First, she might only be 5 but she should not be jumping on the couch. That is a no-no at any age. Second, sounds like you two are moving way too fast. You need to sit down and have a talk about what role he is going to play as an adult figure once you guys have had time to figure out if this is even going to last long term.

And by BF being and having a positive relationship what does that mean? If you want to make this last and someday become a blended family you have to understand what your expectations are when it comes to parenting and what his are. If you are both not on the same page there is going to be problems and unhappiness on both sides.

I agree that it is a pretty quick moving scenario when you have only been dating 6 months and he is living in the home with you and your kids.

Ideally, you and he would be dating.  And if he was not living with your 5 yo.. it would not be as apparently necessary for him to be involved in disciplining her.  

It sounds like the things he is interested in her learning are things that are well within the capabilities of a 5 year old.  Whether his methods are too harsh... etc?  we aren't there to see it.  If he is also having positive interactions.. it may not be wrong for him to be doing this.. other than the fact that you have asked him not to discipline if I am reading this correctly.

But.. here is the issue.. if he can't correct her .. does he have to just let her do things that are wrong?  Maybe he thinks you are being too lax with her.. and you need to be more on the same page for expectations.

I think that the ideal solution would be for you to not live together until you have a more solid relationship and your kids have both adjusted to him more.  She is likely having issues due to missing her dad.. but also this new person dropped suddenly into her life.

I've not read the other comments so I'm just going to give my opinion from my own perspective.

My partner has a sister whos husband was a drug addict, she kept getting back with him on and off for 10 years because she wanted a dad and a man in her sons life. I seem to remember her saying that she just didn't want a man in her life anymore.

10+ years later having been a step dad I think to myself that if I had children with another woman and we split up, I would NOT want another woman in my life, I would not want to put another woman through having to raise another persons children. My opinion and thoughts are it just doesn't work. I've been a step dad for 10+ years, I have tried my best. I am sure there are realy good stories out there, but my story is.....No!

You want to raise your kids your way and the other person who has no say in the matter will want to raise them his way and it will always come down to....'They are my children, don't tell me what to do.' -----'What, are you saying I'm a bad mother?'

So my point is this and I truly believe this....Raise your child on your own, have relationships, but do not get involved or have somebody else come in to the situation. Until your child grows up and leaves, keep everything seperate. As I said, every situation is different, but my feeling is that adding another man into the situation will TRULY FU$k up that child's life, especially if they are a boy. The psycological situation that occurs, especially when they reach teen years is something that no other man needs to deal with. It is hard enough when it is your own child. When it is somebody else's the shit is about to hit the fan.

When children get to a point where the undertand more, question more, all hell is going to break loose and what I mean by that is....They will question everything, they will question why every other friend still has parents that are still together, they will question why their mum and dad are not together, they will question why, they will question why didn't they stay together for me for us. It's a bloody minefield of emotions that another man should not have to deal with.

It sounds to me like he is too involved in disciplining your daughter.  This is not to say that he shouldn't ever discipline her.  If she is rude to him, does something dangerous, gets into his stuff and things like that, he should feel free to correct her.  By correct I mean tell her rudeness or touching someone else's things is unacceptable, or physically stopping her from doing a dangerous thing.  He shouldn't be issuing punishments, like taking away her toys or anything like that, if you're there.  He really shouldn't be correcting her at all for things that don't directly involve him/his possessions if you're present.  If she's jumping on your couch and you're right there watching it, that's something he should address with you, not her.  OTOH, if you're at his apartment and she's jumping on his couch and you say nothing, he should feel free to correct her.  When I was dating my DH, before we lived together, I limited my disciplining of his kids to what I would say to a friend's kids if they were doing the same thing.  Now, if he is alone with the kids, or watching them for you, that's a whole different set of rules, and then he should be able to discipline the same way a babysitter would.  You can't have responsibility without authority.
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Is your 5 year old in therapy to deal with the divorce and her father's absence?  It might help her deal with the situation she's in, including your new boyfriend.  You should also take a close look at her behavior.  Just make sure you're not letting her get away with too much.  It could be that your boyfriend is overly strict, but it could be that you're overly lax.  Or it could be that he's just on the strict side of normal and you're on the lax side, and then you have to figure out if the two of you can compromise.  In any event, you probably want to take things slow.  Your 5 year old has been through a lot.

If you lived together then he should be an equity parent to any children in the relationship home, just as you would be. Regardless of kid biology.

I am also team the more strict parent in the home trumps the more lenient parent.

However, as early in this relationship as you are.... and considering that you do not live together I would say that your BF should not be disciplining your 5yo.  So, this lands firmly on you to parent your 5yo in a way that puts your BF at ease.... or.... end the relationship.

IMHO of course.

I never once disciplined my SS. It's not my job. Your BF needs to back off. 

It sounds like he has issues accepting your boundaries...I would be curious to see what that looks like in other aspects of your relationship. Just because you knew him in school and feel like you have known him forever, doesn't mean he's a good fit for you and your children.

I parent similarly to you and am not super strict. My kids do infact do handstands on our couches and we just don't have a coffee table because it is safer. In public, they behave completely appropriately, but I want them to be exactly who they are and I don't want to stifle their personalities with arbitrary rules in their home. I'm married to their father, and we agree on parenting choices with them and skids. I would be upset if my theoretical boyfriend over-disciplined my kids. I think getting on the same page before living together would have been a good move. Maybe family or couples therapy would help.

I think you should take a few steps back and just work on building your relationship with this man. Your kids have already had enough dealing with Thier absence of their father.

You should wait until your kids have a sense of security before bringing someone else into their lives full time. 

Once you have established your relationship and what your future with this man is going to look like them you can discuss parenting and what that will look like.

Because some day dad will be back and that will be a whole other set of issues.

 its just that he came into her life suddenly and is picking on all these things she does that no one has ever said anything to her before. 

Nobody would be coming into MY home and telling my kids what is what (especially only 6 months in).

But I feel like he is constantly on her about things she is doing that I don't think are a big deal - like jumping on the couch or getting out of the chair the wrong way or forgetting to pick up her things - she's 5!! 

If you don't mind that she jumps on your couch, what business is it of his? Did he buy it?

Agree that you are moving too fast and need to slow down. Does he come over everyday?

Yes, it is unrealistic to expect a fellow adult to be around your kids so much and not be able to have a say in their behavior. Why would anyone want to hang out with poorly behaved kids? I'm not saying they are poorly behaved, I don't know, but it is highly likely they are not perfect angels 24/7. Sidenote - jumping on the sofa is not acceptable in my house, regardless of age. If you want a future with him you have to allow him to be a part of your children's life in a parental way. It's not fair to expect someone to just step aside and allow what they see as irritating, rude behavior. If you don't trust him to be an adult around your kids, you shouldn't be with him. Seeing he has a daughter, it should be the same with you.

I have found that it is easier to overlook behaviors in your own kids that would annoy you coming from anyone else's. Early after my divorce i tended to be pretty permissive with my kids, and i dated a man who was like a drill sergeant with his. He was constantly annoyed with mine. Looking back, he was right about some things, but at that time i wasn't willing to compromise. I was still figuring out how to be a single parent and i wasn't ready to change the way i did things as much as it would have taken to stay with him.

It may be an issue of timing. You have a 1-year-old and you have been with this guy 6 months. Maybe you just need to be alone with your kids for a while. Enjoy your time with them, enjoy letting them be a little wild for a while if that's what you want. Take some time to figure out what you want for them and what you are willing to do to get there. Then maybe you will be better able to identify whether your parenting style is compatible with someone else's in the future.

It may also be that the guy you are with has a teen and is "done" with the little kid stuff, and just doesn't realize it. He might get annoyed with any childish behavior. You shouldn't let that take away from your enjoyment of the little kid years. 

Please don't hate me for saying this however I think 6 months is way too soon for him to be moving in and disciplining your daughter. If your daughter had been around him for years and gotten to know him for a longer period of time then I would understand but this is way too much too soon. On top of that he moved in so quickly and is trying to play dad to her. I can only imagine how she is feeling. This is so sad. Imagine being in her shoes and mom's boyfriend who you have never known suddenly moves in and starts taking over. It is not a healthy situation. To add he also seems to have fogotten how to parent children her age as he seems to be talking to her and treating her as if she is a teenager which is very odd since she is 5.

If I am going to give you honest advice I would suggest being single for awhile and focusing on your career and children. I would not tolerate a man trying to discipline my kids who has moved in after only 6 months of dating. Your kids barely know him. Dating and relationships can wait. Your kids need you now. They are so young. If money is an issue there are other ways to address the situation without involving a man that your kids barely know.

Have you considered what an adjustment it must be for your daughter to have another man show up and start acting as "Dad"? I imagine, since she has no knowledge as to where her BD has gone,this just might be strange and scary for a 5 yr old. When my DH and I decided to marry, we began slowly bringing our children into our relationship. We both agreed that for starters, we would just try to let the kids set the tone in the beginning. I got to know my DSS's as the little people they were and my DH did the same for my DS and DD. By the time we married, we were a family unit. The funniest result........my DDand DS always went to my DH with any family problems while my DSS's came to me! Your daughter deserves a chance to get to know this man before he has any place disciplining her. JMHO.

I can not see how anyone can live in a home, with kids. No matter who's kids they are.  And  being the adult. And not being able to say anything to the kids.   Like no jumping on the couch.   Then if child either backs talks or just doesn't listen. That  must be handle someway. 
No, I am going to tell your mother. And go through two hours of discussion.

When you go into a new relationship, things will not be all your way. And you will not see eye to eye. As in with your ex.

Adults have to be in control. When kids grow up move out then they can be in control.  It's unrealistic to think your BF will accept second class status.  Nothing is making you stay in this relationship.  But any new ones most likely will have the same problem