Power struggle
Hi all.
I'm looking for some help and landed here....A little background, my husband and I have been together for 6 years married 3. SD8 has visits with BM for 3 hrs 1 day a week ( when BM chooses to participate). We have a son together 18 months. When husband and I were dating, there was a 50/50 custody situation. as I'm sure you can conclude, BM was deemed unfit. My step daughter is by far the most manipulative person I've ever met. At first I was questioning myself but I'm now very confident she knows EXACTLY what shes doing. As she watches me across the living room right now, my jaw is clenched. Why is this 8 year old fooling everyone?
Why am I almost 30 fucking years old and feel like i need to walk on egg shells in my own home or else I'll piss princess off then god knows what lies or accusations will arise. And she tells " part truths " which I believe is pretty advanced for an 8 year old..( maybe im wrong)
I don't even care about fixing the situation or improving the dynamic that led to this. Can someone PLEASE help me keep my sanity? Have you been through this?
I have a son to raise and I'll be dipped in dog shit before this little girl teaches my son that rules are optional. Or that respect is...
I've started separating myself from being alone with her, when I have to be I ask one of my parents to visit.but they can't always ( shes here 24/7 365).. she recently got in trouble on online schooling for saying sexual things ( I'm still trying to figure out where she heard them or if she truly understands what she said) her dad then made me " supervise" her- more than I already do. The next day she was doing similar things on the computer - we have a son that NEEDS to matter too...and I said if her safety is my job and she doesn't listen unless I come unglued then I won't keep homeschooling her- so now shes back at public...
Today I pissed princess off because I said no more snacks- supper was on the stove. Awful of me, right? Now we are here.... shes staring at me with fire in her eyes and I'm trying my best not to engage but I'm truly OVER an 8 year old running this show.
I'd confront her on each and
I'd confront her on each and every indiscretion. She glares at you? I would glare right back and say "What the heck are you staring at, it's rude and I really don't care that you're upset about the snack, now knock it off or go to your room, I'm not having it".
Call her out each and every time, if dh complains you can tell him you will stop when he picks up disciplining as he should.
Nothing a swat to the rump
Nothing a swat to the rump and a firm march to the nearest corner to hold the intersecting walls up for a couple of yours with her nose won't solve.
Lather.............. rinse................ repeat.
smh
I've been learning
I've been learning how I play into this dynamic. I argue back. It needs to be exactly.what you are saying...she starts, I end it by putting her in the corner.
I grew up in a good household but the snotty mean girl shit never flew with my parents. I get a kick out of a lot of your responses. It's what goes through my head, I assume from my upbringing. I dont physically discipline her, however. No body does. I'm not saying beat her....but she.needs an attention grabber. After 4 years of this...I am learning. Yesterday i had to ask her 16 times to stop talking back....when she wanted her electronics, she had to go 16 minutes with out being a snot....it took 2 hours of pure joy for her to earn it. Thank you for replying
When YSD first moved in she
When YSD first moved in she was 10 and probably worse than what you are describing. She had just a bed and dresser in her room and had to earn everything else.
She also would throw major tantrums and was sent to her room for time out. I am pretty sure she hated my guts, but the end goal was I didn't care if she liked me, just that she respected me.
So keep doing what your doing and don't worry about how it will effect your child. The difference is your own child will have a bind with you and it is a completely different dynamic than parenting a step.
I hear ya
I feel exactly that. I don't care anymore to be sm of the year. Its either respect what I say or fear the consequences .
I do fear being a strict disciplinarian, though. She is very manipulative in the sense that she knows how to paint a picture for the other adults ( bm. Dh, mil and fil) that shes an angel and I put her in the corner/ room for a misunderstanding. Or makes it seem like a physically discipline her.And I'm sorry, there's no.misunderstanding when a kid takes the time to dig her feces out of the toilet to put it in the trash can because I've just replaced the bag and knows it will piss me off. There's no misunderstanding when shes told to come inside from.playing 4 minutes early and doesnt like it so she floods her bathroom. Everyone makes excuses for her behavior " the pandemic is hard, her mom isn't in her life, she hasn't been anywhere fun, shes got energy and nothing to do with it".....nothing I do is good enough
So I'm done.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it
Why isn't your husband
Why isn't your husband parenting her? it's not your job.
First. Your DH
Is the main problem. He should be parenting his DD. And taking care of her. Not letting you do the work. Second he doesn't have your back. You are the adult, you have control. You must stop letting SD disrespect you.
Tell DH he must find child care for his kid when he not home to parent her. I would not be walking on eggshells, I would be walking all over SD
I agree
I agree my husband is the key in this
But i feel like I'm a point with my patience, that I cant wait for him to see what is so obvious to me. I have to scream to get him to acknowledge that this isn't how it should be. I've cried, begged. It gets better for a short time or in a certain area...then return to the same. I can't fathom divorcing him because then my son would end up in the same boat. On the days my husband would have him...the sd8 would play mommy (like she tries to now) but I wouldnt be there to correct it. She tries to do inappropriate things to our son, or have him do it her. ( shes been in counseling since I've been involved)
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.
Start making faces at her
Start making faces at her while shes sitting/standing there eyeing you. I did.. she won't like it and her response will more than likely cause you to laugh out loud. Doesn't solve the issue but it sure lightens the mood a little bit.