My responsibilities to his daughter, partner in prison
My boyfriend of 3 years just went to a prison/rehab program and he will be gone for 9 months. The issue here is, he has a 4 year old daughter and the mother of the child is not currently around. He made arrangements with one of his aunts and uncles to have her stay with them while he is gone. They were the best/safest option for her while he is gone and have kids of their own and have a very stable environment. The problem here is, he still thinks that I should keep his daughter for weeks at a time. I don’t think this is right because one, I’m not her biological mother, two, I don’t even have the means to take care of a child on my own right now. When I tell him this, he becomes so upset and tells me that I don’t care about his daughter and that I’m lazy? I do care for his daughter but i don’t feel that huge responsibility to her. I’ve never had an issue with him having a daughter and I have helped out with caring for her so much already. I’ve bought several things she needs etc. We get along and have a pretty good relationship too. I don’t think that means I’m supposed to become her mom though? Just because this unfortunate situation happened. It is constant guilt tripping from him, that I’m not seeing her enough while he is gone, not contacting her enough. I just feel like, I know his daughter is in safe hands so there’s nothing for me to worry about on that front? It was never my job to keep her and his aunts family volunteered to take her and are much more capable of looking after her day after day. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do? I truly feel so stressed and like I’m walking on eggshells because I never know when he is going to call me or write me mad, telling me I don’t do anything for him or his daughter just cause I don’t think it’s my place to be taking care of her at all. I know it’s kind of controversial since he is currently in prison because of drug related charges. So, I’m expecting comments of “why are you with a guy who went to prison?” But, this is a very difficult situation for me to think through and you feel differently when something like this actually happens to you. What is the correct way for me to handle this situation? Thank you.
She is not your
She is not your responsibility and he should not be trying to make her so.
You might want to re-think this relationship. You should not have to walk on eggshells because he is trying to force you make his responsibility, yours. If he wants to put a guilt trip on somebody, he should look in the mirror, it's his own fault he will not be there for his daughter for the next 9 months.
Seriously, the guy sounds like a jerk and I would hope that you can do better.
When reading your story, the
When reading your story, the part that is more alarming to me is the fact that you feel you're walking on eggshells even through phone and written communication. Even though there's no physical proximity you're still doing that much emotional ballet to manage his emotions for him. He can be upset if he wants to be upset, but you've said no! His daughter is safe and well cared for, and she doesn't need you stepping in as a mother. You've already made your case and pointed out that you don't have a resources to take of her, but also it's not okay that he's pushing you here. You also have no legal say over this girl! You can't make medical decisions for her, school decisions for her, or anything like that.
For me, the red flag feeling like I'm walking on egg shells around someone's anger of a really clear-cut and common sense boundary would be a sticking point. That would not be in a relationship I could stay in and stay healthy long-term, but if you are choosing to stay, I definitely see if there is someone you both could talk to about communication, because what happens when you say no to other things at other times? will you eventually feel like you can't stand up for yourself? Please know that that is not OK from a partner, and your boundary is incredibly reasonable and OK to have.
I would guess he is
I would guess he is displacing his guilt (at not being their for his daughter) and anger (at being inside) onto you. I can understand that he is probably under a lot of stress, but that should not be piled onto you.
I agree with the poster above that if you cannot have a reasonable boundary (not looking after his kid) without him getting overly upset then this guy is not emotionally mature enough for you. He should be trying to see things from your point of view or at least accept your boundary and stop pestering you about it.
Wait, he got himself sent to
Wait, he got himself sent to prison but YOU are the one who doesn't care about her? This guy sounds borderline abusive - are you sure you want to be around when he gets out? He's trying to control you from behind bars. Calling you names, disparaging you ... he's lucky you are even willing to be there for him, much less his kid.
Up your standards in a mate.
End of problem.
Drug users/convicts are probably not top tier candidates for an equity life partnership.
As for caring for his daughter, you are not being unreasonable nor are you underperforming as imprisioned dad's GF.
You owe neither of them a thing and if anything you have delivered above and beyond your role in this toxic family mess. You know the 4yo is in a safe place being cared for my loving family. Beyond confiming that to be the case, none of this is on you.
Take care of you.
IMHO of course.
If you feel like you're
If you feel like you're walking on eggshells because you never know when he'll call you or write you mad, you are in the wrong relationship. You should not fear your partner or need to walk on eggshells around him (or in this case when you're nowhere near him). You have no responsibility to take care of his daughter. You've told him you're not in a position to do so and he's still trying to get you to do it. Obviously he has no respect for you and your needs and desires. I'd give serious thought to whether you should stay with this guy. I sure wouldn't.
I'm very sorry you are
I'm very sorry you are feeling so stressed and anxious. It can be very difficult to know what to do in emotional situations and I'm sorry you have to go through this.
In general I agree with Bethanne above. He is likely projecting his own guilt and self-anger onto you. Although he probably doesn't realize it, the things he's saying to you are likely really about himself.
Having said that, it's still unacceptable. He needs to work on himself so he can be a better father and partner. However it's up to him if he will do that, you cannot force him to change. You have fulfilled your responsibility as a decent adult in making sure his daughter is in a safe place. He should be grateful.
Keep in mind, people seldom experience personal growth in prison. Unless you know for sure he is getting serious help with any drug problems along with professional counseling you should not expect much improvement. Even then who knows....
You don't have to fix this. Let the girl have a safe stable life with the aunt. As for you, sit down and take an honest look into your heart, look at the future and think about what you realistically want out of life for yourself. A partner who talks about problems? A man who respects your feelings and treats you as valuable? Those are things you can have. But be honest about if you can have them with This man.
You can love a guy to the moon and back but that won't make him respect you or treat you well. Sometimes the people we love cannot be who we need them to be. That's not your fault. In all this stress remember to love and be kind to yourself hon.
hugs
He's in prison. Prisoners
He's in prison. Prisoners call collect. Don't accept the call. You should not be paying for a phone call for him to berate you.
Use this time to get yourself some counseling. You need help to separate yourself from this situation.
I remember in my early 20s
I remember in my early 20s going to jail to visit my addicted boyfriend. What was I thinking? And he didn't even have a chidl!
Run, girl, run as fast as you can before you get swallowed up. Trust me.
"What is the correct way for
"What is the correct way for me to handle this situation?"
Change your number and move far away while he's in jail. Someone with problems serious enough to land them in prison will only bring you down with them.
Girl, you deserve so much
Girl, you deserve so much better. You are not even married, but he thinks his lack of responsibility is somehow yours? Perhaps he should have given the daughter more thought before he engaged in activites sending him to prision. Do yourself a favor, Go get counseling. You need to figure out why you would accept a man who dumps his responsibilities on you and is so verbally abusive you are on eggshells when talking to him while supervised. Again, you deserve a better quality man.
You have zero moral and/or
You have zero moral and/or legal obligation to do anything about anything.
Are you fully aware how manipultive drug users are? why do YOU think he wants YOU to be help his family out with his daughter?
Do you understand just because he is going into the clink---what matters the most is, whether or not he stays clean and sober for at least 2 years. THAT means, no booze, no weed, no adhd meds, no doctor shopping for pain meds--zip, zero nothing.
How is he going to support himself AND his child when he gets out....let me guess. YOU work.
If you were my daughter, we would be having a long long dicussion.
One more thing...do not send him money into his commissary account and DO NOT accept his calls. His family can do that.
I would dump him. Thats just me.
Good Luck and sorry you may be doubting yourself about this.
Update
Thanks everyone for your responses. It made me feel so much better. I talked with him again about this and it has gotten a lot better over the last few weeks. He agrees now that I can’t have her stay with me for weeks and he has been much more understanding. There is still a lot of guilt tripping though, him saying I need to go see her etc. to have her come stay for a weekend. Saying things like: he thinks she misses me. Saying that if we're really serious then this shouldn't be a problem as a "future stepmom". I just don’t know how I feel about that. Am I wrong for not wanting to do any of that either? I’m kind of uncomfortable with trying to talk to her through his uncle and aunt. I still have this feeling of being constantly afraid he’s going to say I don’t care and etc. I understand that if we are still in a relationship when he gets back, it'll be a lot different. I don't really mind having his daughter around at all. I just feel this is a super complicated situation to be in. For now, I’m just seeing how things go. I'm trying to not stress to hard about it.
You are under no obligation
You are under no obligation to go see her or have her over for weekends. Even if you and BF were married, you would be under no obligation to do that.
Please don't let him guilt trip you.
I still think you can do better than this guy, and it has nothing to do with the prison thing. He's trying to manipulate you, calls you names (lazy), accuses you of not liking his kid because he doesn't get his way, and he expects and want you to be mom to his daughter. He really doesn't sound like a great catch.
If he were any kind of father, he wouldn't have gotten himself into this jam, at his young daughter's expense. She's probably better off living with the aunt and uncle permanently.
He brought this issue up
He brought this issue up again and he just kept telling me that he talked to his own counselor and that the counselor said I was wrong and that I’m trying to discredit his feelings. I don’t even know what to say that. He kept telling me that she really wants to talk to me and things like that. I told him that I really don’t think I’m doing anything wrong to him or his daughter by choosing to not engage with her while he’s gone. He acted like he was shocked by that. He still said he wanted to try to communicate more so this could be solved but it’s like he won’t accept that he can’t blame me for this anymore?? Like he can’t use this issue against me any longer and that bothers him. I understand why you’re saying I can do better than him. It’s really just heart breaking to me that this happened at all
Yes, it's heartbreaking for
Yes, it's heartbreaking for you, I realize that, but you are seeing who he really is and what he really wants and expects from you. This is not your kid and you have absolutely no responsibility to her, especially when her father won't even be there for her (of his own doing, I might add).
Maybe his counselor said that, maybe not. Doesn't matter, still not your responsibility.
Not agreeing with him is not discrediting his feelings. If anything, he is discrediting yours by trying to convince you to do something that you don't want to do.
He is showing you who he is, please believe him. He is not for you.
His reference to his
His reference to his therapist commenting that you are discrediting his feelings does not pass the smell test. I call bullshit and that he is lying and manipulating you in an attempt to get his way. If he therapist did say what he is claiming, you are not just dealing with one idiot, you are dealing with a two party mutual idiot appreciation society.
First off, feelings are not a credible topic of discussion as feelings are nothing but bio chemical secretions and not an itellectual excercise. Tell him to make better choices on how he feels rather than attempting to manipulate you with his fee fees.
smh
When someone plays the hurt fee fees card, I label them an idiot right off the bat. Don't tell me what you feel, tell me what you think and why you think it. Feelings are not an intellectual asset. He is scraping the bottom of the barrel on trying to get you to do as he wants you do.
Honor yourself. Move on.
The only bit of control he can try to utlize in his life is over you. Stop being his victim.
So, why are you in a
So, why are you in a relationship with an encarcersted Felon and his failed family child at all?
I mean I was in a relationship with him for 2 years. Before he ever got into trouble with anything. I didn’t begin a relationship with a incarcerated felon. That certainly was not the case. He didn’t even have a problem with drugs when I started dating him.
The good thing about dating-
The good thing about dating- you can stop.
Maybe things were good when you started, enjoy those memories.
You have a chance to uncomplicate the situation and move on with the next chapter of your life.
please don't be offended by all the posts. They all mean well and they don't want to see people get abused. A lot of ST is about encouraging people to find their voice and stand up for themselves. The rest is all of us crying on each other's shoulders
Please give yourself a pardon
Please give yourself a pardon on this relationship and move on. When he gets out... he will be a convict with all that is associated iwth that label. Jobs will be extremely difficult for him to obtain, his ability to be your equity life partner will be severly jeopardized, and there is slim to no chance that he can deliver equally in your relationship.
You have an opportunity to move on.
Take it.
Good luck and take care of you.