Having a hard time accepting SD, recent abortion
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My DH and I have been together for almost 2 years. We are young 30s. He has a SD age 13. We got pregnant summer of 2021. I had an abortion. The reason I had the abortion was 95% because I wasent sure how the summer was going to go having his kid live with us full time (she lives 7 hours away by plane and comes for 2 months in the summer and 3 weeks at christmas). The previous summer we did not live together. I know for sure that I wound have had the child if she wasent a factor. I have major anxiety and am quite irritable when she is around. I dread when she comes to stay with us. I am having a hard time being around her and hold feelings of resentment. Am I an asshole? Advice?
You decided to end your
You decided to end your pregnancy because she would visit and because of that anxiety?
Maybe there's more to it...it just doesn't sound right. Maybe you didn't want the a baby at all?
Theres definitley more to it.
Theres definitley more to it. It is a very complex situation. Basically the relationship was still so new. I have never dated anyone with kids before and in general am not a kid person. I work very hard and have always enjoyed my home being my peaceful place where I decompress from my stressful job. I wasent sure how having a strange human in my house would affect that. I was not wrong as my partner and I live in a small place and when she is here I find my space intruded upon which affects my mental health. I did not want and still am terrified of becoming a single mom like my mother. I would have kept the baby if all this uncertainty wasent a factor.
I don't think you can
I don't think you can legitimately blame the SD for a decision YOU made. I don't think that makes you an asshole, but I think your resentment is misplaced. I would recommend counseling.
I know this rationally. It is
I know this rationally. It is another thing to try and let it go and try and be happy around her. I know I have some growing to do.
I recommend therapy
I think that you need this therapy for many reasons. The anxiety that you feel over the visitations and the anxiety over the pregnancy and abortion.
You are not the a$$hole, but I sense there is more to this.
I agree. Will be making an
I agree. Will be making an appointment with a counselor asap. Thank younfor your response.
Well - it's not SD's fault,
Well - it's not SD's fault, but clearly there are significant issues in your relationship that caused you to make this decision. I assume it was due to not being thrilled with his parenting when she came the summer before?
I wouldent say significant
I wouldent say significant issues other then I have felt that when SD is around DH treats me more like a friend/roomate then a partner. Which obviously is not great. No real issues with parenting bes pretty good. And shes a decent kid. BM is psycho though. I hold resentment for what she did to him in the past. It was really bad and messed him up big time.
Your choice. It has nothing
Your choice. It has nothing to do with SD.
Own it.
You are right. I dont blame
You are right. I dont blame her personally. I just have to figure out how to deal with it in my head which is easier said then done.
I have read some of your posts. In one of them you stated that having another humans child in your home is almost a
"visceral reaction to the presence of another man's child in my space. I think that it is inherently a mammalian characteristic.. at least for some mammals... to be intolerant of a predecessors spawn. Kind of like when a new male lion takes over a pride and eliminates the young progeny of the predecessor in order to focus resources on his own spawn."
This is exactly how I feel. I know I have to work through these feelings for all parties involved to be happy and for my relationship to work. However I want to thank you for writing this post as it validated my bodily reactions to the presence of a child that is not my blood in my life. There is work to do and it may take me some time. However it is good to know I am not alone in these feelings.
No judgements. Just take
No judgements. Just take care of you.
I had to work through that same stuff.
Another humans progeny is counter to being a mammal. Generally speaking.
I think you have guilt
I think you have guilt/resentment that is misplaced.
When I was in college I thought I was pregnant and my XBF, who already graduated and working a great paying job flipped out. He went out of his mind how we couldn’t afford a baby right now and I needed to get an abortion. I knew I wasn’t going to abort it and was trying to figure out how I was going to go to school and handle a baby at the same time.
I found out I wasn’t pregnant, he was elated; but at the same time his niece was born. He acted like a total clown, dragging me to the hospital, holding his niece like it was his own, skipping around the maternity ward with her in his arms and telling his family he would love to have a baby! I nearly died!!!!
He then took me to the baby store, running around grabbing clothes for her with me in tow. Once again skipping around holding baby clothes with a big smile on his f$$^^king face, telling everyone how happy he was that he had his niece.
The resentment killed me and our relationship. Even though he apologized from the bottom of his heart it was too late. I left him shortly after.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please get counseling for yourself and your relationship, as the resentment will only get worse. If you want your relationship to work you cannot blame your SK for this.
I am so sorry you went
I am so sorry you went through that. That is incredibly hurtful and traumatizing. Obviously your boyfriend at the time was either oblivious to how his actions would cause you pain or he was just a dick. Either way it sounds like a good think you are not with him anymore. Good for you for being strong enough to leave.
I can relate in that when I was pregnant my partner seemed to only talk about his daughter and brought up memories frequently of when she was a baby. It hurt hearing him talk about his first thats not mine but also I perceived this as him caring more about his daughter then our future child.
Ultimatley I know you are right and my anger/hurt is misplaced. If i dont find a way to deal with it it will end my relationship with my DH. Hope I can figure it out. Thank you for your response <3
When DH and I were dating I
When DH and I were dating I had a medical test with undesired results so I told him I had bad news. He replied if you're pregnant I'm going to kill myself. I wasn't pregnant but that really stung because he trotted bm down the wedding aisle immediately after she showed him a positive pregnancy test after 3 months of meeting her. And he said I was the love of his life before this and I've known him for 20 years. She got a formal wedding and I get suicide. WTF. In regards to resentment, there is a list of things that has contributed towards it. It's there, I thought I could cope with how a hcbm affects your life and I'm on way to apathy.
OP, you have my sympathy but as others said you should seek therapy. This may not be the relationship for you and that's okay.
I would like to give you a big hug
It will never be a positive experience however, hopefully with counseling you can come to accept if all as the right decision for you at the time. It took a lot of thought and guts to make that decision. Knowing you weren't all ready.
From a flip perspective... And there's probably more than one of us? I went through with my pregnancy as it would most likely, well it was my only shot. We weren't ready at all. My pregnancy was dominated by bm and the 'first family' as well as being over whelmed by going from no kids to two. It was an utterly miserable good few years and had to work really hard not to split up etc etc
Things do happen for a reason and I wish you only happiness in future xx
Thank you for your response
Thank you for your response Lifer33. I appreciate it more then you know. Its nice to hear someone else understands the complexity of emotions that comes with the added stress of sks while pregnant/considering kids of your own. Obviously none of us dreamed of becoming pregnant and having to deal with sks/ a BM from a previous family. I have been doing much better with this situation since I originally posted. I hope you are doing well too. Again thank you.
As much as I love DH, I thank
As much as I love DH, I thank my lucky stars every day that I'm not tied to him by a child. I would have lost all leverage in this relationship and been stuck in an impossible situation. It's a relief. Maybe focus on that.
Counseling Yes, Berating Yourself No!
I'm sorry how you are dealing with so many emotions, and counseling will help you figure most out... It struck me that it might not be just your SD - maybe your Man ain't the right Man for you - and deep inside you know it. I pray you find Peace and the determination that you I'll never find yourself in that situation again.
Very early on in my
Very early on in my relationship with DH I found out I was pregnant. This was about 4 years ago. It was a mixture of emotions of "what to do". It wasn't planned. We should have been more careful. Not in the best place. New relationship. Both had children. All the things. I was in my late 30's. A few days after I decided I would have the baby, I started having severe side pain and went to the emergency room and found out it was an ectopic pregnancy. I will say I struggled with so many emotions after that. Including resentment with his children. I was angry because at that time, BM was not in the picture, she had given away her parental rights and was a raging alcoholic. So I spent my days working, caring for my children and hers. I didn't allow any time to care for myself. Eventually sought counseling for myself to deal because I felt I was spiraling myself. Pregnancy loss- no matter the reason is a physical and emotional journey, take care of yourself.