How young is too young to decide sexual identity?
Hi all,
I'm new to this page and looking for some advice from fellow parents. I've been with my SO for about a year and his son refers to me as his second mom. We've gotten along from the start and I love him to pieces. My SO's now ex-wife cheated on him and came out as lesbian. They've been separated since.
Sunday evening while SS(6) was at his moms, he called to tell us goodnight. BM was in the background and asking SS if he told dad and I his "secret." He told her no and continued showing us their dog at her house. BM again asked why he hadn't told us his "secret" and told him he should. SS then says "Dad, guess what? I'm gay."
I want to make it clear- my problem is not with him being gay. My problems are 1) her forcing him to tell us before he wanted to, and 2) her putting that label on him at such a young age.
Due to covid, he's had little to no exposure to other kids. He hasn't had the opportunity to play or socialize with anyone except over a computer screen. Before that, he was babysat by his grandma, so except for seeing his cousins, he hasn't really had the opportunity to play with other kids. Boys nor girls.
Not only that, but the day prior when we had him over, he was incorrectly using the term "gay." His uncle (inappropriately) used the term and said "ha, that's gay" in front of SS. (That's an issue for another time, we have already addressed it and it's not appropriate, I know.) SS then later said "Haha! ______ is gay!" referring to his cousin. I quickly nipped that in the butt, and explained that that is a term that can be mean if used incorrectly. I told him we weren't going to use that word until he knew what it meant, and told him his dad and I could explain it to him later that evening. (We were right in the middle of hanging up a door and didn't have the ability to explain it then and there.) Fast forward to sunday, and that's when he called us and BM wanted him to tell us he was gay. My SO and I quickly became frustrated, because the day prior he had no idea what it even meant. AND, why should a 6 year old child be thinking about their sexual preference at this time? We both feel that's too young to decide one way or another.
BM is now accusing us of being homophobic (not sure how I can be homophobic when I myself am bisexual.. but alright.)
Personally, I feel that BM is "grooming" him so to speak.. There's been several occasions that ss has come back to our house with painted nails, or an eyebrow slit. BM also puts him in dresses for tiktok videos. Don't get me wrong, these things are okay if thats what ss WANTS. But he informed me he didn't want his nails painted or his eyebrow shaved. He only did it after she asked several times and he gave in. Can we do anything? If ss is gay, so be it! I'll love him no matter what. But if bm is grooming, influencing or pushing him to be who he isn't, thats where I draw the line. What can we do, if anything?
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Comments
Ridiculous. BM is totally
Ridiculous. BM is totally trying to convince him he's "gay", so he can be more like her.
From what you describe
BM is projecting her own identity onto your SS. It doesn't sound like his own exploration of his sexual identity which he is probably not ready for at 6.
I'm not sure what can be done about it as I don't get the sense that BM would take that feedback well from your SO.
I do think you handled the situation with him using the world inappropriately really well.
Yes, I think your SS is too
Yes, I think your SS is too young to determine sexual identity, especially if he is saying he doesn't like the nail painting and dresses and since it is clear he doesn't know the meaning of the word. BM is projecting her sexual identity onto SS and BM is internalizing your DH/your response, which is why she is lashing out at you both. She likely feels like you are attacking/judging her directly. BM sounds insecure and wants SS to be just like her and if he is not, she will feel rejection, which is what she is likely trying to avoid. I think you handled it perfectly! But this will be an ongoing challenge because BM will likely continue to project her image onto SS.
Our BM dated men until age 24 and now is with a woman. I am not sure how she identifies or even if she identifies as LGBTQA because she appears to be BPD and this revelation seems to follow her attention seeking pattern of behavior. She doesn't seem as in love with GF as she has been with men in the past, but GF comes with other qualities like money and status. Regardless, that is none of my business. BM also used to paint SS' nails and treat him like a girl. BM used to say that SS wanted it, but SS never did; BM wanted SS to be "gender fluid." This continued until SS was 6 and was teased at school. He is now 9 and a super macho football boy.
My SS seems to be confused, but I'm not sure if it is necessarily about his own identity. He has told DH and I that he feels our heterosexual marriage is "weird" because he is around BM and GF all the time. BM's brother also identifies as LGBTQA so SS has his influence as well. SS becomes very defensive around the topic. He always says "It doesn't matter if you like boys or girls, love is love" and DH and I fully support that and appreciate that he is so accepting at such a young age, but we don't want him to be pressured to identify one way or the other, especially at this age. We just want him to be a kid. We have told SS that we will always love and support him regardless, but that we just want him to be true to himself, whoever that may be, but uninfluenced by anyone else.
"It doesn't matter if you
"It doesn't matter if you like boys or girls, love is love" yet a heterosexual marriage is "weird". Fascinating. Some double standards there, I think.
Yeah, sounds like BM is
Yeah, sounds like BM is projecting.....
Next time SS comes over, ask him again if he knows what gay means, and you'll either hear BM speak coming from his mouth - or he will show that he doesn't know by not being able to explain it.
IMHO, a kid doesn't know their sexuality at 6 years of age.
Is 6 too young to know your
Is 6 too young to know your sexual identity? Ehhh...maybe? It's hard to say because kids that age have crushes on other kids and know what "cute" looks like to them. Now, whether that attraction will evolve into a sexual one or remains an aesthetic attraction/appreciation is hard to say. If we're going to allow kids to be straight at age 6, then we also need to allow them to be gay.
As a bi person, looking back on my younger self, I was probably 5-6 when I started liking people. However, I didn't have any LGBTQ people in my life, so I didn't know being gay or bi was an option. I don't know what my 5-6 year old brain thought at the time, but I shrugged it off until I was 11-12 and hit a bit of a wall where I felt different and didn't know why or what.
OP, my suggestion would be to just have open conversations with SS. He says he's gay? Okay, talk him through that. Buy him books that explain it. Watch shows with healthy LGBTQ relationships. Don't treat it any differently than you did when you assumed he was straight.
As for BM...I'd ignore her and what she has to say on the topic. Focus on SS. Focus on supporting him as a person. If you feel comfortable coming out to him, then do so in a cheerful, matter-of-fact way. If you approach LBGTQ relationships as just as valid as straight relationships, SS will either feel safe if he is gay or he'll know you're supportive of LGBTQ folks. Neither is a bad thing.
Children that young have no
Children that young have no idea about sexuality. Children's feelings change over time as they gorw and mature.
Even if he is gay he won't know or understand that until he is nearing adolescence.
I have always been convinced my friends son is likely gay since he was 4. But he isn't at an age where he thinks in terms of sexuality just preferences. His parents don't discuss sexuality with him they just nurture his interests without putting a label in anything he does. They don't encourage or discourage him from making decisions regarding his own interests they just support him.
I think that is the bigger issue BM labeling the child as gay. SS should just be allowed to explore his own self, interests and individuality.
At best he might have a vague
At best he might have a vague sense that he gets crushes on boys, but in no way could he possibly have a clear grasp of sexual identity. BM better be careful, there is still a big stigma around boys being gay, much more so than for girls. She's causing psychological harm as well as setting him up for bullying.
Empower him
"he informed me he didn't want his nails painted or his eyebrow shaved"
It's time to teach him about respecting others and being respected as well as "my body, my choice". Teach him to assert himself when someone tries to touch him or make him do things with/to his body that he doesn't want/like (and this includes nail polish and shaved eyebrows). You're never too young to learn about respect.
THIS. SS needs to learn that
THIS. SS needs to learn that it's not just strangers that you're allowed to say no to. Family and friends are included in this. He can tell BM "NO, I don't want my nails painted" or whatever. And DH needs to be willing to back up SS to BM and make that a hill to die on with her.
"Don't you dare yell at me, BM. How dare YOU violate our son's personal autonomy by forcing him to do something with his body that he doesn't want to do. This isn't the same as brushing his teeth or taking a bath. He has the right to say no, and you are teaching him that he has no power or say over his body. That's a bad message, and one I don't want him learning and internalizing because it may not be you he needs to say no to in the future."
It does have to accompany a conversation with SS about how he has the right to say no, but there are certain things he and BM may tell him to do that he needs to for his health and safety, like brush his teeth or take bad tasing medicine. But he can say no to having his nails painted, his eyebrow shaved, types of makeup, clothing designs, etc. Also empower him to ask questions if he isn't sure, and to speak up if he thinks something happened that he doesn't know was a good or bad thing.
Someone I love dearly came
Someone I love dearly came out as bisexual at 16. They now identify as being in the wrong body. When I asked, they said they knew at the age of 10.
I will not 'out' this person because it's not my duty to do so. Family knows because they were told directly by them.
Your stepson's mom was rude AF to out her child if he is gay. Major league overstepping on her part, and I hope he isn't mentally damaged by her big mouth.
Big difference between
A six yo and a 10 or 12 yo child. At six they don't under stand sexual relationship. Or what gay actually means. You have a sick BM