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No Social Interaction

StepMum123's picture

Hi Guys, I wanted to reach out to you all because after 3 years I am still struggling to be a step-parent. 

When I first started my relationship, my SD was 8 and now she is 11 and its becoming more and more difficult. When her Mum gave birth to her, the Dad was not in the picture so she has been brought up by her Mum and and grand mother. At first, I was ok with my SD, she was annoying but nothing that worried me. As she has got older, she seems to be more distance now than ever. She struggles to socialise with people anyway even in the family but with me, she doesn't speak to me unless I speak to her and avoids any eye contact with me. She also sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable because I know she is not comfortable around me. The relationship she has with her Mum is fine, she is basically her slave and will do anything for her. 

There are things about my SD that make me wonder if theres an issue, i.e. she doesnt like loud music, she doesnt like having "FUN" and I mean that, she hates being silly or doing anything that makes us laugh. She doesnt like it when me and her Mum play fight, she gets angry and walks away. She doesn't like change or having a different routine, she is constantly stuck to her Mum and follows her around the house. When I am downstairs, she will go upstairs, as soon as I go upstairs, she will go down to sit with her Mum. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and like an outsider. I feel like I dont like her personality at all, she loves spending money and wont go anywhere shopping unless she is getting something out of it. She hates anyone telling her what to do and always has an answer for everything. I am just losing my patience with her. I have made any rules from the beginning and been chilled, but her behaviour is not working well with me. I have spoken to my partner several times about her and sometimes she feels I am picking at things for the sake of it, but I am not. Its something that is on my mind and I can't help it. I just dont know what to do and I feel as she gets older, it will get worse. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

It definitely will get worse. SD15 and SD13 have no idea how to interact with kids their own age.

They are uncomfortable and awkward in social situations and cling to adults to the point where you feel like you are suffocating. 

Just this weekend went to a bday party, kids everywhere. SD13 stood uncomfortably next to her father the entire time and did not speak to anyone. Even though she knew everyone there she was still uncomfortable. 

StepMum123's picture

This is the same as my SD, I know at 11 its difficult because you are being introduced to so many emotions and feeling, and I can imagine its even worse being 15 or 13. But how can you make a child but more effort in to be more sociable and act normal?? 

My SD is the same around anyone, even family members she is very uncomfortable around.

shamds's picture

Any family weddings & engagements that i was there with our 2 toddlers and the whole time they are glued to their dad as miniwives sitting to his side.

it makes it difficult to want to show any affection or intimacy with him. I told him it was well past their time to grow up

if i am not present thee are still glued to hubby but will mix with family

my toddlers bc are way more independent 

StepMum123's picture

That must be so difficult having two children are the same. 

What does your hubby say when you mention this to him?

Whenever I mention anything, I feel like I am being picky or I dont like her. And I suppose the BM would never understand what I am going through if she hasn't experienced it herself. Do both of them have a phone? I think social media can make you so unsociable and trap you into a fantasy world. My SD is obsessed with her phone, she is never without it. 

shamds's picture

His miniwives like they're alpha females and he allowed it to get to that point.

my husband loves sex with me too much and late 2019 told off sd25 that i was his wife, she doesn't answer me back or make executive decisions regarding my kids as i'm the resident expert and hubby supports me 100%.
 They cut off contact for ages after that

sd15 isn't allowed a phone, sd25 refused to allow my husband to give a phone to sd15 so he could contact her freely. That points to sd25 continuing the manipulative abuse exwife dished out their whole lives

at weddings and family events, hubbys family wonder why the hell they came if they refuse to interact with family beyond yes no answers or hysterical laughing at any question asked of them. 
my husband is a snr banker so interacts with people and it's ridiculous not one of the 3 skids inherited any of his skills or traits, they all inherited bio mums. My kids on the other hand, have dads traits

tog redux's picture

Has she been evaluated? She has traits of Autism Spectrum Disorder and maybe some Anxiety.  How does she do in school? Does she have friends? 

StepMum123's picture

She has never been evaluated, in school she has 1 friend but doesn't go out with friends or wants to go out full stop other than with her Mum. She has had a couple of warnings from teachers if they have had to tell her to be quiet she snaps back or will say something under her breath. She is very unsociable and will never start a conversation with anyone.

StepMum123's picture

Thank you for the advice. I am also concerned about her eating habits, she weighs 5 stone and eats very minimal. She will only eat rice on its own, pasta on its own or anything sweet. She would eat 3 doughnuts in a second but struggle to eat a meal. She also has made a decision that she is vegetarian but will not try anything new or different. 

tog redux's picture

If my knowledge of British measurement is right that's 70 lbs., which may or may not be way too thin depending on her height. Overall, she sounds in need of a pediatrician eval if nothing else. 

Maxwell09's picture

I can tell you for the first paragraph it is loyalty binds. Inner conflict that if she acts like she likes you it will indirectly/directly/both hurt her mom's feelings and she doesn't want to do that. She probably feels like she has to choose between being polite to you and loving her mom. Unfortunately no matter what you say about it, she wont change unless the parent making her feel like she has to choose releases her from her loyalty bind or she grows up to see it was a form of manipulation from that parent. 

How is her life in the other household? Is the household strict to where she doesn't get any control or say in anything or is it chaotic to where she has to act like the adult. Either way it could be why she likes stability to the point of rigidly following routines. Routines make kids feel safe and happy. They will test the boundaries hoping someone will reinforce them. 

My own SS uses our home as a decompressor from BM's. It is chaotic there and often times he feels lke he has to reinforce rules and boundaries to BM's other child who is always up in his space and using his things. As a 9 year old, he doens't have the mental capacity to see it for what it is so he comes home and tries to steamline us over here (parenting my bio, getting an attitude when things arent orderly how he left them or normal for our routine). He lives with us primarily so we call him on it. We tell him he's not the adult here and he has to sit back and relax. We have everything under control and he can just go with the flow. 

Rags's picture

Hurt feelings are a choice. If BM chooses to have her fee fees hurt over her XH's new bride and the bride's interface with BM's failed family progeny.... that is BM's choice.

The SKid needs to hear this and know that BM's choice to be hurt... is BM's choice and not the Skid's fault.

Lather.......................... rinse .............................. repeat.