is being a step mom worth it?
I don't want to bore you with the details of my story. But for a quick recap im 28 no children no marriage before from t.o and he was 37 two daughters (13 & 9) from vancouver and it was on and off relationship for a year trying to make it work. Ultimately he felt like i did not put his daughters first and I'd feel bothered in situations where he had to weight out his Ex's opinon (like where we would live, or custody arrangements) I was bothered by the whole ex thing in general to be honest event though their relationship was platonic. Just the idea that we had to take her wants and needs into consideration would bother me. i've read this blog enough to realize that the Ex will always be there to a certain capacity. And i did think about my self more than his daughters in terms of what type of house i would want, or where id want to go on vacation etc. I've never up untill this point of my life had to be responsible for anything or anyone and he'd find me selfish alot of the time for putting my needs before two children.
I'm thinking of trying to make it work with him again, im sure its a mix of low self esteem and attachment. I feel like im getting older and i want to get married. But i guess what i want to ask you all is if you could go back, would you choose to be a step mom? am i living in a fantasy land to think that as time progressses the kids get older and just do their own thing and you and hubby have more time and attention to yourselves? also, when you bring a child into the world with your husband, do you feel like your kids together come last? my family thinks i have a naive outlook on what it would like to be a step mom and a step family. and i guess i want a real dose of reality before consdering to make it work with him again.
In a word, no
If I could go back in time I would not be a step mother. It's just too damned hard. The child I have with my DH always comes last and we are kicked to the curb once more for his older children even at Christmas. It's not too late to escape. Please consider carefully even if your feelings for your partner are strong.
Why do you want to settle for
Why do you want to settle for someone who wants you to treat his kids like princesses and who doesn't have the balls to stand up to his ex?!
Don't get sucked into this, you have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you throw it all away for someone who's only looking for a replacement mother to do his job as a parent?
Why settle for someone who just wants to use you. You deserve so much better...
It's not worth it. Plain and
It's not worth it. Plain and simple. If I could go back I absolutely would not date/marry a man who had a child from a previous relationship. It has been on and off trouble from basically the start. I love my husband dearly but I am exhausted of this life and want no part of it anymore. You're still young and have no children yet. You still have time to find someone else. From experience it only gets worse not better.
Mature SM here
I'm 76 and the SM and BM of 5. There have been MANY days when I've regretted being a SM but none whem I've regretted being DH's wife. Our kids are close in age, 6 years from oldest to youngest so we had an intense first 10 years then they each launched. For about the last 30 years, we have been kid-free except for short "move-backs".
I was very naive going into it, had no clue about the dramatic dynamics, hostile BM and all the rest. Counseling and going back to work full-time were my saviors.
Now, DH is 83, I'm 76 and we love every day. We each realize how our days together are drawing to a close. But we still enjoy each other, he still makes me laugh, he's still my fave person. The kid days are a memory now, we often wonder how we got thru it.
We don't have a bio child so I can't speak to that issue. I think your other questions revolve around how much you enjoy DH. Is he worth putting up with the SK issues while you wait for your golden years?
Good luck
Reading about how in love you
Reading about how in love you both are really made me so happy inside. If i am being honest, he is the person i would imgaine my self growing old with as well. I do think he is worth putting up with SK issues, but I dont think he sees me in the same light. He has alot of issues with how i communicate and think and act and he has ended the relationship many times beacuse of it. perhaps i dont fully have the emotionally maturity to handle the situation but he has alot of hesitations in being with me.
It’s not worth it at all
You will spend time, money, give up lifelong dreams. For what ? SK will look at you like scum. Everything will be your fault. SO will blame you for him not having his Happy Family. Like him and BM did not screw that one up.
He will always side with his kids. Always have bond with BM .... had kids with her.
Vacations will be he*l , holidays will be controll by SK and BM. Always a need for more money. Cars, college, insurance, weddings , house.
How are you going to feel when SK had a better wedding then you. That you are paying for BM family and friends to eat and drink on you. You get BM looks great at her kids wedding. She knows how to have a great wedding, what you are paying got.
At your age, you can still
At your age, you can still find a man who is unencumbered by brats.
I am going to say yes if your
I am going to say yes if your DH will be willing to put you first.
NO. Go back and read your
NO. Go back and read your other post. I would kindly suggest therapy to see why you would be willing to put up with scraps and being last place in someone's life.
Agree with this 100%
I wish more people would understand their WORTH. They deserve so much better than to put up with this type of crap.
I was involved with a man that had a 6 year old son. kinda wasted 3 years of my life, but learned that the step mom life/blending life is NOT for me!
I'm a career gal working in Fashion, chasing my dreams and making life happen for me. I'm becoming the person I want to date. In order to find that "ONE" you gotta become the "ONE"
Cheers to 2021 and hoping I get a fashion job in Paris!
Nope. This was my situation
Nope. This was my situation exactly...except add a third kid (a son). Me...in my 20s, childless, naive and idealistic...him 10 years older, strapped with 3 kids and a mountain of debt in the form of CS.
I love my DH and we have a good life now that the skids are grown and we're out from under his CS obligation...but if I could go back in time I'd never do it again. It's just too unequal between a childless woman and a divorced dad for there to be a solid foundation.
NO!
Do not do this. I was childless and married for ten years. He said he wanted more children with me. He went back on that. I wasted ten years with a liar who had a mini wife who he thought was perfection.
Find a single man with no kids and enjoy life. I learned the hard way. You dont have to, all you have to do is read on here.
Its way easier to love a man with NO ex wife and kids than to love a man with the baggage.
Build a happy life of firsts DANG it !
Same.
Same.
Was going to say...asking if any yours kids will "come last" to this guy is SUPER naive. My DH talked ours kids the whole time we were dating, dropped it like a hot potato when we married.
Unfortunately it's a common story. OP is just as likely to waste her fertile years and end up childless.
Dang
I was so angry reading this post I posted twice LOL
Nope
Just a solid NO WAY.
Being single at your age during COVID must be really difficult, but absolutely do NOT settle for less than incredible simply because its time for you to "settle down and start your own family".
If I were you I would seek therapy. Do not go back into that world. You will resent him. You will resent kiddos.
Start fresh with new guy with no kiddos. I promise you will be so much happier!
Stepparenting is worth it if
Stepparenting is worth it if the situation is right. Your situation is not that. If he still thinks that his ex or his children are the upmost important thing to be considered then he is not ready to move on. He is still emotionally entangled with the life he was living before. You dont want to be dragged into that.
I'll tell you like I tell any of my friends and family who have ever considered getting serious with someone with a child and a living Ex--Walk away. It's not worth the drama and it will leave you feeling less than and crazy and bitter all at the same time. I got very lucky for living the steplife I live with minimal interuptions but I was the exception to the rule as proven here.
If I was young and childless,
If I was young and childless, it would be a definite no on entering into stepparenthood.
As a divorced woman with a child who doesn't plan on having any more children. The only thing I would have changed was cohabitating. I would have been much happier seeing SO every other week when SKs were with BM and perhaps doing things together once in a while with the kids. I miss my easy going non chaotic life and being the place SO would come to seek peace and refuge from his ferrel children.
It pains me to say this, but
It pains me to say this, but NO.
I was single, childless and 29 when I met my DH. If only I could go back in time. But I can't. So now I'm 40, and things are still just as bad with SK. I don't even see him much, and he's never lived with us. But he still manages to cause dramas, and DH will never stop siding with him, putting him first and spoiling him. I would leave tomorrow, but it's hard, as we have an 'ours' baby. And a house, and a dog. And I will never be 100% free of SS now, as he will want to see my baby regularly now.
put yourself first
Please put yourself first in this situation. Believe me when I say I know how hard it is to be torn between staying, or walking away. In all honesty, I do not know a single woman who would say 'YES being a step-mum is my dream come true!' because nearly all of the time it comes with a lot of stress and hassle that we, as step-mothers, do not deserve. You need to put yourself first, try to work on your self-esteem issues (right there with you on that one! I also suffer with chronically low self esteem
) and ultimately put your happiness before anyone elses. It seems by now that its obvious this man will never put you first or hold you in equal importance to his children, and please believe me when I say that you deserve better than that! You're still so young and have so much life ahead of you to get married and have children of your own and you deserve to look back at your life in 50 years and know that you had the happiest one possible!
In your situation
Every relationship is different. In your situation I would say no, it is not worth it. He expects you to put HIS kids first? Um, no. You're still young yet. End things with this dude. He should be putting you first and he isn't doing that. He is instead putting his ex and kids first. Could he change? Sure, he could, if he wanted to and got into counseling. So far he isn't doing that. You deserve better. Actually, he isn't putting the ex and kids first either. He's putting himself first, doing whatever is easier for HIM, which is making the ex and kids happy. Unless and until that changes, you two will continue in this pattern. Break the cycle. Find happiness with a man who truly loves and values you.
thank you
I really appreciate you all for your supportive words. Honestly, I really do struggle with low self esteem, and always felt like i needed to make it work with him and wanted him to be happy with me. There were many times in the relationship where he put me first in terms of time spent together and attention, but he would often feel overwhelmed with juggling between my needs and his daughters needs.
There was one time where I was in BC and had my own place there and was staying a couple days at his place because i wasnt feeling well. his daughter wanted to spend the day with me because she had the day off and I wanted to go back to my place and just freshen up be in my own space. He asked if i wanted to spend the day with her and i kindly and honestly replied i rather go downtown back to my place, im just not up for the responsbility of taking care of her all day. he got short, and replied, well you dont have to do much, shell make her own food and shell sit there and watch tv. but I said yeah but if something happens to her or i want to go do my own thing i'm going to have to watch her and i'm just not up for it. He got so withdrawn for that entire day, barely spoke to me. I ended up coming back that evening went shopping got them clothes and himand taking his daughters out to eat and getting them games and he still was so quiet and said to me well you were just trying to buy them and me off with gifts. He was quiet and put off for a couple days (which is very off putting cause hes normally a very very affectionate person) after that untill he told me that was bothering him building up this scenerio in his head that i cant handle responsbility and i simply said, dude i was sick and just wanted alone time. I didnt say anything then, but honestly looking back it really feels so punitive for him to do that and withdraw from his emotions. Sometimes its good for me to write these things out and get everyones perspeective. I am not too close with my family in that way so its really helpful to hear from all you and your guidance and support. I really just wanted to be in a realtionship where there was fun, love and affection. And i got that, but it felt conditional.
“...trying to make it work with him again...
It didn't work the first time. What makes you think it can work this time? Did his XW and their failed family progeny expire in a fortuitous cruise ship disaster or some other event?
If not the likely sequence of events on a do over with this guy will be remarkably like the last time.
If he didn't care enough to make you his priority the first time what makes you think once GSkids show up and his XW becomes a GrandHag that she will not leverage both her spawn and grand spawn to make your life a living hell and as tools to lead you SO around by his nose and surplant you as his priority again?
If your goal is marriage, make a change that will expand and upgrade your husband candidate pool rather than fishing in the same shallow and polluted gene pool you tried before.
Good luck and be good to you.