I made it 200% clear to him that I've wanted to spend this time with just him. He says, 'Well she doesn't get me to herself either.' Erm...ok...
You know I like the idea of handing over my ticket if she is allowed....but I don't wanna pay for her to party it up on a fully paid for trip, eff that. He can pay for her.... and I'll spend the 2 weeks throwing bbqs and at home spas with my friends in my house and have their shit sitting on the curb when they get back.
Man I spent so much dough renovating and fixing up her room it just INFURIATES ME the ungratefulness of the whole situation!!! :O
I only read the first
I only read the first sentence of your comment and my comment is how the f*ck does a 15 year old bitch fit into a romantic 2 week cruise - I would ask DH that little question and as for the large piece of shit on the bathroom floor - shudder what an animal - f*ck her and her daddy if he gives in - you take that trip and enjoy yourself with your hubby alone!!! Stand your ground!!!
I have now read the whole comment and yes throw his shit to the curb if he can't have 2 weeks with you!!!
Yes, she left a turd on my
Yes, she left a turd on my bathroom floor in the middle of the night.....AT FIFTEEN Y/O! I wanted to rub her nose in it or whatever folks do to train their DOGS not to shit on the floor....
I'm embarrassed to tell people in real life....it's sickening! Glad I found this bunch of people cause I swear sometimes I think I'm in the twilight zone.
" apparently she stumbled in
" apparently she stumbled in from drinking with her friends."
how is it she was drinking? and how is it that she is given ANYTHING with this kind of behavior?
You are super nice. Stop it. The minute a skid comes to my house drinking let alone leaving a surprise on the floor... DONE
Ya, thst's what I was
Ya, thst's what I was thinking. Dh shouldn't give her anything after the drinking, pot smoking friends and most definately the suprise on the bathroom floor! Wow! I cannot believe she is 15 yrs old and does that! So sorry that you are left to deal with SD shi*...quite literally!
The win-win situation would
The win-win situation would be if the spoiled brat and her enabling mother understood that ADULTS need PRIVATE vacations too. If she was so interested in spending time with her father then maybe she should display some respect while staying with him (and you).
Also, it's a sorry threat. If she doesn't want to have her visitation with her father because she wasn't allowed on a couple's private vacation, too bad for her. Obviously she cares more about getting her way than about being with her dad.
If your hubby gives in on this, let him and his real "wife" be together--alone.
^^^^EXACTLY!!!! if she was so
^^^^EXACTLY!!!! if she was so concerned about spending time with her dad then why is she secluding herself and not visiting?! If dh caves in his time she'll continue to use that threat with dh. Put a stop to it now. Tell dh if bm keeps allowing herto miss visits then he'll file contempt charges against her. Then have him do it.
He says, 'Well she doesn't
He says, 'Well she doesn't get me to herself either.'
Ummmm....she isn't the WIFE!! Besides, what is he doing when sd would visit? If he was so concerned about her getting alone time with him then he would've been spending one on one time when she was coming over. I'd tell dh that he can take sd but that you aren't going. If he takes that option though tell him to expect to find his bags packed for him when he comes home. I mean seriously, if he is willing to fo on a trip with just sd and not his wife then something is wrong there. The only other solution would be to offer to take sd on another trip (not as expensive or extravagant) the three of you at another time. Dh needs to explain to sd and bm that this trio is a romantic getaway and not a family vacation.
LIKE!!!! Surely there is
LIKE!!!! Surely there is some housecleaning that he and his kid can do together. Bonding over Scrubbing Bubbles is the new daddy-daughter trend
1. STOP cooking and cleaning for the stepbrat. Disengage immediately!!
2. Tell DH that this is an adult cruise so if he wants SD to come, then you won't be going.
3. Get the book "Stepmonster" seriously, your problem is your guilty daddy DH. SD is only doing what she has been ALLOWED to get away with!!
I love the way teenage girls
I love the way teenage girls turn on th waterworks and shight stir between separated parents.
If your DH gives in and
If your DH gives in and invites a child on your romantic trip, I would throw a teetotal fit like he has never seen!!!!!
Total manipulation. And you
Total manipulation.
And you shouldn't buy into it because the behavior will just get worse. Believe me I know from experience and I don't want yours to be like mine. Your DH sounds just like mine. Here is what I would do:
1. GO ON THE CRUISE - JUST YOU AND DH
2. Plan a family vacation, It could just be a camping trip or a visit to your DH's family.
3. Have DH 'xplain to SD that there is "family time" and "couple time" and "father and daughter time" and none of the preceding is meant to exclude anyone - it's to build relationships. Also, if your DH will do this (and mine NEVER did) it would show SD who is in charge of the family.
"3. Have DH 'xplain to SD
"3. Have DH 'xplain to SD that there is "family time" and "couple time" and "father and daughter time" and none of the preceding is meant to exclude anyone - it's to build relationships. Also, if your DH will do this (and mine NEVER did) it would show SD who is in charge of the family."
I agree with this 100%. Having DH have this chat with SD shows her that she's very important to him, but so are you. He needs to explain to her that just because he loves you now doesn't mean he loves her any less and that both are equally important but different. He also needs to ask her how she'd feel if you behaved towards her the way she treats you. She probably will respond that she wouldn't be too happy. He needs to say, "I'd never be with someone who treated you like that, and I expect you not to treat others like that, or you'll face severe consequences (i.e. getting grounded, losing her ipod/tv/phone privileges for the weekend on top of having to help clean up any messes she made)."
It also wouldn't hurt for them to do something they both like together, say maybe once a month or every other week. Is there a movie they both want to see? He could take her while you're at work. After the movie, they should discuss whether or not they liked it and why, and talk about the good and bad qualities of the characters. Or he could take her out to eat and they could just sit there and catch up. If she starts spewing out stuff about you and swearing in the process, he needs to stop her in her tracks and remind her that a) people can talk about problems and ask for advice on how to deal with them without cursing, b) she needs to not talk about you like that because you're his wife, and c) he wouldn't tolerate you talking to her, his daughter, like that. Then he needs to ask her to rephrase it in a more respectful tone and also tell her that she should sit down with you and politely discuss the problem with you. If you don't think this will work, try having family meetings once a month in which everyone can voice their problems politely and you can talk calmly to figure out a solution.
I'm sorry she's acting like this. I know the teen years are rough but this seems beyond the realm of normal teen behavior. I hope things get better for all of you.
A turd on the floor? What
A turd on the floor? What does she think your home is, county lockup?
No way--I say stick to your guns and make sure you and DH are on the same page. You guys made it clear it was a trip for you two--that's the way it should stay.
My parents went on a two week trip to Hawaii without me--because they wanted that time for themselves! Guess what--I didn't die because of it.
Like I said earlier, I wanted
Like I said earlier, I wanted to rub her nose in it or toss it in her bed or whatever folks do to train their DOGS not to poop on the floor!!
Me and DH are having a looonnngggg chat tomorrow morning.
Or.....at the age of 15, DH
Or.....at the age of 15, DH can make a deal with her that he'll take her on a cruise when she graduates from high school. Or.....someone could suggest she get a JOB and pay for her own cruise (gasp! the inhumanity of that suggestion!) Or....someone could grow a set of gonads and "just say no" to the little princess!!!!!!
I think your DH may have a
I think your DH may have a point about SD never getting him all to herself, though. Although there is no way in H3LL I would cave on the trip (that's just ridiculous that anyone would even entertain such nonsense), maybe some one on one father-daughter time is in order. I get that you're his wife, but she is his daughter and even at 15, kids like to have some one on one with their parents.
I have two kids and I make an effort to do something with just the three of us and with just me and one of the kids on a regular basis. That separation between my kids and I and DH and SD has really done us all some good.
Just food for thought.
Can she even legally give you
Can she even legally give you an ultimatum like that? I would think if there is a visitation order in place she should realize she can't go back on that. Regardless.
And since when did it become a crime to take a vacation without kids? My parents did that and never took my brothers and I. Nobody ended up crying in a corner feeling :left out: BM should never have control over your husband and yours relationship and if he caves that exactly what hes doing. Hopefully he remembers he is married you and not his daughter or ex for that matter.
What 15 year old wants to go
What 15 year old wants to go on a cruise with their dad and stepmom? Seriously? I quit going on vacation with family when I was like 14 going through the (I'm too cool for parents in public) stage? What the hell is this? And if that's how he replied he needs to realize this is a "couple's trip" and uh he is not going to make everyone happy! she is there every weekend with the exception of the weekends she is having tantrums? uh yeah...she is excluding herself - and if your hubby falls for this - pack up their shit and get them out!
Very similar thing happened
Very similar thing happened to us a few months ago. DW was suppposed to go with me while I was at an out of town for a one-day conference. SD17 was staying with her perfect bio-daddy, who was supposed to keep for a 3-day weekend (conference was on a Monday, which was a holiday that bio-daddy was supposed to get). When SD17 found out that we would be gone for the day on Monday, she suddenly wanted to come home early, because she could not stand the idea of DW and I having a day together. Bio-daddy was egging her own, and "magnanimously" offerred to give up his holiday so she could go.
For some reason, we caved and brought her. Still not sure why I agreed to that. I'm sure it was a thrilling day for SD17, sitting in the car for 8 hours of driving, and spending a couple of hours shopping while I was at the conference (SD17 hates shopping). Nonetheless, SD17 got her way, and I now regret giving it to her.
We were planning on taking a family cruise in a couple of years, but after the fiasco with the conference, I managed to persuade DW into making some changes. DW and SD17 are now going on their own cruise (a much cheaper one), and later DW and I will go on the big cruise by ourselves. The math actually works out the same as far as total cost, but now DW gets two cruises, but more importantly, I don't have to go on a cruise with SD17. The days of me going on a "family vacation" are over.
I'd ask DH if he was inviting
I'd ask DH if he was inviting her to your marital bed too...how romantic would a cruise be with a 15 year old in the room ?!?!?! Tell him if he doesn't know how to treat his wife, you'll be sure to find someone who does
amen
amen
^^^^ GOOD ONE! I agree with
^^^^ GOOD ONE! I agree with this! "dh, since you feel so bad about leVing sd home, then I'm taking BFF in your place." look on his face- priceless!
Absoeffinglutely not. 1. Bio
Absoeffinglutely not.
1. Bio mom needs to back the freak up. Next time she calls you, hang up. Or answer and say "we are sorry, the party you have dialed no longer accepts calls frtolerate number. Click.
2. Daddy needs to grow some. He is either going to spend his life and bed with you or her. Presumably not her.
3. You give the ultimatum right back. Either you go or she goes, and if she goes, you won't be there when they get back.
4. Or he stays home and you take your sister or bff or mom or someone else. They can have daddy daughter time while you're gone on the cruise.
how many married daddies do u know who have alone time with their 15 yo daughters? Not many. The occasional date night or project time or just hanging to see a movie or something. Not a romantic cruise.
Put your foot down.
I just read your post but not
I just read your post but not all the comments and what I would do is this;
I would smile seductively at your husband and let him know how MUCH you were looking forward to this time alone with him, then graciously offer to plan a weekend family trip for the three of you shortly after you get back (or even better; before you go, if there's time).
Since you're planning this family trip, you can make sure that it involves activities that keep everyone preoccupied so her attitude has the least impact. I'm thinking somewhere where you can have some spa time and you book her spa time too; things like that.
And; your house stays clean for the weekend too!
Good Luck!
I agree your dh needs to say
I agree your dh needs to say no. Obviously married couples need alone time-hopefully there are things that he does with you that require privacy and he does not do those sorts of things with sd. That's why it is an asinine comment to make that he doesnt get alone time with her either. He doesnt need the same kind of alone time
Why dont you tell him that he has your full backing to take sd on a lovely camping trip after you all get home. All by themselves. They can bond out in the woods and it would be great.
I'm sorry, clarify this for
I'm sorry, clarify this for me - she is 15 years old and she drinks and smokes pot and she or someone she associates with literally took a dump on your bathroom floor and you are buying her clothes and spoiling her why exactly? Tell her no and tell her she isn't getting a damn thing from you until she cleans up her act.
She sounds like a spoiled little bitch to be quite frank - and a disgusting, irresponsible one at that.
If your husband decides to cave in to this, tell him to have fun without you.
how about tell him you'll
how about tell him you'll have fun without him
I get a call yesterday from
I get a call yesterday from bio-mom. Asking that we 'please' take her on this cruise with us just one time, she would be paying for everything
So if BM is willing to pay for SD to go on YOUR cruise why the hell doesn't she just take SD on a cruise her damn self?? Why is she imposing SD and herself into your plans??
And why are your DH and BM so quick to REWARD an obnoxious, turd dropping, pot smoking, demanding brat with a cruise????
Got an update guys, won't be
Got an update guys, won't be able to post till tonight though, lol.
I want to know now!! Cmon
I want to know now!! Cmon tell us now-i am entitled whiny skid and I want to know everything right now!
Oh I so agree to go on the
Oh I so agree to go on the cruise with a friend and leave them both at home to spend quality time together!! Love that!!
If he agrees to bring her, I
If he agrees to bring her, I would back out and let them go alone!
Tell BM to take SD on a
Tell BM to take SD on a cruise with her. But HELL NO would I take her on the cruise with me. And if DH refuses then let him and SD go and you can book a weekend away just by yourself at a nice spa. It sounds like you have alot going on in your house with your SD. I would be laying down the law with her big time. And if DH doesn't agree...well he and SD can go buy a house together and be one little happy family. Don't take his or her crap!
I agree with paul_in_utah -
I agree with paul_in_utah - why not DH and SD go on a little holiday by themselves, then you can have your friends round and have a great week while they are away.
I would NEVER agree to SDs coming on a holiday with us. It would be like a fortnight in hell and totally counterproductive for me.
I can't wait to read the
I can't wait to read the update on this one! I bet you BM wouldn't take SD on any romantic trips she takes...they are trying to intrude on your relationship it is so obvious...all these posts had a great take on this...can't improve on their advice.
Where is the update !??!
Where is the update !??!
tell her b io mom to TAKE HER
tell her b io mom to TAKE HER daughter on a romantic cruise. and if she wont budge....take the kid on the cruise.........and throw her over board............
UPDATE (finally!) 1. The
UPDATE (finally!)
1. The little c*nt is NOT going on the cruise....end of story. For one, it's already fully booked and it's too late to include her in this carefully planned event. Two, I made it clear to hubby that if she goes on this thing, I am pulling the plug on this relationship and he can move back to his momma's. (Lets' remember....I make a significantly higher income as a sales executive than he does.....that nice huge 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom house though he contributes is under my name) He caved, and saw my viewpoint after hammering it in. He agrees that she has been stand-offish from day 1 and keeping me at arms length, while eating my food, having run of the house (her laptop that I bought, and that beautiful room I set up for her) and the pool outside on MY paycheck. She does NOT deserve an extravagant cruise.
2. We had a long chat about the "real underlying issue".....how she wants to spend time with JUST 'daddy.' That she feels she doesn't get 'daddy' to herself and feels like he isn't her 'daddy' cause I'm around and in the way. That she didn't 'ask' for 'me' to step in the picture and 'take over' nor did she ask for 'daddy' to divorce 'mommy' and turn her life upside down. That she feels 'daddy' found a new 'life' that's so much better than when the three of them were all together as one happy family. *BARF*
So....we decided that starting next weekend, she can have 1-2 weekends a month with just 'daddy.' I agreed that on ONE weekend per month I will make it a point to leave the house and do my own thing for the afternoon while they spend quality time together.
The first weekend, they plan on going out to lunch and then to a baseball game. Stepbrat was over this weekend and asked what I planned on doing while they were away. I sweetly responded "I'm taking my niece (who's also 15) out for a girls day, we'll be shopping for her new prom dress and then we'll be at the spa getting our nails done. Very much looking forward to it." }:) Oh she brushed me off and pretended she didn't care, but the look on her face.....PRICELESS.
Hey it's her loss, she wanted me out of her life so now she got it. My niece is an angel and loves me, treats me with respect, so I have no problem spoiling her. Stepb*tch can have fun at her baseball game *SCOFF* and I do need a new garden put in my backyard, maybe her and 'daddy' can spend time doing that.
I might even plan an extragavant cruise with my sister and niece just to rub it in.
More rants....
1. The little c*nt continues to party out with her gals on the weekends, left vomit on the toilet ring past two weekends :sick: ....at least it wasn't a turd.
2. I don't know why it's so damn difficult for her to put her dirty dishes in the sink. Also, why does the food she eats always make it to the table and never her mouth??
3. If she continues to inhale everything in my fridge I'm going to start hiding stuff.
4. I'm sick of seeing dirty panties and socks on her room floor, left conveniently for me to clean up after she leaves.
5. The next time she leaves a dirty tampon/pad on the bathroom floor I'm putting it on her pillow.
Thanks guys for all your helpful (and humorous!!) comments. I swear I love the snarky attitude you guys have and it's great to have a forum to let my frustrations out with little to no judgement/