Interesting convo with DH
I can't remember what started the convo, but DH ended up filling me in on a few details from his convo with psycho SIL last weekend. There were a couple interesting takeaways:
The first was that SIL kept saying that DH is just like their dad. DH thought part of that might be because his mom always claimed his dad favored him over his sister (I definitely have not seen that personally, so who knows). And SIL made some comment about me not being a mom to SD and being a "boy mom." As in I don't like SD because she's not a boy. Which makes zero sense because I obviously did not purposely have all boys, but whatever. My takeaway from this is that they're just as confused as to why we don't think SD is The Greatest Child in the World as everyone else is about why the DO think she's the second coming of Jesus. Also, SIL is probably getting somewhat brainwashed by MIL into feeling sorry for SD because SD is a "victim" like MIL claims SIL was. One of the things that was supposedly a huge deal relating to SILs perceived favoritism was that DH was asked once by FIL to change the oil in his truck, even though SIL was in school to be an automechanic. Seems like a stretch to me.
The second big thing is that when DH told me SIL had said I wasn't a mom to SD, I said to DH that I definitely am not and would never deny that. And he replied with "yeah, but if she was a different kid you would be." WOW. What a difference a couple years makes. So nice to hear that he knows I tried and that it's on SD that we're not close. (And to clarify - on his end and my end we mean motherly- not replacing her actual mother. Although I know SIL actually means a 2nd mother). I mean I have heard it before from a couple other people, but that acknowledgment from DH I never thought would happen. Total 180 from how it was at one point.
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I hope your DH informed SIL
I hope your DH informed SIL that it was never your job to be SD's mom. She has a mom, and it's DH's job to be her parent at your home.
It is interesting to hear the opposing view though - that they think SD doesn't get treated right because you treat her differently than your other kids. Well of course you do! Sad that even if they do think it's wrong that she's treated differently, they can't just observe that and not interfere by trying to compensate for it in some manner.
Sounds to me like FIL was just a sexist jerk when he asked DH to change the oil, but for SIL it's an old family of origin wound to feel disfavored.
I'm not sure what he said in
I'm not sure what he said in response, the only thing I heard was that when she started saying "as a stepmom" he cut her off and told her she's not a stepmom. Which I'm sure deeply offended her because she refers to her boyfriend's kid as her daughter and majorly oversteps boundaries there too.
I think SIL might actually believe the favoritism thing, but I also think any perceived favoritism in that direction is mainly put in her head by MIL. To MIL equal is the same as favoring the one that she doesn't favor.
The interfering thing is my bottom line in this whole issue. It doesn't matter what they think THEY ARE NOT THEIR KIDS AND THIS IS NOT THEIR HOME. Unless there is actual abuse they need to stay in their lanes and be grandparents/aunt. They all have huge boundary issues though. SILs insane response when I set one with her (it's not up to her what SD does at our house) says a lot.
Exactly. I mean, I have my
Exactly. I mean, I have my opinions on how my siblings raise their kids, but I don't go telling my nieces and nephew or trying to compensate for it somehow (they are all good parents, just a variety of parenting styles). We joked once that on a family vacation, my sister was ironing her young daughter's t-shirt for an 8-hour car ride, while my brother's daughter of the same age had been wearing hers for 3 days. I didn't iron the other niece's shirt to make up for it (frankly, I didn't really care, it was just a funny juxtaposition).
It's not their business how you and DH choose to raise your kids, including SD. And it's blatantly wrong and hurtful to treat your kids worse than SD because they think she somehow gets the short end of the stick. So dysfunctional.
Exactly. Everything they are
Exactly. Everything they are complaining about are parenting choices. We don't step in when she's screaming at her kids over nothing. What's interesting is that she has stood there and disciplined my kids at my house over ridiculous things (I stepped in on that) but once when her daughter was playing with something breakable and I gently moved her away from it she was weird about it. And MIL almost had a panic attack once when I reminded SD to keep her voice down because the baby was sleeping.
I don't buy that it's good intentioned on their part. They treated SD differently before the boys were even born. And MIL was nasty to ODS from the getgo. I think its just them nitpicking to find excuses to hide behind for their poor behavior. And a sense of entitlement.
I don't think it's good
I don't think it's good intentioned, it comes from a place of deep family dysfunction. But they THINK it's good-intentioned, because they don't see the family dynamics that have played out through the generations.
I'm assuming they're all lost
I'm assuming they're all lost causes. At least DH gets it now.
Sounds a little like my
Sounds a little like my husband's family. His maternal grandmother favors (and has since they were kids) my husband's brother, supposedly because she thought that their mother favored my husband - so grandma felt she was evening things up by favoring the other boy.
I dont think there was actual
I dont think there was actual favoritism, probably some sexism like tog mentioned above. I think its something MIL put in SILs head for manipulation. FIL definitely favors SD now and seems to go along with MIL with favoring SD and SIL.
Because you have boys means
Because you have boys means you don't know how to be a mom to SD....... *mega eye roll*
Does SIL have kids? Or does she just live vicariously through BM?
She has girls herself. And
She has girls herself. And her boyfriend has a daughter, who she refers to as her own daughter. It's strange that she doesn't even mind her own kids being second to SD.
Even more bizarre. The energy
Even more bizarre. The energy the waste and relationships they damage to make SD queen of all the castles (your ILs, SILs, BMs, even yours) is insane.
They all are crazy.
Yes. And it's pointless
Yes. And it's pointless because it's never gonna happen here. All they're doing is ruining her relationship with DH.
It's so weird, this
It's so weird, this overcompensating. In-laws do the same with ss. They send him gifts to bms and nothing to our two. Dh had requested they not send gifts to any of the kids, but that cards were fine. My kids don't get cards either.
It is weird. If they think SD
It is weird. If they think SD is not treated right, you'd think they'd want to arrogantly demonstrate how to do it by getting all the kids the exact same thing and waving in your face that that's how it's done.
Seems like it's just as much intended to slight the second wife as it is their kids.
Your last sentence made me
Your last sentence made me realize that they are doing it to slight me. Eff them.
Sorry. :( But it sure seems
Sorry. :( But it sure seems like it - why punish little kids for how their half-sibling is treated (supposedly)? Seems like OP's in-laws are upset that she treats her own kids better/differently than she treats SD (supposedly), so they punish her by ignoring her kids. Sick.
Yes. That and this is
Yes. That and this is apparently the 3rd generation of females being treated differently to males in DHs family. I do also think part of this was intended to cause issues between DH and I because MIL wants to be number one forever. And now she's crying about how that's backfired, because our relationship has actually improved through all of this.
Yes, narcissistic people do
Yes, narcissistic people do like to pit all of their kids against each other with them at the center.
DHs older half sister has
DHs older half sister has stepped out if it completely. She rarely talks to any of them and never comes up to visit anymore. DH is now also stepping out of it completely, other than occasional communication with the half sister. So it'll be interesting to see what happens between BM, MIL and SIL now that their targets are out of the picture.
They'll turn on each other
They'll turn on each other and rotate through the drama triangle - victim, rescuer, persecutor. The sad thing is that SD will be in the loop and they will likely turn on her, too.
I do feel bad for SD at times
I do feel bad for SD at times. Othertimes not so much. And I will say, she is pretty good at telling people to F off and definitely is not fragile like they make her out to be.
I also feel like our hands are tied though and even attempting to do much at this point is just putting ourselves and kids up for sacrifice. I do think next time we see SD we should explain a little bit about what happened with SIL, since she's hearing stuff about us from them and they've already put her in the middle. At least then she has the information to decide for herself what she wants to believe, instead of only their side. And she can choose for herself what she wants to do with that info.
This is assuming there is a next time, I have no idea how BM is going to handle it the next time she's supposed to be here. She'd look pretty stupid dropping her off no questions asked after making such a huge deal about having to come rescue her.