Thinking about asking SD not to sleep over at our house
Hi all! I've been lurking here for several months now, but this is my first post.
For some backstory: My DH and I have been together for three years, married for one. He has a 13-year old daughter that he is supposed to see every other weekend. Realistically, she doesn't stay the whole weekend, typically just Friday evening - Saturday night. Until about eight months ago, we lived in a small one bedroom apartment, so DH and SD would stay at Grandmom's house for visitation because it had more space. We now live in a two bedroom apartment - we use the second bedroom as an office/guest room - so visitation has shifted from Grandmom's house to our apartment. At first, I tried to have a good attitude about it, but now the mere confirmation that she is sleeping over is enough to induce a panic attack.
Thankfully, our new apartment is about 60 miles from SD and BM, so sometimes SD will cancel because the long car rides make her tired. Obviously, I can't expect her to cancel every time she is due to visit - though I still get my hopes up! DH was starting to feel upset that SD wasn't visiting as much, so he bargained with her: every other visit can be a day trip to Grandmom's house, but she still has to sleep over our apartment once a month.
So tomorrow, DH and SD will go to Grandmom's house and hang out for the day. Then, in two weeks, the plan is that she is going to sleep over here. I'm already dreading it, and I got into a big fight with DH about how I don't want her to stay here for a whole 24 hours. My reasons for not wanting SD here:
1.) I feel like a second-class citizen in my own home when she is here. She takes over the entire living room, hogs the TV, and DH tells me that I can't use the second bedroom as an office for work because "it's her room." So I end up hiding in our bedroom the entire time, resentful, & counting down the hours until she leaves. DH even told me that I should stay at my mom's house or a hotel while she visits if I have a problem with it. Um, absolutely not. I LIVE HERE TOO. Her visitation doesn't override the fact that I pay half of the rent and have a right to feel comfortable in my own home.
2.) She's incredibly lazy and entitled. She doesn't offer to help clean up dishes, leaves the bathroom a mess, rolls her eyes constantly, treats him like a ghost, but still has the gall to ask him for Roblox gift cards while she's here, despite doing nothing to earn it. If we take her out to a nice dinner, she'll be on her phone the. entire. time. And god forbid I say anything about it - Disney Dad actually defends that crap and says she's "just a teenager."
3.) BM treats her like a baby and micromanages from 60 miles away. DH will get texts in the morning like "Is her phone dead? You need to wake her up, it's 10:00." This absolutely enrages me! How dare she try to tell us what to do IN OUR OWN HOME. Also, I hate the fact that BM & her husband live in a $400,000 McMansion and still demand child support that they don't need, while we live in a rental unit....
Sorry, but I don't want to marginalize myself for a brat that DH described as a "mini-BM." I was planning on staying home tomorrow while they are at Grandmom's house, but I kind of want to go just to talk to SD myself. I'm thinking of saying something to her along the lines of "Isn't is so much better at Grandmom's house? She has cute pets, and it's closer to your house. This visitation arrangement really works for everyone, you know? It can be kind of stressful when you visit our apartment." I'm sure this will infuriate DH, but you know what? I feel infuriated when she stays over our house. So too bad.
Honestly, I find it a bit ridiculous that she still even has an Every Other Weekend arrangement. She's not 5. When I was 13, (I'm 27 btw - not even that much older than she is) I would just call my dad and ask if he wanted to get together soon, because I WANTED to see him, not because I was being forced to. SD acts miserable the entire time of her visitation & clearly doesn't even want to be here.
I was wondering if anyone could offer insight or advice to help me navigate this situation. Thank you for reading!
Yeah, I'm with the others.
Yeah, I'm with the others. You need to ask DH to set limits on her when she's there and ask her to pick up after herself, but 24 hours once a month is not much visitation to have to put up with.
And even if BM's husband has money, it's not his job to support SD, her parents have to do it.
You have issues with her
You have issues with her behavior. Those can be addressed. Work out with your DH what the house rules are (clean up after yourself, help with dishes, etc.). And have HIM enforce that. He's a parent and should be parenting her.
You can't control what BM does. If your DH is constantly on the phone with her or jumping when she says jump, that's the issue to deal with. Otherwise, it's irritating, yes, but let it go. There's also nothing you can do about court-ordered child support. It sucks, but you're wasting energy being resentful.
But you CANNOT tell a child she can't stay at her father's home. Your DH is being extremely accommodating by going to Gma's every other visit. Figure out what bugs you the most, deal with her behavior surrounding that, and move on.
I agree with the others. You
I agree with the others. You can't reasonably say she can't come, but you can address the behavior. I agree that having kids take over the entire house and leave messes all the time is miserable. The adults pay for the house but the kids rule the roost - no thank you! I'll even admit that when it's my kids, i don't mind nearly as much as when it's someone else's. That's just the way it is. Even though it's just every other weekend, there can be standards. Come up with what would work for you and talk to your DH.
Yes, teenagers are annoying,
Yes, teenagers are annoying, but this one sounds like she's in the Normal range. DH should address the eye-rolling, and ignore BM's texts. You are not required to join them for dinner. If SD is bored and unhappy, maybe she could bring a friend along.
Please don't use the office the one day a month she is there, she should be entitled to privacy.
Hi all, thank you for your
Hi all, thank you for your responses. I appreciate hearing your perspectives, and I'm definitely taking them to heart. I've re-read this thread many times already!
I guess I have a problem with feeling uncomfortable in my own home and feeling like I don't matter. SD doesn't even want to be here. If she doesn't cancel, she acts miserable the entire time. Just stay home, then! Why should I marginalize myself and be banished to the bedroom for a teenager with a bad attitude? Or, why should I leave my own home to stay somewhere else? She doesn't rule the roost here. She's a GUEST and needs to understand that staying here isn't a right. It pisses me off that I have no say in any of this, when it effects my life. This is my home, too. I don't see why they keep pushing sleepovers, when day trips to Grandmom's are a happier solution for everyone. I feel like these sleepovers are just to placate guilty DH so he feels like a more involved parent (despite the fact that 0 parenting takes place when she's here)
I agree with the poster who
I agree with the poster who said she should have privacy in the bedroom when there. Maybe if you put a tv in there and told her to watch tv in there when she wants to watch a show, and doesn't take over the living room? That seems reasonable and keeps you from feeling like you have to stay in your bedroom.
Your husband has a right to
Your husband has a right to have visits with his minor daughter, and as such, she kind of does have the right to be there.
As long as she is under 18
As long as she is under 18 and not starting fires, she is family, not a guest.
With all do respect...
"She's a GUEST and needs to understand that staying here isn't a right. It pisses me off that I have no say in any of this, when it effects my life. "
I agree with all of the other posters. I think I might add something with all do respect. You are very young to be in this situation. You are also acting very young. This is not about just being in a step-situation this is about being in a marriage and any relationship. It's give and take and understanding. You really need to stop and think about where your actions might make you land. If you alienate your husband from his child do you really think that will be a plus for your marriage? I can just about promise you that it won't be. While you may feel uncomfortable that is really your issue to figure out not your DH or this child.
Listen we all have issues in step life that is what brings us here but with age and wisdom I think most of have learned what we can and can't do. I would say that telling our DH's that they can't have their kids visit (unless there is a deeper reason) or telling the child they can't visit would be at the top. You married this man as a package deal you can't now ask him to get rid of the package. It is 1 day once a month I think you need to work through it. I think you also need to put a smile on your face and suck it up for that short time. You do not want your DH blaming you if she stops coming.
Your position is very
Your position is very unreasonable. It's her dads house too, and she has a right to also feel comfortable and at home like you do 99.9 of the time. Don't use the office that one weekend a month. YOu have it pretty good, keep pushing and he will leave the relationship, maybe that's your end goal?
Guest?
You should consider finding a boyfriend without kids. You cannot make a person’s kid disappear, which you seem to think you can accomplish. More importantly, she is not a guest at her father’s house. Finally, you and the child are not contempories- there is a big difference between a 27 year old and 13 year old. Honestly, it sounds like you have not thought this out fully.
Nahh.
Your plan reeks of manipulative bullshit.
Don't be that SParent.
Your SO has a modified EOWE visitation and you are attempting to ban your mate from having his child in his home for any 24 hour period.
The test of reasonableness has to apply in all directions IMHO.
If I directly told those
If I directly told those things to my DH he would probably leave me. You're making him choose your or his kid which is immature, manipulative, and messed up.
Now if you don't want SD there you can make her visits less fun or your house less comfortable with indirect ways. For example I convinced my husband not to spend so much money on SD weekends doing expensive things that we all hated except SD. We started doing things like museums and having quality time but SD just equates money with love so she stopped wanting to come on her own. They usually stop wanting to come anyway during preteen and teen years.
You lack the subtlety to be a stepparent.
I guess I have a problem with
I guess I have a problem with feeling uncomfortable in my own home and feeling like I don't matter.
Why should I marginalize myself and be banished to the bedroom for a teenager with a bad attitude?
Or, why should I leave my own home to stay somewhere else? She doesn't rule the roost here.
All of your issues with SD actually come down to issues with your husband (it's just easier to blame it on, and resent, his daughter).
He is the one who makes you feel like you don't matter when she is there. He is the one who makes you feel like you can't use any room in the house, except your own bedroom, when she is there, he is the one who lets his daughter "rule the roost" when she is there. He is the one who doesn't make her clean up after herself.
To say that a 13 year old shouldn't still have visitation with her father is just wrong. Teenagers, as well as 5 year olds, need their fathers in their lives.
Unfortunately, you really didn't know the dynamic and hadn't had a taste of real step life, because of them having visitation at Grandmas until 8 months ago. Big mistake.
but I kind of want to go just to talk to SD myself. I'm thinking of saying something to her along the lines of "Isn't is so much better at Grandmom's house? She has cute pets, and it's closer to your house. This visitation arrangement really works for everyone, you know? It can be kind of stressful when you visit our apartment."
If you want to suggest the above to your husband and get him to agree to it, go for it. But to try to manipulate the girl into it, because it's what you want and will make your life easier, is plain wrong and I hope you are prepared for the consequences when your husband finds out.
This is a case of "some people should not marry someone who has kids AND some people with kids (Disney Dads) should not re-marry and drag someone else into their dysfunction".
You and your husband are both wrong. Going behind his back is not going to fix it.
I think we're being punked.
I think we're being punked. Check out the OP's name and compare it to the definiton below.
Etymology: The origin of the word Orchid. The name comes from the Ancient Greek ὄρχις (órkhis), literally meaning “testicle“, because of the shape of the root.