9 y/o SD period drama

Forums:

In my last post, I explained a bit how my SD is creating so much tension and drama it's tearing our family apart. It starts with me discovering after marrying my DH that his SD doesn't know he's not her BioDad. They even have different last names! She's 9 years old, and the BM has told her that my DH is her real dad and he "doesn't feel it's his responsibility to tell her the truth." But now that they're divorced and we are now married, we continue to fully financially support and share custody over this child who even legally, is not his. BM does not want him to formally adopt her, yet he pays the child support and all additional bills such as clothing, school fees, insurance, out of pocket medical, cell phone, AND her BMs car payment.

Her BM is very mentally unstable and she threatens me over text often. For no reason. She speaks very inappropriately around SD and this summer told her she's getting her period soon. She was 8 at the time. So when she came for the summer she was telling the/our two 7 year olds (his bio son and my bio daughter) that she is getting her period and had to go home early. She wasn't getting the attention she wanted and the destroying things and tormenting the littles didn't work, so my DH drove her 15 hours back home. Side note: he is an Air Force fighter pilot and we are temporarily stationed away from our home. The stability we have bothers her BM very much and she's always trying to threaten us to get something... So that tells you a little about our geographical location and why we are so far. Now that SD is back for thanksgiving (9 y/o now) she walks in the door after DH picked her up halfway, and said "the drive was horrible, I got my period!" I said, oh wow you were really worried about that this summer! I then asked if her mom had sent anything (products) with her or if she needed more from the store the next day. She said she didn't even bring a bag, so, no! I know if it were my daughter, who's 7, was going to visit her clueless dad and got her period I would have pulled over immediately and got her what she needed to be comfortable. But, BM is not like this so DH suggested I take her to Walmart in the morning and get her some items. I said I feel like it's very strange timing from her last visit, and 9 is very young to get a period. Especially when she hasn't hit a growth spurt AT ALL! He got mad that I doubted her and said that kids get it even younger all the time. I consulted my 4th grade teacher sister and best friend with a 12 year old sister and both said it's VERY uncommon, and the 12 year old sister had not gotten it yet. My DH has always fed into her attention seeking behavior which is why she continues to do it.

So, fast forward. I take her to Walmart and I asked what she normally gets at home (she says this is her 3rd period.) She then said she's never had any of these items before because she never told her mom. I said "sweetie you have to tell your mom! This is exciting for her too!" My SD openly hates me so I was very confused why she would come to me in the first place. But I've always been loving and kind despite her making me cry almost daily. I picked her out many different kinds of pads, period underwear, Tylenol, heat pads, hand sanitizer, sanitary wipes, little "incognito" wristlets, etc. and bought her a bunch of new comfy clothes, especially black pants, since she brought no clothes with her and I told her being comfy is important. We spent about $149 and I took her to Starbucks after. She seemed unphased by any of it. When we got home I put some items in a cute decorative "hiding box" in her bathroom, some items in a makeup bag for when she travels, and stocked her two wristlets for her backpack and desk. I also had to tell her what each item is for and the importance of it. She's never seen them before... when the mom talked to her about periods she left that part out but had explained when she got her period she could get pregnant, which at 8 years old she thought it would be SO COOL to have a baby! I had a very long sit down talk with her about how uncool and dangerous that would be at her age.

Fast forward, after a whole day of having to stay home because her period was "so bad!" And she was "bleeding everywhere" and she announced having to change her pad every 20 minutes, I went into her bathroom to take the trash out this morning so it didn't start to pile up and smell. I opened the can and it was piled high with pads. TMI: not one pad had a single drop of anything on it. Not even slightly bloody or discolored. 100% clean. At breakfast this am, she was talking about "how funny is it that next week we have our puberty talk at school! And I already got mine!" As I'm dying inside I just nod and went upstairs to write this post. I so badly want to tell my husband about this discovery because this is another example of the things she does to manipulate us. If she goes home with these items, her BM will 100% lose her ish on me once again for doing "her job" but as a mother whether I believed her or not, I wasn't going to let her go without the products just incase it happened to be true. And now she does have them incase she does get it, but I also don't want her to take them to school for the attention and give people the wrong idea. I don't know what to think or do, but I'm always stepping up to these situations for my DH and I'm the one who gets in trouble for them. And when we catch her stealing, lying, hurting, or manipulating I'm the one who points it out and my DH is the one who ignores or makes excuses for it. I draw the line at her being perfectly ok with us spending $150 on items she didn't really need, when she knows everyone is in a tight spot now as it is.

Parents, What do I do? The bigger issue is her lying about big things now. I feel this could translate in a lot of ways as she gets further into her teen years. It was disturbing enough she truly wanted to get her period to be able to have a baby...

I would DEFINITELY tell DH, I

I would DEFINITELY tell DH, I would tell her, "I found something very concerning" and tell him, let him know that you worry about SD's emotional issues, that she believes things that are not true, and it can be signs of deeper psyhological issues. You present it to him like this and then it's out of concern for her wellbeing

I would definitely tell your

I would definitely tell your DH, and he needs to ask BM about it. Faking a period is super weird. At least she's prepared... Though now you can't be sure if she has actually had it or not. Talking to B m is usually the last thing I advise but I think the parents need to get on the same page with this.

Mine got hers at the end of second grade

And she developed very fast. So fast I had to take her to an endocrinologist where she had to have blood draws every 15 mins to measure hormone levels. My youngest is now a second grader and I hope she doesn't get it early like her older sister

SD thought she was developing

SD thought she was developing early.... but the "hair BM found on her armpit" turned out to be jacket fuzz also SD swears up and down that shes a size D cup, but that's only if she uses a SMALL bra band size and uses the extender that BARELY squishes around her body... I just let her say what she wants, because if I tell her that she needs to get a bra that fits, I am the bad guy. I leave that up to BM, and BM encourages SD to think these things, so what ever

WTFLUCK

Hun your DH needs to know this.

You care I get it. At some point you will be plucked dry and still blamed. So for the love of gawd stop. I mean this with all sincerity.

Tell your DH. Suggestion here. Have DH email BM and recount this whole period drama to her. BM needs to know how disturbed SD is. Your DH needs to back you up to BM and let her know that you did all this for SD because that is what decent people do when someone reaches out to you. I mean seriously you thought you were helping her out. Doing nothing meant the poor girl wouldve bled everywhere. You had no clue SD was making a fool of you. SD is crying for help. Like professional help dang it.

If BM goes batshit crazy, block and block.

But SD should not feel so easy about great big lies and no consequences. This SD needs therapy.

Yes, tell DH, and this girl

Yes, tell DH, and this girl needs some therapy.

Yeah I would address this now

Yeah I would address this now before it gets weird. Dh needs to step in and start figuring out why she is acting like this. I would recommend professional help. My SD had some very disturbing issues about her period and we should have gotten her help. We just didn't know how to handle it at the time. BM was blaming the issues on us and our inferior house. Dh and I tried talking to SD but it never helped.

My SD was really weird when she got her period at 10 yo too. She was like weirdly obsessed. I talked to her about it then took her out to get pads, midol, and a little bag to keep them in. She walked around bow legged announcing to everyone that she felt like she was wearing a diaper. Okay it was new we thought just give her sometime to adjust. She sat during a dinner with us and some relatives and spread out her pads all over the table, started stacking and counting them loudly. Dh and I told her it wasn't appropriate to line up hygiene products across the dinner table at anytime let alone when guests visit. At Christmas she announced in the car that she couldn't wait to tell my SIL's fiance (who she only met once) that she started her period. We were mortified and tried to explain to her why that was not very appropriate.

After a few months she started hiding rolled up dirty pads, dirty underwear, and dirty toilet paper all over her bedroom. Dh confronted her and she said it was because our bathroom trash can didn't have a lid. SD had a lidded trash can in her room so I didn't understand why she hid them like Easter eggs instead or tossing them in the trash. So I bought a new trash can for the bathroom. As soon as I bought the new lidded trash can SD was leaving soiled pads open all over the floor. She would leave them everywhere. She even made a huge pile directly on the floor next to the trash can.

Sd also started changing them every 5 seconds like your SD was. She would tell us how she was bleeding everywhere and having to change constantly. She would stay in bed all weekend complaining about her period but most of the time only a 1 or 2 pads were lightly soiled and the others were clean. Once I bought her a 30 pack of pads the night before and by 10 AM the next day they were gone. SD was flipping out that she was bleeding everywhere and needed more right that minute. I ran to the dollar store and got her a new pack. I went into the bathroom and there was a mountain of clean looking pads with nothing on them and only 2 lightly soiled ones. I knew then that something was seriously wrong with her mental health.

To me this is very concerning as well as your SD's interest in getting pregnant. She needs professional help and I don't think this is something to wait around on.

"DH, I'm concerned about SD

"DH, I'm concerned about SD if she is bleeding through pads every 20 minutes. It's considered a medical emergency if a woman bleeds through a pad once an hour. I think you need to take her to urgent care immediately."

Look it up online if you have to in order to prove the point. I'm all for straight-forward communication, but it sounds like he doesn't listen to you when you speak up. So, show him that you're concerned and see if he takes her to urgent care or calls a doctor. If he doesn't believe you or doesn't believe she's bleeding that much, tell him to go check the trash and make the decision from there.

Also, make HIM responsible for her hygiene and period products. I go nowhere near my SSs' bathroom. That is 100% DH territory. If he had daughters, I'd say the same. If anyone needs to know about hygiene habits and bodily functions, it's bioparents. Disengage from this and leave it to him to figure out.

I was brushed off

I love the suggestion of saying it out of 'concern.' So I did exactly that... When I went to DH about this, in this manner, I shared that I discovered she had not showed any signs of bleeding and he said "probably not. Doesn't surprise me. She does it for attention I'm sure." He nonchalantly brushed it off and moved on. I expressed my severe concern with the bigger picture and issue at hand and he said, yep, when you're being raised by a toxic person that's probably how you'd turn out too! BUT WHAT PART OF THAT SHOULD HE/WE BE RESPONSIBLE FOR? I don't know why he can't get that through his head. He's not legally bound to her in any way. Nor will the BM allow him to be. So why are we allowing this mess and toxic behavior to disrupt our lives?! I asked if I could make her work on a Thanksgiving pie order with me to show her how long it takes and how much work goes into making the money we spent on her "hygiene products" in a quick 30 min trip for her just to throw them in the trash and parade them around. And he told me not to do that, and "oh well..." I come from a family of tough love and I would've been shown the value of a dollar real quick if I would've ever pulled that kind of a stunt .

What. A. Mess.

I'm glad you found StepTalk. Fogive my bluntness, but you remind me of myself thirty years ago. You are sweet, giving, intelligent yet naive. In short, the perfect patsy to become collateral damage. Please, please don't have a baby with this man right now.

I feel that your love goggles are blinding you, and you don't seem to grasp the level of dysfunction and f*ckery going on. You lack clarity. You're floating along on the surface instead of thinking critically, asking hard questions, or drawing boundaries. You've fallen hard and gambled everything on this "amazing" man; I did, too. Your H's crazy ex makes for a perfect villian, but you're not holding your H accountable for his part in his mess or seeing how the dysfunction impacts you and your child.

What do I see? A man who was drawn to and bred with crazy; a man who has unfinished business with his ex (which he avoids), but went ahead and started a new relationship anyway; a man who deceived you, and is so afraid of BM that he's fine with hurting his "daughter" for fear of angering her mother. This flyboy's personal life is a mess, but he felt entitled to draw you into it without being honest with you. Now he's got a sweet wife who adores him holding down the home front, but that pile of issues is growing taller and taller, and it's tilting. Every time it falls, you and your child will get splattered with the toxic poo of other people's problems - unless you take action.

Ask yourself the hard questions - What's broken inside your H that drew him to BM? Why hasn't he sought advice to help this emotionally troubled little girl? Why is he okay with deceiving her? Why is he so willing to take from your household to support BM? Why didn't he tell you the truth before proposing? Why does he expect you to handle communication with BM and care for his "daughter"? Why are you just accepting all this?

You're riding a love high at the moment, but resentment is already creeping in and things will get worse as that girl gets older. Mental illness makes for a loong slog punctuated with frequent crises, and it WILL affect you and your child. You need to start holding your H accountable, and stand up for yourself AND that little girl. If you want your marriage to beat the 67- 80 percent divorce rate for second marriages, you both need to get on the same page and work with a professional to improve communication, transparency, and standards. You need to learn how to stand up for yourself, and he needs to learn how to manage and protect you from his dysfunctional first family.

Again, I apologize for being blunt, but hate to see you suffer for other people's problems.

This child is being raised to

This child is being raised to believe that the truth is whatever you want it to be. Look at the drama over who her father is. Does anyone even know who it was? From previous post, it's not your DH, even though SD says it is. It's not the guy who died, whose last name she has, even though BM said it was him for years. Anyway, of course she lied about getting her period, and she will probably lie about many other things.

And your husband believes her over you. That's the problem. He rewards her lying, just like he rewards BM's lying by supporting her so far above and beyond what he has to do that it's sickening. This child and her mother will be a thorn in your side as long as you live with your DH.

Reply to rumplestiltskin

Update: SD, SS, and I were in the Starbucks line the other day where she conveniently RIGHT when we got to the front of the line, decided to say "guess what, my brother and I have different dads!" After blowing it the first time, I just said, oh. And she kept going, like it was funny. She knew it was an inappropriate time to talk about it, but I didn't give her the reaction she was looking for. She told me her mother told her "6 months ago" which was probably after she went home from her last visit. But the best part was that the BM told her that it was the dead guy!!!!!!!! She had one chance to be honest with her and she told the 9 year old that they got in a fight and he drove off and died, then she found out she was pregnant. Wtf?!?! I then asked if she had talked to her "dad" / my husband about this and she said, yep he knows!! And told me they talked about it in person. So I was furious with him that he never told me they finally had this talk. He looked at me shocked and confused and said he had no idea! The BM or SD had never told him they had this talk, but yet he didn't confront either one of them about it. She just continued to taunt all of us, including her brother about how she's not "really" related and made it very clear she could/would do what she wanted. I told him she's not welcome back if that's how she's going to act. He had nothing to say about that and avoided it all together.

I'm beyond tired of him enabling her behavior saying "she learned it from her mom, she doesn't know any better." Boy, yes she does know better!!! Let's just say I'm dreading Christmas in a few short weeks, where she will be joining us, my daughter, and my entire extended family on a very expensive getaway trip my parents bought the whole family for Christmas. This will be the first time she's under one roof with my family and I can guarantee she will be a nightmare and ruin it for everyone. I'm panicking. I told my DH I would be more comfortable if maybe we start having her some of the time, and that he shouldn't feel obligated to include her all the time. Especially when she didn't talk to him for 3 months because "he's not her real dad." She informed us "you're lucky I came for thanksgiving, it's only because I got to miss a week of school or I wouldn't be here. None of you are my real family." The audacity of this child. If she even tries to act this way infront of my very kind and generous family I will personally drive her back to her mother, cross country. Am I horrible? Maybe. But I'm very fed up.

I needed this pep talk!!! Thank you

Your comment is exactly why I joined StepTalk. I truly love and WANT the blunt honesty and reality checks. It’s such a hard topic to talk about with those close to me and “it’s going to be fine.” Isn’t the answer I’m looking for. Because, obviously it’s not. I very much lack clarity and more so because I’m mad at myself for allowing myself to be tricked into another messy relationship. After being with a narcissist twice my age for 8 years and spending 2 years just trying to get out, and succeeding, falling for my DH who was completely the opposite of my ex felt safe, and healthy. Now that I’m living in this nightmare and I’ve done with work on myself to let go of the years of trauma I’m very clearly seeing the red flags. And I’m so frustrated with myself for not seeing them sooner. My love goggles are slowly turning into resentment very quickly. But here I am trying to figure out what to do now, especially since I did give up my home, and my career to move 1,000 miles away and start from scratch.

You are 100% correct. My DH for some reason beyond my comprehension bred with someone so completely the opposite of him that I would kill to know WHY. He doesn’t and probably never will talk about it, and his parents are the only ones who have shared any type of hints with me. It’s obviously trauma and embarrassment from years of her abusing him, and it’s clearly why he gives into her, and avoids sharing things with me. Whenever I try to offer a listening ear, or bring up that counseling could benefit us, I’m met with stonewalling/the silent treatment. Doing the work to heal is not fun, or easy, but he’s seen me work my ass off to do it, I have no idea why he doesn’t want to.

It truly does come down to deceit. When it’s just us, everything is fine. When the SKs are with us, it’s a mess. And I’m glad you reminded me that having a child with him is a bad idea, because I’ve been so upset about the miscarriage and him being very open and serious about not wanting to try again/not wanting a child with me. Maybe it’s a sign and maybe it’s a good thing… but the bait and switch feels terrible. I think I go out of my way to please everyone because I feel that’s the only role I can play as a wife. The glue that holds everything together. But that’s not my job. He has to give something as well. Or, I need to figure out what to do. And take my losses before they get worse.

And it’s funny you say, why is he willing to take from your household to support BM. Well, I finally had a sit down conversation with him now that after a year and a half of marriage and a year of me traveling with him for his military career, my savings have officially run out and I can’t pay my own bills anymore. I have 100% been paying my own way since we met. No joint anything. Not even taxes. He LOST it and wouldn’t talk to me when I told him he atleast had to start paying my car payment or credit card payments. OR that we needed to atleast sit down and talk about our finances and make a plan going forward and family budget. It’s been 4 months since that talk and he has yet to do any of those things. I feel he’s paying a lot more to BM/ex than he is saying. They’ve been divorced for 5 years!!! And now my perfect credit has gone down over 200 pts since marriage. I shouldn’t have to lose anything or be worse off in a partnership. Being a single mom was easier! No matter what I do he will not listen. And with Christmas coming up, for the first time ever I’m panicking on how to get my daughter even 1-2 things on her list this year. But, he made sure BM had gifts for their kids. He Amazon shipped their list to her house so she had something to wrap for them since she quit her job last month. He also bought them gifts for here… thank god I found a private chef job here in town and I’ve earned just enough for my car payments. And he’s too consumed with his career to see my struggle. But my resentment and anger is becoming obvious. And that’s not who I am. I did tell him it’s time to cut off BM and SD especially when they act this way and clearly take advantage of us. I won’t tolerate the way either of them treat me anymore. It’s not good for me… I really wish I could figure out how to get through to him, because no matter how I try to stand up for myself, I’m met with a blank stare and the silent treatment. I didn’t think anything could be worse than arguing and yelling my ex used to do, but this is actually much worse…

Clarity

Exjuliemccoy layed it out pretty clearly. She did a good job. I'm glad you're understanding and accepting her words. You've got some tough decisions ahead, I feel for you. But, unfortunately, I don't see things getting better. You're young and you will be ok. Good luck.

I know a family friend who’s daughter got her period at 9

Trust me her boobs were masisve and visible changes happened to her body to show she was going through puberty and had her period.

you should have shown the bin with clean pads. There is no way to know when you'll get your period within a few months until you physically get it. Heck my boobs only started growing around age 20 even when my period started a few weeks after my 13th birthday.

mum saw my dirty underwear when doing laundry and knew then i got my period. You can't hide or fake a period and not have bloody pads. Even if you put dirty pads in kitchen bin, there is a stench and you can see it.

definitely confront hubby about it, she's lying for attention so she feels special and bio mum is feeding into it

I know a family friend who’s daughter got her period at 9

Trust me her boobs were masisve and visible changes happened to her body to show she was going through puberty and had her period.

definitely confront hubby about it, she's lying for attention so she feels special and bio mum is feeding into it

My friends SD is almost 10 &

My friends SD is almost 10 & just got her period, she was a nightmare before & is worse after, I've faked a phone call to get away from that child. She's a liar too but not about her period. Why is she so obsessed with it - where is that coming from!? Thank goodness SO has boys - they have bad hygeine but I'll take it.

You are here