Help! New step mother in law
My husband was raised by his paternal grandparents because his parents were teenagers and walked out on him. My husbands dad has been sporadically involved since we've been married.
My husbands dad recently remarried for the 4th time...and they moved 5 minutes away from us. His new wife has been, from my perspective, incredibly pushy. She has insisted that she and I become intimate friends and has been angry we won't teach our children to call her grandma. We've had many boundary problems with them. It's been very overwhelming and shocking, as my husbands dad previously has shown almost no interest in us.
I am very confused by what is and is not appropriate for my husbands dad and new wife. Neither of them raised my husband, yet they seem to think we suddenly must operate like a happy healthy whole family. I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being friends with her and of teaching my kids to call her grandma, especially because my husbands dad has been through so many relationships before. Am I wrong to feel that way? Advice please!
I am very confused by what is
I am very confused by what is and is not appropriate for my husbands dad and new wife. Neither of them raised my husband, yet they seem to think we suddenly must operate like a happy healthy whole family.
What is appropriate, is what you and your husband decide is appropriate. Blood, alone, does not make a family. Your husband's bio dad has barely been in his life and his wife, well, she does not get a say in what your kids call her. And, if you don't want an intimate relationship with her, you certainly don't have to have one.
Stick to your boundaries, and I mean HARD. That's the only way to keep pushy people in their place. Do not let them run all over you. If you give in to even one thing, they will take that as a sign to go all the way. It will be exhausting for you, at first, but they will get the message and tire of it, eventually (hopefully).
And really, I would not consider her your husband's step mother, nor your step mother-in-law.
Ok, thank you for saying you
Ok, thank you for saying you wouldn't consider her to be a stepmother or step mother in law. That's how I was feeling, but I guess all the pressure was making me feel guilty. Your thoughts were very helpful I appreciate it!
Never feel guilty for
Never feel guilty for defining and sticking to your boundaries, especially when it comes to your family, your kids. You and your husband get to decide who is to be a part of your children's lives, and how.
Guilt, overall, is a useless emotion, anyway. Don't let them put any type of guilt trip on you because you won't give them what THEY want.
The only person who should be
The only person who should be feeling guilty is your dh's bio father for being absent when his son was growing up.
Have your kids call her Mrs.
Have your kids call her Mrs. Lastname. When someone has demonstrated indifference and toxicity for nearly their entire life, they are not worthy of a place in your life and family.
My guess is that FIL is feeling his mortality and though he has had little to nothing to do with your DH nearly your DH's entire life, he whined to his new wife about it and now she is driving a relationship with your DH and your family as her cause dujour to demonstrate to her new DH how engaged she is.
Meh
Maintain your distance. A friendship takes two. If you don't want it, don't engage.
Thank you for this! Mrs
Thank you for this! Mrs lastname....haha!! I feel she's been more interested in us than my husbands dad, which feels off to me. Anyway, I do appreciate your validation- I was starting to feel like I was the one with a problem!
Think about it: what kind of
Think about it: what kind of person goes in, as the FOURTH wife, demanding that kids call her Grandma shortly after they've met her. Sounds like her desire to be "Grandma" is the only reason your DH's father is even seeing the kids. Tell her that you do not know her well enough for that kind of nickname, but maybe as the kids get to know her, that will change (it won't. I know). Then let her get mad, what's she going to do, cut you off? Bye!
Yes, it all felt very "off"
Yes, it all felt very "off" to me, but I guess their guilt tripping started to get the best of trusting my own judgement. She is certain she's going to be the one to fix my husbands dad, and that they'll stay married forever. Her attitude seems to be that she's going to make sure we are one big happy family now that she's here...which is yucky to me! Anyway, thank you for your validation!
She sounds like a control
She sounds like a control freak. She can try to fix your FIL all she wants, but you guys don't have to go along with that.
My question is, what story
My question is, what story did your FIL tell her to make her think this behavior is okay? Or, as tog mentioned, does she just REALLY want to be a grandma?
By Wife #4, either your FIL is extremely transparent about his past marriages (which is possible) and his new wife is just batty, or more likely, he has lied about his closeness to his son to keep the wife around. Or it's a combination of the two: she wants to be grandma and she found a man with grandkids, and he exaggerated how close he was to them to keep her coming around.
I think having a very blunt talk with them both about the truth of the relationship amongst you, together, and saying "no, that is not happening" every time they cross a line is what needs to happen. If they try guilting you, remind them that FIL left DH, DH was raised by others, their relationship is tenuous at best, FIL has had many relationships with many women, and you and DH don't feel comfortable with New Wife being "Grandma" when FIL is barely "Grandpa".
Wash, rinse, repeat. Over and over until they either get the hint or you all finally cut them off completely.
Just a thought, but FIL may
Just a thought, but FIL may be having regrets and new SMIL may be playing th epart of the fixer. If she can develop a relationship with your family then she becomes the bridge that fixes her husband's and son's relationship. The boundaries are yours and your husband's to assign.
You will have to be clear and united on when they are welcome and when they are not. I have a very pushy mother so I know this is easier said than done.
As for the "grandma" tag, this is a name earned not taken. All of the children in our family assign names as they grow. I have a 4yo grandchild who has called me everything from my name (or dirivetives of), to mom, grandma, grammy, granny, and occasionaly aunt, because she hears my great niece refer to me as such. Children will usually find a name hat sticks and most of the children in the family will begin to use that name and there is usually a distinguisher. Growing up I had a grandma, grandmother (great), mamaw, and shaky grandma (she had tremors and she thought that name was hilarious). the children applied these names as their relationships devleoped. So for pushy SMIL, let her know you will allow the children to decide what to call her as their relationship with her develops but unitl then they will use her first name.
I had a SM and SD fromt the time I was 8. I never felt comfortable calling SM mom, but began calling SD dad right away. I call my MIL mom, because she is like a mom to me, but I call my FIL by his first name as he is hard to get to know. My SGD calls me grandma and was never asked to do so. My bio children (from the time they were teens) called their SM mom and BD by his first name. I know BD was a crappy dad but I had comfort in knowing that if my children called their SM mom she was very good to them growing up. Trust your children to accept or reject her as they feel comfortable. It will also be a good indicator of how well they are treated by this person.