Stepkid reaction to adoption
Long story cut short for simplicity: DH and I are looking at adopting a child. There are reasons why this particular child, why now and so on but those are unimportant to the situation at hand.
Summary: SS21 was PASed out before I ever entered the picture. SS21 has avoided having to see us or spend any time with his father (much more importantly than me) for over 2 years. Every effort is met with rejection, too busy, no I don't need that, no I don't have time for that, my mom handles everything. My SIL loves to blame DH for everything. She will say pointedly in front of both of us when criticizing DH's lack of relationship with SS21, blocking me out literally holding up her hand "As his FATHER (emphasis hers), you should go and get him and take him out and have conversations with him. That will solve everything." She is very cold, unwelcoming in general and simplistic in her thinking, also still sees SS21 as if he is 5 years old. As if you can force a late teen or 20-something to develop a relationship with you anyway.
DH thinks that his son will not be impacted by this adoption and that he will just tell him once it happens. He also thinks that his sister/my SIL (who tends to have a very "poor wittle child-of-divorce" point of view about SS21) will be very welcoming and supportive of our child we adopt. I see her as very, very focused on blood relatives and poor wittle COD. DH counters that foster child's life has been much tougher, which is true. But SIL won't give a DAMN about that. She will only see that time, attention, money and focus has been on someone else but her little nephew who rejects DH's attempts around every corner.
Does anyone here have experiences with this kind of situation that we can maybe learn from? I know everyone is different but my gut instinct is that most people are not as open and accepting about adoption as I would want them to be.
BTW, We are fostering this child right now and while there are similarities to being a "blended family" with the child having confusing loyalties to multiple caregivers/parents every so often, in so many ways it is also simpler and more healthy. Our foster child is not pulled in so many directions and can see the dynamics at play better than SS21 ever could. Foster child has asked to be adopted, which leads us to these conversations. In some ways this has been SO cathartic for DH to realize this wasn't his fault. This was never because he was a bad parent or because he was somehow less than. He was always being blocked by another force. His love is reciprocated by foster child instead of rejected and held at arm's length because BM couldn't handle it and even less so after I came along.
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No direct experience
But my brother was adopted and he recentely adopted a child as well. It's was cathartic for him. I think it's so wonderful to be able to bring in a child to a warm family. I hope things go smoothly with the process.
your SIL sucks. Id cut her off completely and hope DH would follow suit. She's a toxic pile that needs to mind her own business and has actually contributed to the continued demise of her nephews relationship with his dad. Gross.
Your DSS is an adult so I don't think it's really any of his business but I'm sure he'll have an opinion. Probably not a good one. Might be best to protect new child from his exposure as well as SIL (and any other people who are not positive and encouraging about your situation). I would tell him privately where foster child will not hear his possible negative reactions.
I also think that at 21 DSS has had some time to mature and realize his mom pinned his dad as awful when he wasn't. I know these things run deep and he may never have this epiphany.
I'm not sure I'm of any help but I guess overall I would tell DSS in private. Have his dad tell him in person if possible. Id most likely avoid SIL at all costs. Why even tell her, just to get her unwanted opinions ? Anyhow, that's ultimately your DHs decision how and when and who to tell of his family. Anyone who is negative should be banned for your mental health and for the sake of this child who sounds like they have already dealt with enough crap in life. I would try to locate local resources to be in touch with other famalies going through transitions.
I wish you the best !
I avoid my SIL. My H floated
I avoid my SIL. My H floated the idea of leaving her as the contingent benificiary on his life insurance recently, stating he was sure that she would treat both kids equally and take care of the younger one through college, assuming we are adopting foster kid. I vetoed that hard. When it was just his son, that made sense for her to be contingent on one policy. This child is younger and will need care for longer, plus college. SIL will baby SS21 and say he's had a hard life with a horrible BM (that is true) but at this point in his life, these are his choices. His dad paid a ton in CS and paid for many of his expenses on top of CS. He showed up for sports events to be rebuffed and rejected regularly and then have his son claim he never came to the games. He showed up for school events which were similarly forgotten/overwritten in memory. He has paid for college and trips all over the world with SS. SS has forgotten more gifts that his father has bought him than his father has ever bought me (but my love language is NOT gifts, to be fair) and SS love language is gifts.
DH had SS more than 50/50 when he was little but later in life as he got older and she struggled to find a man, BM filled SS21's head with lots of things about SS not loving anyone but her and how mommy will always need him and Daddy has other family, a new wife and friends but everyone has rejected or abandoned BM except SS21. "I am all my mom has." he often says.
It's really unhealthy and enmeshed. And those are his choices. When someone is estranged from a parent, should they benefit from their death financially when there is a minor child to still care for? I don't believe so.
Not to mention -- any life insurance distributed through SIL would go to SS21 to be spent on BM. My DH has already given her enough.
One of my aunts had fertility issues and adopted her 2nd child
When he was 9 months, she actually just brought him home as a surprise to the family (we were holidaying overseas and she was living in our home at the time that my parents bought in asia).
he is by all accounts my cousin, not adopted cousin but just my family member. However one of my spinster aunts who has never married and obese has taunted this kid claiming he is not a family member and nobody wants him. He actually told our cousins what she said but nobody told his mum because she lives with them.
horrible people rarely change and frankly the fact sil is so opinionated on things that aren't her business is her problem. There comes a point where your partner needs to tell her to get lost!!
I like and appreciate (most
I like and appreciate (most of) your family's response to adoption. My family is similarly very accepting. Out of my cousins, half of us are adopted and half of us are not but you wouldn't know it. We are cousins! My family is not the issue. His is not like my family when it comes to adoption, at all.
My SIL is a person who is generally unhappy. Snipey, grumpy, finds lots of opportunities to be a mean girl type, very closed minded and black/white her way is right anyone else's way is just wrong and they have to fix it. She puts down my DH a lot out of jealousy. He left their country and made a name for himself in a couple of countries and a great career here. He has had a family with his child, foster child, my children who love him and love/marriage with me. She is lonely, no children and a career that is challenging, exhausting and wears on you physically. I do feel a touch sorry for her but not enough to put my head in front of that target to get shot off while trying to offer sympathy!
Luckily she lives in another country and this is not an issue that I have to deal with often. My DH wants to proudly share with the world that he/we are adopting foster child. Otherwise, we would just keep it between us. He is proud of foster child and wants it to be known.
Trust your instincts, you are probably right about how
Trust your instincts, you are probably right about how both SS and SIL will react to the adoption. Fortunately, they are both adults and you can control how much they are around your child. Establish clear boundaries early, and make sure DH is willing to make sure everyone abides by them.
I would update your wills and life insurance policies to reflect the new addition to your family.
When I really think about it,
When I really think about it, I know it's BM's take that will most influence SS21. And how SS21 reacts with BM's words (see your father can replace you, I am the only one who loves you etc) in his head will change how SIL reacts to it. As always, it's really BM that is the problem. But they are all grown-ass-adults. I have two grown kids. They will have zero issue with this, if anything they will think it's awesome. All kids including SS21 know foster child already from before foster care.
I hope it doesn't happen...
I hope it doesn't happen... but I predict, SS will suddenly become more interested in occupying dad's time - after all, he will have an inheritance to protect and he will need to make sure he isn't getting less now than adopted sibling.
It's amazing how when someone shows interest in somone else, territorial vindictiveness comes out. Even if that person previously didn't seem to care (they don't care, they just want to be front and center).
How do you think your husband would react if that were to happen?
Hmmm.... a few things. At
Hmmm.... a few things. At first excitement, then confusion. He would realize the timing is unusual and ask me about it or guess as to the reason. He might think SS is maturing. He might think there's jealousy or a sense of "if foster child WANTS to be adopted by my dad and I have been avoiding him, maybe I am missing out...?" I guess FOMO to some degree.
The inheritance thing is likely to be a motivator. BM is money grubbing and at some point will smell cash in the water and start circling.
We are considering an irrevocable trust for future planning, maybe. We have a few assets and businesses or shares in businesses that have some worth and I want at least my portion of that wealth to go to my kids/any grandkids and my siblings/their kids before they go to SS. The idea of BM getting ahold of assets we worked so hard for just makes me ill.
I know everyone is different
So my situation is very different, but I wanted to address this. I was so, so worried that my parents and siblings would feel differently towards DD than they did towards biological relatives. This was partly because my sister gave birth to my parents' first grandchild three months before DD was born and I saw how much my parents adored her and I was skeptical that they could feel the same way about a baby they weren't related to biologically. I couldn't have been more wrong. Everyone in my immediate and extended family immediately accepted DD and truly there doesn't seem to be any difference in how they feel about her vs how they feel about my nieces and nephews. Hopefully you'll be pleasantly surprised too.
I think that people often don't know how to discuss adoption and it makes them uncomfortable, but if you and DH set the tone and make it completely clear that this child is YOUR child, most people will take their cue from that.
I wish you the best with your adoption journey!
Thank you!
Thank you!
DH thinks his sister has no
DH thinks his sister has no idea what adoption of a child is like. She only thinks of babies being adopted, he says. He said she wouldn't ever think that a child older than an infant or a toddler really needs a family, that they all have families.
Some do, some don't. Some have abusive families or neglectful families. Some parents pass away or have reasons they can no longer care for them. It is shocking to me that anyone doesn't know that shit happens in life and someone's family isn't always able to keep being the ones that raise and care for them. My husband says she doesn't get that and he will have to educate her about it. It really sounds to me like she rarely thinks compassionately about anyone outside of herself and SS21, doesn't have a lot of imagination or consider what life can be like for other people. Explains a lot, tbh.