I often wonder that when I read some of the stories on here. People who spend years in these dysfunctional situations and post the same issues over and over, get the same advice, and never take that advice. 

Im getting stronger daily. SD22 Feral Forger is an abusive mentally ill jerk. She treated me like dirt the entire time that she lived with me there (3.5 years). Then she ghosted us, at 18 and graduated high school. No contact for 7 months. So I completely cleared out her room. Trash was everywhere. Dirty laundry. Old makup. Shes still mad that I "touched her stuff". Every time she gets into an argument with her toxic mother, Toxic Troll, she tries to beg her way back with her father. DH always tells her no, but of course I know that he would give in and let her move back if it were not for my strong assertions that I will NEVER live with her again. He can find her a place somewhere else, if he wants and can afford it (he never does).

I just got a nice text the other day, from Feral Forger SD22. After a particularly nasty argument with her mother, that she broadcast over family group text with DH's clan, and then showing the screen caps to her father (who said no yet again), she texted me:"You know ever since you showed up my father hasnt been a father since? Now hes just a sperm donor that shows up for a hug once a year and thinks Im a lost cause."

And then goes on to explain how I traumatized her so badly its all my fault and her mothers fault and her fathers fault that shes so traumatized and thats why she is making bad decisions in her life ...or whatever. She doesntdrive, she has no license, I THINK she might still have a job, shes not going to community college..shes a big nada.

I mean, of course theres always hope, but its not my circus anymore. There is no reason for me to sacrifice my happiness.

I dont care WHOSE kid they are, Im not going to be abused in my own home.

I was so SHOCKED at how DH's adult kids acted that I told myself I was imagining it. I just couldn't believe what I was seeing and experiencing. Add a bit of gaslighting to that, and I was truly half convinced that I was the crazy one.

Over time, though, I found my way, had it out with DH, set some boundaries and defend those boundaries like a fortress.

By the time people find Steptalk they're pretty beaten down.  I imagine (hope) we are outliers in the stepparenting world.

For me, I was raised in a dysfunctional toxic environment, so naturaly i gravitated to dysfunctional toxic. My shit life with my ex DH and mini wife snot SD was good compared to my upbringing. BUT the healthy side of me finally emerged , dang it I never knew I had a healthy side LOL, and I threw the shitty DH out.

I think it often depends on where you came from and what you have learned to expect. However for many SM's they are not as screwed up as I was, they fell in love with a "charmer" or " love bomber". The craptastic dude knows how to reel in the sanest of the sane. Sometimes it takes to hit rock bottom to climb your way out. OR the SM has success in disengaging or managing the situation .

When we read on here often people comment "I would never put up with that shit" or "why are you so desperate" and that type of comment. Often that makes the SM feel even worse, like more of a failure. Words matter, especially to the vulnerable SM's reaching out. The best advice I have read on here is the thought provoking comments that guides the SM to see there are healthier outcomes in life.

Great post BTW

They never show their true colors in the beggining. Anyone would run for the hills in their right mind, it's just so unattactive to see a grown man with no back bone and children out of control because of shitty parents. For me I stayed because I felt guilty loving him, to abandon him he was like a traumatized kid himself but in the end you gotta choose yourself, too much there to handle. It's always the norm from what I read in here.

Anyway, thank God for this comunity of people and all the great input. Life changing.

It's amazing how many of these situations are the same...the world over. 

When I was with my ex, and trying to understand why his daughter acted the way she did, it was all new to me and I wondered what the hell was going on....after a while I came across this site, and can honestly say it is awesome! 

As I read stories, I was struck by how many people were dealing with the same crap as I was. It was like a revelation!

I'm just sad for the step parents who are stuck in these shitty situations, with no end in sight for them.

I would likely have taken many more years to ultimately divorce my adulterous XW.  That she chose that path at 2.5 years of marital hell, was the greatest gift she could have ever given me.  That saved me any number of years of a hell on Earth marriages and therapy.

I also learned to value myself and how to establish and enforce how I will demand that  others treat me.

That unfortunate experience taught me how to be a better husband to my incredible bride. 

What is so often missed is it's the partner/SO that's the issue.

They put themselves and their kids first.    After that the songs all sound the same.

Step parent get ignored, marginalized, and deals with life as an outsider.

People stay out of fear.   Maybe financial.   Maybe due to loneliness.

I would never recommend a relationship with someone with kids.   Not worth it.    

Im so glad im out of that mess, what a nightmare, I dont miss it one bit. My experience was a lousy enmeshed ex partner. Either all families are dysfunctional by being enmeshed and codepedent or I lived in one terribly distant. I'm not sure. Or maybe step families are not natural.