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The hard part about falling out with family members

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 9:28am

FIL texted DH yesterday that his grandpa is coming up to visit. Said DH really needs to be there because this probably won't be a reoccurring visit and he wants him to meet our boys. I don't think this is an exaggeration because his grandpa has been sick for a long time. 

DH asked if crazy SIL was going to be there. FIL said probably, I think everyone can get along for a little bit. First of all, I think this really shows how dismissive MIL and FIL are of DHs feelings and SILs behavior. Second, DH doesn't think he can stomach being around SIL and neither do I. Third, SIL is nuts and probably can't keep her mouth shut and it would really suck if DHs potentially last visit with his grandpa is overshadowed by her acting like a lunatic.

Also - it gets really old having to "be the bigger person" while there's zero consequences for bad behavior. I don't want to be anymore. 

Comments

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 9:34am

Contact grandpa directly and ask him out to dinner/over to the house because there was a work thing or something. If it's the last visit and DH wants to have it, he can try to have it on his own terms.

I get this, though. With C'Tucky back in town, it has put a weird strain on relationships. It's entirely her own fault for her behavior, and it's my parents' fault for enabling it. Doesn't make it any easier, though, when you feel you have to.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 10:06am

It sucks that it seems senior family members typically look the other way and just don't want to deal with people not getting along, regardless of the reasons.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 9:51am

I agree the best option would be to try and meet with grandfather someplace else, or at least on a different time schedule of SIL.  I think if you do have to end up enduring time with SIL and MIL I would busy myself with other things, always appear too busy to talk and if they corner you firmly state "this is not the time or place" then walk away.  Being the bigger person does suck, but it also makes them look petty and silly if they keep following you around harrassing you.  

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 9:56am

I'm with the others. DH needs to request a separate time with grandpa. Why does everyone have to go at the same time?

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 10:02am

Well, I think this is supposed to be the big reuniting event where DH gets over his issues with them.

The_Upgrade's picture

Submitted by The_Upgrade on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 9:58am

This visit sounds like it's more for the benefit of the grandfather and not your boys. Let's be realistic. Your boys aren't going to care about visiting some old stranger dude they've never met and will never see again in their life. And not meeting him isn't going to cause irreparable damage to their psyche. Give the option of a separate meeting away from the crazies and if they don't want to take up the offer then it's on them, not you. If he really wanted to meet the boys, he'd make the time to.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 10:09am

Holding gramps hostage/over DH's head in order to force DH to, how was it that Girhippo put it?  "repair the relationship with MIL/SIL/SD/FIL."

Nope.  Unless Grampa can be contacted directly and meet without the aid of the hostage takers (MIL/SIL/SD/FIL), no dice.

Jcksjj's picture

Submitted by Jcksjj on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 10:10am

Yes, this is what the half formed idea in my head of how I felt about it is. Thanks for putting it into words.

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Mon, 08/30/2021 - 12:44pm

Ugh! I feel you. I'm in a similar relationship with my sister. I just go to family gatherings and avoid her or she doesn't come to things that others plan when I'm home. My mother and I had it out over the whole thing when she was here for an extended period to care for my daughter and my mother acts like there's nothing she can do, but she can stop acting as if the conflict is a two-way thing. It's all on-sided and all coming from and being perpetuated by my sister. And the rest of my family doesn't want to touch it because they "love us both"...all fine, but they all look the other way when my sister continues on her rampage, leaving me to just feel alienated. And my mom recently said some really mean things to DH that I think were really because she was acting out over the whole thing with my sister, so now DH doesn't want to be around my mom, but if I mention that to my mom, she'll dismiss it, even though she was really mean to him and doesn't realize that now I go out of my way to not talk about DH with her, because I don't want them to come back later when she lashes out at him again. 

I agree with the comments above, reach out directly to grandpa to see if he will come to your home by himself.