You aren't Supernanny lol. Come to think of it, besides being an expert in child behavior modification, Supernanny had more authority than most stepmoms. Whoever told you that has no idea what they are talking about. 

That someone needs a vat of coffee and a Matrix red pill. Like Rumple said, you're not Superananny. Although a cape might be fun...

If SD's parents cannot "fix her", they can get her into therapy. Not your circus, not your monkey.

Well, people outside of the situation are just full of wonderful, helpful advice, aren't they?

And, you know what? There are definitely circumstances in which DH could refuse to take his own kid. When dealing with lying, manipulative BMs and offspring, sometimes it's necessary for self preservation.

Why do people think it's so easy to "take custody" of a child? Obviously none of these people have ever been in Family Court. Or do they think we are still living in times where fathers own the children?

This person is bananas. Your SD is refusing to visit right now and apologizing/begging for her return isn't going to fix the situation. You guys will have no influence to change SD with BM and in-laws so involved. You guys are facing constant abuse from BM, in-laws, and SD. You guys need to remain disengaged and let the situation play out as it is. 

I also love that people think you can just "take custody" of a child. DH spent a year in court and $30k to gain more visitation than 6 weeks per year and failed miserably. We didn't even gain an additional day. But don't worry, it's so EASY to take custody! 

When you get done correctiIng SD,'s personality and behavior, start on world peace, climate change and a cancer cure.  Lol.

Take the kids...help them to be better. Ummmm...after three attempts, all sabotaged by the BM (now dead) and the two oldest kids of DH....not one damn thing changed. I continued to be the "bad" guy because I had rules and expectations in our home. Thankfully, after the third try, I gave up and refused to have any of them live in this home ever again. I let the BM and the oldest daughter take over....and the two youngest kids both ended up being high school drop outs and both still struggle today.

As BM is dead, now the oldest daughter can relish in her accomplishments with her youngest siblings. This gal is D.O.N.E.

I would not take on this kid in the 5th grade let alone high school (future). 

SS came to live with us when he was 8 because BM couldn't deal with him and didn't want him living with her anymore.  That is how DH got custody.  It is hard from what I understand for a father to get custody from the mother unless he is able to prove that the mother is unfit.  SS did improve a lot.  He was always pretty good with me and DH.  His behavior improved with BM as well.  Problem was he had an issue with lying, courtesy of BM.  For a time I thought he had stopped.  His lying merely went dormant.  I will say that he is a productive member of society.  He officially launched when he was 21, but was rarely home after he graduated high school so he was practically out the door before then.  He got with SDIL and she brought out the liar in him.

  We haven't spoken to him in two years. He claimed that he considered me his mother yet he wasn't comfortable talking to me, the woman who helped raise him, who he lived with longer than he did BM.  Yeah, that one.  He claimed that he thought of me as his mother but treated me like I was just someone his dad married that he hadn't known for most of his life.  He certainly didn't treat me like a mother.  He wasn't openly rude but he also knew that DH and I wouldn't tolerate that.  He was polite at least.  Yet he expected me to act like grandma to his son. If I'm so awful why did he want me around his kid?  

So no, whoever said that has no clue what they're talking about.  Did we keep him from turning out like his mother, who was addicted to drugs and refused to work?  Maybe.  He may have chosen to be better than her in that regard anyway with or without our influence.  But we were not able to break him from the lying and manipulating.  He chose to hold onto those character traits unfortunately.   Unless and until he and his wife both apologize, acknowledge their wrongs, and change their behavior, I will not have anything to do with them.   I won't hold my breath.  

I wouldn't take SD to live with you if I was in your shoes.  As long as BM is an influence in her life, it won't do any good.  Or she'll have friends or a SO who will influence her negatively because she will gravitate towards people like that.  

Or product of failure to parent well or daddy's breeding experiment with hcgubm batshit crazy!! Worry about your own self and your own kids.

my husband has made it clear to his kids especially the 2 adults sd26, ss23.5 that by their own admission, bio mum abandoned and neglected them and when hubby is no longer alive and their mum has no care for them, they have nobody!! 
 

bio mums family is batshit crazy and the closest relatives they have is me and the 2 kids i had with hubby and guess what?? They sabotaged that relationship multiple times and we want nothing to do with them. So hubby said enjoy the loneliness and reflect on the consequences of your actions and behaviour because his priority is to the 2 kids he has with me who are now 4 & 5 and require his attention, care and nurturing.

cue in sd at age 24 calling daddy with a whole sob story how daddy abandoned them for me and our 2 kids when they cut off contact for 5.5 yrs over lies they know bio mum made of daddy

Like you just had to snap your fingers and HEY PRESTO! you have full custody of SD ... I hope you told that someone to keep taking the tablets...

Ya know the saying "walk a mile in someone elses shoes " applies here.

Unless you live it you dont get it. Thats why there is this forum.

Blessings

My exBF has a degree in criminal justice and sociology, works at a minimum security prison.  He says personality is set by age 7.  You might be able to make very minor improvements, if people weren't actively undermining you.