Therapy for a...6 year old???
Ohhh boy.
DH was called by teacher because SD has been frequently inappropriate at school, and it is apparently intensifying. Specific behaviors I won't get into in case I'm being lurked but it's something you wouldn't really want your kid doing.
Immediately we are accused of blocking BMs attempts to get SD into therapy "for years" (news to us). So apparently this is our fault? We haven't noticed the bad behavior since the start of the covid lockdown when we first saw it and shut it down, SD is almost 7 now, but BM won't share any details what she's seeing on her side that makes her think SD has needed therapy for years. She's a normal kid, who is just really spoiled and therefore unmotivated in school. Boredom breeds trouble. I think her four parents (myself included) could use parenting lessons more than she needs psychoanalysis.
So I imagine some folks here have been through "therapy" (snort, ridiculous) for their kids or stepkids. What should I expect, what should I watch out for? How do we make sure the counselling doesn't create more issues (I tend to think ruminating on specific things creates anxiety in kids). Counsellor wants to interview me and DH to better understand- a professional wont serve as a weird double agent can they??
Also how much does a poorly behaved stepkid impact biokids?? Maybe don't answer this question if it will make me too sad...
I have a child who has had therapy for a year and a half now
Mind you she is a teenager. A year and a half of therapy and medication and she is back to being the happy, productive friendly daughter I love. She is 16 and driving and taking dual enrolled classes at the school. She has a good friend group. Two Decembers she was very, very depressed.
my stepdaughter was baker acted at 16. Her parents didn't insist on any therapy and medication and she has been on a bad downward spiral for years. She is a sex worker now. She was also in the paper almost two years ago for being raped by her ankle bracelet wearing felon boyfriend who was on probation for beating his pregnant wife.
I think if you can get a good therapist, it can be healing and do wonders.I do have a seven year old. She isn't in therapy but I think if she was suffering and acting out that I would get her help. Sometimes kids act inappropriately if they are being abused.
Thank you!! This is a helpful
Thank you!! This is a helpful post.
Any tips on how to figure out what a "good" therapist is?
Did BM actually say before
Did BM actually say before she wants her in therapy or is she just saying that now?
So she did play therapy which
So she did play therapy which both DH and BM attended about 4 years ago because she had a hard time going from house to house. After several months of therapy it intensified so the parents agreed to stop and changed some aspects of the handover to make it easier on her and the issue resolved. Beyond that, BM said she wanted her hearing checked about 3 years ago which DH agreed to but it never happened.
Me and DH have both had piles of therapy lol. So we aren't adverse to it.
On the one hand, I've heard
On the one hand, I've heard from teachers that student behaviors are the worst they've ever been in memory. On the other, there really could be some underlying issues. And I guess regardless the cause therapy will only be neutral or good. It's unlikely to be a bad thing for her. More skills with emotional regulation and tools for resilience are things every kid needs. And if you have any concern at all that bad scared behavior will run out rub off on bios, which it does!, All the more reason to be supportive of her at least trying some therapy for her issues.
I think may be part of the issue to is this BS from the BM claiming she's been wanting the child to have therapy for years. It often goes hand-in-hand with high conflict mothers that there are numerous medical issues or emotional fallout from the divorce that can be blamed on BD. I see it a fair bit on this site and in my own situation where BMs use medical stuff to control the other house ans the public narrative of the family.
but yeah, the worst case scenario here is that it's a neutral experience and nothing changes. But there's also a really good chance for some positive outcomes for better emotional regulation and communication about emotion.
Thanks. This is helpful. I
Thanks. This is helpful. I tend to agree with your analysis of the situation and your comments on a "neutral" worst case are a bit of a relief and a perspective I wasn't expecting.
Personally I have had great counsellors and bad ones. So I guess I'm worried about the latter for SD.
What is so ridiculous about
What is so ridiculous about kids needing therapy? Do you imagine that kids can never have real mental health issues? The suicide rate in 10-14 year-old kids has grown more than any other age group.
Your armchair psychologist belief that talking about anxiety makes it worse is completely without merit.
Hey I've had enough therapy
Hey I've had enough therapy to know how useful it is. I just don't know how therapy for a six year old works. My experience with therapy required introspection. Beyond the fact she's started acting out of boredom she is an incredibly happy, but lazy kid. Comes into our room singing most mornings. I worry that if they bring her in and harp on her behavior she's going to become self conscious about something that could be prevented with better parenting. I think that's a reasonable worry. Anyways she is getting therapy...I was just hoping for some perspective.
If they find a good therapist
Sorry, I was reacting to your "snort, ridiculous" comment about a kid needing therapy.
If they find a good therapist, it will also be about parenting and how the parents manage her behavior. They can separate what is a mental health thing (ie, anxiety, depression, ADHD, adjustment issues, etc) from what is a parenting issue. No one is going to "harp on her behavior", that's not how it works - so honestly, it's not a reasonable worry. A good child therapist would not shame a child for what brings them to therapy, or make them feel self-conscious.
(I have been in the child mental health field for 30 years)
Yeah, my snort was uncalled
Yeah, my snort was uncalled for and I see that now.
I just couldn't picture SD doing a CBT workbook, and last time she smashed playdough for 30 minutes, therapist told DH it meant she was going through inner turmoil (yup) and her advice was for DH to say "I know you miss Mom, I do too" which made SD inconsolable. This after 6 weeks of sessions. So thats the snort backstory but in re reading it was inappropriate especially with folks who's kids are struggling terribly with depression etc. I'm here for the learnings and I apologize.
You mention below that play therapy isn't as successful as other types and that you have decades of experience - any modes of help you really like? Again I'm sorry I definitely didnt mean to belittle the process or the professionals just more to express my dread that this might end up not being helpful again.
It depends on the issue. That
It depends on the issue. That first therapist was crap and should have been fired. There are tons of CBT activities tailored to kids, it's just as effective for them, but parents should be involved in learning and reinforcing the skills.
Without knowing what's going on with her, it's hard to say. If BM is part of the problem, then DH needs to get involved and make sure the therapist knows SD doesn't have the same issues in his home.
If the school is suggesting
If the school is suggesting counseling in school the behaviors there are unacceptable. Schools are not in the business of providing counseling unless it is affecting the school. DH needs to sign the permission form for counseling.
DH and you do need to speak to the counselor. The counselor needs your view of SD's behavior when she is with you. You do not want the counselor to only have BM's perspective. You want him/her to have a complete picture of SD.
Good counseling may bring up issues, it can bring anxiety the forefront (allow kids to express it), but it doesn't create more.
Also, therapy isn't just "let
Also, therapy isn't just "let's talk about your anxiety". There are evidence-based therapies that effectively address anxiety and teach skills to manage it.
Yes - even things that seem
Yes - even things that seem ridiculously simple were life changing for me for anxiety, but I wouldn't have learned it without therapy
Exactly. Cognitive Behavior
Exactly. Cognitive Behavior Therapy can really help people learn skills for managing anxiety. A kid who learns to manage her anxiety young will have a much easier adulthood.
Thank you. "Good counselling"
Thank you. "Good counselling"... How does one figure out how to obtain that?? Vs. the first counsellor in a Google search??
You go to the first
You go to the first appointment and decide if the person is a good fit, if you don't have a way to get recommendations from others. The therapist should include both parents, and include them consistently. It should not be weeks and weeks of the child going in to see the therapist alone. The parents should be involved in what the therapist is doing with the child, and how the parents can help, support, and change their own behavior as necessary.
And don't find a "play therapist". Play Therapy has limited evidence behind it, except for certain trauma situations. But "Play Therapy" and using play in therapy are not the same. Most child therapists will play with a child to make them more comfortable and to help them express themselves, but it won't be "Play Therapy" as a modality. Hope that made sense.
Yea they lined up the same
Yea they lined up the same play therapist as when she was 2. Any modalities you prefer? Can kids do CBT?
Yes, definitely they can do
Yes, definitely they can do CBT. It really depends on what's going on with her. Too bad they are using the same therapist who thought pounding play-doh meant she missed her mother.