Full-time step mom
So I've seen some post here regarding bio moms being skids actual moms and we will never be moms however I feel the complete opposite. When my husband and I got together I was only 18 years old and my skid was only 2 years old. At the time he didn't have custody of her only visitation. The bio mom was in and out of bad relationships and addicted to drugs along with having some mental health issues however the parents covered for her and usually took care of the kids. When my skid was 4 we went for full custody which was a disater with the bio mom and her parents trying every which way to try to say horrible things about me and my husband and even my children who were at the time 1 and 2. We did our fair share of bashing too. So after dealing with four and trying to locate drugged out bio mom for a year and a half we finally won full custody of my skid. The bio mom was completely out of the picture for five years. Four years ago she decides to get clean but also decides to focus on herself. So last year I guess she decides that she finally wants to call herself mom and be in my daughters life on a more consistent basis. It's really not that consistent but I guess for her it is! So fast forward to now my skid will be 14 next month. So things happened around 2 months ago and my skid had to stay with bio mom for 3 weeks at her parents where she lives as a last resort. We made sure to tell her up front that it wasn't a permanent situation however I guess she thought it was going to be for a year (don't ask me how she got that). She was pissed that she bought a bunk bed even though we have fully supported our daughter for the past 9 years with no help from her. I have made a great effort over the last three years to make an effort to be nice to the bio mom even though I can't stand her and this situation has made everything feel like the old days when I wanted to kick her ass! I know I can't but I still want to! While my daughter was over there her mom was telling my skid that I'm not her mom and that this woman who hasn't done anything for the last 9 years is her mom. I feel so enraged about the situation and I am utterly exhausted from dealing with these people for the past 12 years!
I want to distance myself so badly from these people I told my husband that he can send her and she can stay or she doesn't go over anymore. They are horrible influences on the kid and they have worrisome behaviors! ( mom doesn't have any custody only visitation at our discretion)
Im not sure what more I could possibly do anymore but i cannot stand the manipulative lying bio mom and I have really tried to give an effort for my daughter. I'm not sure how to handle the situation anymore I'm tired of dealing with them (biomom plus her parents), I'm tired of supporting this child without any help from her even though we don't need the money, and I'm tired of this broad feeling like she is entitled to being called this kids mom even though she didn't raise her and hasn't lifted a finger since she was 4. Even before 4 her parents were raising her!
Please
Add paragraph breaks. Many of us read on mobile devices and the wall of text like you have above is too hard to read.
You'll get more responses breaking your entry up into more bite size pieces.
Go through older posts on here about women who raise Skids while BMs run off doing what they do. The SMS bend over backward creating a family life for the Skids, doing everything a mom would do.
Time and time again, the minute BM resurfaces, skids go back to the BMs.
That is why we say you are not the mom and they are not your kid. It's the truth and generally, the kid will prove that, leaving the SM feeling hurt and used.
In amy event, it's your DH who should be standing up as the parent. Supporting him as his partner when you want to and can helps prevent the heart break of being told eventually by the skid that you are not their mom.
Honestly, the more disengaging you can do, the more you will protect yourself when the child eventually goes back. Your DH needs to be doing the vast amount of parenting.
Of course, you might get lucky and your skid might break the trend here. You didn't mention how skid felt about coming back after a few weeks with BM.
How she feels
The skid was begging us to come home and said that her Grammys house is to hectic. She also said that her bio mom acts like a big kid. She was definitely ready to come home even before we picked her back up.
Also she is currently upset because biomom hasn't contacted her since she came back until yesterday. She was upset and called my skid a liar because she said that her sisters and Grammy were badmouthing me and I asked the biomom about it.
I feel like with adoption your the mom regardless of who gave birth and I've been in her life so long and I have been the major person to do most of the parenting during this time but I see what you are saying about the skid always going back to bio mom regardless of what she does.
It's very hurtful each time she does something. I've tried to step back many times over the years but it's been difficult because we have her all the time with the exception of every other weekend.
But - you didn't adopt her,
But - you didn't adopt her, did you? If you did, in that case, you would be the legal mother.
This is a common theme on here - the stepmother who functions as mother for years, only to have the stepkid turn on them in adolescence when the bio mother returns.
Even with kids adopted at birth, there is often a longing to know the bio parent, so it's not surprising she has loyalty to her bio mother, it's a strong bond that's hard to break.
I get that you are upset, but this is the danger of considering someone else's child "your daughter". Seems to me it could be foreseen that she would return at some point and not only want, but have a legal right to, a relationship with HER daughter.
Do distance yourself and stop thinking of her as "your daughter". Sounds like she hasn't turned on you at this point, so keep having a positive relationship with her, but learn to accept that BM is her mother and will likely always affect your lives, even if she's gone.
This is so common
You do everything for SK Then BM finds god. Becomes kids best friend and MOY.
Thay why we always tell new SM. The pit falls of this, giving your time money and energy just to all become your fault
This may be an unpopular
This may be an unpopular opinion. But - if biomom is a bad influence, and has no legal custody, you don't have to give her access. If she truly does just cause chaos, disruption, and poison the kid against you, don't give her the opportunity.
She will go to court and get
She will go to court and get it. And probably joint custody and child support too. They don't have the right to keep her from the kid. He should have terminated her rights when she was gone for 5 years.
Court
Technically we do have a right to keep her from her because she has absolutely no right legal or physical she does have her parental rights but I highly doubt she will go to court. She is currently on methadone treatment and lives with her mother and cannot provide for her. Plus my SD does not want to spend more time with her and we have offered to let her if she felt like she wanted to. However she said she doesn't and has told the BM that several times.
Of course we have always tried to do the right thing and if we didn't suspect it would be a dangerous situation then we let her go every other weekend and a week during summer for vacation. I highly doubt she would go back to court but she might try it.
Its definitely painful situation. I tried to adopt her years ago but BM would need to give over rights and she refused to do so.
It is a hard pill to swallow
It is a hard pill to swallow (I have been right there with you). But you are not her mom. I know how much it hurts to hear. I was a full-time step-mom for almost 4 years. My SD called me Mom, I did all "motherly" duties, I basically raised this child with the help of DH. Took care of school work, bought clothes, did doctor's appointments, set up playdates, decorated her room, did all sorts of bonding activities (vacations, arts & crafts, extracurriculars), etc. You name it, I did it. And without hesitation. SD would say things like "I wish you could be my real mom."
SD always knew of her mother, but they didn't have a relationship. She was constantly moving, couldn't hold a job, in and out of relationships, etc. Literally the day AFTER she found out about me and that DH, myself and SD were all living together. She filed to get custody back. It was purely out of SPITE.
After that, everything changed. BM got 50/50 custody because "she had bettered herself" and "realized she wanted to co-parent". The judge ate it up and believed every single word. The PAS began. A mother/daughter bond is unlike no other. My SD sees no wrong with ANYTHING BM does. She absolutely WORSHIPS her and will do so until the day she dies. Loyalty binds are a real thing. SKs would rather drop SMs at the drop of a hat, than feel like they are betraying their BM. I guess it's just genetics.
You need to take a step back from all of the parenting. DH needs to do that. Believe me, if it turns into a SM vs. BM in your SDs eyes, you will lose. Every single time. Don't set yourself up for a target on your back and nothing but resentment from SD as she gets older. Rip off the band-aid now, so to speak.
It is so sad
It is definitely painful. I love this child so much and it kills me that I need to step back. Many of these situations resonate with me. I just know that the quality of prentice she is receiving from her mother is far less than she deserves. I want to be able to spend this extra energy with my daughters as well so I agree that I need to step back and I am trying to do so. Sometimes it's easier said than done.
It is a hard pill to swallow
It is a hard pill to swallow (I have been right there with you). But you are not her mom. I know how much it hurts to hear. I was a full-time step-mom for almost 4 years. My SD called me Mom, I did all "motherly" duties, I basically raised this child with the help of DH. Took care of school work, bought clothes, did doctor's appointments, set up playdates, decorated her room, did all sorts of bonding activities (vacations, arts & crafts, extracurriculars), etc. You name it, I did it. And without hesitation. SD would say things like "I wish you could be my real mom."
SD always knew of her mother, but they didn't have a relationship. She was constantly moving, couldn't hold a job, in and out of relationships, etc. Literally the day AFTER she found out about me and that DH, myself and SD were all living together. She filed to get custody back. It was purely out of SPITE.
After that, everything changed. BM got 50/50 custody because "she had bettered herself" and "realized she wanted to co-parent". The judge ate it up and believed every single word. The PAS began. A mother/daughter bond is unlike no other. My SD sees no wrong with ANYTHING BM does. She absolutely WORSHIPS her and will do so until the day she dies. Loyalty binds are a real thing. SKs would rather drop SMs at the drop of a hat, than feel like they are betraying their BM. I guess it's just genetics.
You need to take a step back from all of the parenting. DH needs to do that. Believe me, if it turns into a SM vs. BM in your SDs eyes, you will lose. Every single time. Don't set yourself up for a target on your back and nothing but resentment from SD as she gets older. Rip off the band-aid now, so to speak.
If this helps give you any
If this helps give you any insight. When I was working as a child counselor. Most of the children I saw were from seperated families.
Thier were times when the the non custodial parent was a bad seed. I can tell you every time it was always the same thing. At some point the child wanted a relationship with that parent more than anything.
One they couldn't understand that that parent was not a good parent. In Thier mind they felt abandoned, and unloved by that parent. To cope with those feelings they created in Thier head a situation where it was the CP fault. That OP really did love them and it was OP who was the real problem.
Children will often take Thier emotions out on the "safe" parent. They will work harder to please the absent parent.