Morning All,

Just feeling guilty this morning... I feel like I'm just adding to DH's stress level and not being supportive. I KNOW my no-longer existent relationship with SD18 has caused some strain in our marriage. I'm guessing many of you can relate. When she's not here everything is usually great between us but when she's here my entire energy changes... I'm nervous, irritable and just all around not myself. Whether she's in a good mood or a bad mood I'm just as unhappy. I admit I'm a person who can hold a grudge. I can't forget about the selfish and intentional things she did over the last few years to cause trouble in my marriage and a couple of really big things that we're never addressed on my end or apologized for on hers.

Anyways... it's just hard. My DH knows I hate his daughter. I never wanted it to be this way. I met her when she was 12 and I worked SO hard to get this kid to like me... and then finally she did! From 14 to almost 16 she was like my shadow. We did so much together. I took her shopping, pedicures, movies, amusement parks. I picked her up from after school activities and brought her to her friends houses. I dropped her off on first dates and was there for her during first break-ups. But then things changed dramatically.

When DH and I first got engaged everything was still great and she seemed so happy! But it was shortly after that time that things went downhill. BM went even more psycho bi#$h on DH and stirred up all sorts of crap. Knowingly or not SD was her little pawn who played into so much of the drama. Constantly bringing the "mom" topic into her home and lives. But it was really when BM claimed to be an alcoholic (honestly totally bull- this was a pathetic cry for attention. she is NOT an alcoholic) and just had to go away for 3 months to rehab. My SD was a NIGHTMARE during those months. This should have been a happy time in our lives... planning our small wedding and honeymoon. But nope- SD wouldn't allow it. It was always "DH isn't doing enough to help BM during her time of need" and "I don't allow DH to help BM so it's my fault". I honestly reconsidered my entire life choices during this time as I didn't know if I could have this person in my life forever.

Things got better shortly thereafter but then there was her behavior that completely spoiled our wedding day and that was the end for me. Too long of a story to get into at the moment. I hated her from that day on. That was 2 1/2 years ago. I can't get over it. Just the sound of her voice annoys me now. I've talked to therapists, read books, REALLY tried to change my feelings. But the problem is she's still a selfish, immature, nasty little brat. Everything is on her terms and if she doesn't get her way- watch out. She's just plain and simply a bi#$h.

I tell my DH that by not calling her out or holding her accountable when she's wrong or rude it's only shaping her to be a bad person down the road. But DH really does have a ton of stress on his plate due to an entire family of issues and tends to just want to keep the peace and doesn't parent her. Now she's 18- almost 19 and I just hate the person she is and is becoming.

She's been home from college for a few weeks now and leaves in less than a week thank god but she'll be back. She was supposed to split up her time between our house and her precious mother's but that has happened as I mentioned in my last blog. I really try my best to just deal with her when she's here and not complain to my DH about her but I fail at that every time.

Right now between the incredible expense of repairing the used car he bought princess for X-MAS (which to be clear I was on board with- it gets her OUT of my house) and his Father being hospitalized last night for breathing issues he's super stressed out. Up until yesterday (because of course she had to be nice and speak to Dh to get her car back) SD was being a complete nightmare. Was pissed at DH so decided not to speak a word for nearly 2 days and make everyone uncomfortable. Then she gets the car back and she's all laughy and happy. He just goes with it and it pisses me off so bad. But when I said something he got really upset and told me he just needs me to supportive right now.

UGH- I have so many mixed emotions and selfishly I feel sorry for myself today too. I know I willingly chose this situation but of course in a perfect world I'd have him and she wouldn't exist. In a few years she's graduated college and on her own and our plan is to buy a home down south to move to permanently in the next probably 5-10 years things will be a lot better. I'll only have to deal with the occasional visits. Until then- at least I get a few months off in between which does help a lot. I just wish so much that things were different but how do I change how I feel? How do you force yourself not to despise someone?

My husband is a great husband and he's a loving Father... but I just don't think he's done a good job of teaching (or enforcing) the rules, manners, or punishing her when she was younger and deserved it. Now it might just be too late.

Going to do my best to just hang in there the next few days and try to be supportive especially with my Father-in-Law's health situation. No idea what's going on but hope to find out more today. Thanks all for listening- I just needed to clear my mind this morning.