Yeah, don't move in. She's staking her territory and he's allowing it.  Search for the term "mini-wife" on here.  He's enmeshed with her and she is not going to take kindly to having you around.

I think you have to have a conversation with him about your concerns and see how he responds.

She's on track to after college move back home permanently.

She's home from college. I'd stay away while she is here. If you are a priority, he will come to you. If not, you know where you stand and can decide what you want to do. 

Girl, run. 

It's not about her outgrowing it (she won't), it's about your BF allowing this, participating in this, and more than likely, causing this in the first place.

There are plenty of stories on here about daughters in their 30s, married or with a BF, still being too enmeshed with their own fathers.

And make no mistake about it, he is getting something that he needs out of it, also. Otherwise, he would have put a stop to it long ago, and wouldn't be leaving you to go to the hot tub with his daughter.

Some girls want to stay Daddy's Little Girl forever, it is up the the Daddy to steer them towards emotional and physical independence. For some reason, your BF has not done that and seems to have no intention of doing so.

That was the most important trip of your life.

He gets everything (but sex) from his daughter, and there's nothing left for you. There's a reason their interactions made you nauseous--listen to what your gut is telling you. I wonder if your SO even notices her unnatural attachment to him, or if he likes the attention and competition? I wonder if little miss Electra competed with her own mother, too?

I'd be taking myself right OUT of that competition. My adult SD competes for her father's attention too, but nothing like what you describe. But my DH and I had a conversation about boundaries, and it's pretty much worked out ok.

This is your SO's problem to solve, and if he won't, move on. It doesn't get better.

All the advice given is spot on.  Don't walk...run...flee from this emotionally incestious relationship.   Your gut is telling you what your brain already knows...this man can't ever have a normal relationship because he's got a mini wife and he enjoys it.  Sure he wants you there for the sexual aspect, but that's all. 

Read all the wise advice.  I'm creeped out.

Ugh.  My SO and his daughter were like that.  I remember standing BEHIND them in line at the school play.  They were of course side by side like a married couple flirting and poking at each other.  My SO had a look on his face like wow, people are looking at us because I have such a close and special relationship with my daughter.  I told him that people were staring because it looked like incest and I never want to be in public with them again.  He was mortified, accused me of just being jealous.  I think we actually broke up for awhile...this was many many years ago.  I pointed out all the stupid shit she'd do...have a bikini top on, bending over in front of him saying daddy look!!!, pointing out a make believe boo boo that was literally an inch from her crotch, etc etc.  He finally got it but was literally at a loss what to do about it.  He blindly obeyed her.  I literally asked him, "do you want to f*ck your daughter because that's what it looks like. 

I would steer waaaaay clear of a relationship with a man who has a mini-wife.  Even if she's not there for most of the year NOW, she will likely be back when she graduates, and you will be the competition.  Sadly, it's most likely a competition you can't win and shouldn't need to be involved in in the first place.  Don't put yourself through that.  Consider yourself lucky that you saw this dysfunction now before you moved in with him.

She might grow up once she gets a husband of her own.  The problem is, do you really want to take that risk to see if she does?  There is no way I would continue a serious relationship with a guy that treats me like I don't exist whenever his daughter is around.  
 

I am married to one like that, but the mini-wife in my life didn't appear until after we were married and after she became divorced and wanted daddy back.  She's now 40 years old, still single, and It's been a tug of war ever since.    Many times I have felt sick to my stomach, like every time he goes to hide with the phone whenever she calls.  It's a creepy "other woman" feeling that my instincts tell me isn't normal.   Trust your instincts and be glad you found out before it was too late.  

... yuck.

This is only going to get worse. If you need further explanation, read here about all the women suffering in marriages to men  who have mini wives in their 20s and older. I wouldn't even bother trying to discuss this with your SO. He sounds like a complete oaf, and it will take you years to talk some sense into him, if that's even possible. This relationship is somewhere between unsalvageable and not worth saving. Just leave, now.

He already has a wife and that's his daughter. Ask you own daughter how she feels about the SD and her actions. Hell I wouldn't even bother with that, if you have any of your stuff at his house, pack it and go back home. Find another man that doesn't have a mini-wife. your life will be hell if you don't.

Yeah to all the above advice.

Your story is sickening. I bet you daughter is repulsed too

He's NOT a wonderful man. He's a guy who doesn't understand boundaries and failed to correct his daughter at crucial points in her emotional and sexual development because it served him not to. Oh, the stories his ex could probably tell you of being the third wheel in their marriage. 

Your gut is warning you that something is wrong, but you fail to understand just how deeply wrong things are. Emotional incest/enmeshment isn't widely known about, but it's a type of dysfunction that people post about here fairly often.

Because this guy is already getting many of his emotional needs met by his daughter (ick), he'll never be fully available for you. Men like this want a woman for sex, adult companionship, financial contribution etc. But due to the sickness he shares with his daughter, he doesn't understand that no emotionally healthy woman will settle for such an arrangement. He'll expect your all, but never give his because it's already spoken for.

You should also consider the fact that this will likely never end. Enmeshment doesn't resolve on its own; even if your bf saw the light, got into therapy and started putting up some healthy boundaries, his daughter will still be stunted, damaged, and a continuous challenge to any relationship her father tries to have. She's hardbroke, and he made her that way.

There are some situations where the only thing you can do is recognize things are FUBAR and back away. I'm telling you this because I watched it play out in my DH's family. His father was enmeshed with his sisters, spoiling them while holding DH to higher standards. One of my DH's sisters died in October. She was enmeshed with their father for the majority of her life, and never learned how to be self sufficient because Daddee always bailed her out. He died almost broke from spoiling her, and the last decade of SIL's life was filled with difficulty and pain because she literally did not know how to take care of herself. The enmeshment continued despite SIL's four marriages and multiple boyfriends, too. So, please extricate yourself and move on to something healthier. This guy is damaged goods.

Ughhhh....I needed to come back and say to you, LEAVE this idiot with his mini wife and cut loose now.

How embarrassing and humiliating their behavior at the theme parks and on the plane, must have been for you.

All he wants you for is sex and adult companionship when Pwincess is away at college....but as he's already shown you many times, as soon as she's back, you are less than nothing in his eyes.

Ughh, just ughhh!

I agree with the ‘run’ statement. 

A man who carries on with his daughter like that is NOT wonderful in any way. I'd drop him like a hot brick. 

I'd love to hear your daughter's opinion of their Disney performance.

One more thing ... his daughter will also compete with YOUR daughter. My SD and my DD tried to be friends, and it was a sweet gesture toward DH and me. But my SD couldn't STAND it when her dad paid any attention at all to my DD. And if my DD didn't do what SD said, there was stomping and grumping. You think I'm talking about a child, but, no, these girls were in their 20s at the time, and SD married.

It finally blew up AT DD's WEDDING when SD didn't like some of the wedding plans or something. I still don't know what happened exactly, other than my beautiful daughter was in tears that SD had once again turned an event into the SD Show (or, more appropriately, the SD sh!t show). I do know that DH was appalled and laid into SD about it. Last I heard, SD wasn't "ready to apologize" when DH asked her to, and that was a few years ago. I also learned, later, that SD was upset with ME because I didn't ask SD to help with any of the planning. (That would be a hard no.) Now the girls don't speak and we arrange our time with them separately, and it's better that way for everybody, including DH. My DD was so afraid that I would be disappointed. Oh, hell no.

Anyway. I wanted you to be aware that this affects not only you, but your DD as well. Your SO is SD's property and nobody else will ever be allowed to get his time or attention, and if they do there will be consequences. Please don't bring this mess into your DD's life.

Agree with everyone, DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.  You need to stop and have some frank conversations with BF first about his daughter's behavior, and tell him he needs to take the lead on establishing healthy boundaries.  Otherwise how can the two of you be a couple?

She will not grow out of it (no normal 19 year old does this) and the enmeshment will grow worse.  Also, don't even consider moving in together until both of you have decided what age is appropriate for your adult children to live independently post-college, what circumstances and conditions would be required to have them move back into a home you share together and for how long.  Otherwise SD will just return home to live with her dad after college and make your life miserable.  You need to learn now whether he is able to change and set/maintain boundaries - or cut him loose.

Lastly - you also both need to have a frank conversation that your two daughters may not grow close and you should not force them too.  No more 'family' trips, in other words.

He has made his daughter into a full-blown mini-wife, knowingly or not. Don't move in with him and don't continue dating him either. You will continue to be his 2nd girlfriend. Gross. 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

nope just nope.

Thank GOD you didnt move in or marry this guy.

on this site is going to tell you that you can work this out. You can't. The behaviour you described is beyond creepy. Even if your SO hated it, he'd have a hard time changing it and putting up boundaries. Since he seems to enjoy it, it's not going to change just because you ask him to. He either doesn't see how unhealthy this is for everyone involved, or he just doesn't care. And I'm guessing that if he continues to enjoy this type of relationship with his daughter, he's going to become less and less attractive you in every way. Don't move in, tell him he has problems to solve, and he can always call you after he gets that all worked out. Hope your daughter has a very clear opinion on how terrible this is; hope she didn't get the impression that any of that was OK.

To be honest, I would have lost my shit after the first day at the theme parks, and called him out on their inappropriate behavior. Then taken my daughter and got the first flight out of there.

This is my third post in this thread lol, but I'm still shaking my head at everything you described. 

My exes daughter is very clingy and possessive, but I never saw her doing what you have described. Although, when I was over there, she would text him from upstairs, asking if they could watch their favorite soap on TV now, or go out shopping, or to the gym, or whatever...

We went to a family wedding, and she was glued to his side the whole time

If we had a hot tub and me and hubby were cudlling at the tv and stepdaughter comes all clingy asking to be in the hot tub, my husband would be grossed out. 

now me and hubby in the hot tub for sexy time is more his taste!!

mini wive sd's never grow up until their balless daddies set up healthy boundaries 

december 2019 my husband told off his then 24yr old daughter she was not the mother of our kids and had no right to even answer me back regarding the parenting of our kids. What i say goes and my husband told her he 100% support my decision because i am the resident expert on kids, not her and that she better accept her position as his daughter is not the same as me "his wife".

cue in the sulking 1 yr on, but i'm so proud hubby clarified those boundaries for her. No doubt she reported back to biomum that their manipulative ploys are falling on deaf ears

She might move back in at some point, maybe after college.  

They are totally disrespecting you without care or empathy for your feelings.  Emotional incest for sure. It's a fine line to become physical incest. Would you stay with him if he and sd WERE sexually involved? Emotionally they are.

One of mt sd 23 lived with my dh when we married n I moved in. All was well at first. But sd always dressed skimpily around her dad, left thongs laying around, acted like dh and her were a team/married. She always wore tiny tshirts with her nipples sticking out, etc. Like a whore.

Dh kicked her out and is having boundaries.  He is guilty of confiding in her which is emotional incest, but we are studying emotional incest and he is breaking away from her charms n telling her to grow up, etc.

She is toxic and I believe a narcissist (always a victim, malicious, etc). I will never see her or be around her in my life. Dh saved our marriage by having boundaries with his kids AND ex wife. 

Like someone already said, this is not normal behavior or closeness. When a parent abuses the chikd by making them their confidant, the chikd feels special n bonded with that parent in an unhealthy way. These sds who act out sexually toward their dads are sick n need help or they won't change. They may be beyond help like my sd, as there is no cure for a narcissist. 

In my opinion, take it as you will, I would slow down a little and observe. Research emotional incest and talk to your SO about it. If he doesn't listen, then the current behavior may never change. No matter how wonderful he is when sd isnt around, the disrespect he shows you when sd is around says a lot about how he feels about you.

IF sd ever were to move in with him, your life will be hell on wheels unless he stops the incestuous behavior...

It is not worth it. I would go farther to say he probably wishes he could have sex with his daughter, but since he cannot you become useful. I do not mean to sound harsh, I also hope I am wrong. For me, that was/is the case.

It is icky and f*cking twisted and sick. You can do so much better.

Dont move in, dont date him. You can TRY all the conversations. MAYBE he isnt seeing it.

But chances are he will gaslight you and tell you that you are just jealous. That you are just picking on her.

IM curious about your DD's thoughts? What was/were HER reactions?

You know the truth:  He's screwing/abusing his daughter in plain sight.  Dump his ass immediately if you haven't already. Here's to finding a real man in 2021!