I’m the villain
SD38 and her mother died in 2020. SD38 had four kids (via sperm donor) - twin SGSs age 7, SGS age 5, and SGD 25 months.
DH has 3 kids with his second ex wife SD 31, SS27, and SS26. SS7 and SS26 both live abroad in the same country as their mother. SS27 is engaged. SS26 is married with two kids.
SD38 lived in the same as SD31, about an hour away from DH and I
SD31 has custody of late SD38's four children. Prior to this SD31 was a single, child free cabin crew member traveling the world.
DH and I had temporary custody of SGKs immediately after SD38's death, but I made it clear I would not raise someone else's children and I would leave him if he pursued permanent custody. DH and I are mostly retired.
Currently 16 weeks pregnant. DH has asked we keep it private until he feels SD31 is ready to hear about it.
SS27 is suppose to visit at the end of April and stay with SD31 to help with the kids for 8 weeks. He just called DH (despite the time difference, no regard for his father's sleep schedule, not intentional, just annoying). SS27 is begging DH to move in with SD31 until he is able to visit in 3.5 weeks. He says she's overwhelmed and that SD31 is just really burntout (not a threat to her quality of care for the kids, but just really emotionally fragile and lonely).
unfounately the only alternative carers for the children are DH and I or state care.
SSs and SD are pretty desperate to see all four kids stay together, and not put in state care. I'm pretty sure even their mother (who is not SD38's mother) would even relocate back to this country as a late resort and fight for custody to keep the kids out of care.
i look like the villain on this situation, and I'm wondering if I made the ring choice getting pregnant, because part of me thinks DH will eventually be the one looking after SGKs.
I know SD31 is miserable. She's going to absolutely despise me when she finds out we're having a baby. DH told her he couldn't take custody of the kids because he's too old/not ready to start over as a dad.
She left behind her dream job and entered a field related to her field of study (a field she hates) to be able to work form home and support the kids. She's given up so so much, and from the conversations I've had with her, she says she is able to handle it because she reminds herself she's saving her dad from a stoke, because he's too old to deal with a baby. Idk what to do. Anyway this pans out, I'm the villain, I'm the monster
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First off, you aren't wrong
First off, you aren't wrong to not want to raise FOUR kids that aren't your own. And they aren't wrong for not wanting the kids to be split up and/or put in foster care.
The part I'm confused about though, is that if there are three young adults in the picture, why the retired guy, who I assume is minimally in his mid-60's, is considered the right person to take on these four young kids? Along with his wife, who isn't even biologically related to the kids? Nope.
Perhaps SD could move near the SS's and they could share joint custody of the kids - that's been done. Or if their mother wants to be part of this, she could take them on weekends while SD31 kept them throughout the week.
Your DH probably should not have used his age as an excuse if he knew you were planning to get pregnant, but even so - you raising ONE of your own bio children with or without your DH's help is vastly different from the two of you raising 4 young kids that you aren't even related to.
Stick to your guns. There is no way that you and DH are the right people to raise these children. I'm sorry SD31 had to make so many sacrifices, but it appears that was her choice. And you shouldn't be the one making a HUGE sacrifice so they don't have to be the ones to take on their own nieces and nephews, even though they feel so strongly about where they should be. Let them all put their money where their mouth is.
Also, I'm going to assume you are at least 20 years younger than your DH, which means it will be YOU raising these kids after he's gone. Be the villain, if that's what they think. And if they do think that, they are selfish jerks, so all the more reason to not try to make them happy.
SSs and SD31's mom live 6000
SSs and SD31's mom live 6000 miles away in a different continent. I don't believe SSs would be willing to permantly uproot their own partners and children to take them to a country try they have never been to just to help with niece and nephews. SS27 is a full time caregiver to DH's parents back in the home country and had a job he adores, so I do not believe he would relocate. SS26 had two school aged children, and I don't believe his wife would move to our country. SSs are the ones financially supporting
My husband is 60. I am 41. DH told SD31 today I am pregnant, and left today to go spend the entire month of April with her to help with SGKs, which frankly I am furious about. SD31 is not angry that I'm pregnant, apparently just very hurt her father lied.
Maybe SD needs to move near
Maybe SD needs to move near her brothers so they can help her then.
I'm sorry but your DH sounds
I'm sorry but your DH sounds worse and worse. So his kids with their own small children and lives ahead of them have to sacrifice and raise the grandkids, support them financially AND take care of HIS aging parents? And you're furious because your DH is doing something to help the situation for a few weeks?
You are BOTH horribly selfish and irresponsible.
Honestly, the responsible thing to do would be you and DH and the SD w/grandkids to all be living in the same area and as a family community helping to raise these kids.
So, the half-uncle is travelling half-way across the world, leaving his own family, job and responsibilities to help with the kids and it's too much to expect your DH to help out in her time of need? These kids ended up being MUCH better then their dad honestly. Wow. He's 60-not a frail 80yr old. He could and should help out. I'm sorry but you both sound horribly selfish. It's rather astounding honestly.
DH raised four wonderful
DH raised four wonderful children. Both his first and second ex wife were/are good people in their own right. They never once said an unkind word towards me the times I met them. I know I'm very lucky.
I will never deny that his kids are amazing people. I respect them. SD38 was an amazing mother and a very hard worker.
SD31 did not plan on this, I know that. I do feel for her that she had to give up all her dreams. She calls me crying wishing more than anything that she could have kept her job.
SSs are wonderful too. I know that. I understand that. I get that.
We are all victims are circumstance in this scenario. I am still upset. I think my feelings are valid. I know I'm the villain in this situation.
Then you DEAL with the bad
Then you DEAL with the bad circumstance you all were dealt with. If his kids can sacrifice so much for their half-nieces/nephews then he can certainly make some sacrifices, and you would accept and support him to go help the 31yd old. Also, can your dh not take the kids and bring them to his home with you for a few weeks? Or some weekends? Or on some school breaks? Are you unwilling to do that?
I haven't even read the
I haven't even read the entire thread and I'm with you.
Those poor children have no choice. This situation is a crisis situation that calls for emergency solutions such as the family coming together and raising these kids together. SD is 31 taking on four kids. C'mon.
"I'm sorry SD31 had to make
"I'm sorry SD31 had to make so many sacrifices, but it appears that was her choice"
But isn't this was us stepmoms hate to hear also? Just because she made this choice at a younge age, doesn't mean she knew what she was getting into. I'm understanding that the girl that passed was their half-sister? So not as 'blood' related as being implied here. We all know plenty of half-siblings that have nothing to do with eachother, especially ones with different mothers.
It's a bad situation all around. To be honest it's not fair for the 31yr old- but perhaps if she were living where her mother and other sibilings were they could alternate care between the siblings? The grandfather is the closest blood relation to them though- and I see NO reason why his 2nd wife should have to do anything with her SD's kids?
If his own daughter is currently in despair raising these children why grandpa gets off scott-free, even if he doesn't take them full-tiem it would be nice for him to go and help her out a bit for a certain amount of time. If dad's going to have the energy to run around w/his own kid, he can certainly help out a few weeks with his orphan grandkids.
As to the decision to have a kid while saying he can't help with his grandkids? Yeah, he'll be the villain and I can see where his other kids would be pretty pissed. Honestly if you didn't want anything to do w/the situation maybe avoiding having a kid w/an older granfather would have been smarter or walking away and letting him/his daughter split care of the kids.
I agree, it would be asbolutely tragic for those kids to be split up in state care when there are several adults that could help eachother out in keeping this kids together and safe.
I don't object to his helping
I don't object to his helping out. I object to people expecting OP to take them in full-time.
Ok then, but now she's
Ok then, but now she's furious because he's helpign out for 3.5 weeks? Seriously? That is just WRONG>
Because I am pregnant with my
Because I am pregnant with my first (and what will likely be only child), and I think it is cruel to me to have to expirence this alone.
Cruel? You're 16 weeks, you
Cruel? You're 16 weeks, you can zoom and talk on the phone a few weeks. You aren't in critical place 9 months prenant about to deliver. Have you thought for one second about his daughter 31 and the sacrifices SHE is doing all alone? What about the kids that are orphans? What about his brother who is full-time caregive to HIS parents? He's leaving his fiance and his grandparents to help out for 2 full months! It seems even the stepgrandmother of these kids is willing to do more and you are only worried about your own feelings for 3 full weeks? I'm sorry but you guys acting like horrible people. Selfish. No words.
Did I miss there being major
Did I miss there being major milestones between 16 and 19 weeks? Aside from finding out gender, which could happen after 20 weeks, this is just a silly thought. Your DH can't wait on you hand and foot for 9 months as if no one else exists. You're pregnant, not dying like his DAUGHTER did.
Have you considered that he's still grieving and this is his way of working through this further? That he may WANT to spend time with his kids and GKs? That he may be effing TERRIFIED to tell his kids you're pregnant after not helping? That any good relationship he has with his ex and kids is going to go down the toilet in a few short months?
Your time being pregnant right now doesn't get to be solely about you because your husband's daughter is dead and his GKs are motherless and grandmotherless. He is their last link of biological family to their mother. If he mucks this up, his grandkids suffer.
You need to take SEVERAL seats and be thankful you have a healthy pregnancy. And then you need to learn how to be a more supportive wife to your DH who lost his daughter and had to choose between his wife and GKs during a time he was grieving.
No kidding, she had zero
No kidding, she had zero mention of his grieving, or the kids grief losing their mom and grandmother, or the siblings grief losing their sister. It's all about her and her non-life threatening, nonmilestone having 3 weeks during a routine pregnancy? It seems as she keeps pressuring the man about what to do and not, guilt tripping him during his grief in this horrific situation. She really makes herself sound like a horrible person.
Not only did he choose his wife, he goes and gets her pregnant- and then she finds it CRUEL for him to 'choose' them for 3 miserable weeks? I'm so blown away but the audacity and selfishness of this poster that I have to debate in my head whether this is even real. It's hard to believe there are people like this out in the world.
And not preventing pregnancy
And not preventing pregnancy during this time was just ill-advised. Can't fix getting pregnant at an inconvenient time now, but OP could have A LOT more empathy for the situation.
I was wrong to get upset with
I was wrong to get upset with DH for going to stay with SD31 for April.
I would never suggest that OP
I would never suggest that OP take on responsibility for 4 unrelated children, especially knowing that her DH is significantly older and the brunt of the caregiving would likely fall on her. However, I don't see any harm in her DH providing significant support to his daughter as she adjusts to caring for these kids.
I have ONE full time child and a husband, and one or both of my parents (who live a little over an hour away and are a year or two older than OP's DH) often watch her once a week to give me a break and spend time with her. These kids aren't OP's relatives, but they're her husband's grandchildren and it's natural for him to want to see them and help out, especially at this critical time when everyone is grieving/adjusting.
I think OP should be patient and gracious at this point, and not stand in the way of her husband helping or complain to him when he does. If they're still getting 5 phone calls a day in another year something's got to give, but this is a time for family to come together and help. It sounds like BM2, who isn't related to the kids at all, has stepped up, and the SS's are helping financially. It's not unreasonable for OP's DH to provide some significant support as well. He obviously must feel capable of handling young children despite his age, as he's about to have one himself.
Exactly my point, all of what
Exactly my point, all of what you said.
I'll go ahead and say what I
I'll go ahead and say what I've been trying to avoid saying.
I see hypocrisy on these threads. Words to the effect of, "SD31 should have known what she was getting into." 99% of the people on STalk HATE that phrase.
OP's DH claiming he was too old to take raising kids again, yet here he is at 60 and about to be father once more. Some people would argue OP and her DH getting pregnant at their ages is a selfish thing to do in regards to their child.
Again, how OP has presented the situation and herself is not kind, at best.
Yes, I mentioned that too. It
Yes, I mentioned that too. It's so unfair to say 'she knew what she was getting into' -if that's the case, same could be said about OP. the rest of what you said is spot on too.
2nd wife was involved because
2nd wife was involved because she was somewhat close to SD38 and DH's first ex wife. She has known SGKs since birth, and is closer to them than I am.
my fear is that if she can't handle it now, will this be forever? The next 20 years of him having to families, one with SD31 and SGKs and one with me and our child. I know that's selfish.
See, I don't think you are
See, I don't think you are being selfish there. I don't think him co-parenting long-term is a reasonable plan, given his age if nothing else.
It makes way more sense to me for SD to move back to the home country and the 3 siblings share the care of the children and DH's parents.
And what, he gets off with
And what, he gets off with having to do nothing for his grandkids or his own parents? How nice for the op. Yuck. It makes more sense for them BOTH to move there and everyone together helps with the kids and his aging parents.
And yes, it's very possible
And yes, it's very possible that he will have responsibilities with two families, at least while they are very young. This seems to be the case, if you can't accept that you can raise YOUR kid on your own. If that seems daunting, put yourself in the sd's shoes. When his strength his going down hill-he can help in other ways. As long as he has strength for his own kids, he can help out support his grandchildren in other ways. Occasional care of the grandkids on weekends or breaks could be one.
You're absolutely right.
You're absolutely right.
4 kids between the ages of 2
4 kids between the ages of 2 and 7, all with a sperm bank? Jesus. Yes, the "good and right" thing would be to raise the kids. But....saints and martyrs are usually so revered because their sacrifice ended up killing them in the end. Ehhhh....i won't judge OP, except to say that having a baby with a 60-year-old with that much baggage probably wasn't the best choice.
Baby was not entirely planned
Baby was not entirely planned, we just weren't trying to prevent it. SD38 claimed to be 'asexual' not interested in romance, so she had kids on her own. She was a good mom.
Well, it was planned then, if
Well, it was planned then, if you didn't take measures to prevent it.
I have dreamed of motherhood
I have dreamed of motherhood my entire life. I don't feel bad for having a baby. Timing was always bad.
Right, so in other words, you
Right, so in other words, you planned it.
While I don't think you should take them in full-time, I do agree that you should not stand in the way of your DH helping SD in the short-term.
YOU want a baby. But have you
YOU want a baby. But have you given any thought to what a child deserves and wants?
Your child will have an old man for a dad. No camping, skiing, football, etc with Dad for your child. Other kids will whisper and ask " Is that your grandpa? ". Your child will grow up knowing they're different when all they want to do is fit in. They'll have to suffer the heartbreak of losing their dad far too soon, and possibly not having him there for graduations, wedding, etc. Their children won't get to have a grandpa, either.
You're focus ing on you and what you want. But you're also sentencing your child to a lot of pain, just so you can have your dream.
Well, not that her husband
Well, not that her husband did any better, 5 kids with 3 baby mommas, so I wouldn't judge the 38yr old. Her husband should have learned how to wrap it up. How irritatingly irresponsible. He's saying the can't help raise his grandkids because his wife says so-and then they go and get pregnant? This whole thing is absolutely enraging to be honest. They should suck up the consequences honestly.
Exactly, no one needs to
Exactly, no one needs to martyr themselves here. The kids won't do well in a home where people are raising them because they have to. In my line of work I see lots of great grannies raising young kids in their 70s and 80s, and none of them are happy and thriving.
I guess ideally the family
I guess ideally the family would somehow move closer together so that there are multiple people who could help, and maybe make a schedule. OP's husband could take them one weekend a month maybe to give the SD a break? Maybe other family members could do something similar? Or, if they live farther away, could take them for a week or two in the summers? Idk, there are many ways to do it that don't involve a single "martyr."
OP's husband, as another poster said, is 60 and on his 3rd BM. The SD chose to have 4 kids very close in age with no help except for her mother, who also unfortunately died. It's a pretty unusual and messed-up situation, and the only fair thing is for everyone related to pitch in.
Agreed. I personally do think
Agreed. I personally do think it's irresponsible to intentionally have 4 kids as a single mother, for just this reason.
She has a right to want to be
She has a right to want to be a mother, and if she was asexual and not interested in a relationship, so be it. I'm sure she didn't realize she was going to die so young. It's tragic. I still find what this guy has done a LOT more irresponsible. 5 kids, 3 baby mommas, having a kid at 60 when you can't help out with your own aging parents or orphan grandkids....shocking really.
I don't find him worse. He's
I don't find him worse. He's raised his kids and is caring for them. She could have had only one child, which would have been a lot easier for her family in this situation. Having 4 (and I'm guessing she planned more), to me, was irresponsible and left her family in the bind they are in.
I might be willing to take in one step-grandkid and raise them - but 4 is overwhelming. And who says he's not helping his parents ... and he IS helping his orphaned grandchildren?
You can't assume she was
You can't assume she was going to have more. I reiterate, I don't think a single mom choosing to have several kids is selfish. It wasn't irresponsible, life turned tragically. I don't know if he's helping his parents or grankids?
I'd love to hear their side of the story, I wonder how long his kids have been living overseas w/their mom? And how much did/does he help them out?
The OP said the SS" are financially helping his grandkids, she also said SS is full time caregiver to HIS parents. She said not a word about him helping out financially or any other way. Given the fuss she has put up, it doesn't sound like they've helped out much at all with the grandkids situation. And here he is willing to finally go help and she's guilt tripping him and feeling sorry for HERSELF......she can't for ONE minute put herself in all their shoes, including her DH and support him in helping for a few weeks? If she doesn't want to be apart from him, then why not open her home for the grankids for those 3.5 weeks? She doesn't want him to help at ALL it seems.
I think talking to SD five
I think talking to SD five times a day about the kids is helping. He's also going to stay with her for 3 weeks to help.
Reiterate away, we will have to agree to disagree. She had more kids than her family can now deal with, which is on her. You should always assume life will throw you curve balls and not plan on your family having to deal with it. Or make a good plan just in case.
RIdiculous, nobody assumes
RIdiculous, nobody assumes they will DIE. Tons of us are in situations that if we died would burden someone else, that's just life. People have disabled children, disabled husbands or those that are mentally ill, what if the caregiver dies? The woman had just as much a right to have children on her own then any of us having children with two adults. Something can ALSO happen with two adults, they die in a car crash-are they irresponsible for having had 4 kids then? Or one parent dies, the other dies months later. Are they selfish and irresponsible for having a large family? The OP already said she was hard working and an excellent mother, so I see nothing wrong with her choice.
I still see this mans choice to have another child in his 60's while claiming he can't help his grandkids or his own parents as selfish.
I'm glad he's going for 3 weeks -my point is the OP finds this wrong. I'm also wondering how accurate that 5 x day phone calls are.
Ridiculous. He could live to
Ridiculous. He could live to 95 and be an active parent until the child is 35. If mine is ridiculous, yours is too.
We just don't agree, no need to be insulting.
Or he could die tomorrow.
Or he could die tomorrow.
For sure. But he's not a
For sure. But he's not a single parent, is he?
Nope, and neither is OP ...
Nope, and neither is OP ... for now.
Yup anyone can become a
Yup anyone can become a single parent in a blink of an eye. People lose partners all the time.
SD38 was an amazing mother.
SD38 was an amazing mother. She was someone who did not feel sexual attraction, meaning she was not really gay or straight. She was asexual. For all I hate about this situation I will defend SD38. She was a responsible mother, an incredibly hard worker, a wonderful daughter to my husband, a wonderful sister to SD31 and SSs. In the almost decade I knew her I never heard her say an unkind word about anymore.
Her sons are well behaved and always have been. Even right after the death of their mother and grandmother, when they stayed with us for a few months, they cleaned up after themselves, were polite, and were very good boys. Step grand daughter was a bit more demanding but she had no idea what was going on.
I don't know of SD38 being irresponsible a day in her life. I don't think single parents are irresponsible.
It's apparently no one agrees
It's apparent no one agrees with me, but I do think having 4 kids with sperm donors is somewhat irresponsible. I'm glad she was a good mother.
You didn't know her. She was
You didn't know her. She was an amazing mother.
Fwiw, as the mother of twins,
Fwiw, as the mother of twins, given the workload involved and the extra fatigue (few of them nap at the same time), I cannot imagine trying for more children when they were only a year old...
Didn't she work or did she have a live-in nanny?
Fair point, but the OP said
Fair point, but the OP said she was an incredibly hard-worker, and having no significant other I am assuming her job was well-paying to afford 4 kids with donors to begin with. I wonder also if she had life insurance ?
She made a great deal of
She made a great deal of money between 21-30. She had a good paying job where she could work from home. We (and most of her family) use to call her the Go Go Train because she woke up at 5 and went to bed at ten every day of her life, and never complained of being tired. She did not have a nanny, but her mom did help with her kids a few days a week., but I believe SD38 did pay her mother. She did have life insurance.
she is one of the few women who I can say could handle the lie that most of us are told that you can 'have it all.' I can't imagine never having a break the way she did. I was always impressed by her resilience, her work ethic, and her grace. She managed to have hobbies, though she did not have close friends outside her mother and SD31.
How./why did sd and her bm
How./why did sd and her bm pass? who manages her life insurance and is it sufficient? u mentioned the uncles helping financially.
SD38's mom and her kids were
SD38's mom and her kids were actually recipient of life insurance. SD31 now manages I believe. It is sufficient. I believe SD31 could choose not to work and raise the kids comfortably. Her brothers are also helping her. She is choosing to work at a new job from home right now, I believe to maintain a sense of self. I think it would destroy her if she had to no longer have a career. Before all this SD41 was a flight attendant, and her job was her biggest joy.
If it is sufficient to
If it is sufficient to properly raise the kids to adulthood, and she has her own job for her own support plus the brothers help- could she not use some of that financing to get help? A cleaning lady once-twice a week would help tremendously. Also having a good reliable babysitter so she can go and do her own thing on a weekend to get some pampering? A massage, a pedicure, something she enjoys, could be a cooking class, a wine tasting-anything that fulfills her. Since she is given up so much it could go down hill for her quickly-gave up her career she loved (travelling all the time) to a life tied down with 4 young children is a shock to the system. Your DH can/should help any way he can. That's the right thing to do by his family and to the memory of his daughter, not to mentio for these poor grandkids and his daughter sacrificing to raise them.
You realize that she now has to give up any dreams she had? From career to a husband or children-no man is going to step into that....but then you think it's too much to sacrifice your dh for just a few weeks?
You have to learn to be supportive and HELP Your grieving husband to be a better person also. Make a compromise and offer to take the skids in once a month-as long as HE does most of the heavy lifting. Maybe he cooks that weekend, he cleans up, you're just there for support and being a step-grandmom. You said yourself the kids are good kids. They will probably even enjoy the new family addition and help you out when YOU Need a sitter one day. They are seven now, and teens babysit ;) I'd keep them on your side.
Can your DH and you agree to help her one weekend a month so maybe she can take a quick trip to regroup? That shouldn't be that much on either of you- it's not like EOW. Maybe she finances it but you and your DH could maybe help find her a list of suitable home cleaners and/or babysitter? I think if she got some down time she may not get to the point she is now needing full time help for so long-this is happening because she was apparently completely overwhelmed with it and not seemingly receiving much help.
What you're talking about 100
What you're talking about 100% hindsight. Obviously SD38 didn't think she was going to die unexpectedly in a car crash when she still had small children. Would you call her irresponsible if she were still alive and able to take care of her children on her own?
Yes. I think bringing that
Yes. I think bringing that many children into the world with no father is irresponsible. Just my opinion.
It's not what I think would
It's not what I think would be optimal, either, but here this family is.
I"m curious, how would you
I"m curious, how would you feel if she had adopted 4 children as a single parent? They are irresponsible too? Most people -including the OP who is just ridiculous in her selfishness-don't agree with your views because it's just plain twisted way to view things iMO.Couple also die in accidents.-couples with large families.
SD38 was the best mother.
SD38 was the best mother. Her own mom was only 53. Ther was very little chance they would both die at the same time. SD38 was the most responsible person I have met in a long time. She planned as best as any parent could. No one plans on dying before 60.
If I do the math on that,
If I do the math on that, SD38's BM was 15 when she was born, and your DH was 22. Yikes!
It was an arranged marriage.
It was an arranged marriage. DH was 21.
I agree, and the OP needs to
I agree, and the OP needs to stop complaining when her DH helps out, and yes, him taking the kids one weekend a month would be of great help to his daughter who is doing this alone. I'm going to assume she would never agree to that.
Ideally, yes, they would all live in the same country and all help eachother out-since he has aging parents there too and they are 'retired' it would make more sense for them to move where his sons/parents are, and OP and her DH and the SD and kids move to that are. Or as you said, the brothers might be able to take them in summers-which would likely be different school schedule though- but that would cost a LOT of money to transport 4 kids overseas once a year.
The OP's DH needs to step up some more. The OP doesn't have to, but he should. I find it odd that the other stepmom is willing to do so much more for these kids and this OP can't muster a few weeks of sacrifice. Her selfishness is absolutely horrifying.
I am realizing you are right.
I am realizing you are right. I think it's just a very difficult situation for everyone and I never imagined not having my husbands full attention were I to ever get pregnant.
For the record DH and I had
For the record DH and I had custody of the kids for a while after SD38 and 1st wife passed, they lived with us.
How long was that? And did he
How long was that? And did he have access to the kids life insurance?
You know I"m right, you know their situation is WAY more dire to yours, you seem to have empathy and care for the skids - so you really are just going to have to step out of yourself and your wants of a perfect pregnancy with an man with no bagagged, but that's just not the case. That's not what you married. His parents could get very ill and he has to travel accross the country to see them or for a funeral?
Your reality and the guy you married has a lot of bagagge, and you will have to make sacrifices. But everyone in this family is making them, so can you.
Just for a few months we had
Just for a few months we had the kids. We were granted emergency temorpary custody.
to be clear I married a man with four financially infependent adult children, with lives of their own. I married a man with two ex wives that have no drama and SKs that had no issues with me. I wouldn't have married someone with small kids. 'Or would I have married someone with angry ex's. Both ex wives are nice women who I actually like. Never did (logically) I think it would fall on me to care for someone else's young children and toddlers.
Then count your blessins,
Then count your blessins, seems you have it pretty good. For all that has gone on in this tragic turn of events, you're lucky the only thing you need to do now is sacrifice some time with your DH for a few weeks. You will be fine. How far does SD live w/the kids? Are you open/willing for him to come over w/his grandkids for the weekends so you could at least see him during those 3 weeks? Have you guys discussed maybe just having the kids with him for those 3 weeks? Are you making your DH choose again between you/them? I can understand you being hesitating to maybe have them the whole 3 weeks just because what if SD decides she doesn't want them back...but having him come over on the weekends could be an option if she doesn't live that far away? And then once the brother comes over, take a break, then when brother leaves you guys could offer her a weekend a month to decompress a bit?
If these were my
If these were my grandchildren I would do everything I could to help them even if it meant uprooting my life. Your DH has a responsibility towards his grandchildren.
Could SD31 move her and the
Could SD31 move her and the kids closer? Could you and DH move closer to them? Proximity would make help easier.
A very sad turn of events
As a childless stepparent, it makes me very sad for these kiddos.
This is a very sad situation,
This is a very sad situation, very tough for all concerned.
I have a lot of sympathy for the OP, and come on guys, a lot of you have been very tough on her and very judgmental.
She's already stated multiple times that she's not proud of the way she's feeling - give her a break. She has also been very complimentary about her stepdaughters and the late ex wife of her husband. In fact, she has not spoken a bad word about any of the family, as far as I can see.
On to solutions: I think that a multiple family member approach is best here - everyone chips in and helps out.
One solution would be to buy a property that has two houses on it. One house could be for the SD31, and a full time nanny could be employed, plus some part time home help. The other house could be for the OP, her hubby and their baby.. That way, her hubby gets to have input and help out on a PART TIME basis with his grandkids, and the SD31 gets to have a break and have some time out to herself. Sounds s though there are other family members willing to help out too, which is great. The point is that this job should NOT be the sole responsibility of just one person (SD31) or one couple (OP and her hubby).
Also, I don't think it was very kind to criticise the OP for getting pregnant - really it's her business and nobody has the right to sit in judgment.
Yeah and just rereading this
Yeah and just rereading this blog plus her forum post.... gosh some people have written some awful things to and about the OP.
That's not what this site is meant to be about.
Be kind, people. This situation is bad enough and the OP does not need others weighing in, ok preaching and criticizing.