Ste
I have a question. I'm in a committed relationship with a man that has two married children. At times, his children have completely excluded me and then said they didn't mean too. For instance, they asked if they could have a wedding shower at our house for the youngest daughter last year. I didn't know i wasn't going to be invited. He said yes and they didn't invite me, but his ex wife was walking in my house that i helped pay for. Pictures all over social media with her in my house. I was livid. Now, daughter has asked for a baby shower for her cousin and a birthday party for the grand baby. My problem is that we will not be in town for the birthday party and he told his daughter she could have it anyway. I am not there yet with his ex wife being at my house when I'm not there. That is my haven, my comfort zone. I'm not saying that I will not eventually get there, but I'm not yet. He thinks nothing of it and whatever his kids want, they get. Im asking either wait until we are back from vacation or have it some other place. Am I asking too much. I will be at the wedding shower, and the ex will not be invited to it. It is the other side of the family.
You have every right to not
You have every right to not want the ex in your home. You also have every right to not want anyone using your home like a banquet hall that they can "rent out" for free.
No way in hell would I allow
No way in hell would I allow the boys to use the home I help pay for - MY home - to host events that I could be invited to but don't get invited to.
Does your DH not see how absolutely disrespectful it is to you for his daughter to throw an event IN YOUR HOME that you aren't invited to, but his ex-wife is?! If not, I'd reconsider if he is worth being disrespected for.
Ask him how he'd feel if
Ask him how he'd feel if total strangers (as they are for you) were wandering through his home, opening drawers, closets, touching his belongings while he was either banned from the house or away on vacation...
He should have put his foot down the first time! OK, so he wanted to let his daughter have her shower in your home but you should never have been excluded. Has he NO respect for you?
WTF? Hell to the no. They had
WTF? Hell to the no. They had a party at YOUR HOUSE and didn't invite you? How can he possibly think that's okay?
You need to have it out with your enabling husband. There is no reason you need to "get there" whatsoever. If they don't want you to be at their party, they are not holding it in your damn house. They can hold it at BM's home.
I'm furious for you. I wouldn't tolerate that crap for a minute from my DH. If he won't do it, contact his daughter and let her know she can't hold the party in your house. Stand up for yourself, he's not going to.
Your SO doesn't sound like he
Your SO doesn't sound like he has a lot of respect for you. He allowed his kids to throw a party in your home to which you were not invited but his ex was???? I would have turned 4 shades of purple and exploded on him. He is a problem, and you need to make that very clear to him. Men are sometimes clueless about these things, but even my DH, who is right up there in the clueless man department, would understand how completely and totally unacceptable that was. He probably wouldn't understand why the party when you're out of town was a problem, but I think all the rest of us can. You need a come to Jesus talk with your SO before this gets completely unbearable.
BTW, I don't believe for a minute that his kids' slights of you are unintentional.
Seriously. And mine would
Seriously. And mine would definitely understand because I'd also turn 4 shades of purple.
Of course, my DH wouldn't allow BM to put her toe on our front porch, so this would never be an issue.
He will call me selfish for
He will call me selfish for not wanting the party at the house while we are gone. I wished he could see from my perspective.
Turn it around on him - tell
Turn it around on him - tell him he's selfish to allow his daughters to treat you poorly just to avoid a confrontation with them.
Seriously? He wants you to
Seriously? He wants you to let total strangers treat YOUR home like a hotel? And what happens if things are stolen? Broken? Who cleans up? If I were you, I'd be talking to a divorce lawyer.
If he persists, just before I left, I'd call the police and let them know that we'd be gone and that we were worried about break-ins ... And don't tell your idiot husband.
How on earth does he expect you to go on vacation and relax while you know that there are strangers treating your home like a public Hall. I hope to hell that you can lock your bedroom before you leave.
Who the F lets people use their home without being there? What is WRONG with him?!? Breakages? Cleaning? Insurance? Limited areas? Is he intellectually challenged or what?
OMg, this makes me so ANGRY!
I agree with you completely.
I agree with you completely. I grew up and certain areas you just didn't go into when you visited unless asked.. For example, like master bedrooms. They go over the entire house. He is going to say that it is just family and close friends and those people aren't going to steal. I don't care if it is family or not. I personally wouldn't want my child having a party without me there. My biggest issue is the ex wife at my house. I do not like it. This will be twice that she has been at my house when I'm not there. I think his daughter should not put me in that situation by asking. She wasn't ready for me to be in any pictures with family at Christmas nor for me to be around the grand babies when we were just starting to date. He respected their decision. He didn't like it but he respected it. Now, I'm not ready to have his ex at our house yet. However, he will not respect my decision. We will be going back to counseling.
You say you're not ready to
You say you're not ready to have the ex wife at your house "yet", like it's your goal to have her over. I'm afraid this guy and his adult daughters are gaslighting you, making you think there's something wrong with your feelings. There isn't. You knew something wasn't right, that's how you got to this site. That is your home. You aren't obligated to allow any of this!
They didn't mean to exclude
They didn't mean to exclude you when they didn't invite you to a shower at your house! Bull!!!
A birthday party at your house while you are both out of town. No way! I'd be tempted to have the locksmith change the locks before we left.
They did mean to do it. At
They did mean to do it. At the daughter's wedding, she wouldn't allow me to sif beside him. She put her mother and then didn't want me in any pictures. I understood for the professional family pictures but not the reception pictures. He let her have it and then felt bad that he made her cry at her wedding. Her wedding...So I look at it as my house not their house. Then at Christmas, the oldest took a bunch of pictures. He asked me to change clothes so he and I could take a picture. ( I had just had breast reconstruction from breast cancer a few years ago) . His oldest took the pictures. He posted all the pictures on FB. The next day his daughter posted all the pics but took out one picture. The only one of me in the pictures. She told him that she didn't mean anything by it. SMH
Yeah, this SD has a lot of
Yeah, this SD has a lot of nerve. Based on her history, she is not a "friend of your marriage." She will need to be kept in check.
He says it will take time for
He says it will take time for them to come around so I need to turn the cheek. I'm tired of turning the cheek. He needs to put his foot down and show some respect for me. I'm tired of hearing...those are MY girls. I get that but regardless he should still show respect for me and they should also.
With how dug in he is on his
With how dug in he is on his needs being more important that yours, and the level of disrespect he allows them to show you, I'd suggest marriage counseling. He sounds like a very selfish person who is projecting the selfishness onto you.
Update
Well, I just tried to discuss it and he says he doesn't understand that if we are not here why it should matter if his ex is at our house. I explained that this is my safe haven, my house, my nest.....I do not feel comfortable that your ex will be in my house with me not here. I am not there yet. I'm not saying that I will not ever be... But I am not there now. He replied that if he goes to his daughter now, it will make her mad because I do not want her mother at my house. I explained that his daughter will have to respect my wishes because I have had to turn the other cheek many many times and respected her wishes. It is not a one way street. He still acts like I'm crazy and why in the world would I have an issue with it.
Please don't give in on this.
Please don't give in on this. He is gaslighting you BIGTIME! You are absolutely right in what you're asking and any decent person would know that. Why is he so hellbent on being his ex's doormat? I am stunned that he will let out your home to someone who doesn't live there (his daughter) for somebody else (the cousin)! And all that while neither of you are there?! WTF?!
Seriously, this would be a deal-breaker for me.
Stick to your guns! Keep
Stick to your guns! Keep reinforcing to him that it is half YOUR house, and nothing happens in that house unless you both agree to it.
If he is still trying to turn it around and say you are overreacting bla bla whatever, then don't go away with him. I wouldn't! Stuff him, I would rather stay home and protect MY asset!
"I would rather stay home and
"I would rather stay home and protect MY asset!"
Me too!
ughhh, and about boundaries
ughhh, and about boundaries too....my exes mini wife has no idea what they mean.
She goes into his bedroom, goes through drawers, looks on the dressing table etc...zero respect.
We were brought up to respect other people's spaces - no way would I ever have gone into my parents room and snooped around!!!
I would burn my house down
I would burn my house down before I'd let BM or her spawn adult daughter slouch through my door, lol.
This isn't about your stepdaughter or the Ex wife as much as your husband. And your own lack of self-esteem, of course.
Been there, got the t-shirt. I know how you feel. And let me add that the "turn the other cheek" stuff is total and complete BS. I bet YOU turning YOUR cheek works out great for your husband.
Again, HE is the problem, not SD or ex-wife, although I am sure those women are enjoying a good laugh at your expense. HE is the one deciding that your feelings don't matter.
You sound like you are worried he will be angry if you say no to this "first" family horse hockey. Maybe counseling would help you find your voice? You need to shut this down. It's your home too dear.
I did not give in. I told him
I did not give in. I told him that this was not ok. I gave him many examples of respecting daughter's decision and just because she was getting closer to accepting me on her terms did not mean that I had to agree to parties, dinners, etc... so she would like me. She definitely wouldn't respect me. I put my foot down and also read a long post on here about birthday parties and ex's and the children making the BD feel bad. It was awesome! He is telling his daughter that she can't have the party here since we will be out of town and that she needs to find another place. He even agreed that he felt uneasy with the party at the house since we will be gone. He still doesn't understand why I have an issue with the ex wife being at our house on birthdays or get together. He said that I knew he didn't love her /want her. His kids knew that and his ex did too. I told him that was beside the point. I did not feel comfortable and my feelings should count. It was about the person that was going to wipe his butt when he got old and not about people that would not be around to do that. He agreed that they wouldn't be there to take care of him. We will be going to counseling.
Ask him how he'd feel if you
Ask him how he'd feel if you invited your ex to roam the house ...
I did. He said he wouldn't
I did. He said he wouldn't have a problem. I said BS.
No way. I'd claim something
No way. I'd claim something valuable was stolen and file a police report. Idiots.
Nope. No access to your home
Nope. No access to your home unless you are there. Baby shower, wedding shower, it makes no difference.
Stop letitng your mate dictate how your home will be used. Your home, your sanctuary, you hold the veto on any activity in the home. DH wants to support this crap, you veto. End of discussion. Of course he can veto any event you want to host in the home as well. This stance should build discussion and joint decisions. You can agree to events in your home with his family, with clear guidelines and you keeping a hairy eyeball on them the whole time. No one can not "invite" you to an event in your own home. I would have been there front and center making it perfectly clear that I could end it at any moment. In fact, I would have pulled DH and his spawn to a corner meeting where I said just that. They would have known that the Sherrif would show up to remove anyone and everyone but my spouse and I from MY property if they so much as twitched out of line.
Stop being the victim regarding how YOUR home is used.
Good luck.
Gawd
Op Id like an update on this blog too!
Hope you stood your ground. I realize this is about 6 months old. Please update