Should DH get involved or stay out of it..
DH is a firm believer of what goes on at BM's is on her to deal with and DH does not get involved. Meaning if BM wants to coddle and spoil SS14 at her house then BM is going to have to deal with the Consequences.
Here is the "issue". SS14 refuses to take the bus in the morning for school because he likes to sleep in. BM drives him in every day. Ok whatever that's on her since SS is with her in the mornings. Well the last 7 weeks SS has been "tardy" to school EVERY day sometimes by just a few minutes other times 30 minutes or more. REMEMBER BM is driving him in. The teachers have given SS warnings and sent emails home. I asked SS about this and he said he just wants to sleep in more. I asked what BM does and SS says BM keeps bugging him to get up but SS refuses so he's late to school.
I told DH this and he said oh well that's on BM not me.
Thoughts on this? Obviously the school is not happy as SS keeps getting written up. Is DH right to just stay out of it and let BM figure it out since it's happening at her house? Should DH get involved and if so how/what should he do?
She made the monster, let her
She made the monster, let her take the fall out
What's the alternative?
What's the alternative? Should he go over to BM's and drag SS out of bed?
what BM allows at her house
what BM allows at her house is on her, ESPECIALLY if DH doesn't want to get involved. If DH wants to stay out of it, OBVIOUSLY he doesn't care either. He knows, and doesn't care. You can't care more than this child's parents. THAT'S when I had to learn to "Let it go" and disengage. You will just get into fights with DH over it and become increasingly frustrated over a child that isn't yours.
What do you suggest that he
What do you suggest that he do about this?
Well, not getting SS to
Well, not getting SS to school on time on a regular basis IS neglect. He COULD try to go over there and get him out of bed.
https://mycasehelper.com/can-cps-take-your-child-for-missing-school/
So YES, IMO, DH should make a bigger deal, but that's on DH to WANT to do. What should a stepparent do (especially if the child HAS 2 parents)? The step parent should leave it alone, it's not their child, and it doesn't reflect on THEIR parenting skill, it reflects on the 2 parents.
ETA: DH can also make reports to social services, and keep documentation of reports, and then file for primary physical custody. BUUUUUT That is up to DH to care enough about... If DH doesn't care, it wont matter WHOSE house SS is at, the end will remain the same, kid wont go to school, but then DH might put the blame on stepparent, and stepparent will then gain MORE resentment over SS and become even MORE frustrated then when SS was doing this same exact thing at BM's house.
It's is a big deal - but it's
It's is a big deal - but it's BM's deal. I would never recommend that one parent go to the other parent's house and drag a kid out of bed. How would you feel if BM did that at YOUR house?
Also - is it worth spending 30K to try to get full custody when you know it won't happen? And around here, it's the school that has to call CPS on a situation like this - they won't take it from the other parent.
I think her DH is doing the right thing - BM has to deal with these issues in her house.
DH wouldn't let it get to
DH wouldn't let it get to that, he'd get sd up and out of bed
Good question
The school KNOWS SS is with BM in the mornings but Continues to reach out to DH for help. Why?
They're probably feeling just
They're probably feeling just as stuck. Every. Single Time. they reach out to DH I'd have him respond (In writing if poissible including BM in the correspondence) that he is with her during the week and they will have to take it up wtih her. If the school needs to file a complaint for neglect against BM- that's the school's responsibility. They're trying to make their issue with the tardiness DH's issue- that's between the school and BM.
Agree and Another thought occurred
BM LOVES playing the poor single mom card. I'm willing to bet she's telling the school some sorry tale of how she gets no support from DH in hopes the school will push DH into helping. BM would never ask for help directly BUT has tried to get others to push DH into doing something
That's such a nightmare.... I
That's such a nightmare.... I think that's where it comes down to optics and control. DH can't control what BM says/does- but he CAN show how he's responsive.
To the school and BM-
"I am sorry to hear that SS continues to be tardy. He lives with BM during the week so you'll have to talk with her about it. BM has not expressed any concerns with me- and/or asked for my assistnce. Even if she did, there's only so much I can do as he lives with her during the week. Unless she comes to me for support- my hands are tied. Again, you'll have to take this up wtih her directly."
because it IS neglect to let
because it IS neglect to let your child be abscent and tardy too often, and the school is covering it's A$$ by sending en email out to BOTH parents, so when they DO notify social services, tehy can tell them BOTH parents are aware of the situation and NEITHER of them are doing anything about it.
I agree with this. That's why
^^^^^ I agree with this. That's why I'm such a huge advocate of having everything in print. DH needs to show the school that he's powerless over what happens in BM's home. The issue is between the school and BM. DH can only do so much and by continuing to bring it back to BM- he's showcasing that.
The person you are responding
The person you are responding to wants DH to go to BM's home and drag the kid out of bed.
Your approach is much more rational and realistic. Yes, he should respond to the emails and let them know it's at BM's house.
Ahh got it. Thank you
Ahh got it. Thank you. No, DH should NOT go to BM's house that is absolutely rediculous.
If the school contacts you- I
If the school contacts you- I would direct them to BM.
In an email to the school AND BM (I'm all about transparency)-
"Hi school,
So sorry to hear he has been tardy. He lives with BM during the week so you'll have to take that up with her. Thank you for your concern."
.... not only will you have
.... not only will you have it in writing that you're acknowledging the issue (not ignoring it) you're clearly showing who is failing as a parent. Its her responsibility to get him to school on her days. If she can't do it- then she should have the natural consequences that come with shitty parenting.
Yep that pretty much dead on to what DH says
BUT it's like the school does not get it as they keep notifying DH asking for help...
They're probably feeling just
I just responded above... They're probably feeling just as stuck.
the school doesn't feel stuck
the school doesn't feel stuck, they are covering their bases before calling social services. neither parent is doing anything about it, BOTH parents can be held liable for the child not showing up. IF DH cared, he'd be over there getting the child up and out of bed, but he doesn't care, and social services will see that. I work in child care and take a yearly class on abuse and neglect, it's neglectful, even if DH isn't in the home, he CAN do something... it would be like if BM's boyfriend was HITTING SS, would DH just say, "BM can deal with it." no, and DH could do SOMETHING about BM's neglecting getting SS to school on time.
You've got to be kidding,
You've got to be kidding, right? You want him to burst into BM's home and get the kid out of bed? If I were BM, I'd have him arrested if he did that. That's absurd. Yes, he should show concern to BM and the school, but he should NOT go to her home and try to manhandle SS into going to school.
Knocking on the door and
Knocking on the door and saying can i come get ss or of bed, since you're having trouble. And if BM says no, document it. If BM let's him in, then what's the problem?
This is one of those
This is one of those "preparing your kid for life" things that parents are supposed to do. BOTH parents.
Both parents need to be prepared to hand out consequences if SS continues to refuse to get up on time. Both parents will suffer the consequences if social services is called. And, you will certainly suffer if BM loses custody.
This is different than not getting involved because SS is not eating his peas at BM's.
Simple solutions.
Simple solutions.
Air horn. Bucket of ice water, no bed, and a forced march to school each time he misses the bus.
An abject state of misery solves this problem in a hurry.
My Skid missed the bus once in the AM, he took off on a sprint through the woods to the next neighborhood over to catch the bus when it went through there. He missed once at the end of school day as well. He called. We told him to enjoy the walk and be safe since there were no sidewalks on the main road between his HS and our home. It was about 7 miles. We were just finising up dinner when he walked in.
BM is an idiot.
If my skids were late to
If my skids were late to school every day and it was, by their own admission, because THEY wanted to sleep in, and not because BM was sleeping in or not even trying to get them moving, DH would impose consequences at our house. He would not get on BM about it, but he would not let it go. They're his kids too, and even though what goes on at BM's house and how BM deals with it is out of his control, that doesn't mean he can't express his displeasure with THEIR behavior and seek to change that behavior. Now, if the skid was late every day because BM couldn't get HER lazy ass out of bed to take him (and there wasn't a bus), that would be different and that would be something appropriately addressed with BM.
I agree, there IS something
I agree, there IS something he can do, which is to address the kids behavior when he's at their home. Including making them get up at the time they would typically to get the bus-but on the weekends.
He needs to e-mail the school to cover himself though. But going to bm's house? Nope.
Once the school has both
Once the school has both parents emails, all emails will go to both parents (as they should). Schools should not be deciding which emails go to which parent.
The school does not expect the non custodial parent to go to the house and drag the kid to school. They are imforming the non custodial parent of the situation. They do expect that the non custodial parent would speak to the child and the custodial parent about attendance.
In the end, there is very little the non custodial parent can do except speak to the child and the custodial parent. Social services is not going to remove the child from BM for lateness. She might end up in truancy court with her child, but no court is going to sanction or blame the non custodial parent for the lateness of a child that doesn't live with him.
To cover himself, DH should reply to the school. He is aware of the lateness and will speak to the child, but the child is not leaving his house to attend school.
These are two seperate yet
These are two separate yet intertwined issues. SS wants to sleep in so BM allows him and ends up dropping SS off late. That is BM's fault for encouraging the laziness and not setting time limits for SS. The tardy affects both BM and DH because it is a disciplinary issue with the school. So no DH should not go to BM's house and do anything, but he should still care because overall it can and will affect him when SS is deemed truant.
The ideal of co-parenting is
The ideal of co-parenting is that both parents can agree on a set of boundaries/rules and how they approach issues like this one but it's rarely possible. We tried to do this for years and years with BM but it's rarely worked. Sometimes we are on the same page and we do try to work together, however more often than not we are poles apart so BM does it her way and we do it our way.
It's harder during the teeange years as the problems get bigger and more complicated and for us has highlighted just how differently we approach parenting to BM.
My advice, choose your battles. We will sometimes raise concerns with BM, however have little expectation that it will change anything and in the end respect her right to parent as she sees fit as is our right.
Let BM deal with the consequences, the school is likely to haul her in there to talk about it and/or start dishing out detentions to SS.
Awesome advice folks! Here are my thoughts..
1. No way in Hell would DH go over to BM's house and drag SS out of bed. With SS history of physical violence it would go VERY poorly for DH. I don't think the school is thinking this.
2. My "opinion" is the school Keeps after DH...one they are getting no where with BM who has the Attitude of "I'm trying but poor me single mom with no help with DH" And two hoping DH will step up and get involved somehow.
3. I'm sure BM or even the school would love for DH to take SS overnight and get him to school(um no thank you I can't stand the brat so I'm not Suggesting it) BM would never ask DH for help she's the type who just expects DH to volunteer on his own.
4. I'm sure BM expects DH to support her and give SS a talking to or maybe even a phone call in the morning. Same with the school.
Think the school has
A legal requirement to send notice to both parents. You should send the school the CO showing the days he is with BM and BF. And a letter saying this is happing on BM days. Same letter to BM
Violent SS
Whats being done about this?
Engage the district Truent Officer.
Engage the district Truent Officer. Let mommy and the idiot kid deal with the officer with the badge.
End of problem.
With the % of Xs that are manipulative I am not sure I would risk banging on my X's door to wake an idiot HS aged kid up to get him to school. Let the officials deal with it officially while engaging them to put their official feet up BM's and the idiot spawn's asses.
And have fun.