"Mental health is an ongoing dedication to reality at all costs".   You are wise to face your reality.

I honestly don't want my BS to view the skids as family. I always support the narrative that we are family friends, that there are bonus adults and kids in our life, but not that it's the same as the Brady Bunch. My kid and I do things on her own, and I encourage DH to do things with his kids. We are clearly separate families. We are not on the same team. I understand that most of it isn't the kids fault, but I also feel like I'm saving my sanity by giving them very little to take back to BM. 

I'm in the same boat you are. We used to try to be on the "same team" as BM, but it just led to BM trying to control everything. BM limited visitation down to 8 hours every other Sunday and the courts allowed it, saying "kids need their mothers." BM maintains sole legal and physical custody, but it got to the point where BM wouldnt even let DH do anything during his parenting time without BM's permission. DH got scolded if SS went swimming, if we gave SS dessert, if SS stayed up late, etc. BM used to say, "You are lucky I give you this much autonomy..." Yeah, so much autonomy, SS could barely breathe without BM's permission. 

When DH fought back and set boundaries, BM made it said that we were no longer "on the same team." It was at this point that BM said DH was "incapable of coparenting."  He was only deemed "incapable" because he wouldn't cave to all of BM's demands and agree with her on everything. BM moved SS (who was then age 5) out of state so BM could be with her GF. The courts offered DH 6 weeks per year (two two week periods in the summer and alternating school breaks). Why? Because "kids need their mothers." So now, BM and GF have made SS (who is now age 8 ) believe they are his "Moms". BM and her GF have attempted to alienate SS against DH and while it has partially failed because he doesn't view us negatively, SS really doesn't view DH or myself as his family at all. All of his school projects about family have been just BM and GF and BM's heritage. When DH talked to him about genetics and heritage for school, SS seemed shocked to learn that DH was even the other half of his DNA and that DH's heritage is SS' heritage. SS has also said "My Moms" and "My Parents" in reference to BM and GF. SS has accidentally slipped up several times, calling DH by his first name instead of "Dad". It is to the point that SS and BM only view DH as a financial resource to aid in supporting their upscale lifestyle. We just view BM as a financial obligation for 9 more years and nothing more. 

DH and I struggle to see SS as family too because we only see him 6 weeks per year. We used to try to be close to SS, but SS always kept us at an arm's length, even during visitation. He was never cuddly or social with us like he was toward BM and GF. DH has said that he feels like a fun uncle who sees SS occasionally. DH has said there is a blood connection but very little else. We plan to try for a baby later this year and DH said he feels like it's a clear divide: DH, me and our kids versus BM, GF, and SS. He doesn't think SS will be close to our kids just given the nature of the situation. Our kids will always know they have a brother and they can form whatever bond with him they want, but I'm never going to push this "big happy family." DH also believes BM will continue to alienate until its successful, which I could see happening around age 12 or 13. SS is already borderline alienated now. He still loves us, but you can tell he's conflicted and easily persuaded into being loyal to "his family" because DH and I are not family. 

With BMs like this, kids are forced to see her as the only important family, it's part of enmeshment.   My SS21 hasn't seen DH's family in 7 years and doesn't ask about them. He updates us on BM's family and his siblings there, but never asks anything about his father's side. He's allowed to be close with BM's boyfriend, but not with me (not that I want it anymore).  It's definitely a dynamic that these personality disordered mothers cultivate and want in their kids. 

Kids in a normal divorce still view their dad and his family as their family, and the mother encourages that because she knows it's good for her child. BMs like this selfishly want the child to only love her and who she allows them to love.

It is what it is, I can't do anything about it. Don't really care anymore, honestly.

Even my DH has always siad the SD is on BM's team and always be. I do feel sorry for him becuase I see how she is being a good daughter by coming here on every visitation day but that she is growing apart from him. I mean I think all daughters are closer to their mothers anyways but the fact that she doesnt see her dad every day has affected theri relationship. Plus the fact that I am sure she enjoys being with her mother more vs being here where I am.

As Tog mentioned, same for us too...it was always BM is the only family skids have (had).  BM's house was the only home they had. Even Santa Clause only came to BM's house because it was 'their home'.

I think it's normal for them to see the home they spend the most time at as 'home' and their 'family' as the home and with the parent they spend the most time with.  Doesn't make them aholes, it's just that this is their reality.  My kids also drew the family as me and them.  They also saw my place as home.  Their dad made sure to give them strict VERY rare visitor status so it's no wonder they feel like that.  I think even if/when dad is more inclusive, they will call home the place they spend majority of time and where they keep all their belongings. 

Since november 2018. Hubby thinks skids miss our kids, that they adore our kids which is a load of fantasy crap when they have not maintained any contact.

its hard to maintain a relationship with skids especially when adult sd25 ranted to her dad after over 5 yrs no contact that she guilted hubby for his new family.

meanwhile bio mum married the week divorce was final while skids were in school and skids didn't even know she was dating. Then the facts came out the year before hubby finally separated from her, she had been having an affair with her ex highschool sweetheart which continued until the divorce 2 yrs later

she was married 8 yrs with no issues from skids but how dare daddy marry another woman (me) and get her pregnant and have 2 younger kids.

sd even lectured hubby on his duty to financially support her for life and gift a home he bought solely to skids. I told hubby if you wanna do that then make sure our kids have a trust fund or money kept aside for their future which is more of a priority than handing free money to a grown arse adult who should be independent. 

I want nothing to do with skids and my own kids do not recognize their half siblings as family. They are and will always be strangers and thats on them.

Since november 2018. Hubby thinks skids miss our kids, that they adore our kids which is a load of fantasy crap when they have not maintained any contact.

its hard to maintain a relationship with skids especially when adult sd25 ranted to her dad after over 5 yrs no contact that she guilted hubby for his new family.

meanwhile bio mum married the week divorce was final while skids were in school and skids didn't even know she was dating. Then the facts came out the year before hubby finally separated from her, she had been having an affair with her ex highschool sweetheart which continued until the divorce 2 yrs later

she was married 8 yrs with no issues from skids but how dare daddy marry another woman (me) and get her pregnant and have 2 younger kids.

sd even lectured hubby on his duty to financially support her for life and gift a home he bought solely to skids. I told hubby if you wanna do that then make sure our kids have a trust fund or money kept aside for their future which is more of a priority than handing free money to a grown arse adult who should be independent. 

I want nothing to do with skids and my own kids do not recognize their half siblings as family. They are and will always be strangers and thats on them.

 This is so timely for me, as after 21 years of marriage to DH and hoping and trying, I've finally accepted we are not and never will be, one big happy family (or even "family") to my SSs. BM and their half-sister from her DH are their only family. SSs barely acknowledge my DSs' presence (their half brothers.) DH is and always has been nothing but a wallet to SSs. We only see or hear from them on gift-giving occasions. We last saw them on Christmas Eve, and now it's oldest SGD's birthday coming up, so they'll come for her gifts and "party." Unlike prior years, there will be no elaborate cake, custom banner, surprise appearance by a princess, etc, etc. There will be cake from a local grocery store and a reasonable number of gifts. I won't take a single pic, so none will be posted on FB. BM's party the day before is "the" official birthday party and will be heavily documented by SS and posted on FB. It's just another box to check as far as I'm concerned, so the less time and money we spend, the better. Sad that it has to be that way, but it is reality, and I accept it.

Thank you for writing this. Makes me realise a fair few things.

When I came into step parenting my background was as a close twin whod recently lost both parents and several senior surviving relatives. So its now me and my brother against the world. So to speak. I had a huge thing about my bd and ss relationship being nurtered, and being solid as one day 'they'll only have each other'. Whelp not only did that not happen, but it's not true or real.  We butted heads a lot with bm when she peed all over special events such as being present for birthdays and (only one) Christmas together. People here told me to not bother inviting him and I baulked at the idea. But now having been through a mediation where bm was told she was correct in (her) ss doing as he pleases when he pleases. I totally gave up and disengaged. And boy is it a release. It really is. Looking back and at the end of the day, family's aren't always close, and I wouldn't necessarily turn to my brother about everything for example. There are friends, there are other people you class as family, so fighting so hard to make one out of a totally broken situation for my daughter, her brother and hubby was a complete waste of energy