Autistic Meltdowns Ruining Life
I met my step son when he was 10, and he is 15.5 now. I love my husband and I generally have loved my step son. Bio mom hates me and treats me like trash, but that's a whole different post.
My step son has grown a lot in the past year and is now slightly taller than me. He just had a HORRIFIC meltdown a few nights ago and it honestly traumatized me. It was time for bed and he wanted to stay up later but was angry about it so we stood firm in our stance and calmly told him no, it was time for bed. The screams didn't even sound human. He started screaming that it is my fault and lunged to attack me multiple times. He threw his watch at me. My husband had to tackle him to keep him from attacking me. I had to help hold down his legs because he was punching/kicking/screaming so hard his whole body was vibrating with anger. He punched my husband in the face and kicked my ribs so hard he knocked the wind out of me. He was trying to hurt both us and himself at the same time and it was a full blown crisis within moments, when just minutes before he smiled for a pic I snapped of him when we were enjoying a little time outside. He bit my husband on his arm twice. He broke our Amazon Alexa and shattered a remote and ripped a dry erase board off a wall. It was absolutely awful.
He sees a therapist but she doesn't seem to acknowledge the severity of what we are dealing with.
I guess I'm just writing this all out here to admit that I am really dreading spending time with him. In my worst moments I wish he just lived at his mom's instead of them having 50/50 parenting. This child makes up lies and blames me and his dad for things that never happened and it makes me terrified that someday someone won't understand and will believe him. I've never laid a finger on him in an aggressive way (other that attempting to restrain him when he is trying to attack or hurt himself) and I don't have children of my own; I've poured myself into being a great bonus mom for him.
I just really don't like him very much anymore and he's broken my heart so many times. It's easy for anyone to say "he's special needs, you can't take him seriously when he says stuff like that" but until you put forth all the effort into being your best for the child just to have them turn on you and try to hurt you, you'd never understand how much it just really hurts.
I don't know what to do. I feel like a horrible person but I just feel so stuck in this situation of loving his father but dreading him. Can anyone possibly relate?
A lot of us can relate to this
First of all the bio father is guilty that he, his genes , may of caused his son to be this way.
Second you must get this kid on better medication. To stop being beaten up.
You can not live this way, Either this kid gets major help, or he needs a lock down placement.
This kid doesn't know why he does this, but he now knows he can do it again
WHOAH! No, you don't not get
WHOAH! No, you don't not get to blame a parent of an autistic child for messed up genes.
This entire response is ridiculous.
He sees a therapist but she
He sees a therapist but she doesn't seem to acknowledge the severity of what we are dealing with.
He needs a different therapist. Is he on any medication? Has he been diagnosed with any mental issues or mood disorders?
He needs to learn how to manage his emotions and his moods, which is not easy as a teenager.
Yes! Sometimes we forget that
Yes! Sometimes we forget that these professionals work for us, you have a right to get someone else if they are not meeting your needs.
If you had cancer and your doctor couldn't be bothered to treat it you would not just let it kill you. You go get a new doc!
Not all therapists are good at their job. And even of those that are, not all of them will necessarily be a good fit for your challenges. Look for a new person who can provide the help you need.
I have at 21 yr old SS with
I have at 21 yr old SS with Autism. He lives with me full time.
I know you said therapist but what kind of therapy? Counselor? ABA?
Medications? What is he on? My SS is on several meds to help his mood and ticks. Irritability can lead to aggression as you know. Puberty makes things 100X worse.
Finally, as every therapist and doctor has told me from the beginning, if he gets violent, call 9-1-1. Tell them that he is having an out burst. He is autistic, he is verbal but out of control at the moment. You need help. They will take him in and get him stabilized.
It sounds like you need a new or additional therapist.
Thanks
Thank you, he is on Vyvanse and a couple of years back they upped it but he then got violent because he had too much. The dosage he is on now is pretty high from what I understand. He is also on Guanfacine and gets cetalopram for anxiety every morning. We also give him a melatonin a half hour before bed. I think they need a psychiatrist and not a therapist... but I'm just step mom and my husband is regarded so poorly by bio mom that not much we say is regarded seriously. Therapist is a behavioral therapist. I wish I had a better way of cheering myself up and turning it around so I could be upbeat when I go pick him up today, but I have never been a person who can hide my feelings well and he picks up on my depression and gets fixated on it as well. I wish I was the one driving the car with his care here but sadly I am not...
You are not driving his care.
You are not driving his care. You are not in charge of his care. But, that does not mean that when he is violent (and injuring you and DH) that you cannot call for help.
Reread justmakingthebest's advice. She deals with an autistic stepchild. She knows what she is talking about. Listen to what she is saying.
I see, I'm sorry. If you don
I see, I'm sorry. If you don't have the power to get him a different therapist or make changes to his care that is really hard. It's the worst part of step-life that your daily life is so disrupted by choices of outside people and you have to suffer their poor decisions. I'm very sorry that you are trapped in this position
:'(
He is still in jail right?
He is still in jail right?
His Autism cannot be used as an excuse for allowing him to be violent. He is adult sized and represents a full blown threat to the life and well being of anyone he goes off on during his violent outbursts.
Time to either medicate him into a catatonic state, or... put him in a lock down Residential Treatment Center until they get him properly tuned to mitigate him as a threat to others..
Don't beat yourself up for your feelings
First don't beat yourself up for what you feel. I can relate as I have a adult step daughter that went through a period (before medication to help her with anxiety) where she was having outbursts that were violent and I dreaded her coming to our home for fear that she might physically harm me. Now that she has the physical piece under control, she still occasionally has vocal outbursts of which it makes it next to impossible to really like her and just like you, I've tried. I think it's just human nature to "like" or "dislike" certain personalities, especially when we don't have that biological bond that natural parents do. In all reality, who in the right mind would like someone regardless of their disability that was physically or verbally abusive to them?
Thank you!! I feel like you
Thank you!! I feel like you get it. I can't really change anything about his treatment, but it's the feelings of my own that are hard to deal with sometimes. Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot in the least to know I'm not alone.
I have a severely autistic 19
I have a severely autistic 19 yo, and he started with the violent meltdowns around 15. It is traumatizing. For everyone involved. Maybe find a psychologist, they might have better med suggestions. Risperdal has saved us, he is so much better now, it has been a life saver.
It is terrifying, it's like a switch being flipped, and it's someone else...
Wanted to add: if you need to
Wanted to add: if you need to convince your DH into getting more help, better meds... remind him that if his son ends up hurting someone, and the police get involved, the options will be taken away, and his son may end up in a facility, which I'm sure is not what he wants.
It doesn't get better, at least not in the near future.
I feel this so much
My SS turns 18 this fall, and is autistic with several other medical issues. He's 6ft 4 inches and weighs over 200 pounds. When he has meltdowns there is nothing I can do to "control" him. His father has to be the one to calm things down (and he always does, he knows how to handle it).
His last outburst was during our family vacation. It made me so angry that, as of now, I'm not planning on taking him on any further vacations with us.
it's difficult. And I know it's not in his control, but that doesn't mean that my feelings/life/mental health don't matter.
Good luck to you. I hope things calm down.