Yes, this has to be discussed - but maybe in the form of a general household budget discussion.  Figure out how much you are spending on eating out and shopping as well as on SD and all the other kids. 

If he won't make changes, consider separating your money, though it sounds like neither of you are great at budgeting or spending wisely.

I think that with that amount of child support as well as the medical, SD17 can now pay for some things and BM can help with college apps. Who is paying for SD's college?

In California, its all based on income as well as visitation. And you can still end up paying. DH pays 347 for SD14 Munchkin. He pays for SOME extras. We will be providing a car as long as she has a job to pay for insurance and gas. And has a license. She will need to take out student loans and apply for grants, for college.

Definitely agree that budgeting will help you get a better handle on how to handle things.

Those budget spreadsheets can be pretty stark. If you project your budget based on the last few months of actuals it really is an eye opener. It was the ONLY way I could get DH to curtail his ridiculous spending. That and me getting upset, which got him upset, and made money more emotional. Making it LESS emotional was the key for me.

I get irritated at DH for buying stupid sh!t that we don't need, but truth is if I want something badly enough I'll buy it. So his four $50 things might irritate me, but somehow my $200 dress is ok. I've had to get a grip on my own brand of crazy. 

The TrueBill app is really helpful and eye-opening when it comes to showing you how much you are spending and where, as well as letting you know of upcoming bills.

So credit card just becomes another expensive that has to be paid off before SD exter money.  Unlesd you make a stand nothing is going to change.  DH has to be afraid of you more then his ex 

I totally feel this. I wanted to go on vacation for my baby's first Christmas. We don't have the money to do it because his BM gets $1,300 a month in child support each month and his kids got over $2,500 in Christmas gifts this year. I've spent $50 on our baby for Christmas and he hasn't even talked about what he or the kids will be getting him. We also have to figure out how to find the money for a lawyer and to pay of their old bills they had together. 

Can you talk DH into seeing a financial advisor with you? Spin it as a team thing that the two of you need to tackle together even though in reality he's the one that really needs it. DH used to overspend on SD too and if I said anything he'd dig in and get defensive over it. When we went to our financial planning session the advisor told him he would mot have enough to retire on. If he were to die tomorrow his toddler would not be able to have the schooling he plans to put her through. I would have to sell our house and scrape by as a single parent on reduced income or pay for daycare. It was a huge wake up call when the numbers and taxes were crunched right in front of him by a professional. 

Thisisnotus, you mentioned that you are 40.  This is the time to get serious about your preparations for retirement.  You should be socking away all the spare money.  No one want to a broke senior.  Getting some professional financial planning help will really make a difference if neither you and your DH are budgeters.

If you don't want to do this, seperate your finances.  Have a joint account for household bills but keep the rest of the funds seperate.  The downside to this is your DH might not be trusted to be planning for your financial future together even if you are and you might find yourself carrying him in old age.

There was a poster here who used to take an equivalent sum out of the bank account and deposit it into a savings account when her DuH would do this. Apparently, he got wise REAL quick when he saw how much money was vanishing. Maybe open a bank account with that intent today?

I think half the problem is that they only seem to see the last sum to go and not the accumulation over the month(s).

That failed men with failed families that they cater to hook line and sinker suck in even more victims to their lives as failures never ceases to boggle my mind.

Even more mind boggling is how many women tolerate the crap year after year.

Worshipping and supporting the X and the failed family progeny for one penny more than CS or what is otherwise COd is not the best choice for building a new life and new relationship.