Bf drove to see skids after 2 years
My bf is on his way back from seeing the skids. He was trying to find out why they do not want to come and stay with us. They didn't want to talk about it, only to say they only want to see him alone.
I'm so hurt and upset. He got a card and present from them. Card only to him. After 7 years of being in their lives I don't know what to do or say.
Heartbroken.
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OP, don't take it personally.
OP, don't take it personally. The kids would undoubtedly love you if their mother allowed it - she won't. As much as it hurts, it says nothing about you and everything about her, that she can't allow her kids to have a loving stepmother in their lives.
Your husband is not helping matters by going along with her extortion via the kids.
Focus on those in your life who are there for you.
I will go on next visit
We have decided I will go down with him next time. He will drop me off somewhere and then we'll all meet up. She cannot dictate who his children are around, especially as I've been in their lives all this time.
He also needs to file in
He also needs to file in court for her to follow the order. Obviously the kids DO want to see him, and it's not up to them to decide when and where, that's the court's decision.
Is giving BM the finger worth it?
OP, please consider carefully before doing this. Do you really want to offer yourself up for more rejection? Do you want to put the skids in the middle, making them co-conspirators and subjecting them to BM's wrath without giving them a choice? And consider that the skids will likely tell their mom you were there, which will only escalate things.
Court order breached
The court order was breached. He will not go back to court. Skids are 14 and 12 now.
Honestly, if I were in your
Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I'd tell him to go ahead and see his kids without me. But I'd separate our money so I wasn't paying for the hotels and meals he's providing them because he's so afraid of BM. I'd also expect that none of my money was spent on gifts or anything else for the kids.
My friend, it's with sad
My friend, it's with sad heart I tell you court orders are equivocal to toilet paper...it's just a piece of paper with a fancy name scribbled at the bottom of it that someone paid dearly for...enforcing contempt at the age these kids are is a losing battle.
Your BF is playing into this
You and your life is much better with out making SK take up space in your head. So they don't want to know you. So what. Not your kids. They mean nothing to you. Disengage from them. No gifts. No nothing. Like they don't exist.
Let your BF handle it. Think of the kid free vacation, trips, you will have. There is nothing you can actually do.
My resentment doesn't want me
My resentment doesn't want me to allow her to get away with controlling him, and when she says "jump", he says " how high?"
That's on him, she can only
That's on him, she can only get away with what he allows.
You win when you don't play
You win when you don't play First Family Games. You lose when you allow their dysfunction to affect you.
A couple of times the skids
A couple of times the skids asked to see DH alone. He replied to them anything they wanted to say to him could be said in front of me. He gave them no choice.
This is partly as he was well aware that the request had come via BM as she tried to manipulate them and him.
has he not seen his kids
in 2 years?? Why not? (sorry I don't know your story).
In any case, if BM is calling the shots, it seems like this situation won't be getting any easier. I hope he can share more when he gets home from this visit.
Had a HUGE fight
I said he needs to go for a breach of the court order. They made it clear they only want to see him, and not me, on their territory. They will not come to stay. BM is behind all of this.
Again
You have a BF problem as he is a "cake eater." Your best bet is to exit, otherwise you need to disengage. Separate finances and remember they are not your kids!
Choose PEACE.
I'm so sorry, fighting is so upsetting and draining. But I'm going to be blunt and share what I know after thirty years of this nonsense.
WHY do you want to spend a ton of money to fight? What would you get if you won? Seriously, please think long and hard about that. Even if you win and BM has to let the skids visit, thanks to alienation they may never change their stance against you. You are, after all, "just Dad's girlfriend". Why spend money just to be poorly treated in your own home by damaged kids? What kind of prize is that? Why have you allowed yourself to become so emotionally invested in other people's problems?
Many SMs have been consumed with fighting the good fight or "doing the Right Thing" only to find we've actually screwed ourselves. I was once Boudica, doing battle against the Evil BM (tm) for my DH, and you know what I got for all my pains? More pain, in the form of an empty wallet, a guilty nonparenting DH, and a mentally ill SD living in my home. I got caught up in the fight instead of thinking ahead to what my life would be like if we "won".
They don't hand out trophies for girlfriends who martyr themselves at the alter of First Family Divorce Toxicity. You are CHOOSING to get caught up in drama surrounding YOUR BOYFRIEND'S baggage. You care more than he does, which is a sure sign that you need to step back and breathe. But you know what winning REALLY is? Peace. Calm. Loving yourself and practicing self care. Releasing attachment to people and things that only bring pain and aggravation. You win when you prioritize YOU and leave the drama to others.
I don't mean to be cruel, but you are suffering from self-inflicted wounds. Those are NOT your kids, she's NOT your ex, and these are NOT your problems you've taken on. That broken family is on its own journey, and nothing you do is going to change the outcome. Give yourself the gift if Peace for Christmas by letting go and taking some time to decompress. Drama can become an addiction, and it took me about a year to calm down, but my life is SO much better since I chose peace. ((hugs))
I would have a problem with
I would have a problem with my partner travelling to BM's house and sleeping at her house without me (unless i missed something that's what this guy did?) I know that OP can't make her partner enforce boundaries with BM, but that's a tough pill to swallow. It would be great if OP could just not think about it, but could any of you?
I think you're making an
I think you're making an assumption on the sleepover part. She didn't say he slept at BMs...
Maybe. In a previous post she
Maybe. In a previous post she said he would be visiting them in the former marital home and it was several hours away. Then in a subsequent one she said BM bought him gifts and was acting like she wanted him back. I would find those things hard to just ignore.
You are playing their game by
You are playing their game by continuing to spend money in court for the "breach". It's best if you let it go. They are teens, they will easily choose to be with the parent who is less controlling, more easily manipulated/fooled, and indulges them. I understand you are hurt by their rejection but you cannot make people like you or want to spend time with you. If they are asking to see their dad alone and he wants to see them then it's his choice whether he will play their games and go OR draw the line in the sand and say "no, OP is my wife and I will not exclude her". Based on your personality you have two options: try to push your way onto them to make them accept you OR let him have at it and embrace the fact that you don't have to dance to BMs tune. Think about it: on their visits what would YOU gain by being there? Happy memories? Fat chance, a BM who's indoctrinated those kids to this point of refusing visitation bc of you, is the same kind of BM who's going to make sure to ruin whatever plans y'all set up with the kids whether she using alienation or outright harrassment (blowing up their phones). I know which one I would choose because it's obvious which one would cost (mentally, physically, monetarily) me less in the end.
This sounds like a situation
This sounds like a situation where you should cut your losses. You've been in their lives for 7 years (I'm not sure if that includes the years your boyfriend didn't see them), and I'm sure you bought them gifts, did stuff for them, opened your heart to them. Of course it hurts to be rejected after that. But the time, energy and love you've spent on them is water under the bridge. You can't get it back, and trying to force yourself on kids who don't want you around won't do any good. So cut your losses. Accept what you've already lost and don't continue to put yourself out there to be hurt and lose more.
Now, that doesn't mean you can't insist on some boundaries with your boyfriend. You can let him know what YOU need and hold him to that. That might be agreeing not to see BM or hang out in her home to see the kids. It might be financing these visits, gifts, meals, etc. entirely on his own so that none of that falls on you (whether directly or by picking up his slack in your household expenses). It might be his agreement to spend holidays and special occasions with you, not running off to spend them with him, or not leaving you for more than x amount of time. It might be not talking about them to you. If he can't live with your boundaries, then you might want to reconsider the relationship and where you stand in it.
I would not encourage him to go to court. Stay out of that. If it's not important enough to him, or he doesn't want to pay for it, or he doesn't think it'll work, or whatever his reason is, then don't pressure him to do it. Even if a judge makes the kids visit, he can't make them like you or repair any damage that's already been inflicted to your relationship with them by BM. Most SMs I know who encouraged their DH or SO to go to court, get more time, etc. ended up regretting it.
My skids pulled the same kind of crap excluding me and my 2
Kids with hubby (their half siblings)
our 4th wedding anniversary ss20 messaged hubby at work demandin a weeklong trip for him and his sisters during our anniversary weekend. Hubby had said months before he was so busy so we probably would have to celebrate our anniversary during my birthday the following month (no biggie) until hubby immediately after ss20 demanded a luxurious trip with his sisters only for our anniversary weekend while assumedly me and our kids aged 2.5 & 1 stayed home.
all hell rained on hubby that day. Hubby told me to book the accomodation and airline tickets for our anniversary weekend and skids were joining. I told hubby if he ever wanted to use his dic* again on me, never to pull this shit ever again!!
i made it very clear that i was never spending my anniversary or special day of ours being treated as an outsider by feral skids who would rant on and on about biomum and stepdad. Who wants to celebrate their wedding anniversary with that nonsense?? Nobody!!
this exclusion crap is pretty normal, its manipulative skids making daddy choose them over you. Its testing him they're always first. Like "you only can see me when we go for lunch, not with stepmum and half siblings etc" even when their dad wants lunch with all of you together as you are all family to him they won't accept it.