Late night opinions

Forums:

So. Few glasses of wine to the wind

This is a place I come to read other's thoughts and to get opinions on my own. So..

So brief recap. Adult autistic son, who has been very difficult over the last 18+ years on and off. This last covid year has been fu$king horrendous as far as I'm concerened. And this last year I've decided to have not a lot more to do with the step kids, I try to be decent but not really comunicating with SK2. I still do with SK1 who has autism. He is polite and lovely but comes with his issues.

Anyway. Me an my partner are going to some friends tomorrow with our kids, as far as I was aware for the last 2 months it was just us, a few moments ago she said to SK1 one with Autism that we ae going tomorrow and does he want to come. So I said to her a little later that it would be nice to be told that he might be coming because I may have decided not to come, because I need a break from him ESPECIALLY after the last year. He is very friendly, but he expects people to just listen to him and from my point of view the couple that we are seeing tomorrow are lovely and they will entertain every whim that he has, and won't say to him...Okay, we don't want to talk about this or that anymore we want to talk to your mum, dad or my kids. He dominates the conversation with things that are not that interseting, again in my opinion, because he can't pick up on the social cues and our friends will just entertain him.

I didn't say this to my partner but she said it was a horrible thing to say and I just said (after 10+ years of this) for thr first time ever, that if he is coming I might have said I wasn't going to come because I need a break from him too & that I was just trying to be open and honest because I am fed up with masking how I feel to protect her feelings when she doesn't think of mine or thinks I should just get on with it....Which I bloody have for a very long time.

Thoughts wanted, well, opinions really because she just has to deal with my reality now, because I've dealt with hers for so long without a care for me.

I hate the unspoken rule that

I hate the unspoken rule that step parents can't have the same opinion as bio parents. I love my DD3. But she's a handful and I do enjoy the rare date night with DH. No one would look at me sideways if I declared "Ah! So nice to be childfree tonight!". And we'll both enjoy taking our time to savour our meal, enjoy each other's company, give each other undivided attention. And then recharged and refreshed, return home to our child. But if a step parent declares "oh so nice to have a romantic couples dinner with no children in sight"....all hell breaks loose: "You hate my kid!!" etc.

So true. No I'll words must

So true. No I'll words must be spoken of the stepkid or you're a monster. You can't even agree with your partner if they complain about their own kid.

I'll be honest and say she's

I'll be honest and say she's not like that. When any of our kids go we both love the fact we have one less child in the house. I just think she heard...'I don't like your child and don't want to be around him'. Which is partly true. I do like him but I now limit the time I spend around him. I'll chat with him but for only so long as he doesn't know when to stop and always gets it onto subjects he wants to talk about & of course I do understand he has autism. He is a lovely boy but that's all for me folks.....I want to broach the subject at some point (which I know won't happen) of getting him into his own place. He wouldn't even need support as he is very independent.

You have the right to your

You have the right to your own feelings and needs. But as you set more boundaries, expect that she's going to push back and try to make you go back to how you were. Keep setting the boundaries anyway.

Thanks all. I think you are

Thanks all. I think you are right tog. I said it in a nice calm way but to her I think it comes across as. I don't like your son and I don't want to be anywhere near him. Which sometimes I don't especially in this upcoming event. I don't want it to be dominated by him and I want some time away from him.

I am setting my boundaries and expectations and making them very clear and standing my ground and pushing back myself and saying no..As you say I am entitled to feel the way I do and for a long time I denied that myself and kept it all / internalised it...I've paid my dues and done the best I could without asking for anything in return.

And in the meanwhile, stay

And in the meanwhile, stay warm and loving with your wife (it seems you do want to stay with her and still have feelings for her). That way it's clear you aren't "punishing her" or trying to manipulate her somehow, you are just setting boundaries that you need to set. And then expect her to be upset and act out in some way or other.

"I was hoping this was a trip for couples only, I was looking forward to some alone time with you and a break from the kids. But if you want SS1 to go, that's okay, I'll stay home. Have fun!" (without a hint of snark if possible).

Yes. I am very upfront / too

Yes. I am very upfront / too honest sometimes and I am doing my best to be diplomatic about things but I get frustrated. I try the gentle approach, I try another approach and nothing gets through, so then I have to use a sledge hammer to bang in a nail and then I get the --- 'Why do you have to be aggressive' response. The reason being is because she just listening to me. Just like yesterday when I gentle tried to say I wish she had told me SK1 was coming....I am mean and unreasonable and then the deflection and the argument ensues, but I'm just not having it now.

You are not wrong for your

You are not wrong for your feelings or expressing them. Since your DW took it wrong maybe you can try and communicate your feelings a little differently so she doesn't take it the wrong way.

Instead of saying if he was going you aren't. Maybe saying you were hoping to have some adult time with DW and friends since you rarely get a break from parenting.

Maybe also add that it's very

Maybe also add that it's very rude to invite someone extra to an evening where they weren't invited in the first place. Did she even clear it with your friends?

The friends had invited him,

The friends had invited him, he loves their company. I'm not trying to be mean but because of his autism when he meets people and they give him a little bit of time, he then thinks they are his friends and he is talking about meeting up with them, giving them a call and going out with them.

But, I didn't know he was invited until late last night. I thought it was just me and my kids and my partner and then next thing he was possible going to come, but luckily turned it down.

So. I've just come back from

So. I've just come back from our friends. What a lovely afternoon I've just had. They love my kids and they are so great with them. We've eaten, we've drunk and we've all had a lovely time in the sun and in their lovely garden.

It would have been so different if SK1 had come, the dynamic would have completely changed.

I've just come back and SK1 with Autism is here and immediately it is a depressing atmosphere, he unfortuntately at times just depresses things and I think his BM is depressed by it all too but she could never admit that to herself. We've walked in and instantly we're all thinking what's wrong SK1. I've just ignored it, I'm not dealing with it, I'm in a good mood, I don't need this $hit. He is sooooo depressing at times and it just brings the mood down because when he is depressed it is ALL about him and the way he is feeling, but I have myself to think about and if I am depressed I can't give the best to my kids.

Anyway. What a lovely afternoon it has been and I am not going to let anything bring me down, I just walk away. Having another glass of wine and listening to music on my own typing this.

"At no time in this

"At no time in this discussion have I said that I am done with your son. I said I need a break which clearly denotes temporary relief from his issues and not a punishment or long term position. Do not ascribe a position to me that I did not clearly state. If my message was not adequately clear for you to understand ask for clarification but do not assume that you understand what I said if you are in anyway confused. Have I ever said I was done with your son? No I have not."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

You are here